by Various
On the right side of the upper-lip a mole promises great good fortuneto both sexes.
_Her Own Eyes Good Enough for Him_
A little Scotch boy's grandmother was packing his luncheon for him totake to school one morning. Suddenly looking up in the old lady'sface, he said:
"Grandmother, does yer specs magnify?"
"A little, my child," she answered.
"Aweel, then," said the boy, "I wad juist like it if ye wad tak' themaff when ye're packin' my loonch."
_How Did He Know_?
After dinner, when the ladies had gone upstairs, the men, over theircoffee and cigars, talked, as men will, of love.
All of a sudden the host cried in a loud voice:
"I will tell you, gentlemen, this is the truth: I have kissed thedainty Japanese girl. I have kissed the South Sea Island maiden. Ihave kissed the slim Indian beauty. And the girls of England, ofGermany, even of America, I have kissed, but it is most true that tokiss my wife is best of all."
Then a young man cried across the table:
"By Heaven, sir, you are right there!"
_So Mother--So Son_
Vincent was altogether too garrulous in school to please histeachers. Such punishments as the institution allowed to be metedout were tried without any apparent effect upon the boy until at lastthe head Master decided to mention the lad's fault upon his monthlyreport.
So the next report to his father had these words: "Vincent talks agreat deal."
Back came the report by mail duly signed, but with this written inred ink under the comment: "You ought to hear his mother."
_An Endless Wash_
In one of the lesser Indian hill wars an English detachment took anAfghan prisoner. The Afghan was very dirty. Accordingly twoprivates were deputed to strip and wash him.
The privates dragged the man to a stream of running water, undressedhim, plunged him in, and set upon him lustily with stiff brushes andlarge cakes of white soap.
After a long time one of the privates came back to make a report. Hesaluted his officer and said disconsolately:
"It's no use, sir. It's no use."
"No use?" said the officer. "What do you mean? Haven't you washedthat Afghan yet?"
"It's no use, sir," the private repeated. "We've washed him for twohours, but it's no use."
"How do you mean it's no use ?" said the officer angrily.
"Why, sir," said the private, "after rubbin' him and scrubbin' himtill our arms ached I'll be hanged if we didn't come to another suitof clothes."
_Once Dead Always Dead_
The hero of the play, after putting up a stiff fight with thevillain, had died to slow music, says a storyteller in "The ChicagoTribune."
The audience insisted on his coming before the curtain.
He refused to appear.
But the audience still insisted.
Then the manager, a gentleman with a strong accent, came to the front.
"Ladies an' gintlemen," he said, "the carpse thanks ye kindly, but hesays he's dead, an' he's goin' to stay dead."
_Had to Get it Done Somehow_
A little boy bustled into a grocery one day with a memorandum in hishand.
"Hello, Mr. Smith," he said. "I want thirteen pounds of coffee at 32cents."
"Very good," said the grocer, and he noted down the sale, and put hisclerk to packing the coffee. "Anything else, Charlie?"
"Yes. Twenty-seven pounds of sugar at 9 cents."
"The loaf, eh? And what else?"
"Seven and a half pounds of bacon at 20 cents."
"That will be a good brand. Go on."
"Five pounds of tea at 90 cents; eleven and a half quarts of molassesat 8 cents a pint; two eight-pound hams at 21 1/4 cents, and fivedozen jars of pickled walnuts at 24 cents a jar."
The grocer made out the bill,
"It's a big order," he said. "Did your mother tell you to pay forit?"
"My mother," said the boy, as he pocketed the neat and accurate bill,"has nothing to do with this business. It is my arithmetic lessonand I had to get it done somehow."
_A Personal Demonstration_
Chatting in leisurely fashion with Prince Bismarck in Berlin LordRussell asked the Chancellor how he managed to rid himself ofimportunate visitors whom he could not refuse to see, but who stucklike burrs when once admitted.
"Oh," replied Bismarck, "I have my easy escape. My wife knows peopleof this class very well, and when she is sure there is a bore hereand sees them staying too long she manages to call me away on someplausible pretext."
Scarcely had he finished speaking when the Princess Bismarck appearedat the door. "My dear," she said to her husband, "you must come atonce and take your medicine; you should have taken it an hour ago."
_Not for Him_
A quiet and retiring citizen occupied a seat near the door of acrowded car when a masterful stout woman entered.
Having no newspaper behind which to hide he was fixed and subjugatedby her glittering eye. He rose and offered his place to her.Seating herself--without thanking him--she exclaimed in tones thatreached to the farthest end of the car:
"What do you want to stand up there for? Come here and sit on mylap."
"Madam," gasped the man, as his face became scarlet. "I beg yourpardon, I--I----"
"What do you mean?" shrieked the woman. "You know very well I wasspeaking to my niece there behind you."
_Such a Pleasant Room_
"It ain't ev'rybody I'd put to sleep in this room," said old Mrs.Jinks to the fastidious and extremely nervous young minister who wasspending a night at her house.
"This here room is full of sacred associations to me," she went on,as she bustled around opening shutters and arranging the curtains."My first husband died in that bed with his head on these verypillers, and poor Mr. Jinks died settin' right in that corner.Sometimes when I come into the room in the dark I think I see himsettin' there still.
"My own father died layin' right on that lounge under the winder.Poor Pa! He was a Speeritualist, and he allus said he'd appear inthis room after he died, and sometimes I'm foolish enough to look forhim. If you should see anything of him tonight you'd better not tellme; for it'd be a sign to me that there was something inSpeeritualism, and I'd hate to think that.
"My son by my first man fell dead of heart-disease right where youstand. He was a doctor, and there's two whole skeletons in thatcloset that belonged to him, and half a dozen skulls in that lowerdrawer.
"There, I guess things'll do now----
"Well, good-night, and pleasant dreams."
_Giving a Woman Her Rights_
The car was full and the night was wet. The bell rang, the carstopped, and a lady entered. As she looked tired a nice oldgentleman in the corner rose and inquired in a kind voice, "Would youlike to sit down, ma'am? Excuse me, though," he added; "I think youare Mrs. Sprouter, the advocate of woman's rights."
"I am, sir," replied the lady calmly.
"You think that women should be equal to men?" further queried theold gentleman.
"Certainly," was the firm reply.
"You think that they should have the same rights and privileges?" wasthe next question.
"Most emphatically," came from the supporter of woman's rights.
"Very well," said the kind old gentleman, sitting down again, "juststand up and enjoy them."
_A Riddle to Willie_
I asked my Pa a simple thing; "Where holes in doughnuts go?" Pa read his paper, then he said: "Oh, you're too young to know."
I asked my Ma about the wind: "Why can't you see it blow?" Ma thought a moment, then she said: "Oh, you're too young to know."
Now, why on earth do you suppose They went and licked me so? Ma asked: "Where is that jam?" I said: "Oh, you're too young to know."
_Under Her Bed_
Mrs. Hicks was telling some ladies about the burglar scare in herhouse the night before.
"Yes," she said, "I heard a no
ise and got up, and there from underthe bed I saw a man's legs sticking out."
"Mercy," exclaimed a woman--"the burglar's legs?"
"No, my dear, my husband's legs. He had heard the noise, too."
_Didn't Think He Was Polite_
They were on their honeymoon. He had bought a catboat and had takenher out to show her how well he could handle a boat, putting her totend the sheet. A puff of wind came, and he shouted in no uncertaintones:
"Let go the sheet."
No response.
Then again:
"Let go that sheet, quick."
Still no movement. A few minutes after, when both were clinging tothe bottom of the overturned boat, he said:
"Why didn't you let go that sheet when I told you to, dear?"
"I would have," said the bride, "if you had not been so rough aboutit. You ought to speak more kindly to your wife."
_He Had a Large Reach_
President Eliot, of Harvard, on a visit to the Pacific Coast, metProfessor O. B. Johnson, of the University of Washington, says "TheNew York Tribune." In the course of the conversation President Eliotasked the Westerner what chair he held.
"Well," said Professor Johnson, "I am professor of biology, but Ialso give instruction in meteorology, botany, physiology, chemistry,entomology and a few others."
"I should say that you occupied a whole settee, not a chair," repliedHarvard's chief.
_When Fighting Really Began_
An aged, gray-haired and very wrinkled old woman, arrayed in theoutlandish calico costume of the mountains, was summoned as a witnessin court to tell what she knew about a fight in her house. She tookthe witness-stand with evidences of backwardness and proverbialBourbon verdancy. The Judge asked her in a kindly voice what tookplace. She insisted it did not amount to much, but the Judge by hispersistency finally got her to tell the story of the bloody fracas.
"Now, I tell ye, Jedge, it didn't amount to nuthn'. The fust Iknowed about it was when Bill Saunder called Tom Smith a liar, en Tomknocked him down with a stick o' wood. One o' Bill's friends thencut Tom with a knife, slicin' a big chunk out o' him. Then SamJones, who was a friend of Tom's, shot the other feller and two moreshot him, en three or four others got cut right smart by somebody.That nachly caused some excitement, Jedge, en then they commencedfightin'."
_The Wrong Kind of a Baby_
In a certain home where the stork recently visited there is asix-year-old son of inquiring mind. When he was first taken in tosee the new arrival he exclaimed:
"Oh, mamma, it hasn't any teeth! And no hair!" Then, clasping hishands in despair, he cried: "Somebody has done us! It's an old baby."
_A Poser for the Salesman_
"It's not so much a durable article that I require, sir," said MissSimpkins. "I want something dainty, you know; something coy, and atthe same time just a wee bit saucy--that might look well for eveningwear."
_Not in the Army, After All_
A Methodist negro exhorter shouted: "Come up en jine de army ob deLohd."
"Ise done jined," replied one of the congregation.
"Whar'd yoh jine?" asked the exhorter.
"In de Baptis' Chu'ch."
"Why, chile," said the exhorter, "yoh ain't in the army; yoh's in denavy."
[Transcriber's Note: The copy of this book I was working from wasmissing pages 71-74 inclusive.]
_Her Literary Loves_
A talented young professor who was dining one evening at the home ofa college president became very much interested in the very prettygirl seated at his left. Conversation was somewhat fitful. Finallyhe decided to guide it into literary channels, where he was more athome, and, turning to his companion, asked;
"Are you fond of literature?"
"Passionately," she replied. "I love books dearly."
"Then you must admire Sir Walter Scott," he exclaimed with suddenanimation. "Is not his 'Lady of the Lake' exquisite in its flowinggrace and poetic imagery? Is it not----"
"It is perfectly lovely," she assented, clasping her hands inecstasy. "I suppose I have read it a dozen times."
"And Scott's 'Marmion/" he continued, "with its rugged simplicity andmarvelous description--one can almost smell the heather on the heathwhile perusing its splendid pages."
"It is perfectly grand," she murmured.
"And Scott's 'Peveril of the Peak' and his noble 'Bride ofLammermoor'--where in the English language will you find anythingmore heroic than his grand auld Scottish characters and his graphic,forceful pictures of feudal times and customs? You like them, I amsure."
"I just dote upon them," she replied.
"And Scott's Emulsion," he continued hastily, for a faint suspicionwas beginning to dawn upon him.
"I think," she interrupted rashly, "that it's the best thing he everwrote."
_How Grandma Viewed Them_
"I'm glad Billy had the sense to marry a settled old maid," saidGrandma Winkum at the wedding.
"Why, Grandma?" asked the son.
"Well, gals is hity-tity, and widders is kinder overrulin' andupsettin'. But old maids is thankful and willin' to please."
_So Easy When it is Explained_
A woman riding in a Philadelphia trolley-car said to the conductor:
"Can you tell me, please, on what trolley-cars I can use theseexchange slips? They mix me up somewhat."
"They really shouldn't, madam," said the polite conductor. "It isvery simple: East of the junction by a westbound car an exchange froman eastbound car is good only if the westbound car is west of thejunction formed by said eastbound car. South of the junction formedby a northbound car an exchange from a southbound car is good southof the junction if the northbound car was north of the junction atthe time of issue, but only south of the junction going south if thesouthbound car was going north at the time it was south of thejunction. That is all there is to it."
_Sixty Girls Not One Too Many_
A New York firm recently hung the following sign at the entrance of alarge building: "Wanted: Sixty girls to sew buttons on the sixthfloor."
_One on the President_
When the President alighted at Red Hill, Virginia, a few months ago,to see his wife's new cottage, he noticed that an elderly woman wasabout to board the train, and, with his usual courtesy, he rushedforward to assist her. That done, he grasped her hand and gyve it an"executive shake." This was going too far, and the woman, snatchingher hand away and eying him wrathfully, exclaimed: "Young man, Idon't know who you are, and I don't care a cent; but I must say youare the freshest somebody I've ever seen in these parts."
_No Doubt of it_
The lesson was from the "Prodigal Son," and the Sunday-school teacherwas dwelling on the character of the elder brother. "But amidst allthe rejoicing," he said, "there was one to whom the preparation ofthe feast brought no joy, to whom the prodigal's return gave nopleasure, but only bitterness; one who did not approve of the feastbeing held, and had no wish to attend it. Now can any of you tellwho this was?" There was a short silence, followed by a vigorouscracking of thumbs, and then from a dozen little mouths came thechorus: "Please, sir, it was the fatted calf."
_The Lesson Stopped_
The teacher was taking a class in the infant Sabbath-school room andwas making her pupils finish each sentence to show that theyunderstood her.
"The idol had eyes," the teacher said, "but it could not----"
"See," cried the children.
"It had ears, but it could not----"
"Hear," was the answer.
"It had lips," she said, "but it could not----"
"Speak," once more replied the children.
"It had a nose, but it could not----"
"Wipe it," shouted the children; and the lesson had to stop a moment.
_The Wrong One_
A young man had been calling now and then on a young lady, when onenight, as he sat in the parlor waiting for her to come down, hermother entered the room instead, and asked him in a very grave, ster
nway what his intentions were.
He turned very red, and was about to stammer some incoherent reply,when suddenly the young lady called down from the head of the stairs:
"Mamma, mamma, that is not the one."
_A Good Pair of Boots_
"You know," said a "smart" young man to a girl, "some one has saidthat 'if you would make a lasting pair of boots take for the sole thetongue of a woman.'"
"Yes," replied the girl, "and for the uppers you ought to take thecheek of the man who said it."
_Not Just the Right Place_
A bashful young couple, who were evidently very much in love, entereda crowded street car.
"Do you suppose we can squeeze in here?" he asked, looking doubtfullyat her blushing face.
"Don't you think, dear, we had better wait until we get home?" wasthe low, embarrassed reply.