by Various
A minister in a Western town was called upon one afternoon to performthe marriage ceremony between a negro couple--the negro preacher ofthe town being absent from home.
After the ceremony the groom asked the price of the service.
"Oh, well," said the minister, "you can pay me whatever you think itis worth to you."
The negro turned and silently looked his bride over from head tofoot, then, slowly rolling up the whites of his eyes, said:
"Lawd, sah, you has done ruined me for life, you has, for sure."
_And She Kept on Smoking_
"Aunt Chloe, do you think you are a Christian?" asked a preacher ofan old negro woman who was smoking a pipe.
"Yes, brudder, I 'spects I is."
"Do you believe in the Bible?"
"Yes, brudder."
"Do you know there is a passage in the Scripture that declares thatnothing unclean shall inherit the Kingdom of Heaven?"
"Yes, I'se heard of it."
"Well, you smoke, and there is nothing so unclean as the breath of asmoker. So what do you say to that?"
"Well, when I go dere I 'spects to leave my breff behind me."
_Doubtful Assurances_
"Do you think they approved of my sermon?" asked the newly-appointedrector, hopeful that he had made a good impression.
"Yes, I think so," replied his wife; "they were all nodding."
_A New Use for an Apple_
The tailor's sign in a little inland town was an apple, simply anapple. The people were amazed at it. They came in crowds to thetailor, asking him what on earth the meaning of the sign was.
The tailor with a complacent smile replied:
"If it hadn't been for an apple where would the clothing business betoday?"
_It Looked That Way_
"Is Mike Clancy here?" asked the visitor at the quarry, just afterthe premature explosion.
"No, sor," replied Costigan; "he's gone."
"For good?"
"Well, sor, he wint in that direction."
_Music Touched His Heart_
A thief broke into a Madison Avenue mansion early the other morningand found himself in the music-room. Hearing footsteps approaching,he took refuge behind a screen.
From eight to nine o'clock the eldest daughter had a singing lesson.
From nine to ten o'clock the second daughter took a piano lesson.
From ten to eleven o'clock the eldest son had a violin lesson.
From eleven to twelve o'clock the other son had a lesson on the flute.
At twelve-fifteen all the brothers and sisters assembled and studiedan ear-splitting piece for voice, piano, violin and flute.
The thief staggered out from behind the screen at twelve-forty-five,and falling at their feet, cried:
"For Heaven's sake, have me arrested!"
Some Amusing Blunders
A divine in drawing the attention of his congregation to a specialcommunion service on the following Sunday informed them that "theLord is with us in the forenoon and the Bishop in the evening."
A Scotch minister innocently, perhaps, hit the mark by telling hispeople, "Weel, friends, the kirk is urgently in need of siller, andas we have failed to get money honestly we will have to see what abazar can do for us."
There is a certain amount of excuse to be made for the young curatewho, remarking that some people came to church for no better reasonthan to show off their best clothes, finished up as he glanced overhis audience, "I am thankful to see, dear friends, that none of youhas come here for that reason."
A negro student when conducting the prayers at one of the greatmissionary colleges, said, "Give us all pure hearts, give us allclean hearts, give us all sweet hearts," to which the entirecongregation made response, "Amen."
The giving-out of church notices has often proved a pitfall for theunwary. "During Lent," said a rector lately, "several preachers willpreach on Wednesday evenings, but I need not give their names, asthey will be all found hanging up in the porch."
_They Come High--But_
A stranger in New York asked a newsboy to direct him to a certainbank, promising him half a dollar for it. The boy took him aboutthree doors away and there was the bank. Paying the fee, the mansaid, "That was half a dollar easily earned, son."
"Sure," said the boy, "but youse mustn't fergit that bank directorsis paid high in Noo Yawk."
_At Any Cost_
A darky preacher was lost in the happy selection of his text, whichhe repeated in vigorous accents of pleading.
"Oh, bredern, at de las' day dere's gwine to be sheep and dere'sgwine to be goats. Who's gwine to be de sheep, an' who's gwine to bede goats? Let's all try to be like de li'l white lambs, bredern.Shall we be de goats, sisters? Naw, we's gwine to be de sheep.Who's gwine to be de sheep, bredern, an' who's gwine to be de goats?Tak' care ob youh souls, sisters; tak' care ob youh souls. Remember,dere's gwine to be goats an' sheep. Who's gwine to be de sheep an'who's gwine to be de goats?"
Just then a solitary Irishman who had been sitting in the back of thechurch, listening attentively, rose and said:
"Oi'll be the goat. Go on; tell us the joke, Elder. Oi'll be thegoat!"
_Where Was Bill_?
Bill Jones is a country storekeeper down in Louisiana, and lastspring he went to New Orleans to purchase a stock of goods. Thegoods were shipped immediately and reached home before he did. Whenthe boxes of goods were delivered at his store by the drayman hiswife happened to look at the largest; she uttered a loud cry andcalled for a hammer. A neighbor, hearing the screams, rushed to herassistance and asked what was the matter. The wife, pale and faint,pointed to an inscription on the box which read as follows;
"Bill inside."
_All That Glisters is Not Gold_
One day an Irishman was seated in the waiting-room of a station withan odorous pipe in his mouth. One of the attendants called hisattention to the sign: "No smoking."
"Well," said Pat, "I'm not a-smokin'."
"But you have a pipe in your mouth."
"Shure, an' I've shoes on me feet an' I'm not walkin'."
_Her Affectionate Brothers_
It was Commencement Day at a well-known girls' seminary, and thefather of one of the young women came to attend the graduationexercises. He was presented to the principal, who said, "Icongratulate you, sir, upon your extremely large and affectionatefamily."
"Large and affectionate?" he stammered and looking very muchsurprised.
"Yes, indeed," said the principal. "No less than twelve of yourdaughter's brothers have called frequently during the winter to takeher driving and sleighing, while your eldest son escorted her to thetheatre at least twice a week. Unusually nice brothers they are."
_The Voice of the Lady_
"Life" recently printed this extremely clever sketch by Tom Masson:
It was a quiet Sunday rooming on a side street. A playful breeze hadlifted off the tarpaulin that covered the newsstand, and themagazines were enjoying a quiet hour by themselves.
"Harper's" took occasion to edge away from "McClure's."
"Your cheapness makes me dizzy," it observed, with a superior sniff.
"My cheapness is as nothing to your dullness,", exclaimed"McClure's," with some heat.
"Nonsense!" replied "Harper's." "Why, I once published aninteresting story."
A chorus of groans greeted this admission.
"The trouble with you fellows," observed "The Century," "is that youdo not understand the really serious side of life."
"How can we," observed "The Metropolitan," "for we have not, likeyou, a humorous department? We----"
There was a commotion. While these observations were going on"Munsey's" and "Everybody's" were having a dispute.
"I publish sillier stuff than you," said "Munsey's."
"I defy you to prove it," said "Everybody's."
"Let's form a ring and have them fight it out," suggested a rankoutsider--"The Clipper."
At this, however, there
was a protest from one hitherto silent. Asoft soprano voice spoke.
"Gentlemen," it said, "would you fight in the presence of ladies?"
Whereupon the rest of the magazines took off their hats, and one byone lapsed into respectful silence, as THE LADIES' HOME JOURNAL,arranging its skirts anew with gentle precision, passed out on itsway to church.
_Cheer Up, Everybody_
The visiting missionary at an almshouse stopped for a moment to speakto a very old lady and inquire, after her health and welfare. "Thankyou, sir," replied the old lady. "Yes, indeed, I've a great deal tobe thankful for. I've two teeth left and they're opposite eachother."
_A New Kind of Bait_
After weeks of waiting and longing for the sport, rods, reels, gaff,creel--everything was in readiness for a week's trout-fishing.
The young wife, smiling joyously, hurried into the room, extendingtoward her husband some sticky, speckled papers.
"For goodness' sake," he exclaimed, "what on earth are you doing withthose old fly-papers?"
"I saved them for you from last summer, dear," she answered. "Youknow you said you always had to buy flies when you went fishing."
_He Could Supply Specimens_
"And what did my little darling do in school today?" a mother askedof her young son--a "second-grader."
"We had Nature study, and it was my turn to bring a specimen," saidthe boy.
"That was nice. What did you do?"
"I brought a cockroach in a bottle, and I told teacher we had lotsmore, and if she wanted I would bring one every day."
_Was It His Ghost_?
A well-known publisher has the entrance to his private office guardedby one of his editors, a small man, who, as the day wears on, sinksdown in a little heap in his high-backed chair under the weight ofthe manuscripts he has to read. The publisher was exceedingly proudof his friendship with a prominent Congressman, who usually calledwhen he was in New York.
One day the huge form of the Speaker of the House of Representativesloomed up before the little editor, with the evident intent ofbearing down upon the private office.
"Back!" shouted the little editor, waving a slender arm with muchvigor. "Back! Go back to the offith and thend in your card."
The Congressman paused, inclined his head to view the obstacle thatopposed his progress, and smiled. Then he turned on his heel and didas he was directed.
Of course the publisher bustled out personally to conduct the greatman into the private office. When his visitor had departed thepublisher came forth in a rage. The little editor shriveled beforehim as he began:
"What do you mean by holding up one of my oldest friends in thisfashion? Don't you know he's at perfect liberty to walk into myoffice at any time without so much as knocking?"
"Yeth," admitted the little editor feebly.
"Then what do you mean by holding him up and subjecting him to suchdiscourtesy ?"
"I thought he wath Dr. John Hall."
"Dr. John Hall!" exclaimed the exasperated publisher "Don't you knowthat Dr. John Hall is dead?"
"Yeth," returned the little editor with earnest sincerity. "That'thwhat bothered me."
_Willie's April Fool on Mamma_!
Little Willie had a very pretty governess, and on April first herather startled his mother by rushing in to her and saying:
"Mamma, there's a strange man upstairs who has just put his armaround Miss Wilson's waist, and kissed her several times----"
"What?" said the mother, as she jumped up to pull the bell for thebutler.
"April fool, Mamma!" said Willie, in great glee. "It wasn't astrange man at all. It was Papa!"
_Full Particulars Given_
A small boy who had recently passed his fifth birthday was riding ina suburban car with his mother, when they were asked the customaryquestion, "How old is the boy?" After being told the correct age,which did not require a fare, the conductor passed on to the nextperson.
The boy sat quite still as if pondering over some question, and then,concluding that full information had not been given, called loudly tothe conductor, then at the other end of the car: "And mother'sthirty-one!"
_News for the Bishop_
A newly-rich woman, who was anxious to make a favorable impression inher neighborhood, decided to show her collection of antiques to theBishop when he called. The time came, and one by one she displayedthe whole collection, giving him the history of each piece. Finallyshe pointed to the most prized article in the lot. "There," shesaid, pointing impressively to an old yellow teapot. "That teapotwas used in the Boston Tea-party."
_A Case of Mutual Application_
MR. WOOD, a man very fond of playing jokes, met his friend, Mr.Stone, and at once inquired jocosely:
"Hello, Stone, how are Mrs. Stone and all the little pebbles?"
"Fine," said Mr. Stone, "all well, thank you," and then, with atwinkle in his eye: "How are Mrs. Wood and all the little splinters?"
_She Didn't Sleep Well_
A woman who lives in an inland town, while going to a convention in adistant city spent one night of the journey on board a steamboat. Itwas the first time she had ever traveled by water. She reached herjourney's end extremely fatigued. To a friend who remarked it shereplied:
"Yes, I'm tired to death. I don't know as I care to travel by wateragain. I read the card in my stateroom about how to put thelife-preserver on, and I thought I understood it; but I guess Ididn't. Somehow, I couldn't go to sleep with the thing on."
_They Planned a Little Surprise for Him_
On a west-bound train scheduled for a long trip a very large,muscular man fell asleep and annoyed all the passengers by snoringtremendously. Reading, conversation or quiet rest was animpossibility. Finally a drummer, carrying half a lemon in his hand,tiptoed over to a little boy who sat behind the snorer.
"Son," said the drummer impressively, "I am a doctor, and if that mandoesn't stop snoring he'll die of apoplexy. Watch your chance, andas soon as his mouth opens a little wider, lean over and squeeze thislemon into it."
_He Knew Only One_
A teacher had been telling her class of boys that recently worms hadbecome so numerous that they destroyed the crops, and it wasnecessary to import the English sparrow to exterminate them. Thesparrows multiplied very fast and were gradually driving away ournative birds.
Johnny was apparently very inattentive, and the teacher, thinking tocatch him napping, said;
"Johnny, which is worse, to have worms or sparrows?"
Johnny hesitated a moment and then replied:
"Please, I never had the sparrows."
_He Proved It Was Logical_
A lawyer was defending a man accused of housebreaking, and said tothe court:
"Your Honor, I submit that my client did not break into the house atall. He found the parlor window open and merely inserted his rightarm and removed a few trifling articles. Now, my client's arm is nothimself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individualfor an offense committed by only one of his limbs."
"That argument," said the judge, "is very well put. Following itlogically, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment.He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."
The defendant smiled, and with his lawyer's assistance unscrewed hiscork arm, and, leaving it in the dock, walked out.
_The Old Man Knew Best_
"I took three bottles of your medicine, and I feel like a new woman,"read the testimonial. "John," she said in a shrill, piping voice, "Ithink this is exactly what I need. I have been feeling bad for quitea spell back, and the lady was symptomated just exactly as I feel. Ibelieve I will try three bottles and see if it will make a new womanout of me."
"Not much, Maria," said John, with tremendous earnestness. "Not if Iknow it. I don't mind spending three dollars on you if you feel bad,but I ain't a-goin' to have you made into any of these here newwomen, gaddin' about the city to women's clubs and savin' the countrythat don't need savin'. Y
ou jest mix up some sulphur and molassesand take it, and you will feel better, but don't let me hear no moreof this new-woman nonsense."
_Watch and Pray_
A pompous old Bishop was one morning breakfasting at a country innwhere it had been his lot to spend the night. As he approached thetable he found at his place a fine trout well cooked and tempting.He closed his eyes to say his grace before meat, not noticing aQuaker gentleman seated opposite, who, with a mischievous smile,reached over quickly and scooped the fish over to his own plate.
Having finished his prayer the Bishop opened his eyes and prepared toenjoy the trout, but to his surprise and dismay it had disappeared.
The jolly Quaker, eying the Bishop, at the same time demolishing thetrout, said with feigned solemnity:
"Bishop, thee must 'watch and pray'--'watch and pray.'"
_No Doubt About That_
The fresh spring breezes were blowing through the open windows of theschoolroom, and George Washington was the momentous question in hand.