by A. D. Ryan
“Afraid of what?” Cassie inquired, her forehead creasing with worry.
I exhaled slowly. “I'm afraid that if you don't come, I'm going to lose you,” I told her truthfully.
With a soft kiss, I felt my fear and apprehension start to disappear. “I told you; I'm not going anywhere as long as you need me.”
My eyes fell shut, and I sighed softly against her skin as sleep threatened to take hold of me. “I'll always need you, Cassie.”
“Now I'm afraid,” she said breathlessly into the top of my head, and I almost didn't hear her as I fell fast asleep, wrapped in Cassie's arms, her hands in my hair and her soft voice soothing me.
Chapter 10 | Three Leaps Back
It had been two long weeks, and every night it was the same. Cassie wasn't giving me an answer one way or the other, but I was certain she'd cave. It was Saturday, and Cassie was gone before I woke up. We were scheduled to leave shortly after Charlie's nap. Our parents were going to stop by the house because Charlie had expressed an interest in riding with them in the van they had rented so they could all travel together, and Jen and Alex would ride in the Audi with us.
On my way out of Charlie's room, I grabbed her suitcase and headed to my room to grab my own. With both cases in hand, I headed down the stairs and found Cassie standing at the foot of the stairs. The look on her face showed nothing but sadness and regret.
“I can't go,” she informed me, her voice so soft I almost didn't hear it.
Clenching my jaw, I walked past her, ignoring her statement completely. “Are you packed? We're leaving as soon as our parents get here for Charlie.” I set the suitcases down on the floor next to the door and turned, not once looking her in the eye.
“You're not hearing me, Jack. I can't go with you guys.” I heard her follow me to the kitchen, but I still refused to look at her.
I froze in my tracks and closed my eyes as I took a deep breath. “Cassie, don't do this.” Turning slowly to face her, I exhaled my breath and opened my eyes. “Cassie we need this trip. Do it for Charlie,” I pleaded.
She shook her head violently and wiped at her eyes. “I can't. Don't you get it? I want to do this for her…for you…for us. But this isn't something I can just do.” A sob broke free as she continued. “I need you to understand I love you both…so much. But this trip won't change anything. When you get back, things won't magically go back to the way they were. I won't change…I can't change.” Her head fell back, and she looked up at the roof as she continued on with a dry laugh. “God, how I wish I could just take it all back! But I can't. I can't undo the things I've done—the mistakes I've made—and even if I could, you would never forgive me…forgive yourself.”
I rushed forward and grabbed her by the upper arms lightly. “Cassie, what the hell are you talking about?” I demanded, my voice shaking with fear that the last few weeks had all been for nothing. That she had merely been toying with my fragile emotions.
“I need you to accept that this is over. That it's been over for a long time. I need you to let me go,” she said, her big blue eyes pleading with me to do as she asked. “You deserve so much more than what I can offer you. You need to move on and find someone who makes you happy. Who makes Charlie happy. Think of her…for me.”
Releasing my tight grip on her arms, I cradled her face and forced her to hold my gaze. “I am thinking of her. Of all of us, Cassie. Damn it, how do you not see that? She needs you to go on this trip as much as I do.” Cassie tried to shake her head in my grasp, but I held her as still as I could without causing her any harm.
“Let me go, please,” she sobbed, her delicate hands coming up and encircling my wrists. “I just need—”
In an act of sheer desperation, I pressed my lips to hers. My lips worked against hers, trying to force them to mold to mine as she sobbed. Eventually, she uncrossed her arms from her body and brought them up until she fisted the front of my shirt, pulling my body into hers.
I released her face and dropped my hands until they were on the small of her back, holding her firm against my body, unwilling to ever let her go. She was unnaturally still against me, so I released her and took a step back.
As I looked over her, I noticed her arms fall and hang loose at her sides in defeat, and her brows were knit together in remorse. “I…I…” I stammered for a moment, pushing my hands through my hair and tugging once I reached the back of my head. “I can't believe you're leaving me.”
“You had to see this coming,” she said, trying to justify her total disregard for our family.
My anger bubbled, and my blood boiled beneath my flesh as I lost complete control. I swept my arm across the island in the kitchen, tossing the half-empty wine bottle, a single glass, and a bowl to the floor. They shattered upon impact, the wine splashing the light wall and staining it a rich shade of burgundy.
“No!” I shouted, causing Cassie to jump with a slight whimper. “I didn't see this coming! I thought we were making progress in our relationship, and now you tell me you want to fucking leave?”
“No,” she whispered with a single head-shake. “I’m telling you I need you to let me go.”
I stared at her for a moment as I tried—and failed—to see the difference in what I asked and what she wanted. Finally, after a long moment of silence, I screamed in aggravation.
“Jack, keep it down. Please. You're going to wake Char—”
I thrust a finger toward her, my rage-fueled glare burning into her sad eyes. “Don't,” I ordered. “Don't you even say her name,” I snarled venomously. She acquiesced with a short nod and looked at the floor nervously. “Why didn't you just say all this a few weeks ago?”
“I tried!” she cried, raising her red eyes to mine again. “I told you I was lost. That we couldn't get back what we had. And what did you say?” She paused momentarily as I searched my memory for the answer, but she spoke before I could even open my mouth. “You told me that you needed me and that I wasn't going anywhere.” She spread her arms wide and laughed dryly. “Well, here I am. As fucking requested!”
I stared at her, completely dumbfounded for a moment as she blamed me for her staying all this time. “So what? We're done then? Is that what you want?”
“No,” she sobbed, wiping the tears from her eyes roughly. “It's not what I want. But it's what you need…to be happy. I have to go.”
“And your decision to leave? That makes you happy?” Asking her that question, to me, felt like the equivalent of having my heart ripped from my body, and then watching as the life was squeezed out of it in front of me.
Cassie shrugged sadly, her frustration fading quickly as the sadness in her eyes returned. “My happiness is completely irrelevant at this point. I've caused you so much pain that I don't deserve to be happy.”
“That's bullshit, and you know it,” I told her angrily. She didn't contest my opinion, instead she stood before me with resolve clearly etched into every part of her expression. Her mind was made up. She was done with this…with me…with us.
I shook my head with a dark laugh. “You know what? Fine. You want out? Go. Get the hell out of my house!” I screamed, pointing down the hall behind me toward the door.
“Jack!”
I jumped in fright as a familiar voice called out my name sharply. When I turned around, I was face-to-face with my parents, Cassie's parents, and a terrified-looking Charlie hugging Gayle's thigh, her little face half buried into the fabric of my mother-in-law's skirt. My gaze drifted between each of their faces, but all of their expressions were the same: confusion and, most predominantly, fear.
I looked back at Cassie as she bit her bottom lip and began shaking her head at me, a gesture that indicated she didn't want me to continue our disagreement in front of our family. Charlie's sob forced my eyes back to her as she looked up at me; she was completely terrified by what she had just witnessed, and I felt horrible since I had always made it a point to never argue with Cassie in front of her.
“I…I need to get ou
t of here for a minute,” I explained quickly as I moved toward the bodies blocking my access to the front door.
“Jack?” my mother said softly, laying a hand tenderly on my forearm.
“No, Mom. I can't keep having this same fight with her.” I lifted my eyes to Gayle and Frank, whose confusion seemed to be escalating by the minute. “Maybe you two can talk some sense into your daughter, because I've had it.”
Gayle inhaled sharply, tears quickly welling in her eyes as her hand snapped to her mouth, and her husband’s brow furrowed with concern. It hadn't occurred to me until just that moment just how much he seemed to have aged lately. I couldn't remember for the life of me when the worry lines in his forehead deepened or the grey in his hair multiplied. Even Gayle seemed a little worn out as she sobbed into Frank's shoulder.
“Jack,” my mother tried again, but I pulled out of her grasp.
“No. I have to get some air. If she wants to leave, let her. I'm done.” I waved my hand dismissively behind me at Cassie. I'd had enough, and so had she.
“Who's leaving?” my mother asked quietly, pressing her hand over Charlie's exposed ear gently.
“Cassie, who else? She wants to leave us. Leave her family.” Again, I felt the physical pain of the words in my chest.
My mother promptly picked Charlie up and stared at me, her mouth agape. The entire room fell eerily silent, and minutes felt like years before anyone spoke. My father stepped forward and laid a firm hand on my shoulder, pressing lightly until I looked into his brown eyes.
“Son, Cassie's been gone for two years,” he told me in a shaky voice.
My eyes narrowed and I scoffed. “What the hell are you talking about?” I asked him skeptically. When I turned back and looked at Cassie, I watched in horror as she clutched her stomach tightly and folded in on herself. As she fell to her knees on the kitchen floor, she was gasping for air and looking up at me, fearfully shaking her head back and forth. “She's right there!”
Cassie's head shook slowly now, and this time I knew why. I inhaled sharply, not wanting to believe what I already knew was true. “No,” I whispered. “Cassie, tell them.”
“I'm sorry,” she squeaked. “I can't.”
Chapter 11 | Reliving the Past
The trees along the highway whirred by as I stared out the car window wondering what the hell was going on. There was really no describing just how confused I was by everything that had been said yesterday afternoon when my parents showed up at the house. It was all a complete blur as I tried to recall anything real from the past couple of years. Had it all been in my head? Just how fucked up was I?
Gone. They said she was gone.
I still couldn't wrap my foggy brain around the thought. How could she have been gone? And for two years? I saw her every day, and they were telling me she left us two years ago? It just didn't make sense. My brain hurt even trying to remember the events that had brought me to this point.
“Sweetheart?” my mother said softly from in front of me, saving me from my own insanity.
I pulled my arms tighter across my chest as I shifted my face to hers. “Hmm?” As my eyes finally settled on her, I saw just how distraught she was by everything that had happened. Blinking rapidly in an effort to clear the haze from the outer edges of my sight, I shifted my gaze to my father as he navigated his way through the city streets.
“How are you feeling?” she asked, turning and reaching back between the two front seats to place a delicate hand on my knee.
I swallowed what little saliva was in my increasingly dry mouth thickly and licked my lips. “Tired,” I rasped in a gravelly voice. I found it hard to focus my gaze on her. No matter how many times I blinked, it didn't seem to help.
“That's the meds, son,” my dad spoke up, glancing briefly over his shoulder to offer me a reassuring smile. Sadly, it fell flat in light of why I was heavily medicated.
Gone.
“I know,” I sighed in defeat, allowing my head to loll onto the headrest of the Mercedes' backseat. After telling me that Cassie had been gone for two years, I became upset. Actually, that was an understatement; I went completely bat-shit crazy.
Before Charlie could witness what was rapidly unfolding, my mom and Gayle retreated up the stairs with her while my father and Frank worked to subdue me. Dad wound up calling in a prescription for a mild sedative because I refused to listen to reason and was well beyond rational. There was nothing anyone could say to me that would make what was happening any better.
After taking my first dose, I headed upstairs to find Gayle and my mom sitting on either side of a sleeping Charlie in her bed. The red around her eyes was the key indicator that my poor, innocent baby had cried herself to sleep after having witnessed the complete loss of my sanity downstairs. How had I let any of this happen? How had I not put two and two together?
I climbed up onto the bed next to Charlie and pulled her into my arms so I could hold her as I allowed the meds to do their job. It wasn't long before I fell into a dreamless, coma-like slumber.
When I awoke in the morning, Charlie could be heard downstairs talking softly and scurrying around. I stayed in her bed for a few minutes, staring up at the ceiling, as I tried to get a grip on reality before facing the consequences of my actions the day before. There was a part of me that thought it was all just a bad dream, that I would go downstairs to find Cassie and Charlie playing like the last two years of fighting weren't real either. That everything was perfect. The small smile that spread across my face was short lived as I sat up and the fog in my head reminded me of the medication I had taken the night before.
It was all frighteningly real.
Gone.
Still a little groggy from the sedatives, I didn't actually remember much from yesterday. So, when I trudged down the stairs to find my mother tidying up the mess I was apparently responsible for, I felt horrible. I offered to help, but was quickly shooed away by her and Gayle. Instead, I went and sat on the living room sofa and stared blankly at the wall ahead until I was called for breakfast.
I couldn't eat, though. I sat with my hands clasped in my lap and stared at the quickly cooling food that sat on my plate while everyone around me ate. Once we all finished eating the breakfast that Gayle had made, she and Frank offered to take Charlie for the day while my parents and I went on the little road trip we were on.
I had questions about what happened, and there was only one way to get the answers.
“How long until we're there?” I asked softly as I turned to look out the window again. We were entering the city, and my body instantly stiffened as my apprehension took hold. I already knew it wouldn't be much longer, and I felt the fear of reality sinking in with every second that passed. The car suddenly felt like it was shrinking around me.
“We should be there in about fifteen minutes,” my dad replied softly.
I sucked in a deep breath and held it until my chest ached. As we weaved through the city streets, I heard my mother sobbing softly. I shifted my eyes forward just in time to see my father reach his right hand across the center console and hold hers to offer her comfort. I looked down at my own hands and felt empty inside. There was no one to comfort me in my own time of need.
The next fifteen minutes felt like an eternity, but we finally pulled up in front of the hospital. It loomed over me as I looked up through the tinted window of my father's luxury sedan. I reached for the handle and had just popped the door when my mother reached between the back of her seat and the car frame to grip my wrist.
“You're sure about this? You don't want us to come in with you?” she inquired, her eyes reflecting her anguish.
I shook my head and offered her a weak smile. “No, this is something I should do alone. You guys go and park the car. I'll see you in a few.”
“Okay, we'll meet you inside, then,” my father said.
After taking a deep breath, I found my nerves and stepped out of the car and into the sun and warmth that Denver offered this time of year.
I walked with reservation up the long, intimidating walkway toward the entrance. My heart started beating wildly in my chest as I passed doctors and nurses who were walking past me, looking at me, judging me… Okay, so they probably weren't judging me, but given what just happened, it felt like I was under a microscope and everyone was taking turns looking through the glass to see if they could figure out what was going on beneath the surface.
The doors opened automatically, causing me to balk in surprise. It shouldn't have affected me like that, but I was so wound up. I passed through the oversized doors and headed for the admissions desk where a woman sat clicking away on her computer keyboard.
She must have seen me approach through her periphery, because she turned to me with a wide smile. “Good afternoon, what can I help you with today?”
I placed my hands on the counter and gripped it tightly as I spoke. “I'm Jack Martin. I, um, well, my dad called earlier?”
“Oh, yes! Mr. Martin, of course!” she said animatedly as she began leafing through the small pile of folders on her desk until she found the slip of paper she was looking for. “You're going to want to go to the fifth floor. The elevators are just straight ahead, and when you reach fifth, turn right and head down to the South wing. Just check in at the nurse's station and they will guide you from there.” She placed a slip of paper up onto the counter before me and held out a pen. “I'm just going to need you to sign here, and then you're free to go on up.”
“Thanks,” I told her monotonously as I signed the form she handed me and returned it. After giving her a curt nod, I made my way for the elevator and pushed the button. There were people moving all around me, bustling through the halls as I waited eons for the doors to open up. It felt as though they were all moving at a mile a minute, but I was frozen in time, forced to watch them all live their lives and go about their days when I had nothing left to live for.