“Um, okay, sure,” I agree. “Just let me get dressed.”
This time Cole doesn’t just turn his back and wait for me, he turns his back and walks away. “Okay, give me a shout when you’re dressed and I’ll carry you back,” he doesn’t turn his head back to yell at me.
Did I do something? Is he upset with me? For the life of me I can’t think of why. Confusion eats at me as I try to quickly slip into his clothes. I can’t believe how much the idea is bothering me.
16
Abbie
Cole carries me back to his cabin in silence. Not a single word is spoken between us and it’s like every step he takes builds the worry in my gut that I’ve done something wrong. I’m surprised as he approaches his place, marches in through the door and softly lays me down on the bed. I don’t mean to let my eyes trace where his long-sleeved waffle shirt is clinging to his muscular frame. I get drawn into the deep valleys between his abs before realizing that I’m blatantly staring and close my eyes. When I open them, and focus on Cole’s intense gaze, I can see that the fire I thought was anger building inside him is something entirely different.
It's desire.
I’d be lying I if said I didn’t feel it too. This rush of heat burning over my sensitive skin, I’ve never felt anything like it. Certainly not from looking at a man. Not that I’ve ever given myself any time to explore any of that.
With my scholarship giving me a chance to get educated, I didn’t care about the boys in my classes. However, right now I’m not looking at a boy. Cole is most definitely a man.
I swallow hard and realize my breathing has grown quick and shallow. Cole sinks to his knees and leans over me, never moving his eyes from mine. I shiver with anticipation as he finally crushes his lips into mine and I moan into his mouth with longing I’ve never experienced before.
Cole hears my cry of desire and slides his hands under my shirt, easing it up over my belly and my breasts, “I want you so bad Abbie. I need you.” His voice is hoarse and thick. It sends a deep tremor down the length of my body straight to my clit. My entire body feels alive, every nerve quaking with a strange mixture of excitement and uncertainty.
“I want to taste every inch of you. I want to kiss these,” he leans over and licks my taut nipple and I throw my head back with the unexpected pleasure that courses through me. Cole pulls the drawstring of the pants I borrowed and unties the bow I put in them to hold them on my hips. “I want to taste you here,” his broad hand grazes against the outside of the pants and my hips involuntarily convulse toward him.
“Is that what you want?” He looks down at me and I bite my lip and cast my eyes down to my toes. I do. I want him more than anything, but I don’t have the first clue how to be for him. I don’t know what he wants. I don’t know what I want for that matter.
Cole stops and pulls back, he lifts my quivering hands into his and kisses them, “What’s wrong?” I can see genuine concern in his eyes.
I try to find the words to tell him. I’m too embarrassed to let him know.
He searches my face, “I don’t want to do anything you’re not comfortable with. I’m sorry, I thought you wanted this too,” he frowns and begins to pull away but I grab him.
“No, it’s not like that. It’s just, I’m not used to this,” I admit sheepishly.
“What part?” He tilts his head trying to understand the words I don’t want to say.
“All of it,” shame washes over me as I feel him study my face.
“Wait are you… you’re a virgin?”
“Yes. But, that doesn’t change how I feel about you. I want you too, I just feel stupid saying this, but I’m not sure what to do. I mean, of course I know how this works, I’m not an idiot,” I ramble, the words spilling from my mouth before I can even think about them. “But I don’t know how to make you feel good.” my cheeks burn and my eyes prickle with tears as I wait for him to say something. His silence is deafening.
“Listen,” he hooks his thumb under my chin, “look at me,” he pulls up on my jaw until we’re eye-to-eye. “You have nothing to be embarrassed about, Abbie. I’m glad you told me, I wouldn’t want to hurt you.” He runs his other hand over my hair and gives me another quick kiss. It’s all it takes to light my body back up, aching to give myself to him.
“I feel silly,” I admit.
“Don’t. You shouldn’t. Listen, I’m not going to fuck you right now, you’re not ready for it,” his words crush my spirit and make me hate myself for ever confessing my secret.
“No, we can still do this,” I plead.
“No.” His voice is firm. His one word is a complete sentence. “But that doesn’t mean I can’t make you cum,” his eyes twinkle and my heartbeat quickens. “I’m going to eat that sweet little pussy of yours Abbie and make you cum in my mouth. How does that sound?” His voice is raspy and all I can do is nod my head.
17
Cole
Climbing up onto the bed, I straddle a leg on each side of her and soak her up. It’s been a long fucking time since I’ve had the chance to savor a woman, and even then, I can’t think of a single one who made me this hard just by looking at her.
I lean over her and slide my hand under her head, pulling her to meet my hungry mouth in a tantalizing kiss. I glide my tongue against hers then suck her bottom lip into my mouth, giving it a little bite before kissing away the pain.
Pushing her long, damp hair aside, I kiss her tender neck as she exhales like she’s been holding her breath. Her little whimpers grow louder as I suck her soft earlobe between my lips and flicker my tongue over it the same way I plan to with her clit… in due time.
I’m in no rush, I want to taste all of her smooth skin. I want to feel every part of her quake against me as I bring her to ecstasy. I want to kiss and bite and suck every inch of her, marking her as mine.
My cock throbs against my pants and I take in a shaky breath, reminding myself of the control I need.
I tug the shirt bunched over her breasts up and she raises her arms over her head as I slip it off her body. Cupping her perfect tits in my hands I tease her nipples with my thumbs and she squeezes her eyes shut, tossing her head back gasping.
“You’re so sensitive, aren’t you?” I muse as I watch her writhe under me, knowing the pleasure filling her is nothing compared to what will come.
“Mmhmm, that feels so good,” she whispers, like she’s not sure if it’s okay to tell me.
“Good,” I smile down at her, “how about this?” I lick a trail of saliva around her nipple before pulling it in over my teeth and battering my tongue against the diamond tip. Softening my lips, I lick her tenderly and then drag my tongue across the valley between her breasts and tease her other nipple the same way.
Abbie thrashes below me like a woman possessed. She doesn’t seem to have control over her own limbs as she twists up to meet my mouth. She mewls, begging me to teach her body about the white-hot bliss of passion and experience.
Her hips grind against me, begging me for something she’s never had. Her mind might be nervous, her heart might not be ready, but her body knows instinctively what to do. It’s silently pleading with me to fuck her. To claim her. To stretch out her walls until her hymen is mine.
My breathing is jagged and my throat is raw as I fight my urges to rip off her pants and fill her with my cock. It takes a second, but I remember that a moment of intense pleasure would never be worth the regret of going back on my word. I meant what I said about not wanting to hurt her. Besides, good things come to those who wait, that goes for me, and I’m about to show her that it goes for her too.
I kiss and nibble a trail down her ribs and over her belly to the edge of the pants that I lent her. I can smell her desire like a fresh bloom after a spring rain. It fills my nostrils and drives me to the edge of sanity. I hook my fingers under the waistband and tug the pants over her hips, down past her sweet ass in one yank, until they’re pooled around her ankles. Staring between her legs, I lick my lips at
her neatly trimmed pussy. I run my finger over the short hair and pull her lips open to reveal the pearl of desire inside her.
Glancing up at Abbie, I can see she’s nervous. She’s tensed back up and looking down at me with concern etched into her delicate features.
“Just lie back and relax,” I slide down between her legs, “I’m gonna make you feel good, I promise.” I hover over her sweet pussy admiring her untouched lips. Delving my tongue between them, I’m rewarded with a splash of her juices. Like the first drops of water after a long trek through the desert, I lap them up feverishly.
Slipping my tongue deeper between her lips I slide into her tight hole and she squeezes down on me, making me groan as my cock jealously throbs against the fabric of my pants. I take a long, slow lick up to her sensitive nub, flattening my tongue against it, letting her get used to the sensation.
Abbie cries out and opens her thighs wide, until each of her legs is lying flat against the bed. I smile against her, then begin to lick slow, lazy circles over her clit. Her cries grow louder and she begins to buck against my mouth, chasing her pleasure.
I press one finger against her wet slit and push it inside her. Her body writhes under me as her pussy squeezes against my finger tightly. I flicker my tongue against her nub quicker as I press into her center. Abbie moans and twists as I take her to the edge. Thrashing my tongue over her clit, I thrust my finger inside and hook it toward me, pressing against the spot inside that brings her to new heights. Abbie cries out while covering her face with her hands, and throws her head back. I relentlessly lick her clit until her shuddering and quivering stops.
Pulling out my finger, I lick off her sweet nectar with a smile and climb back up beside her.
“That was incredible,” she looks at me with her hooded eyes and gives me a dreamy smile.
“I’m glad,” I answer honestly and pull her into me. Abbie nuzzles into my chest and I pull the blankets over us and wrap my arms around her.
“I’ve never felt like that before,” she confesses. “I mean, I’ve touched myself, of course, but it’s never felt like that,” her voice is breathy.
I run my hand over her hair and kiss her forehead, holding her tight. “There’s a lot more where that came from, Abbie. But right now, you need some rest.”
She doesn’t answer me, she just snuggles in a little closer and I feel her body relax in my arms. Before long I can hear her breathing grow deeper as she drifts off into sleep as I hold her in my arms. I don’t want to fall asleep, I don’t want this feeling to end. I just want to lie here and hold her like this forever.
18
Abbie
Ka-caw! Caw!
My eyelids flutter open as the sound of a bird outside the window drags me from my peaceful sleep. Outside, I can see a big, black crow pecking at an acorn. The warm streaks of afternoon sun are bursting across the room, making it toasty warm in here. Not that sleeping next to a tall, burly man isn’t enough to keep my blood pumping.
Caw! The crow mouths off before taking off into flight. It’s funny how back home a constant stream of honking horns from gridlocked traffic would put me out like a sweet lullaby, but actual noises from the world of nature are jarring to me.
I look up at Cole, sleeping like a baby next to me. Obviously he’s used to being surrounded by the sounds of the forest. He didn’t even flinch from the bird. He looks so calm next to me right now. Like the torrent of anguish he carries around, coursing through his soul, is also taking a nap, letting him recharge.
I can’t help but smile at his thick lips. Lips that brought me intense bliss I’ve never felt before. My cheeks flame up with the thought and the burn spreads down my neck and over my exposed breasts.
I love how I feel in his arms. If I’m honest, I love how it feels to be in his life. There’s something about a man that can not only take care of your needs, like keeping me fed not to mention making me cum… I lost my train of thought. Oh, right, but also being with a man who makes you feel safe.
Protected.
It gives me a deep comfort that I haven’t felt since childhood when Mama would reassure me there were no monsters under the bed, pulling back the blankets to prove it. Just that feeling that nothing can hurt you as long as you’re with them. That they can make the entire world a better place just for you. It calms that anxiety that I think every woman feels inside. The one that comes from the everyday battles and the constant background threats of the world we live in. It’s amazing to let those go, even if it’s only for a brief time.
What would Mama think of Cole? I try to imagine introducing her to him, back before she got sick. Would she think this was reckless?
“Abbie, please baby, hand me that water. I can’t reach that far,” she croaked at me after another round of chemo. She was always so weary after her treatment, it was like it took ten years off her. The same poison that she needed to kill off the cancer made her a feeble shell of the boisterous, happy woman who raised me.
“Here you go,” I helped bring the glass of water to her pale, cracked lips and she slowly sipped the liquid. When she was finished, she fell back against her pillow, strewing her headscarf to the side and sighed.
I hated seeing her that way. When I was a kid, my Mama was like Wonder Woman to me. Smart, pretty, heroically brave. It always felt like there was nothing she couldn’t do.
“I’m gonna let you get some rest, okay?” I whispered, unsure if she was already asleep.
“No,” she clutched my hand and her eyes sprang open, “please, don’t go.”
“Okay, of course,” I agreed.
“I need to talk to you, honey,” her voice sounded urgent. Like there was a family secret she needed to share before it was too late. Like whatever it was had been weighing on her for years.
I waited for her to catch her breath, holding her hand loosely so I wouldn’t add to the bruises on her frail skin.
“Abbie, please listen to me. You have always been my absolute pride. My heart bursts with joy when I think of you. I could never have been blessed with a better daughter. I’ve known that since the day you were born,” she swallowed hard.
“Thanks, but you don’t need to do this now…”
She held up her bony fingers and I clamped my mouth shut. I didn’t want to argue with her.
“I’ve never questioned what you want to do or tried to tell you what path to take, but honey, I’m running out of time.”
“No, you’re not,” tears slid from my eyes. Little did I know then, she was right. She must have known in her heart that the end of her struggle was in sight. It wasn’t even six months later that she took her last breath.
“Listen, please,” she pleaded quietly and I stopped protesting. “Abbie, you’re so smart, and I’m glad that you’re doing so well with your political science degree, I am. But, I’m worried for you too. Sometimes I see you taking the safest route. You’ve learned a lot about how the world works on paper in the last two years, but what have you experienced? What have you tasted, felt, smelled, and seen? What made you fall in love? What broke your heart? What made you so angry you decided to make a change? Do you understand what I mean?”
I knew what she was saying, but to understand the depth of her words, of her passion, that wouldn’t come until after she passed.
“Yes,” I agreed with her.
“Don’t wake up one day when you’re dying and realize that you never lived. I had a wild and crazy youth. I backpacked around South America, I hitchhiked across Europe, I had many jobs before I found my career. By the time I had you, I was ready to be a mom. I was ready to give all of myself to raising you because I never felt like I was missing out on anything. Please, honey, don’t go from my house, to college, to a career, to marriage, to kids, to regrets and then into your grave.” She coughed and leaned forward. I reached for her water and helped her take a longer sip this time.
“Mom, we can talk about this more when you’re feeling better. Right now, you need some sleep,” I helped
her back onto her pillow.
She waved her hand, but closed her eyes. “I will,” she agreed. “Just promise me that you won’t spend so much time trying to live the perfect life that you wake up one day and realize all your experiences were sanitized and safe, Abbie. Life is messy. Get messy.”
“Okay, Mama,” I promised, not fully feeling the impact of her words.
It wasn’t until I dropped a handful of soil on her coffin that the conversation came back to me. It literally took getting my hand dirty from my mother’s funeral to spark an awakening inside me. It took her death to give me life.
Tears stream from the corners of my eyes and I snuggle in closer to Cole. Instinctively, he wraps his arm around me tighter and the slow, steady beat of his heart helps calm me down.
She would’ve approved, I smile despite my tears. My muscles are flooded with relief as I realize that my mother would be so happy to see me having a crazy adventure with a good man like Cole out in the Yukon woods. I breathe in deep, and let myself drift back into a hazy fog of happiness knowing that for the first time in my life, I’m actually living. And Mama would be proud.
19
Cole
I’m sitting in my old chair, the brown leather one from my living room. Damn I miss that thing. The way it moulded to my body, perfectly shaped against my skin. The rough cut chair I put together is a far cry from the comfort of that beauty.
Wait, why am I home? I look around my familiar house and the walls seem to form and appear as I turn my head to squint at them. It’s still as sparsely decorated as ever, I never did see much point in putting a bunch of paintings on the wall when I’m deployed half the time. Then I’d come home from a mission and get posted across the country anyway. It seemed silly to decorate just for the movers.
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