My face heated up when I thought of what I did in Jack’s bedroom—what we did. I squeezed my legs together and rolled onto my side, remembering how it felt, his fingers, his mouth. How would I ever be able to forget about him? I couldn’t. I didn’t want to.
Julian drifted into my mind. He was different, and I was different with him—not desperate. Calm and smart. But my insides didn’t work that way. They were torn and obsessed, and I still wanted Jack. He was a bad drug that left me craving more even when it hurt me. Maybe I was the idiot. I was the one swimming with sharks and didn’t know it. But how to stop? How did I climb out of the water when everything in me wanted to stay and keep swimming?
* * *
Lucy sent me a text early Saturday morning. Jack convinced Dad we should still have the party. Julian said you didn’t get an invite. Here’s one—please come.
I stared at the words several minutes trying to process two things. Jack still wanted to have their party, and he still hadn’t invited me. It hurt, but I was going.
Julian sent me a follow-up text offering a ride within minutes of my receiving Lucy’s, and that’s how I found myself standing next to him, looking up at the Kyser house, which was lit up and glowing like a crystal palace in the black October night. I’d never seen it this way, and I felt like I was visiting for the first time.
My hair was blown out straight again, but in the white cotton sundress I’d chosen to wear and bronze sandals, I felt like a baby walking up to a house of sophisticates.
“You look great,” Julian said. “And Helen Freed better look out for me. I might get better at making her jewelry than she is.”
He was dressed in his standard black jeans with a grey blazer over a matching grey tee. With his shaggy, dark locks and rock-star swagger, Julian could pass anywhere—and he seemed at ease everywhere.
“I think everybody’d better look out for you.” I was still staring at the mansion. “You’re the next big thing.”
He threw an arm around my neck and kissed the top of my head. “That’s my angel.”
The small voice inside me said I should snap out of it. That what I needed was more Julian. But I shut it up. I shoved it far down and away in favor of my body’s demand for more Jack. I wanted more of his rich blend of excitement, sex, and intrigue. The life I’d been tossed out of. Maybe.
“What’s the plan?” Julian said, interrupting my thoughts. “Party up, then meet at the car around midnight?”
“That’s what I told Mom, so yeah. What do I do if you want to stay longer?”
“You can take the T-bird back, and I’ll catch a ride with Brad. Don’t wreck it.” I shook my head as he folded the keys into the sun visor.
As we approached the Kyser home, it seemed wider somehow, with tiny lights illuminating the balconies and guests laughing and spilling over onto the lawn. It was like something out of a movie, only I hadn’t been cast in it. Or given the screenplay.
I started to feel nervous about seeing Jack again. I didn’t want to seem like a stalker. But Lucy had invited me here. She and I were friends even if he wouldn’t give us a chance.
Then I had a worse thought. What if he didn’t want me here?
No. I had to believe my non-invite was just an oversight or him trying to protect me. He had to know I would’ve heard about a party at his house.
Julian sensed my hesitation and pulled my hand through the crook of his arm. But it didn’t ease my fear. We were at the door, and my chest was tight, my throat dry. I looked at him wide-eyed.
“Here we go,” he said ominously. “Into the lion’s den.”
Then he laughed and poked me gently in the side as he pushed open the door. It was a different entrance than I’d used before. Loud music greeted us as we passed through a waiting room the size of my bedroom. It was what some people called a mud room, and it had a bench where I supposed you sat to take off your muddy boots after a long day pheasant hunting or something. From where we stood, I could see inside the house was more decorated than outside. Everything was golden and crystal, and Julian lifted two slim flutes of champagne off a side table.
“No adults?” he whispered, handing me a flute and taking a sip from his. “Is this heaven?”
I glanced at him, and he winked before throwing back the rest of his drink. I followed suit and drained my glass. I might usually avoid alcohol, but tonight was a whole different ballgame.
We passed a bronze half-bath that glowed with golden light. The sink was a large, blown-glass flower, with a brazen stem forming the base. “Cool,” Julian pulled away to check it out, but I kept going.
The floors were the same smooth, beige stone apparently throughout the downstairs. Travertine. That’s what it was. I recognized it from one of my dad’s jobs. Very expensive. Of course.
I passed through the kitchen into the familiar dining and living area with its wall of floor-to-ceiling windows stretching across the north side facing the bay. Another stand of champagne flutes was against the wall, and I took one, quickly sipping to calm my nerves.
French doors opened onto the wrap-around patio made of the same flagstone as the driveway. More kids were spilling out that way, and far across the lawn, I saw Brad and Renee with Lucy. Her dress was a thigh-length, shiny yellow strapless chiffon, and she was radiant and laughing. If I didn’t know it, I would never have guessed she was at the hospital two days ago. No sign of her sadness tonight.
Slowly I continued through the house, searching, straining my eyes for him. It seemed like I heard his voice outside, so I made my way to the patio again. But he wasn’t there. I kept walking, remembering there was a private balcony around back. Just as I reached the corner, I saw him.
He was standing at the far end looking gorgeous as ever in tailored pants and a light blazer. The perfect host. His blonde hair moved slightly in the breeze, and his lips parted as he smiled. I couldn’t help remembering the last time he kissed me, his hands touching me. I wanted to be there, standing beside him, glowing as his date.
But that position had been filled.
My breath caught and instantly my eyes filled. I didn’t know her, but she could’ve been a model. She was as tall as Jack, with short, blonde hair and perfectly white teeth. She was dressed in a sparkly golden slip-dress that moved easily over her lean body. The knot in my throat grew tighter as I watched him say something in her ear, his lips grazing the side of her cheek. She smiled before kissing his mouth and dropping onto the loveseat he stood behind. Just as fast, he took a long drink of amber liquid from a crystal tumbler, and my heart broke as his hand slid down her cheek, past her neck, and into the front of her dress. She dropped her head back, and he bent forward and kissed her.
From far away, I heard the sound of shattering glass. The champagne flute I’d been holding had slipped from my fingers and fallen at my feet. Jack’s head lifted and our eyes met. Crystal crunched under my sandals as I backed away quickly, banging into a small table in my haste. I spun around to catch it, and when I looked up, two kids I didn’t know were staring at me.
Without a pause, I stood and flew out the back door, running toward the bay. I couldn’t see in the darkness. My eyes were still dazzled from the lights of the party and from Jack’s betrayal. My stomach throbbed so badly, I had to get away before the tears started. I knew they wouldn’t stop.
I had no idea what I slammed into that threw me to the ground. “Ow!” I cried out, throwing my hands forward as I slid onto all fours.
I only spent a moment on my face. Aching and bleeding, I rose and kept running toward the water, my eyes blurred with tears. I couldn’t stop them. Dry-heaves jerked me, until finally I made it to the bay. It felt like someone was jamming a knife into my side. I had a runner’s cramp, and I couldn’t catch my breath. I dropped onto the sand, gasping and crying. It hurt so bad. I was such an idiot. Such a stupid, stupid idiot, I sobbed.
I didn’t remember taking off my sandals, but I was barefoot, lying on my face, clutching the sand in front of me a
nd trying with all my might not to fall apart completely. Not here. But my insides felt like they were being torn out and shredded by a careless butcher, and all I could do was moan as the tears poured from my eyes.
Who was that girl? Clearly, they were very comfortable together. Not even a flicker of hesitation when he felt her up, as if his hands had been there before. That was when I saw the truth. I’d hoped his dad was the reason, but now I knew why he didn’t invite me to the party. He didn’t want me there.
I coughed, still crying, still fighting tears. I wanted to die. I was so stupid. I wanted to scream and cry. But I had to stop. The smallest note of self-preservation rang in my chest, and I forced myself to get control. It took all my strength, but I pulled myself up and slowly rubbed the sand from my hands and cheeks, taking a careful step on my injured leg. I couldn’t go back there, but I couldn’t stay here.
My phone was in my purse in Julian’s car. Oh god! Julian’s car. He’d tucked the keys in the visor, so I could leave when I wanted. I slowly limped up the beach in the direction of the T-bird. I hadn’t gone far when I heard a car pull up on the roadside and a door slam.
“Anna? Is that you?” It was Julian.
“Julian? Oh, god.” My knees were weak, and I lowered myself again to the sand, tears back in my eyes.
“Jesus, Anna.” He jogged to me and knelt at my side. “You totally disappeared back there. I went for drinks and next thing I knew, you were gone. If I hadn’t found your shoes… Did you fall?”
“I’m sorry. I… I just—”
“I know. I saw Jack with that Casey chick, and I figured you must be wigging out.”
“Casey. That was Casey Simpson?” I asked.
“You know her?”
“No.” I whispered, but Lucy’s words flooded my brain. She’d broken Jack’s heart. Seemed she’d returned to collect the pieces.
“Are you okay?” Julian asked. “Can I do something?”
I looked up at his concerned face. That little voice I kept silencing bleated yes with all its might, but I could only cry.
“I’m so stupid, Julian,” I sobbed, looking down. “I’m just so stupid. It was all so beautiful, and I wanted to be a part of it. I wanted to be with him…”
“Anna.” Julian pulled me into a hug and rubbed my back. My face was cradled warm against his shoulder, but I couldn’t stop the sobs jerking me. “Those guys are so messed up. You don’t want that.”
My voice was muffled against him. “I did. You don’t know how much, what I was willing to do.”
He took my arms and held me back, looking into my eyes. “You want that life?”
I nodded.
His brow lined. “Then earn it. You’re smart enough to have whatever you want. Go out and get it for yourself.”
I shook my head and looked down. He didn’t understand. I would never be like that.
We sat in silence a few seconds, Julian holding both of my hands. Then finally he gave me a gentle pull. “C’mon,” he said, helping me stand. “Let’s blow off this party and catch a movie or go to Scoops. This isn’t our scene. Over the top, glitzy stupidness for what? A birthday? Acting like nothing even happened two days ago.”
“Lucy. What about Lucy? The ring?” I was standing in front of him, our hands still joined.
“I’ll give it to you,” he smiled, reaching up to move a strand of hair from my eyes. “You liked it, didn’t you?”
“You can’t give me Lucy’s ring.” I shook my head, the tears trying to start again. “I just want to go home. Can I just go home now?”
“Sure,” he said, holding my cheek. I took a limping step, and he stopped me. “Does it hurt to walk?”
My leg throbbed. I nodded, looking down, and before I realized what was happening, he lifted me in his arms.
“Julian, wait,” I held his shoulders. “I’m too heavy!”
He smiled and hugged me close. “Are you kidding? You’ve seen my sculptures. All that scrap. You’re way lighter. And softer.”
“Still,” I tried to protest.
“It’s okay,” he said, continuing to walk. I sighed and leaned my cheek against his shoulder. I didn’t feel like fighting. Gentle pressure against my temple, and he’d kissed my head. “You’ll get over this,” I heard him say quietly, under his breath.
We were at the car, and he helped me inside. “Now wait here. I’m gonna go pop that guy in the mouth.”
My eyes lifted to his, and I tried to smile back. But my usual return-banter wasn’t working tonight. “Please don’t.”
He pressed his lips together. “Whatever you say.”
We drove the whole way back with nothing but the radio playing. My head rested on the seat back, and I studied my savior. His bottom lip moved slightly as he chewed it, and his dark hair was pushed around his face by the open window. He wasn’t crowding or questioning me. He was simply taking me home. As I watched him, that little voice inside me whispered, “I love you.”
I shook my head and squeezed my eyes closed, trying to remember how many glasses of champagne I’d drunk before finding Jack with his hand down another girl’s dress. I would love anyone who helped me right now.
I leaned forward and cranked up the volume, rolling down the windows to let the salty, humid air blow my curls back in.
Chapter 14
By the time I reached home, I was numb, nauseated, and weak. I couldn’t stop seeing Jack’s hand on Casey’s breast or her red lips kissing his mouth. And every time I did, I felt the gut-kicking ache of betrayal all over again.
It made sense now. If I were there, he couldn’t be with her, and she’d supposedly run off and left him wanting more. Casey Simpson. She was beautiful and sophisticated and smart. She was in college, and her parents lived on Hammond Island. I was sure his dad had no objections to that match.
I doctored my leg in the bathroom, cleaning off the blood and examining what was already turning into a bruise. Very attractive. I went to my room and crawled under my covers. I didn’t think I’d ever get to sleep, but when I opened my eyes again, it was morning. I jumped up and started throwing clothes into my duffel bag. I was getting out of here, and Nana’s was the perfect escape.
I was on the beach by afternoon, under an umbrella and nursing my pulverized heart. Nana was working on a project for her Master Gardeners class, so she let me have the day to myself, which was fine with me. I wanted to be alone to suffer.
By sunset, I’d read every article on my tablet, and I’d worked hard to think only about the news and my new job at the paper and not how for a brief time I’d felt like the princess of East End Beach.
And it still hurt.
The sun was setting, and as much as I wanted, I couldn’t stay out here forever. I pulled my cover-up around me in the cooling October air, turning just in time to catch sight of him walking up the shoreline in my direction. My breath caught. Jack.
His eyebrows were pulled together, and he was moving quickly toward me. In the space of one second, I went from wanting to scream at him to wanting to cry, to wanting to run to him and kiss him, to wanting to run away or better yet, hit him. He stopped in front of me, looking down as the wind tossed his hair. My throat was so tight it ached.
“I’ve been calling you all day,” he said, seeming angry. “Your phone goes straight to voicemail. So I called your house, and your mom told me you were here.”
Adrenaline vibrated just under my skin, but I managed to say, “Why?”
He let out a deep exhale, dropping to the sand. “I didn’t know you’d be there last night.”
“I could tell. Your hands were very full.”
His blue eyes flashed. “You and I are not together, Anna. And Casey’s an old friend.”
“An old friend you felt up.”
The muscle in his jaw flinched, and he looked out at the water.
“Why are you here, Jack?” I snapped.
He looked back. “I don’t know. I was worried about you.”
Anger clutched
my chest, stronger than the pain in my stomach. It pushed me to my feet. “You don’t have to worry about me, Jack Kyser, I’m fine. We’re through, and you can do what you want.”
He reached for my hand, but I pulled it away, walking furiously down the beach. He ran to catch up and caught my arm, but I jerked it back and kept walking.
“Sure. That’s great. Just walk away.” His voice was sharp, which only angered me more. “I only came to say I wouldn’t have done that to you.”
I stopped walking and spun around to face him. “No? You wouldn’t? Then what would you do? Kiss me and touch me and leave me wanting more? Then throw me away without any explanation—just in time for your ex to roll into town for a hookup?”
“It wasn’t like that.” His lips tightened. “And I did try to explain. You have no idea the shit I’m dealing with, Anna. At least she knows what to expect.”
The wind was blowing my curls all in my face. He stepped forward and caught a lock in his hand, studying me. “My life. My family. The pressure. It almost killed Lucy… you’ll thank me one day.”
“I’m thanking you now,” I snapped back, pushing his hand away. “And feel free to leave at any time.”
“Fine,” he said backing up. “I didn’t come here to confuse the situation. I just came to apologize. I’m really sorry.”
“Yes, you are,” I growled. “Apology accepted. Have a nice life.”
He paused for a second. Then he stepped forward and caught my cheeks, frustration lining his brow. I wanted to struggle, to push him back hard, but it was too late. He leaned in fast and kissed me, and it was like a flame to gasoline. Heat roared through me and I kissed him back. I was mad and my whole body was tense, but I shoved my fingers into his hair and opened my mouth, pulling him closer, wanting more. His tongue found mine, and I didn’t care what happened last night. My legs trembled, and I just wanted him. All of him. I didn’t care if it was a huge mistake. I didn’t care if it made me weak and pathetic. I hated myself, but my need to have him was stronger than my need to hurt him.
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