by Grace White
The hitch in his voice coaxes me to lift my head and when our eyes collide, the pull between us tightens. It’s stronger now. I don’t know if he feels it too but from the—
“I feel it.”
“You really have to stop doing that. It’s weird. It’s bad enough you all knew who I was before I did but now you can hear my thoughts—”
“Sense,” he corrects.
“Hear, sense, feel… take a stab in the dark at. It doesn’t matter how it works, but it does—and that puts me at a disadvantage.”
“It does?” He tilts his head to the side, those stormy eyes of his fixed right on me.
“Yes,” I swallow, barely aware of what my point was. “Because you know all my deepest darkest secrets and I know nothing about you. It’s not fair.”
Ross’ walls slam up and I’m so aware of the change in him, I rear back. “Ross?”
“I should go.” He’s on his feet, running a brisk hand over his head and down his neck. “You need to rest. Rest, Terra.”
“Fine,” I snap hating the way he blows so hot and cold.
Hating the way that even now, I’m still on the periphery to whatever lies between us.
All of us.
He moves to the door leading out onto the balcony but glances back at the last second. “You’re wrong you know?”
I mash my lips together, not trusting myself to speak.
“You say you don’t know what I’m thinking, what I’m feeling… but you’re lying to yourself. It’s pretty obvious exactly where my head’s at.” With that cryptic speech he melts into the night, closing the door behind him.
“You’re late,” Cael is waiting for me when I exit my dorm.
“Bad night,” I grumble. After Ross left me I tried to sleep off my headache but spent the night tossing and turning.
“Ross said—”
“Let me guess. He said I was foolish, and I got what I deserved.” I hitch my bag up my shoulder and walk off with only one place in mind. But Cael is quick and falls into step beside me.
“You know it isn’t like that. He only cares—we all do.”
I shake my head, my freshly washed hair falling around my face, and let out an exasperated breath. “I know, I know. Ugh. I’m so confused and restless. I have all this energy, and questions… I feel like I’m losing my mind.”
My world goes dark as I'm pulled against a solid chest and arms tighten around me.
“Hmm, Cael, what are you doing?” The words come out muffled and I get a mouthful of sweater, but he doesn’t release me. Just stands there, in the middle of the sidewalk, holding me.
And the strangest thing happens. After I finally stop resisting and relax against him, something in me settles. Like a warm blanket cocooning me, my confused exhausting thoughts simmer until they are nothing but background noise.
“Are you doing that?” I whisper. Because I wouldn’t put anything past him, and Ross explained he can affect my thoughts.
“Me?” His voice is a gentle caress I feel all the way down to my toes. “And what is it you think I’m doing?”
“Get a room,” someone yells, and I bury my face further. Cael chuckles, clearly unaffected by our passing audience.
My fists uncurl, flattening against his chest and I finally ease back, staring up at him. “We should go.”
“Should we?” He watches me but then fixes his twinkling blues on my mouth and heat licks my insides.
“Coffee,” I croak. “I need coffee.” Or a Frappuccino. And air conditioning.
Definitely air conditioning.
A slight smirk tugs at his mouth as he reaches for me, tucking a wisp of hair behind my ear. “All better?”
“I knew it was you. Thank you.” I can’t deny that I feel better. Calmer.
“My hugs are said to have excellent healing properties.”
He’s teasing me, but it works, and I find myself smiling back at him. “Come on, you can buy me coffee.”
I start in the direction of Beans again but I’m sure I hear him whisper something as he joins me. It sounds a lot like, 'For you, Terra Materson, I’ll do anything'. And even though it’s ridiculous, I know he’s telling the truth.
After coffee, Cael walks me to class. We haven’t made it halfway across the lawn when a voice calls, “Hey, guys, wait up.” Endo jogs over to us as we make our way toward the Malcolm building. Cael tips his head in greeting and I manage a ‘hello’ over my second coffee. “What’s doing?”
“Terra needed her morning coffee fix and now I’m walking her to class.”
“Morning coffee? I love—” Cael levels him with a hard look and Endo brushes his hair off his face. “So, classes, we’re still doing that?”
“What do you mean?” I glance between the two. It’s weird seeing them out in public together but their bond is obvious.
“Well, now you’re up to speed.” Endo lowers his voice. “I hoped we could drop the ruse and focus on the task at hand.”
“Endo,” Cael warns, and I feel like I’m completely out of the loop.
Again.
They break off in a heated discussion and I slip away. It isn’t until I’m almost at the building, that Cael calls after me, “Terra, wait up.” He’s breathless as he reaches me.
“I have to get to class, Cael,” I exhale an exasperated breath, craning my head around his shoulder.
“Endo had to get to his own class.”
“Oh, so he decided he’s doing that after all?”
“Come on, don’t be like that. This is… new,” he grumbles as if the words are hard to say. “For all of us.”
“I should go. You too. You don’t want to be late.”
“I—” he goes to speak but in a bold move, I press a finger to his lips.
“Go. I’m fine.” And an unconvincing liar if his frown is anything to go by.
A resigned sigh slips past his lips. “We’ll talk later.”
I want to ask if he means the two of us or all of us, but instead, I nod and go inside. Ross is already waiting, his notebook and pens sprawled out on the desk. He kicks my chair out with his boot. “How are you feeling?”
“Better,” I lie for the second time this morning, but if he notices he doesn’t say, letting me get organized for class.
When I’m done, he pushes a note onto my desk. I pluck it and unfold it.
I’m sorry.
Turning, I offer him a weak smile. “You don’t need to apologize, Ross.”
He holds my gaze, his eyes swirling with something I can’t decipher. He’s always so guarded. Completely different to Cael and Endo. Tearing off another sheet of his notebook, his pen moves over the page in quick fluid arcs, and then he’s handing it to me.
What are you doing after class?
“What did you have in mind?” I ask, a rush of excitement dancing in my stomach.
“You’ll see,” is all he says as Professor Klaxon clears his throat.
“Good morning, class. I hope your weekends served you well. Lots of studying and reading, I imagine,” humor plays in his words as he takes to the whiteboard and starts writing. “Today, we are going to explore the problem of consciousness. Armstrong asks how the personal experience of consciousness can be explained by his Materialist theory of mind?”
From the corner of my eye, I see Ross slouch back in his chair, stretching out his long legs until his knee brushes alongside mine, and I shift, trying to concentrate; trying to focus on Klaxon’s voice and not the energy flowing from Ross to me and back again.
“Have many of you have driven somewhere and arrived at your destination with barely any recollection of what route you took, or how many red lights you stopped at?” Hands go up, a murmur of agreement filling the room. “It’s a strong argument for the notion that it is possible for mental processes to take place without consciousness experience.”
Action without awareness. We do it all the time. But it makes me wonder about my situation. About the fact I have the energy or spirit—or wha
tever the hell it is—of an ancient primordial deity living inside me. As my—her—memories return, will I become a vessel? What will happen to the girl I’ve been for the last nineteen years?
Is there room for both of us?
“Terra? What is it? What’s wrong?” Ross is closer now, his shoulder touching mine.
“N- nothing,” I whisper keeping my eyes up front.
“Talk to me,” his voice is low. “I felt it. Your anxiety levels spiked.”
But is it me he feels?
Or is it Gaia?
I’m so confused. The whole thing hurts my head. So I do the only thing I can for the next forty minutes, push all thoughts of Gaia and gods and witches out of my head and focus on the sound of Professor Klaxon’s voice.
By the time he dismisses the class, Ross is wound tight. I can see it in the strain around his jaw, the darkness of his irises. He’s pissed I have my walls up. But I’m pissed too. They knew. From the start, they knew who I was, what I am. And they didn’t tell me. Even Amalia and Harry and the others felt me… felt Gaia’s power inside me.
It’s a bitter pill to swallow.
“Terra, wait up,” Ross says as I duck out of class and hurry down the hall. “Come on, I know something is wrong.”
Tears burn the backs of my eyes and I keep going, not wanting to cause a scene in the middle of the stream of students moving to their next class. “I need to—”
His hand snags my wrist and he pulls me out of the flow of bodies, into the space underneath the stairs to the first floor. Tilting my face to his, his expression pleads with me. “You’re upset.” He catches a rogue tear with his thumb and I sniffle, “I’m fine.”
“Stop doing that. It’s okay to not be fine. It’s okay to fall apart.”
“Is it?” I quip back.
“Come on, let’s go to my dorm. We can talk. Or not talk. Whatever you want.”
I sniffle back the tears threatening to fall and nod. I’d asked for time. For space to deal with the revelations of last week. But I was wrong. I don’t need either of those things. I need answers.
And Ross is going to give them to me.
Inside Ross’s room, I’m immediately drawn to his wall of sketches. For the quiet introvert, there’s just something so raw and vulnerable about seeing his artwork displayed like this. As if he’s putting himself out there, showing what he can’t with words or actions.
I’m aware of him watching me from his bed as I ghost my fingers over my favorite sketches: the oak tree, the couple on the bench, and over a new addition. It’s a beautiful woman wearing a long flowing gown, rich auburn hair cascading over her shoulders and the full curve of her chest. She’s sitting on a throne. I lean closer, inspecting the detail, when it hits me. A bolt of recognition so strong, I stagger back. But Ross is there to catch me.
His arms slip around my waist as he pulls me back against his chest. “I’ve got you,” he whispers, his husky voice sending chills rippling through me as my eyes remain fixed on the woman.
“It’s me. Her, I mean…” I splutter. “It’s her. Gaia.”
“Come on, we should talk.” He guides me to his bed and I drop down, still blinking at the sketch.
“She’s beautiful.” I turn to him
A smile ghosts over his mouth. “You’re beautiful.”
“She’s… a goddess.” I see it now. The way Ross has captured her quiet confidence, her poise; it leaps off the page.
Ross kicks off his boots and shuffles back to rest against his headboard, waiting. When I don’t move, his eyes drop to the space beside him, so I make my way over, slipping off my pumps and lying beside him. He doesn’t speak, giving me time to assimilate my many thoughts. There’s so much running through my head, I don’t know where to start so I blurt out, “What am I?”
“You’re you, Terra.”
“Am I though? I mean, I just found out I have the energy of an ancient goddess inside me. That’s not… normal.”
“I didn’t say you were normal.”
“But what happens now? Will she…” the words lodge in my throat. “Will she take over my body? My mind? Will I disappear?”
“I don’t think it works like that,” he says, his arm touching mine. “When you decided to fall from Elysia you knew the only way to stay on Earth was to be reborn.”
“So I’m Gaia in disguise?”
“Yes… no. I’m not explaining this very well. You’re Terra Materson. You were born Terra. A human child but you have Gaia’s spirit inside you.”
“So are we like one and the same? Can I get rid of her? Exorcise her out of me or something?”
“You’d really want that?” His fingers brush against mine, warmth tingling over my skin.
“No. Maybe. Oh, I don’t know. All I wanted growing up was answers. A reason for my weirdness. But now I have it, I’m not sure I want to know anymore.” Without over-thinking it, I slide my fingers into Ross’. He tenses at first and I hold my breath waiting for him to pull away. But he doesn’t. He’s right here with me, his fingers relaxing into mine.
“Tell me again,” I say, firmer this time. The need to understand everything unfurls in my stomach. “I’m Gaia, the goddess of Earth. Nineteen years ago, I made the decision to fall from Elysia because of some great threat?”
“Yes. For years we have fought to maintain the balance on Earth. Each passing age, we lost ground.” He pauses for a beat, but the silence is filled with something that has dread pooling in my stomach. Even now he’s keeping things from me.
“Ross,” I urge.
“Maybe we should call the others for this. I’m not sure you’re—”
“If you say I’m not ready for this, I will scream. I’m done being kept in the dark. Either tell me or I’ll go find someone who will.” I cast him a sideways glance, but his eyes are screwed shut as he pinches the bridge of his nose.
“The Oracle in Elysia foresaw something.” There’s a quiver to his voice that has my teeth set on edge.
“The Oracle?”
“A great seer. She predicted the rise of darkness on Earth at the turn of the Millenia.”
Nineteen years ago.
When I was born. But I can’t be the darkness, can I?
“Not you, Terra.”
I sigh. I don’t think I’ll ever get used to them knowing what I’m thinking. “Who, then?”
“That’s just it, we don’t know. But the Oracle saw it and she’s not wrong about these things.”
“So I decided to fall?”
“We tried to stop you. Begged you to let us return to Earth to seek out the darkness she foresaw. But you said it was time.”
“What did I mean, it was time?”
He shrugs. “That’s just it, we’re not sure. Maybe the Oracle told you something else. Something you kept from us. But you were strict with your orders and you knew the risk.”
“I can’t remember any of this… I don’t—”
“You won’t, not yet. Gaia is an old as the inception of time, Terra. All those memories, that power, it would overload your human mind. Gaia knew that falling to Earth would mean eighteen years bound to a body and mind who had no access to her memories. Your abilities to feel the world around you, to connect with the elements, nature… it was the parts of Gaia that broke through the mortal boundary. I know it’s a lot to take in.” His fingers tighten around me. “But you are Gaia, Terra. She’s a part of you. And when you come into your full powers, you are going to be unlike anything Earth has seen before.”
He speaks with such conviction, such belief in me. Yet, I struggle to see past the words he keeps to himself. Because if he is right, if what Ross is saying is all true, maybe I will be unlike anything Earth has ever seen before but only because I’m here for a purpose. To fight the threat the Oracle foresaw. Which means there is something out there as powerful as me.
If not more.
And that terrifies me.
“Terra, wait up.” Amalia catches up to me as I make my way into
the student center. “How are you?”
“I’m good.” I flash her my best smile hoping she’ll leave it there. And to my relief she does.
“Well, that’s great because I was hoping you might want to hang out tonight.” She leans in closer. “With the rest of the guys.”
Guys being code for the coven.
“Tonight?” I whisper. “At the old drama building?”
She nods as we join the line for the cafeteria. “There’s this new incantation Violet wants to try, and we need…” Her cheeks flush with shame.
“You need a power source.”
I should be offended they only want me for my power, but I’d be lying if I denied the thrill rushing through me at the thought of practicing magic again with them. Maybe they’ll even let me try something new.
And maybe I’ll get chance to ask Violet how she knows Cael because every time I’ve tried to bring it up, I’ve chickened out at the last second. And since he hasn’t been forthcoming with an explanation either, I figure I’m not going to like whatever I find out.
“She thinks it would help.”
“I’ll be there.”
“You will?” Surprise glitters in her eyes.
“Yeah.”
“Cool.”
We choose our lunch items and wind through the crowd to an empty table. Claire, Mischa, and a couple of other girls from the dorm join us.
“Did you hear Arbuckle got hit hard by Grant?” Claire says around her juice box straw. “Apparently they wrapped the entire common room in Christmas paper. I’m talking chairs, the table, even the vending machine. It must have taken them all night. We need to step up our game.” She smirks.
“The Student Committee posted the leaderboard on the college website. We’re third. Can you believe that? Terra’s milk prank deserved better.”