“Addie?” Peyton’s voice reached through the fog of Addison’s mind, reminding her of better days when they were all friends and it seemed like nothing would ever come between them.
“In here,” Addison called, reaching for the closet doorknob.
“I brought Julian with me,” she warned.
Addison swallowed back a sob. She couldn’t see that face. That beautiful face that reminded her of the worst night of her life. Look at his eyes. He has kind eyes. Not like Cooper’s. She reminded herself to focus on the blue one.
“Hey, you.” Peyton peeked through the closet door. “Ready to come out?”
Addison nodded, feeling foolish.
“Mind if I help you up?” Julian asked, standing behind his sister.
She zeroed in on his blue eye. “Thank you,” she managed in a strangled whisper.
“Wrap your arms around my neck.” He leaned over her.
She held her breath as Julian lifted her, setting her back on her unsteady feet. He placed her crutches in front of her, a concerned look on his face. He had a kind face too. So like Cooper’s at first glance. Until you looked closer to see the subtle differences. She focused on those differences now.
“Right,” Peyton said, taking control like the organizer she was. “Drink this.” She gave Addison a fresh bottle of water. “Julian’s going to go kick everyone out. I take it your parents are out of town again?”
“Yeah.” She nodded, sipping the cool water.
“While Julian takes care of the party people, how about you and I skip out?”
“What?” Addison looked at her former friend, wondering how she could be so nice after the way Addison had treated her over the last two years.
“You’re coming home with me. Julian will lock up and see the caterer’s out.”
Relief swept through Addison. She didn’t want to be alone tonight. She didn’t deserve it, but she was so grateful for Peyton’s kind heart.
“Okay, but do you have cupcakes?” Addison hiccupped.
“Are you kidding me? It’s the Callahan house, we always have cupcakes.”
6
Julian
Julian would give anything to have changed what happened before the accident, to have gone upstairs sooner.
He rolled over in his bed, unable to close his eyes without seeing his brother bent over a struggling Addison. She hadn’t been fighting with the ferocity he knew she’d been capable of, and there could have been only one reason for that.
Cooper got her drunk. Beyond drunk even. Addison was an early drinker, starting younger than any of them, but she’d learned to control how much of herself she lost at parties. And it was never that much.
Her slurred “no” would be burned into his brain for as long as he heard Cooper’s laugh.
Because Cooper knew Addison was in love with him. She always had been, following him around and bending to his every will. Before her Christmas Eve party, he’d never looked twice at her, dating senior girls instead.
Were you allowed to hate a dead man?
Probably not. What kind of guy did that make him? Julian never told anyone about Cooper’s final moments. After Cam got Avery to shore, Julian continued trying to get Cooper out of the car as they neared the falls. Cooper yelled his name again and again. At first, Julian thought his brother wanted him to work faster, but he’d only been telling him to stop. To save himself.
“Maybe I deserve this, brother.” Those were Cooper’s final words. Maybe he deserved what? To drown? To be ripped from all their lives?
No, he’d deserved to live with everything he’d done, not die with it. Assault. Drunk driving. Damn it, he almost killed them all.
Julian kicked at the blankets twisted in his legs. No, he didn’t hate Cooper for what he’d done. He hated him for what he continued to do. For dying and leaving them all with the scars he’d inflicted.
A crash sounded from the kitchen, and he sat up, rubbing his eyes. The alarm clock read three in the morning. By the time Julian kicked everyone out of Addison’s house, let the caterers out, and made it home, it was almost one a.m.
Sliding his legs over the side of his bed, his toe hit the laptop he’d left on the ground. His mother would murder him if she knew how he treated the thing. Sometimes though, when he got lost in his writing, he’d come back to the real world in such a daze he wouldn’t know what he was doing.
He picked up the computer and set it on his desk when someone’s soft sobbing wound up the stairs and directly into his room.
He’d know that sound anywhere. The girl’s cries haunted his dreams.
Pulling on some sweatpants over his boxers, he left his room and crept down the stairs.
In the kitchen, Addison stood gripping the edge of the sink, her head bent forward and blond hair covering her face. Her back shook as she cried.
It wasn’t until Julian walked closer he noticed the broken glass at her feet or the blood running from one of her hands into the sink.
“Addison, are you okay?”
She didn’t move, and for a moment, he thought she hadn’t heard him.
“Addison—” he started again.
“Please, Julian, just leave me alone.” There was no venom in her words, only desperation.
Julian had always been a firm believer in listening to people when they told you to go. Most of the time, he preferred his own company, and it pissed him off when people saw that as weakness or depression.
But this time, he couldn’t just walk away.
Moving toward the large walk-in pantry, he retrieved the broom and dustpan before crouching down to sweep up the glass. Addison didn’t say anything as he picked up the larger pieces and then carried it all to the trash can.
She didn’t say anything when he returned to her side.
Or when he lifted her hand off the sink to look at the cut in the heel of her palm.
“Addie,” he whispered. He dropped her hand. “Stay here. I’ll get the first aid kit.”
After rummaging through the front hall closet for the kit, he returned and took her hand again. “Come on. Let’s sit down.” He guided her to the kitchen island, careful to go slow enough for her to walk with the boot, and lifted her by the waist so she sat on the counter. She only made a squeak of acknowledgment.
Sitting on one of the stools near her, he bent over her hand, looking for tiny pieces of glass, relieved to find none.
“I dropped a glass,” she finally said, her voice thick. “I’m sorry. I tried to clean it up but just hurt myself instead.”
When Julian and Peyton found her in the closet during her own party, she’d been drunk. Most of that seemed to have worn off, replaced by a weariness he’d often seen in her lately.
Julian rubbed antibiotic ointment on her wound and gripped her wrist. “It happens, Addie. It’s okay.”
She nodded.
As he pressed a Band-Aid over the cut, he met her red-rimmed eyes. “Do you want to tell me what happened tonight?”
She shook her head. “Not really.”
“You don’t have to.” He paused. “I just know what it’s like not having anyone to talk to.”
She sniffled. “I have friends, Julian. I’m not—” She stopped herself before saying what Julian knew she wanted to.
He jumped off the stool and paced away from her before turning. “I get it, Addie. You’re not me. You have everyone in school willing to fall at your feet. But you walk around each day with some strange underclassman carrying your books instead of a friend. You hide during your own party, a party full of people who are supposed to care about you. Me? I know who I am. I like who I am and the few people I choose to spend time with. Can you say the same?”
By the time he was done with his rant, Addison’s shoulders fell. She buried her face in her hands and released a sigh. “I can’t do this anymore, Julian. It’s exhausting. Don’t you find it exhausting?”
“What are you talking about?” His exasperation had him dropping into one of the
chairs at the table near the kitchen island.
Addison didn’t move from her perch on the counter. “Hating each other. For two years, I’ve tried to forget that night, which meant I had to forget all of you. I’ve told myself hating you and Peyton and everyone is just easier, but that’s a lie. I can’t keep blaming any of you for that night.”
“Addie.” Julian stood and walked toward her, stopping when her boot grazed his stomach. “What do you remember about the party before the accident?”
She slid down, forcing him back, and stepped around him with a shake of her head. “I can’t talk about this. Especially with you.”
“Why? Because I look like him? Because every time you see me, you only see the boy you crushed on until he broke your heart?”
She turned as fast as her boot would let her, its plastic bottom scraping against the floor. She lumbered toward him, forcing him back against the counter. “You think Cooper broke my heart? You think that’s why I have to remind myself you aren’t him every time I see you? Screw you, Julian.”
She tried to back away, but he reached for her hand. “Addie…”
“No.” She jerked her hand free and crossed her arms. “You want to know the truth?”
“I’m not sure you even know the truth.”
“What is that supposed to mean?”
“I saw how out of it you were that night. You don’t remember much, do you?”
She sighed, all the anger leaving her tense posture. “No.” She ran a hand through her wild curls.
Julian never wanted to talk about what happened. He’d always been afraid no one would believe him. Cooper was revered not only in Twin Rivers but in his own family as well. Yet, standing in front of him was the only other person who knew the darkness inside his twin.
Blowing out a breath, Julian began. “I spent most of the night watching everyone like I normally do. The football players were making fun of Peyton, and Coop stood up to them. He seemed okay then. Avery was mixing everyone drinks, and you spent a big part of the night flirting with him. But I knew it was only to make Cooper jealous.”
He sighed. “I lost track of how much you drank when I went to hang out with Nari. I just…couldn’t watch you fawning over my brother any longer.”
Addison flinched.
“Sorry.”
“No,” she said. “You’re right. That’s what I did back then.”
He went on. “After a while, I went looking for Coop. We were obviously the same age, but I always looked out for him even when I couldn’t stand the guy. He was my brother. I found Avery passed out in the living room and woke him up. He only pointed to the stairs. By then, I knew something wasn’t right. I don’t know how. Call it a twin thing, but I knew he was up to no good.”
“What did you find upstairs, Julian?” Addison’s eyes bore into him. This story belonged to her as much as it did Julian.
“You and Cooper.”
Addison hiccupped back a sob.
“I rushed in and punched Cooper in the face. That’s when I saw you on the bed. Addison…I’ve never been able to get that image out of my mind. He’d forced himself on top you, tearing your clothes. By the time I got him off, you looked so helpless.”
“I’m not helpless.”
“I know! God, I know that. But that night, I wanted to kill my own brother after what he did to you. I shoved him out of your room and chased him out of the house. Once I caught up to him, he took a swing at me.”
“The fight Peyton talks about… The reason Cooper decided to leave and got in the accident. It was because of me? Because he… he…” Tears streamed down her face, and she didn’t bother to wipe them away.
“No.” Julian reached for her hand, not letting it go this time. “Addison, you listen to me. It was because of him. You are not to blame for his actions. Cooper made his own choices that night.”
A sob shook her and without thinking, Julian pulled her against his chest. She sank into him, taking whatever comfort he was willing to give.
When she spoke again, his skin muffled her words. “I don’t want that night to have power over me anymore.”
“Cooper is gone, Addie,” he whispered into her hair. “I wish he was still here so he could make it right, but he’s not. You’re the only one who can give yourself that power back.”
She nodded against him, her soft hair brushing his chest.
“And for the record, Addie. I never hated you. Even when I couldn’t understand your infatuation with my brother, I couldn’t hate you.”
“Thanks for saying that, Julian. I don’t think most of the kids at school would feel the same.”
He laughed. “Maybe not. But who cares what they think?”
For a long moment, neither of them spoke. Julian rubbed circles on Addison’s back. Before the accident, he’d dreamed of getting to hold her one day. Now, as he felt her shudder against him, he knew this wouldn’t last. They could form a truce in the middle of a deserted kitchen at three a.m., but come Monday morning, Julian would once again become the boy Twin Rivers wished hadn’t returned.
The one who caused the entire town pain with a single look.
Addison’s finger traced the ridges of Julian’s abs as if she couldn’t help herself. “Julian,” she whispered.
“Hmm?” He closed his eyes and rested his chin on her head.
“Why don’t you have a shirt on?” She laughed, leaning away to look up at him.
Hearing Addison’s laughter made any embarrassment fall to the back of his mind. He shrugged. “You’re the one wandering my house in the middle of the night in nothing but short shorts and a tank top.”
She stepped away to appraise him. “I know you think we all just see Coop when we look at you, but you’re missing one key thing, Julian.”
“Go on then. Tell me what I’m missing.”
One side of her mouth curved up. “Cooper will be forever frozen in time, perpetually seventeen. But you… You’ll grow older, you’ll change. You already have. Nineteen-year-old Julian has a different look than seventeen-year-old Cooper. You two were identical twins until the day he died. Now, there’s only one of you. I have to believe I’m not the only one who sees it. And one day, maybe you’ll look in the mirror and Julian will be staring back at you, not your brother. I want that for you. We may not be friends. I don’t know if we ever were. But I wish you could see what I see now.”
“What do you see?” He swallowed.
“Just Julian. The boy who has always been floating in the background of my life, playing second fiddle to his twin. The one who comes when he’s needed even when I don’t deserve him. You’re good, Julian. You are not your brother’s mistakes. I’d really like to be your friend, but I’m not sure I deserve a friend like you.”
Julian couldn’t find the words to say to her. The truth was, she deserved everything, but he wasn’t the type to be a friend. Addison came from a different world, liking him for the simple fact he understood her pain, a pain she didn’t share with anyone else.
And Julian wanted to be in her life. He wanted her. Always had. But the Addison Parker in this kitchen didn’t exist in the real world.
He offered her a smile she could take any way she chose and put a hand on her shoulder. “Need help back to your room?”
She shook her head, gathering up her crutches. “These things keep me pretty steady.”
He only nodded and left her staring after him, wishing he had it in him to turn around and tell her they could be whatever she wanted them to be.
7
Addison
“Garrett, you don’t have to follow me around anymore,” Addison said patiently. “I’m off my crutches.” After her last physical therapy appointment, Addie happily ditched her crutches, but she was still trapped in the boot, and would be for a while longer.
Addie shuffled down the hall where Garrett waited by the gym doors, eager to hold them open for her.
“I don’t mind.” He gave her a goofy grin, nudging his glasses
back in place. “It’s been a long day, and it’s your first day without crutches. I’m sure you’re tired. Just go put your feet up, and let me do the running around for you. Then I can drive you to physical therapy.”
“Fine.” Addison sighed. Instead of helping Addison herself, Meghan had assigned Garrett “Addie duty” so he was her perpetual shadow. “You can be my cameraman.” He was so sweet and so eager to help she didn’t have the heart to tell him she was capable of taking care of herself now that she was just on the boot.
With a deep breath, Addie charged into the gym, Garrett trotting along behind her, his phone out, filming her entrance. “Not now.” She glared at him. He was sweet, but he also grated on her nerves most of the time.
“Shape up, girls! If we’re going to win this, we have to be better than good. That’s where Addie made her mistake with her routine.” Meghan’s shrill voice echoed over the squad’s cheering.
Addie watched from the sidelines as the girls attempted a 2:2:1 360° pyramid—a level-five stunt. She rolled her eyes when they tumbled to the mat halfway through it. Of course, they could do it with lots of practice. But the stunt was too much for an already difficult routine.
Addison clapped when they all got back on their feet, unharmed. “Good try, girls.”
“You’re here.” Meghan’s brow tried to climb up to her hairline. “And you’re off your crutches.”
“I’m still stuck with this damn thing, though.” Addie hobbled across the room to address her squad. “Take the mat, girls. We have to discuss the routine for state.”
“I’m sorry you’ve been injured, Addie, but we’ve changed the routine, and we’re not going back. I’m in charge now. The squad needs a captain who can compete.”
“Well, you’re not it until I say you’re it. Sit down, Meghan.” She tried not to smile when the other girls followed her instructions and sat in a circle on the mat for a team meeting.
“We took a vote, Addie.” Meghan stomped her foot like the spoiled child she was.
“That’s fine. If the girls want you to lead them in the routine if I can’t, then that’s up to them, but there are rules, Meghan. You’ve always wanted to be captain, but you’ve never bothered to learn the rules.”
The C Word: Redefining Me (Book 3) Page 5