by Mark McCoy
Man al Dente
Get the relationship cooking
You need to know how to cook. Don’t worry. I’m here for you. I’m not going to write you a cookbook, and you don’t need to be a professional chef. The most important thing is that we understand each other. You need to know how to cook because why in the world should you be dependent on her? And did you ever think about surprising her on a Saturday morning with a brunch that’s straight out of the movies? A man who cooks is sexy. Cooking is courting. It’s not by chance that chefs are the new rock stars. With a bit of help, you can be a culinary master in a moment.
First of all, I want you to have a private pantry. It’s not a big deal. Here’s what you need:
Whole peppercorns, for grinding
Rock salt, preferably Atlantic
Dried chili pepper
Dry mustard
Excellent quality olive oil
Fresh lemons
Fresh garlic
Onions
Fresh tomatoes
Canned tomatoes
Eggplant
Good bread, sliced and frozen
Potatoes
All types of pasta
Raw tahini
Rice
Olives
Capers
Sardines
Soya beans
Nutmeg
Fresh cilantro
Curry
Cumin
Clam sauce
Tabasco sauce
Coconut milk
Balsamic vinegar
Vegetable, beef and fish stock, frozen in small portions
You should always have:
2 bottles of good red wine (keep in the refrigerator and remove an hour before serving)
2 bottles of white wine in the refrigerator
2 bottles of vodka in the freezer
Taken aback? Relax. It’s no big deal.
Two light appetizers
Put some white cheese into a bowl. Add two tablespoons of olive oil, a pinch of salt and some black pepper. Mix well until you have a uniform paste. Take a ripe tomato and squeeze it over the cheese. Sprinkle with a bit of chopped rosemary or parsley. Toast two slices of egg bread until they are brown but not too crisp. Cut each slice into four triangles. Top generously with the cheese mixture. How hard was that?
Or how about this: Take two tomatoes and slice them into one-quarter-inch slices. Arrange the slices on a large white plate. Sprinkle with olive oil, add salt, pepper and a drop of balsamic vinegar. Place a spoon of the cheese dip you prepared on each tomato slice. What’s the problem? Barely two minutes of preparation.
Eggs
How you want your eggs done is a basic question asked at every breakfast. Some tips:
Prepare the eggs at the end, when everything else is ready. I like to serve eggs straight from the frying pan so that they stay warm longer.
If you go for an omelet, add some milk and a drop of baking soda and whisk it all together. It will create a rich and airy texture. You can add anything else that you want to the whisked eggs. This is what’s lovely about cooking – everything goes. I call it freestyling. For example: pieces of sausage, chopped tomatoes, chopped onions, parsley and spices.
For frying, I use olive oil and a drop of butter. A winning combination.
Before you add the eggs to the pan, you can fry all sorts of things, and only after about two or three minutes, add the eggs. First, sliced onions, on top of that, chopped tomatoes, on top of that, slices of prosciutto and at the end, the eggs. Delicious.
If the surface of the frying pan is small, cover the pan with a lid. This will prevent the eggs from burning on the outside while the inside stays raw. I know you’re going to make a face, but put two drops of lemon juice on the omelet. Lemon enhances the taste.
I use organic eggs. They come from chickens that have not received hormones and antibiotics, and the yolk is a rich orange.
When it comes to sunny-side up eggs, many women don’t like the yolk too liquid. Separate the yolk from the white. Place the yolk carefully in the frying pan. Give it a minute and a half to cook, and then pour the egg white around it. Boom.
Her eggs – two eggs in boiling water. Place the eggs in cups, crack the tops. Place a teaspoon of real black caviar on top of each egg. Beside each egg, place a glass of Martini Bianco with crushed ice. That’s all. Now you can tell her that Nicola called this dish “Sucking Eggs.” And that’s what she liked every morning.
Poached eggs – How romantic. In a wide pan with boiling water, and a drop of wine vinegar, carefully crack the egg. The egg won’t mix into the water but cooks on top of it. Carefully remove the poached egg using a slotted spatula. This is also the base for the famed “Eggs Benedict.” I won’t ask you to prepare hollandaise sauce, but do place the egg on a piece of toast topped with mayonnaise mixed with chili, and on top of this, place a slice of smoked salmon, salt, pepper, a drop of lemon juice, and a thin slice of onion. Cream cheese on the side, topped with three capers. Robuchon couldn’t do better.
Pasta
Pasta is for people like us. People who don’t know anything but want the very best. Pasta is for people who believe in freestyle. I’ve won over hundreds of women (okay, maybe not hundreds, maybe five, but the main thing is the feeling) with the help of good noodles. It’s unbelievable. Ten o’clock in the evening, after amazing sex (we’ll get to that), and she indicates that she wants something more. She’s already got everything she could want in bed, so what could she be talking about? Tell her to read something in bed while you come with me to the kitchen.
As I mentioned, you should have some pasta in the pantry at all times. It doesn’t go bad, and will secure you some serious glory.
Don’t be a sucker. Don’t fail because of mediocre pasta. Always buy excellent pasta. Go for the dry pasta (there’s fresh pasta too, but stay away from it) made by a recommended manufacturer, Italian if possible. There are many types of pastas. I prefer two: spaghetti size seven or penne, so that the sauce you prepare soaks into the tubes.
To boil pasta, you need a large, wide pot. A standard package of pasta has about one pound of noodles. I boil about one and a half gallons of mineral water. Add one tablespoon salt and one tablespoon oil to prevent the pasta from sticking.
After the water boils, throw in the pasta. Give it a bit of a push with a fork, so that it all fits in the pot. Play with the noodles a bit to make sure they don’t stick.
Don’t leave the pot and don’t start talking on the phone. Good pasta is pasta that the Italians call “al dente,” which means “to the tooth.” It should be hard and not limp and soggy. Here’s a sign: Take out one noodle, bite it in half, and look at the inside. At the center of the noodle, there should be a tiny white dot, as though it hasn’t been cooked yet. Don’t forget that the warm sauce you’re going to add will give it another thirty seconds of cooking time. Remember that overcooked pasta is lost pasta. On the package, the correct cooking time for the pasta’s width will be displayed, usually five-ten minutes.
Remove the pasta from the water and drain. Don’t rinse. Transfer to a large serving dish, pour the sauce on top and mix well.
You can start preparing the sauce (see below) before the pasta is ready, but not too much in advance.
While preparing the pasta, drink a bit of light red wine as it cooks. Remember the lady waiting for you in bed? Bring her a glass, too.
Call her to the table only after everything is set and ready. Clean the tabletop and spread a tablecloth if you have one. Place the deep pasta dish on a large flat dish and set a spoon and fork on either side. Put a nice amount of pasta on her plate (about one cup) and then top with the sauce that you prepared. Mix lightly in front of her. Top with some freshly crushed black pepper and a couple drops of lemon juice. Grate a bit of fresh Parmesan on top.
Her first bite needs to be amazing. It’s best if she comes to the table with her sexy underwear and a T-shirt, no bra, the T-shirt can be yours or hers, her hair in a messy bun o
n her head. Chauvinist? What did someone just spend an hour cooking for? Anyway, she looks good that way.
Now listen. There’s no point in me writing dozens of recipes here. Buy a book with pasta sauce recipes, there are dozens of them. Take the recipes that include photos. That way you’ll see how it’s supposed to turn out, and be inspired. I’ll tell you just this:
Usually, I start by frying some chopped garlic in olive oil. I add a bit of red chili. That’s how I start. The smell alone gives me a sense of professionalism.
The most important thing is starting with good base for the tomato sauce. You can easily peel the tomatoes if you soak them in boiling water for a minute first. In order to make sure that the peel comes off easily, make two small cuts in the peel.
My raw materials include tomatoes, garlic, chili, zucchini, eggplant, seafood (shrimp, calamari, clams), asparagus, lemons, and of course, fresh basil.
I’ll list for you the names of some recommended dishes that are easy to prepare. Open a book, pour a glass of wine, and take life easy:
Spaghetti with Lemon Sauce
Aglio e Olio: Garlic and Olive Oil with Chili Pepper
Spaghetti with Classic Tomato Sauce and Basil
Spaghetti Frutti di Mare (Shrimp, Calamari, Clams)
Spaghetti Zucchini
Spaghetti with White Asparagus
Arrabbiata – Spicy East Mediterranean Pasta
Spaghetti Beluga
I had an Iranian girlfriend once. There was always caviar. This was our recipe: Heat a skillet over low heat. Melt two tablespoons of fine butter. Add a cup of sweet cream.
Add a quarter of a cup of vodka and a pinch of black pepper. Let it sizzle for a minute or two. Remove it from the heat.
In a pot, boil water for pasta and then add three quarters of a pound of pasta (about three quarters of a package). Remove the pasta from the heat one minute before the instructions on the package. Drain. Put it back in the pot over low heat. Add four tablespoons of caviar (doesn’t need to be Beluga). Stir gently, without damaging the caviar. Divide the pasta evenly between two dishes.
Pour the sauce over top. Sprinkle another tablespoon of caviar on top of each dish. Pour some frozen vodka into two glasses. Bon appetit. Cheers.
Salads and sandwiches
There are some wonderful cookbooks with simple and excellent salads. I like Australia’s Donna Hay and Britain’s Jamie Oliver.
Goose and salmon: Take three pieces of toast and spread a thin layer of goose pâté on each of them. Place a slice of smoked salmon on each, with a thirty percent overlap. On top of this, arrange a few thin slices of fennel. Top with a few green leaves, primarily roquette. Spread some cream cheese on top. Generously top everything with lemon juice, olive oil, sea salt, black pepper and chili. Pour some chilled white wine into two tall glasses. Sit together and play with the dish. Afterwards, play with each other. Why not?
Salmon and champagne: The simplest, easiest, most successful, my favorite for Sunday mornings. On a long white serving dish, arrange half-inch wide slices of smoked salmon. Ground some black pepper on top, drizzle generously with fresh lemon juice. Add a few thin strips of Bermuda onion. Place thin slices of toast along the side. Serve some chilled pink champagne. Success in a moment. A bit expensive but who cares. Start living.
King’s sandwich: Take two slices of good bread (rye, whole wheat, etc.) and rub some peeled garlic all over the slices. Spread a bit of mayonnaise or butter on each slice. Place a slice of ham, two slices of ripe tomato, a small branch of rosemary or basil. On everything, place a slice of fine Brie cheese. Sprinkle with salt and pepper, drizzle with olive oil. Turn the oven to grill, put in the bread, and grill. About three minutes. Serve with a glass of red wine. Wow.
Shrimp Uri
One day, after a hard week, I was stuck in Afghanistan. Tired, dirty, hungry. A friend (to whom America owes a hell of a lot) told me that there was a caravan not far away where we could have a shower and eat like kings. We got in the jeep and started driving. Two and a half hours later, we arrived. It turned out that in this caravan was a guy from Israel of all places, a cook who specialized in seafood. His name was Uri. We opened a bottle of tequila. I told him that I was once in Israel, that I had been a travel agent. Uri told me about his love for the sea and his love for Yael.
I fell asleep, dizzy from the tequila. I woke up an hour later to smells that I didn’t recognize. It was the most comforting meal of my life. I asked him for the recipe. I told him that one day I would write a cookbook and add his dish. He laughed, shaking his long beard, and said that one day, he would write a book and tell about two suspicious Americans that dropped in on him one day from out of nowhere.
Here’s the dish: Fry a juicy lemon, cut into thin slices, in two-thirds a cup of butter. Add a tablespoon of lemon juice, half a teaspoon of turmeric, one tablespoon of thyme and salt. In a large skillet, place two pounds of giant peeled crystal shrimp. Mix and remove. In salted water, cook eight artichoke hearts, peeled and attached to the stem. Make a bowl out of the artichokes and add to the frying pan with the butter and spices. Remove the artichoke bowls, fill with the shrimp mixture (along with all the liquids), sprinkle chopped mint on top and serve.
One of the best dishes that I have ever eaten. If you live in Israel, send my warm regards to Uri. Tell him thanks for the fuel.
No Need
Conversations that start with
“need” are a warning sign
There are stories about couples that are straight out of the movies. For example, he’s a lifeguard and she’s a lawyer. Wonderful. I wouldn’t be surprised if in reality, though, she sues him while he’s out surfing. Of course, if both of you are, say, in hi-tech, the internal codes are the same. When you say, “We have a presentation tomorrow for investors,” she understands exactly why you’re so stressed. But you don’t need to have the same profession, nor do you need to have different professions in the same fields. There are strings that connect everything, even if they are transparent.
Let’s say she’s a screenwriter. He doesn’t have to be a producer or a photographer or a director. But if he’s an accountant that deals with one of the big studios, then he understands the world of talent and great wealth. He understands that everything starts with – sorry for the cliché – a good script, and then they’ll have many common things to talk about.
Common worlds can also be partial. It would be pretty nice if you have a weekly activity that you do together. Maybe wine tasting, maybe a yacht-sailing course, maybe going for a walk twice a week. You have something that belongs only to the two of you. It strengthens the connection. Adds quality time. You talk.
This talking, it’s the most important thing that there is. There are many couples that simply exchange merchandise between themselves. They don’t really talk, they just exchange words. Chores. What needs to be done, what the technician said, when is the parent-teacher meeting, where they’re going for the weekend, what they are buying for Christmas.
Some couples seem to be talking. I call them the reporters:
The wife comes home from shopping, for example. She tells her husband that she met Joanna. Joanna told her that they went to a movie yesterday. After that, she wanted tomatoes but in the vegetable aisle they told her the tomatoes weren’t ripe enough. She wanted to buy bottles of cola but the car was parked too far away and she didn’t want to carry them. She learned that the store started baking bread. The order turned out to be very cheap. Fifty-seven dollars. As she left the mall, a boy on a bicycle slipped on some milk that had spilt and his mother started a fight with the supermarket manager accusing them of negligence. She noticed that the car is running out of gas.
Wonderful. Riveting. A conversation that really contributes to relationships. Couples whose conversations really go like this are couples that don’t really have anything to talk about, and because silence is scary, they simple ramble on to each other every day.
Try this. Out of the one hundred percent of the time y
ou talk to each other, see how much of this talking is about the soul, about meaning. Deliberation, authentic sharing, thoughts about the two of you, about friends, the kids, or your parents, as opposed to the exchange of technical information, arrangements and chores. Check how many of the conversations start with the word “need.” For example, we need to replace the curtains, we need to sign the kids up for classes, we need to pay the housekeeper, as opposed to conversations that start with “I thought that…” or “did you ever think that…” For example, I think that we don’t spend enough time together. Did you ever think of living in another country?
Conversations that begin with “need” are an escape from intimacy. A burden on the soul. They give you the feeling that you are terribly busy, in which case, who has time for philosophy? If most of your spouse’s sentences start with “need,” take it as a warning sign. As much as this may sound exaggerated, to me it sounds like she is self-serving, troubled, emotionally unavailable, and sees you mainly as a sack that will contain all of her negative energy. It’s disheartening to think this way I know, but start understanding that she can contain most of this “need” within herself and only sometimes share it with you.