by A. D. Ryan
Charlie giggled. “That's you, silly! Can't you see?” Charlie pointed at the other people in the picture and told me who they were. “Over here is Gramma and Grampa Martin. And then Gramma and Grampa Taylor are in the picture, too! Did you know that I got to go visit them for a weekend? It was so much fun!”
As she told me this, I realized that I had missed so much of her life in the weeks that I had spent here, and I wanted to know absolutely everything she had done in my absence. It made me more determined than ever to get better. For her.
I continued to look over this beautiful picture that Charlie had drawn for me, and one person in particular caught my attention. My brows knit together, and I brought the picture up closer so I could get a better look. “Charlie? Who's this up here…by the sun?” Charlie pulled her bottom lip between her teeth and looked hesitant. “Bug?”
“It's Mama,” she whispered. “She's a angel. See, there's her wings. She's wearing blue, too, Daddy.”
A tear fell onto my cheek, and I moved to quickly brush it away. “I can see that,” I rasped, turning my head up to look at Cassie who was still standing in the doorway, staring in wonder at Charlie. She took a deep breath before moving gracefully to our side and placing a hand on my shoulder. I wanted to acknowledge the gesture, but knew I shouldn't.
Charlie stirred slightly, craning her neck to look at me. Her eyes were big and curious, and they drifted off to where Cassie was standing. Could she sense her? “What does she look like, Daddy?”
I drew in a sharp intake of air and snapped my head to my parents. My mom's head began to shake back and forth in denial that I had slipped—or more accurately, made no progress at all—and my father gave her shoulders a light squeeze.
My focus returned to Charlie. “Just like you, baby.”
“And, she's here right now?” I looked back to Cassie as she knelt down until she was face-to-face with Charlie. Charlie seemed to be in-tune with her mother's movements, because her eyes followed Cassie's descent. It was eerie, but gave me hope that I wasn't entirely crazy. That Cassie was with us in some way…
“She is,” I confirmed, my voice gravelly with apprehension.
Charlie sucked in a shaky breath and held it for a moment before laying her head against my chest. Her tiny fingers grasped at the loose fabric of my sweater, and when I looked down, I saw her tugging at her bottom lip nervously. With her eyes still trained on where Cassie knelt, she whispered words that melted my heart. “I love you, Mommy.”
I gripped Charlie around the waist and turned her body to mine. She wrapped her arms around my neck and hugged me back as more tears fell from my eyes. Holding her in my arms felt different somehow. I knew I always loved Charlie and would die for her; but these last two years had me withdrawing from her—more so in the last few weeks when Cassie came back to me. I had reconnected with my daughter in that moment, and felt my will to live return.
I turned to Cassie and offered her a sad smile. “I can let you go now,” I told her softly. She nodded her head once in understanding and stood slowly.
Once on her feet, I closed my eyes as she leaned forward to press her lips to my forehead. They felt like a whisper of a breath against my skin. “I love you both,” she whispered, and when I opened my eyes again, she was gone.
Instead of the emptiness her absence usually brought, I felt a strange sense of calm wash over me. The guilt I had harbored over her death seemed slightly less, and I felt like a new man.
I was ready to move forward into the light.
Chapter 20 | Within Reach
“The dreams have stopped.”
Dr. Richards cocked his head to the right. “Oh?”
It had been about three weeks since Charlie first visited me at the hospital, and after telling Cassie I could finally let her go, the dreams seemed to be occurring less and less. Instead of having them every time I closed my eyes, they slowly dwindled to a few times a week until they stopped all together.
Cassie's visits, however, stopped immediately. I took my medication as scheduled and was really making a conscious effort to move on. Yes, I still loved her with everything I had, but she was gone. Charlie was here, and she needed me more than I needed Cassie.
There were times I still struggled without her and often thought, “Maybe I could skip this one dose… Just this once…” That's when I would catch Cassie's disapproving stare in my memories and Charlie's face, her eyes alight with the hope that I would be returning to her soon. Harnessing the intense pain that started to burn in my veins, I took my meds. It wasn't long until they took effect, and I felt my body relax.
Everybody around me had their theories on why I was suddenly doing so well. Some thought it was the Librium that kept me anchored in this reality; others thought maybe I was stronger than before. Me, however? I liked to think it was Charlie's frequent visits; that seeing her almost every day reminded me of the work I was here to do. My parents even brought her back the next day so I could see her on her birthday.
“Happy birthday, bug,” I whispered into her ear as I held her to my chest.
Charlie giggled and pushed herself free of my firm embrace. “Thanks, Daddy! Did you sleep good?”
With a smile, I nodded. “Better than good,” I replied softly. True, I had my usual dreams about the day Cassie had overdosed, but I had slept better for the most part. Why? When Charlie left the day before, she handed me her pink blanket and told me she wanted me to keep it with me for as long as I was here. She told me it would help remind me of her; and while I didn't need to be reminded of her, I knew it would help me remember my silent vow to get better for her.
Charlie and I sat on my bed for a while, and she pulled out a couple of books that she had packed in her backpack for me to read to her. The ones she begged me to read were some of our old favorites that we always read together before she went to sleep. It felt good to be with her like this again—like nothing ever happened.
As we read, she leaned her head against my arm, both of us sitting with our backs against the wall. “I like the way you read to me, Daddy,” she whispered breathlessly through a yawn.
I closed the book that we had just finished together and wrapped my arm around her. “You have no idea just how much I missed reading to you, Charlie.”
“Hmmm,” she hummed contemplatively. “This much?” She held her hands out in front of her about a foot apart, and with a chuckle, I shook my head. Her tiny brow furrowed and her lips pursed. “This much?” she asked, pulling her hands farther apart. I shook my head again, and she stretched her arms as far as they would go. “This much?”
“'Fraid not.”
Charlie dropped her arms into her lap and grunted in exasperation. “Well, that's as far as my arms go, Daddy.”
“To infinity,” I told her, placing a kiss onto the top of her frustrated little head.
Charlie looked up at me, her eyes wide and sparkling with excitement. “And beyond?”
My laughter filled the room, and I had to admit that it felt good to laugh like this again. It seemed like it had been forever since I felt genuine happiness, and I welcomed the feeling entirely.
“You been watching Toy Story again?” I inquired, poking her lightly in the ribs.
Charlie squirmed away from me in a fit of giggles. “Maybe!” she squealed. “Gramma and Grampa bought me the new one when I went to visit them. It's a good one!”
I ceased my attack on Charlie's ticklish sides and pulled her onto my lap. “Well, maybe you'll let me watch it with you when I come home?”
Charlie's giggles stopped, and her already wide smile grew even more. “Will that be soon?”
“God, I hope so, bug.”
She pulled her bottom lip between her teeth, and I felt a small sting in my heart at the familiar gesture where Cassie's absence still lingered. Charlie's eyebrows lifted nervously, so I offered her a smile and used the pad of my thumb to work her bottom lip free before she hurt herself.
“What's wrong, bug?”
I swallowed thickly, trying not to let the rising sorrow show in my eyes. “No, baby. Mama's gone.”
“Oh.” Her eyes dropped to her lap where she fiddled with the hem of her shirt. “Are you gonna miss her?”
“Um,” I began, not quite sure just how far to take this conversation for Charlie's sake as well as my own. “There's a large part of me that's going to miss your mama very, very much.” Charlie watched me carefully, waiting patiently for me to continue. I smiled at her, and this seemed to put her at ease slightly. “But, when I look into your eyes, I'm reminded that we'll never be without her. You remind me so much of your mother, Charlie. And while I'll continue to miss her, I know that she'll always be with us in some way.”
Charlie pulled herself up and wrapped her arms around my neck tightly. Not another word was spoken for several minutes until my parents returned to the room.
Letting Cassie go—while probably one of the hardest things I'd ever had to do—was only the first step. Over the weeks, Dr. Richards had helped me work through a lot, and I was grateful for everything.
Dr. Richards cleared his throat, yanking me from my thoughts. “How long have you been free of them?” he inquired.
I thought back the last few nights and realized that it had been almost a week. I had dreamt of Cassie, but not of that night. The dreams I had, when I could remember what they were, were happy and full of the better times we'd shared.
“Almost a week,” I answered, my voice registering the relief I felt at the revelation. “I feel…good, you know?”
Dr. Richards's mouth turned up into a smile. “That's fantastic.”
My smile mirrored his, and I leaned forward in my seat. I rested my arms on my knees, my body language transforming as I spoke. No longer did I give off the impression of being weak and defeated; now I was happy and exuded the confidence I had lost. “Yeah, I think seeing Charlie again helped remind me that everything would be okay.” I paused for a moment, and my doctor waited for me to continue. “I was so consumed by my own guilt over what happened to Cassie that I forgot I had a reason to live. For so long, Cassie was all I lived for. Then we had Charlie, and my focus was split.
“When Cassie died…I don't know… It was like the guilt was all-consuming. Eventually, it took on a life of its own and created this alternate reality where she was still with me. I did everything I could to hold onto her, and it alienated me from the rest of the world to a degree.” As I confessed everything, I felt the weight of my past continue to lift from my shoulders, and for the first time in over two years, I felt hope.
“Charlie is the reason I'm here. She's my reason to live. If not for her…I don't know where I'd be.”
Dr. Richards leaned forward and set his notepad and pen on the table between us. “You've come a long way, Jack. When we first started these sessions, I was afraid this would take longer. The guilt you felt was understandable, but what happened wasn't your fault. I'm happy to hear you realize that now.”
Even though a small part of me still wondered if Cassie would have followed through had I not left her sleeping pills with her while she was in such an emotional state, I knew that I wasn't to blame for her actions. I couldn't keep beating myself up over this. I needed to get better—for Charlie.
“I just have one more question for you,” Dr. Richards said, taking his glasses off to inspect the lenses. I nodded and waited for him to continue. There was something in the way he looked at me when his eyes lifted to meet mine again, and I smiled, hoping that the next words he spoke were the ones I longed to hear. “How would you feel about going home tomorrow?”
“Are you serious?” I choked out, tears of joy prickling my eyes. “Of course I'd love to go home. As long as you think I'm ready.”
Replacing his glasses back on his nose, Dr. Richards relaxed back into his chair. “Well, I'd still like to see you once a week. I think it would be best.” I nodded in agreement, knowing that there was still a little way for me to go before I could consider myself cured. “But, I truly feel you're ready to go home.”
Ready to go home.
His words repeated over and over in my mind, and to be honest, I didn't hear much else that he had to say. He must have known it, too, because, with a laugh, he ended our session twenty minutes early.
As soon as I was alone in my room, I grabbed my empty bag from beneath my bed and opened it up. I packed up all of my belongings, being sure to leave my pajamas and an extra set of clothes out for tonight and tomorrow before zipping it up and placing it on the chair. My excitement was indescribable. My hands shook with anticipation, and the seconds weren't ticking by fast enough on the clock. It was barely noon, and I had to stick around here until tomorrow? How was I going to get through the day?
The nurse came by with my afternoon meds, and she stood in the room, watching me with a smile. Once again, there was that brief, “What if?” moment. I was so happy with my progress, and I wanted to share it with Cassie. My better judgment took hold soon enough, reminding me that I'd be a fool to throw away everything I had accomplished now, less than twenty-four hours before my release. I returned the nurse’s smile before opening up and taking the Librium.
Moments later, I was alone again, and still unsure what to do. Pacing the room didn't seem to pass the time. I was too wired to sleep—even with the meds. I was anxious—but this anxiety was completely unlike anything I had experienced before now.
Deciding I should let someone know about my release, I went out to the community phone and dialed my parents' home number, knowing my mother would be home with Charlie.
“Jack!” my mother greeted enthusiastically. I could hear in her voice just how much happier she was. I knew that what was happening to me was beyond stressful for her and the rest of my family. Thankfully, that was all behind us now.
“That's my daddy?” I could hear Charlie squeal in the background. “Please, may I speak to him?”
“Mom, before you put her on, I just want to let you know I'm being released.” My mother gasped softly, but before she could say anything, I continued. “I don't want you to tell Charlie just yet. I want to surprise her.”
“Gramma! Pleeeease lemme talk to my daddy!”
I chuckled as I listened to her continuing to whine. My mother agreed to my request, a light sniffle echoing through the telephone. “Okay, you better put her on before she has a fit. I love you. I'll see you tomorrow.”
The phone exchanged hands, and I had to contain my elation in order to ensure I didn't ruin my little surprise. “Daddy!”
“Hey, bug. How are you today?”
“I'm only okay, Daddy.” Her voice suddenly sounded sad, and she sighed softly. “Gramma said we aren't coming to see you today.”
The fact that she sounded so heartbroken by this had me ready to tell her about my homecoming tomorrow; but I held strong. “Aw, baby. We just saw each other the other day. I'm sure it won't be much longer until you get to see me.”
“I know. I just really wanted to show you the new picture I drew for you.”
I laughed softly and leaned forward on the counter the phone sat upon and ran my free hand through my hair. “I'll see it, and you, very, very soon. I love you.”
“I love you, too,” she replied, her voice perking up just a little at the prospect of seeing me again.
We said our goodbyes, and I spoke to my mother again. I let her know that her and my father should stay home with Charlie and that I would find another way back. They offered to send Jennifer and Alex, or even Billy and Sarah, but I told her I'd like it if everyone was there when I got home.
After hanging up the phone, I finally felt the drowsiness that the Librium often brought on, so I went back to my room and lay down on my bed in hopes that I would be able to catch a few winks and the hours would seem to just fly by. The sleep that found me was deep and peaceful, and I dreamed of the reunion that was just on th
e horizon.
Chapter 21 | Homecoming
Waking up that morning was so different than any other. Instead of lying in bed a while longer than usual, I got up right away and rushed to the washroom where I showered and shaved before dressing in jeans and an off-white sweater. After getting myself ready, I headed back to my room and grabbed my bag from the chair I had set it on yesterday, going through it to be sure I hadn't forgotten anything. Before I zipped it shut, I grabbed Charlie's blanket off my bed, folded it up tight, and placed it inside. With my bag ready to go, I took one final look around the room and smiled.
The room no longer seemed sad and depressing to me. Ever since the day I began to accept the way things were—the first day I saw Charlie again—everything in my life seemed less tragic, and I saw the world through new eyes.
“Are your parents picking you up?” Dr. Richards's voice startled me from my happy thoughts, and I turned to him with a smile.
“Um, no. Sienna's going to pick me up. I wanted to surprise Charlie,” I explained. I moved for Dr. Richards and extended my hand to him. “I want to thank you again for everything you've done.”
“It was you who did all the work; I simply nudged you in the right direction. Now, I don't want you thinking that this is the last we'll see each other,” he told me, gripping my hand in his. “I was serious yesterday when I said I think it would be beneficial for you to continue seeing me once a week. Bring Charlie. I'm sure she has questions, and I'd be happy to talk to her about what she's going through, as well.”
“Thank you,” I repeated. “We will.”
“Hey!” a bright voice chimed from behind Dr. Richards. Sienna entered the room with a wide smile and looked between us. “You ready to go?”
“Definitely.” I glanced back at Dr. Richards. “I'll make an appointment for next week.” We said our goodbyes to one another before he handed me a prescription for my anti-anxiety medication, as well as a small packet that contained a few Librium to tide me over until I got it filled, and went off to his first appointment of the day.