by Joanna Nadin
The hospital smelt of Dettol and cabbage and sounded like a swimming pool, all hollow and echoey. Dave Two was at the desk in his white uniform with his upside down watch. He said, ‘All right, Dave, Billy boy.’ I looked up at Dave One, my Dave, and said, ‘Are you going to work?’ But he didn’t answer, he just held my hand and walked past all the beds with the ill and broken people to the end of the ward. When we got to the last curtain he stopped and said, ‘In there, Billy.’ And I thought it was wrong to just look at people behind curtains who might be ill or dying and didn’t even know you but he pulled the curtain back for me.
In bed was Sean Hawkes. And he wasn’t dead. He was sat up in bed with a big white bandage on his head like in Stan’s medical kit and he was reading a Batman comic and eating a banana. I looked back at Dave and he was holding something out to me. The Mario game. The one Kyle stole. That I stole. He smiled and said, ‘Go on.’ And I knew what he wanted me to do. And I wanted to do it as well. Because I could feel the smile growing a little bit more inside me. So I said it. ‘I’m sorry.’
Sean said it was all right and he knew it was Kyle who did it. I said, ‘No it’s not, I should have said no.’ But he said it’s hard to say no to Kyle Perry. I said, ‘Yeah.’ Then he said, ‘Anyway I get off school and they took X-rays of my head and everyone brought me comics and stuff.’ And then he let me sit on the bed and we made it go up and down and Dave didn’t even tell us off even though I know he is always getting annoyed with visitors for doing that normally because the Sister of No Mercy says it’s not a theme park it’s a hospital.
When it was time to go Sean said, ‘See you in school, Grimshaw.’ And I nodded and grinned. Because now there were two of us. Me and him. Three with Big Lauren, if she’ll be my friend again.
Four with Dave.
Dave put me to bed. The letter and the bag were gone. I said, ‘Are you going to tell Mum?’ He said, ‘Not if you don’t want me to.’ I shook my head. He said, ‘Sorry about your dad.’
And I looked at the glo-stars. At the Plough and Ursa Major and the half Orion. But I didn’t count them. Not once. Because I was thinking that, even though Dave wasn’t a spy and didn’t save the world, he had saved Sean Hawkes.
And even though Mum was at Stacey’s and Stan was at Nan’s, I felt safe.
Friday
4th July
I didn’t kill Dolly either. Nor did Mr A M Feinstein. Mrs Webster from Stonar Street found him in Kwiksave. He was looking at the tinned tomatoes. Anyway, a shop girl saw him as well and screamed, even though he’s only a cat, and Dolly ran out of the front door and into the road and a Black Ford Mondeo Y registration ran him over. By the time Mrs Webster got there he was all broken and dead so she got a crisp box from Costcutter and took him back to Nan’s on her shopping trolley.
Dave told me at breakfast, which was at ten o’clock because I slept so late. Normally Stan would wake me up at seven with his singing and his Playmobil but he was still at Nan’s and Mum was at Stacey’s.
Dave said he’d called in sick for both of us so we didn’t have to go to school or to work. Instead we had to go and say sorry.
We started at Shoe Mania. We didn’t give the trainers back though, Dave gave them £19.99 instead because I’d run in them and they had mud on and were scuffed and one of the light batteries was dead so only one shoe flashed any more. I felt sick when we walked up to the counter but after I’d said it, said sorry, it felt brilliant and the seed inside me grew a bit more and the man in the shop who’d been picking up the Spider-Man slippers said, ‘Blimey that’s the first time that’s happened, we lose at least five pairs a week you know, normally size five ladies, but the CCTV is on the blink and it’s probably someone just doing it for the buzz.’ And I remembered the electricity feeling and I wondered if that was the buzz and if so why anyone would want it. Because Dr Singh says it’s something working too hard inside me, it’s part of being different. But maybe some people want to be different.
Mr Patel was nice too, because of Nan. He said, ‘You’re a good boy in your heart, Billy Grimshaw, just stay clear of bad influences, they are everywhere. My Ash is in with a bad lot at college. They drink, they fight, they do who knows what. Some kids just will not listen, but you listen, Billy, you listen to Dave, he knows what’s right.’ I said, ‘Except in Doctor Who, he thinks Amy is better than Donna.’ And Dave laughed and the seed grew a little bit more.
Dave said we didn’t have to talk to Miss Horridge today about Kyle Perry or being a lookout or running away. He said that could wait. But we did have to see someone else. We had to see Mr A M Feinstein. When he said that I felt the seed shrivel, because I thought, ‘Even if he didn’t kill Dolly, what if he’s actually a spy or a mortal enemy and it is his lair?’ And that maybe we would go in but never come out again, and Mum and Stan would think we’d been kidnapped or swallowed up by a black hole.
But Dave said no is not an option.
I looked at Nan’s house to see if she was watching through the nets so she would know we’d gone into the lair and would raise the alarm. But the curtains were still and I remembered only she can see out and we can’t see in, so instead I sent thought rays through Mr Feinstein’s letterbox saying, ‘Don’t answer the door, don’t answer the door.’ But they didn’t work because he did answer.
He didn’t look like a mortal enemy. He looked like an old man. He was wearing a brown cardigan and trousers and a white shirt, and he smelt like Nan, of musty cupboards. And when he smiled it wasn’t really a villain smile, just a normal smile. But then villains do not go around twirling their moustaches in public so it could still be a clever disguise.
He said, ‘Come in.’ But not how Mum or Dave or Nan say it. He said it in the Dr Van Fleet voice, and my feet started glueing themselves to the floor again and I couldn’t come in, I was stuck on the Welcome doormat in the porch. In the end Dave put his hand on my back and pushed. Not like Kyle Perry pushes but just slowly, and it was amazing, my feet unstuck and walked by themselves like Dave’s hand was telling them what to do, i.e. walk into the front room and sit down in the flowery chair.
Dave stayed standing, but Mr Feinstein sat down on a matching sofa so that all there was in between us was a wooden coffee table with a newspaper and a plate of biscuits on it. He said, ‘I know why you’ve come.’ I said, ‘Can you read minds like Derren Brown?’ because that would be a good superpower. He laughed a short coughy laugh and said, ‘And what is your mind saying now? Let me see. I think it is saying sorry.’ I nodded, totally amazed, because that was exactly what my mind was thinking, part of it anyway. It was also thinking, ‘Where is the nearest exit?’ and ‘What are the biscuits for?’ But Mr Feinstein shook his head and said, ‘I recognised you. You’re Mrs Stokes’s grandson, aren’t you?’ Which is Nan, so I nodded again. Then he said, ‘It was a wrong thing, a bad thing, but you are here now and that is what matters the most.’ Then he pushed the plate of biscuits towards me and said, ‘Go on, have one.’ And I was looking at the Jammie Dodger thinking I would really like it because Mum doesn’t get that kind, she only gets Jaffa Cakes and Bourbons, but what if they’re poisoned with warfarin, because he looks old enough to have heart attacks and need pills. But Mr Feinstein could see all those words in my head because he said, ‘They’re not poisoned.’ And I picked up the Jammie Dodger and held it in my hand, but I didn’t bite into it, not yet. Not until I was sure. So I asked him. Because I didn’t know how else to find out without a superpower. I said, ‘Why were you looking at Nan’s house?’ Mr Feinstein looked down, i.e. he didn’t make eye contact, and I made a note in my mental logbook (which is not as good as a real one because sometimes things get rubbed out by mistake because you think of something else too quickly), but then he looked straight at me and said, ‘I’m lonely. I’m a lonely old man, Billy, and I thought she might be lonely too and want to come out sometime.’ And he didn’t blink or fidget or go red. So I said, ‘She is lonely, because now Dolly is dead.’ He said, ‘Her cat?’
I nodded. He said, ‘That is sad. She has lost someone she loved. Will you tell her for me, Billy, tell her I’m sorry for her loss.’ I nodded again but I had one more question just to be sure.
I said, ‘What does Ich liebe dich mean? Is it code?’ Mr Feinstein smiled. ‘I love you.’ And I thought he was just saying it to me that he loved me, which is weird because he doesn’t know me, not really. But then he said, ‘The note on the wall. It’s German. It means I love you. My wife wrote it to me, a long time ago.’ I said, ‘I didn’t know you had a wife.’ He said, ‘I don’t. Not any more.’ And the spy bit in me said, ‘She’s buried under the patio and you are next, Billy Grimshaw,’ but the boy bit said, ‘What happened to her?’
Mr Feinstein said, ‘She died in the war, Billy. In a camp. I was there, too, but I lived. But now I’m cold all the time. Imagine that. Cold even in summer.’ And I thought about what Miss Horridge said about the Holocaust, and about those pictures in the Imperial War Museum, and I felt cold too, because one of those thin women was her, Mrs Feinstein. She died because the Nazis took her away, and because no one spoke out, no one said anything. ‘I’m sorry,’ I said. And he nodded. And then I bit into my biscuit and it tasted sweet, of jam and shortbread. And I knew there was no poison. And he wasn’t bad. He was just old and lonely, and there is nothing scary in that.
Dave wrote him a cheque for the door. I’m going to pay him back from my pocket money. It’s our secret. Me, Dave and Mr A M Feinstein. We were standing on the doorstep and he bent down, not very far because he is short, shorter than Dave, and I could see everything on his face, the little holes in his skin and the lines and the hairs in his nose. But I wasn’t scared, because of what he said. He said, ‘Look for the good in people, Billy. Everyone has good in them. Try to see it, and make it grow.’ And I knew what he meant. I knew the good was the seed. And I could feel mine growing. Because of Dave. Because of what he’d done. And what he was about to do.
When we got home Mum was sat on the sofa, and I knew something was wrong because my rucksack was on the floor in front of her and my clothes and the Zac Black Annual were on the floor, and she was reading something. She was reading the logbook. And the happy seed inside me shrank down into nothing and all the good feeling from Mr Patel and Shoe Mania and Mr Feinstein evaporated like water into the air until there was nothing inside but heaviness.
She looked up and her eyes were red and I waited for her to shout and scream at me for being bad, but she didn’t shout, she spoke quietly like a whisper, she said, ‘I didn’t know, Billy. I didn’t know.’ And Dave said, ‘Jeanie?’ But Mum didn’t hear him, she just stood up and walked out of the room.
She was lying on my bed looking up at the ceiling with the logbook across her chest. I didn’t say anything, I just lay down next to her and looked at the stars. After a while she said, ‘Orion is missing his belt.’ I said, ‘I know.’ But I knew that wasn’t what she was thinking even though I can’t read minds. I knew it was something important.
It was. She said, ‘I should have seen what was happening, Billy. I should have known. I’m your mum.’ I said, ‘It doesn’t matter now.’ But I felt her shake her head. She said, ‘It does. It’s too quick. It’s all too quick. You’re still missing him. Your dad. I should have listened to your nan.’ Then I felt her face turn towards mine and her breath was on my neck all hot and I turned and could see the faded felt tip around her eyes and the redness and sadness inside them. She said, ‘I won’t do it, Billy. I’ll cancel it. Postpone it. Until I’m ready. Until we’re all ready.’ And the spy bit in me said, ‘You’ve done it, Billy! Mission accomplished.’ But the boy bit didn’t feel excited and pleased and victorious, it felt empty. So I didn’t say ‘Thanks.’ Instead I said, ‘Is Dave the ONE?’ and I could see she thought I was mad because her forehead wrinkled up, and I knew Big Lauren would say she needs Botox, but Mum nodded anyway. I said, ‘How do you know?’ She said, ‘I just do, Billy. You’ll understand one day.’ I said, ‘Lauren says it’s chemicals and there’s nothing you can do. You’re powerless.’ Mum laughed then. She said, ‘Something like that.’ And then I thought harder than I have ever thought in my life. About Dad. Not just in London in his pants and his Radiohead T-shirt, but when he was here and he was shouting all the time and smelt of beer and forgot to come home at night and forgot my birthday. And I thought about Dave. About him carrying me out of school when I felt ill, about him driving to London to save me, about him not telling Mum, about him saving Sean Hawkes, and about the safe feeling. And I understood. And I said, ‘Marry him, Mum. Tomorrow.’ She said, ‘Are you sure?’ I said, ‘He’s the ONE.’
She left the logbook on my bed. But I didn’t read it. I didn’t even open it. I put it in the rubbish bin. Then I closed my eyes and slept.
Saturday
5th July
It was the wedding today. Stan ate three lots of trifle and was sick and Nan had to take him home. But I stayed until ten o’clock and danced with Mum.
Mum looked like Princess Leia again. The felt tip was almost gone and Stacey covered the rest with concealer. Dave didn’t wear a Jedi outfit, he had a suit on just like me and Stan only bigger. Nan said he looked like Errol Flynn but I didn’t know who that was so I said he looked like Zac Black at the Embassy Ball. Dave said either sounded good to him.
Nan’s getting a new cat from the animal shelter. He’s ginger and called Tammy and isn’t allowed to eat cornflakes. I said I thought she didn’t trade her men in for a new model. She clacked her teeth a bit. Then she said, ‘If they go of their own accord, maybe you just have to accept it.’ So I told her about Mr A M Feinstein being lonely. She said, ‘Is he German?’ I said yes and I thought she was going to say something bad but she didn’t. She said, ‘I’ve always fancied Germany. They have a lot of cake.’
Big Lauren came too. She looked like a mermaid in her dress, even though it was still tight because of the big bones. And because she says she’s medically addicted to Micro Chips, it’s her weakness. I told her she looked amazing. And I told her that I was sorry. And at first she shrugged. But then Leona Lewis came on, and I started dancing really madly to make her laugh. And she did. She said, ‘You’re OK, Billy Grimshaw.’ I said, ‘I’m not Billy Grimshaw.’ She said, ‘Who are you? Zac Black?’ I said, ‘No, I’m still Billy. But I’m Billy Grimshaw-Jones now.’
Mum said I didn’t have to. But I said I didn’t mind if it made her happy, and she said it did. But I said there’s no way I am calling him Dad. He’s Dave. Not mental Dave though. Just Dave.
She said that’s a start.