by Various
The man was so struck by the simplicity of the great Quaker's advicethat he followed it and reformed.
_What Brought Them_?
A rural school has a pretty girl as its teacher, but she was muchtroubled because many of her pupils were late every morning. At lastshe made the announcement that she would kiss the first pupil toarrive at the schoolhouse the next morning. At sunrise the largestthree boys of her class were sitting on the doorstep of theschoolhouse, and by six o'clock every boy in the school and four ofthe directors were waiting for her to arrive.
_Give and Take_
An English statesman on one occasion, when engaged in canvassing,visited a working-man's house, in the principal room of which apictorial representation of the Pope faced an illustration of KingWilliam, of pious and immortal memory, in the act of crossing theBoyne.
The worthy man stared in amazement, and seeing his surprise thevoter's wife exclaimed;
"Shure, my husband's an Orangeman and I'm a Catholic."
"How do you get on together?" asked the astonished politician.
"Very well, indade, barring the twelfth of July, when my husband goesout with the Orange procession and comes home feelin' extrypathriotic."
"What then?"
"Well, he always takes the Pope down and jumps on him and then goesstraight to bed. The next morning I get up early, before he is awake,and take down King William and pawn him and buy a new Pope with themoney. Then I give the old man the ticket to get King William out."
_Too Much of a Good Thing_
"I've got the very thing you want," said the stableman to a ruralistin search of a horse; "a thorough-going road horse. Five years old,sound as a quail, $175 cash down, and he goes ten miles withoutstopping."
The purchaser threw his hands skyward.
"Not for me," he said, "not for me. I wouldn't gif you five cents forhim. I live eight miles out in de country, und I'd haf to walk backtwo miles."
_Had Missed It_
"What are you crying for, my poor little boy?" said a man to a cryingboy.
"Pa fell downstairs."
"Don't take on so, my boy. He'll get better soon."
"That isn't it. Sister saw him fall--all the way. I never sawnuffen."
_Denied the Only Shade_
It was a broiling hot day in the park, and those walking therein werewell-nigh exhausted, when a very stout old lady came bustling alongone of the paths, closely followed by a rough-looking tramp.
Twice she commanded him to leave her, but Still he followed justbehind.
At last the old lady, quite disgusted, turned angrily around and said:
"Look here, my man, if you don't go away I shall call a policeman."
The poor fellow looked up at her with a tear in his eye, and thenremarked:
"For goodness' sake, mum, have mercy and don't call a policeman, forye're the on'y shady spot in the park."
_Wanted to Make Her Happy_
In one of the many hospitals in the South a bright, busy-looking andduty-loving woman hustled up to one of the wounded soldiers who laygazing at the ceiling above his cot. "Can't I do something for you,my poor fellow?" said the woman imploringly. The "poor fellow" lookedup languidly. The only things he really wanted just at that time werehis discharge and a box of cigars. When he saw the strained andanxious look on the good woman's face, however, he felt sorry for her,and with perfect sang froid he replied: "Why, yes; you can wash myface if you want to."
"I'd be only too glad to," gasped the visitor eagerly.
"All right," said the cavalier gallantly, "go ahead. It's been washedtwenty-one times already to-day, but I don't mind going through itagain if it'll make you any happier."
_Easy Enough_
A noted mathematician, considered by many a wonder, stopped at a hotelin a small town in Missouri. As usual, in such places, there were anumber of drummers on hand; there was also a meeting of some medicalmen at the place, who used the hotel as headquarters. One of thedoctors thought it would be quite a joke to tell the mathematicianthat some of the M.D.'s had concluded to kidnap him and take out hisbrains to learn how it was he was so good in mathematics. He was thenasked by them what he was going to do about it. He replied: "Why, Ishall simply go on without brains just as you doctors are doing."
_Not a Complaint at All_
The good priest had come to his parishioner after the funeral of thelatter's mother-in-law to express condolences.
"And what complaint was it, Pat," he asked sympathetically, "thatcarried the old lady off?"
"Kumplaint, did yi ask, father?" answered Pat. "Thir wuz no kumplaintfrom anybody. Everybody wuz satisfied."
_He Caught It, But_----
The ferry-dock was crowded with weary homegoers when through the crowdrushed a man--hot, excited, laden to the chin with bundles of everyshape and size. He sprinted down the pier, his eyes fixed on aferryboat only two or three feet out from the pier. He paused but aninstant on the string-piece, and then, cheered on by the amused crowd,he made a flying leap across the intervening stretch of water andlanded safely on the deck. A fat man happened to be standing on theexact spot on which he struck, and they both went down with aresounding crash. When the arriving man had somewhat recovered hisbreath he apologized to the fat man. "I hope I didn't hurt you," hesaid. "I am sorry. But, anyway, I caught the boat!"
"But, you idiot," said the fat man, "the boat was coming in!"
_He Didn't Mind_
A certain railway in Michigan has a station entitled Sawyer's Mills,but usually entitled, for short, Sawyer's.
A rural couple on one of the trains attracted much attention by theirevident fondness for each other until the brakeman thrust his head inthe doorway of the car and called out, "Sawyer! Sawyer!"
"Reuben" suddenly assumed the perpendicular and indignantly exclaimed,"Well, I don't care if you did; we've been engaged three weeks."
_He Announced His Intentions_
Young man and his lady-love attended a protracted meeting which wasbeing held in the village church. Arriving late they found the churchfilled, but a gentleman arose and gave the lady his seat, while theyoung man was ushered far away to a seat in another part of thebuilding.
The service grew warm and impressive.
"Will those who want our prayers please stand up?" said the preacher.
At this juncture the young man thought it was getting late and hewould get his sweetheart and go home, but not just knowing where shesat he rose to his feet and looked over the audience.
The minister, mistaking his intentions, asked: "Young man, are youseeking salvation?"
To which the young man responded: "At present I am seeking SalJackson!"
_As a Last Resort_
"Well, doctor," said the patient who was an incessant talker, "why inthe world don't you look at my tongue, if you want to, instead ofwriting away like a newspaper editor? How long do you expect I amgoing to sit here with my mouth wide open?"
"Just one moment more, please, madam," replied the doctor; "I onlywanted you to keep still long enough so that I could write thisprescription."
_He Got the Information_
At a country fair a machine which bore a sign reading, "How to MakeYour Trousers Last," occupied a prominent position in the grounds andattracted much attention, says "Harper's Weekly." A countryman whostood gaping before it was told by the exhibitor, a person with a longblack mustache, a minstrel-stripe shirt, and a ninety-four-caratdiamond in a red cravat, that for one cent deposited in the slot themachine would dispense its valuable sartorial advice. The countrymandug the required coin from the depths of a deep pocket and dropped itin the slot. Instantly the machine delivered a card on which wasneatly printed:
"Make your coat and waistcoat first."
_After Many Trials_
He WAS a sad-faced American tourist, and as he seated himself in aLondon restaurant he was immediately attended by an obsequious waiter.
"I want two eggs," said the American--"one f
ried on one side and oneon the other."
"'Ow is that, sir ?" asked the astounded waiter.
"Two eggs--one fried on one side and one on the other."
"Very well, sir."
The waiter was gone several minutes, and when he returned his face wasa study.
"Would you please repeat your border, sir?"
"I said, very distinctly, two eggs--one fried on one side and one onthe other."
Oppressive silence, and then a dazed "Very well, sir."
This time he was gone longer, and when he returned he said anxiously:
"Would it be awsking too much, sir, to 'ave you repeat your border,sir? I cawn't think I 'ave it right, sir, y'know."
"Two eggs," said the American sadly and patiently--"one fried on oneside and one on the other."
More oppressive silence and another and fainter "Very well, sir."
This time he was gone still longer. When he returned his collar wasunbuttoned, his hair disheveled and his face scratched and bleeding.Leaning over the waiting patron he whispered beseechingly:
"Would you mind tyking boiled heggs, sir? I've 'ad some words withthe cook."
_It Was His Only Tie_
One morning, as Mark Twain returned from a neighborhood morning call,sans necktie, his wife met him at the door with the exclamation;"There, Sam, you have been over to the Stowes's again without anecktie! It's really disgraceful the way you neglect your dress!"
Her husband said nothing, but went up to his room.
A few minutes later his neighbor--Mrs. S.--was summoned to the door bya messenger, who presented her with a small box neatly done up. Sheopened it and found a black silk necktie, accompanied by the followingnote:
"Here is a necktie. Take it out and look at it. I think I stayedhalf an hour this morning. At the end of that time will you kindlyreturn it, as it is the only one I have?--MARK TWAIN."
Playing Doctor
BILLY: "Gentlemen, before we begin to operate, if you will hold thepatient's hands and feet I'll get that four cents out of hisright-hand pocket."
_The Feminine Point of View_
The Willoughbys had said good-by to Mrs. Kent. Then Mr. Willoughbyspoke thoughtfully:
"It was pleasant of her to say that about wishing she could see moreof people like us, who are interested in real things, instead of thefoolish round of gayety that takes up so much of her time and givesher so little satisfaction, wasn't it?"
His wife stole a sidewise glance at his gratified face, and asatirical smile crossed her own countenance.
"Very pleasant, George," she said clearly. "But what I knew shemeant, and what she knew that I knew she meant, was that mywalking-skirt is an inch too long and my sleeves are old style, andyour coat, poor dear, is beginning to look shiny in the back."
"Why--what--how----" began Mr. Willoughby helplessly; then he shookhis head and gave it up.
_He Had Faith in the Doctor_
A young English laborer went to the register's office to record hisfather's death. The register asked the date of death.
"Well, father ain't dead yet," was the reply; "but he will be deadbefore morning, and I thought it would save me another trip if youwould put it down now."
"Oh, that won't do at all," said the register. "Why, your father maybe well before morning."
"Ah, no, he won't," said the young laborer. "Our doctor says hewon't, and he knows what he's given father."
_What He Used the Milk For_
A clergyman had been for some time displeased with the quality of milkserved him. At length he determined to remonstrate with his milkmanfor supplying such weak stuff. He began mildly:
"I've been wanting to see you in regard to the quality of milk withwhich you are serving me."
"Yes, sir," uneasily answered the tradesman.
"I only wanted to say," continued the minister, "that I use the milkfor drinking purposes exclusively, and not for christening."
_Nothing if Not Polite_
An interested visitor who was making the final call in the tenementdistrict, rising, said:
"Well, my good woman, I must go now. Is there anything I can do foryou?"
"No, thank ye, mem," replied the submerged one. "Ye mustn't mind itif I don't return the call, will ye? I haven't any time to go slummm'meself."
_Her Little Game_
As a married couple were walking down one of the main thoroughfares ofa city the husband noted the attention which other women obtained frompassers-by, and remarked to his better half:
"Folks never look at you. I wish I had married some one betterlooking."
The woman tartly replied: "It's your fault. Do you think a man willstare at me when you're walking with me? You step behind and seewhether men don't look at me."
The husband hung back about a dozen yards, and for the length of thestreet was surprised to see every man his wife passed stare hard ather and even turn around and look after her.
"Sure, lassie!" he exclaimed as he rejoined her, "I was wrong and takeit back. I'll never say aught about your looks again."
The wife had made a face at every man she met.
_A Case of Adaptation_
Two dusky small boys were quarreling; one was pouring forth a volumeof vituperous epithets, while the other leaned against a fence andcalmly contemplated him. When the flow of language was exhausted hesaid;
"Are you troo?"
"Yes."
"You ain't got nuffin' more to say?"
"No."
"Well, all dem tings what you called me you is."
_What Would Happen_
A woman agitator, holding forth on the platform and presenting thegreatness other sex, cried out: "Take away woman and what wouldfollow?"
And from the audience came a clear, male voice: "We would."
_Couldn't Fool Him That Far_
Years ago, when telephones were still a novelty, a farmer came to townone day and called on a lawyer friend of his whom he supplied withbutter, and who had had a telephone recently put in his office.
"Need any butter this morning?" asked the farmer.
"Well, I don't know," answered the lawyer. "Wait a minute. I'll askmy wife about it."
After speaking through the 'phone he went on; "No; my wife says no."
The farmer's face was a study for a moment. Then he broke out with:"Look-a-here, Mr. Lawyer, I may be a 'Rube' and have my whiskers fullof hay and hayseed, but I'm not such a big fool as to believe thatyour wife is in that box!"
_And They Wondered_!
At a banquet held in a room, the walls of which were adorned with manybeautiful paintings, a well-known college president was called upon torespond to a toast. In the course of his remarks, wishing to pay acompliment to the ladies present, and designating the paintings withone of his characteristic gestures, he said: "What need is there ofthese painted beauties when we have so many with us at this table?"
_She Had Him That Time_
It was the same old story of a man who refused to tell his wife theoutcome of a business transaction in which, naturally, she took a deepinterest.
"No," he sneered, "I won't tell you. If I did you'd repeat it. Youwomen can never keep a secret."
"John," said the woman quietly, "have I ever told the secret about thesolitaire engagement ring you gave me eighteen years ago being paste?"
_Necessity: Not Choice_
A woman hurried up to a policeman at the corner of Twenty-third Streetin New York City.
"Does this crosstown car take you down to the Bridge toward Brooklyn?"she demanded.
"Why, madam," returned the policeman, "do you want to go to Brooklyn?"
"No, I don't want to" the woman replied, "but I have to."
_Mr. Beecher's Prescription_
A country clergyman once called on Mr. Beecher and asked his adviceabout what to do with persons who go to sleep in church.
"Well," said Mr. Beecher, "I'll tell you what I do. When I first cameto Plymouth Church I gave the sexton str
ict orders that if he saw anyperson asleep in my congregation he should go straight to the pulpitand wake up the minister."
_A Recipe for a Bridal Couple_
It was on a train going through Indiana. Among the passengers was anewly-married couple, who made themselves known Co such an extent thatthe occupants of the car commenced passing sarcastic remarks aboutthem. The bride and groom stood the remarks for some time, butfinally the latter, who was a man of tremendous size, broke out in thefollowing language at his tormentors: "Yes, we're married--justmarried. We are going one hundred and sixty miles farther, and I amgoing to 'spoon' all the way. If you don't like it you can get outand walk. She's my violet and I'm her sheltering oak."
During the remainder of the journey they were left in peace.
_Both of the Same Kind_