‘Nothing.’
An airhostess came by with champagne for them.
‘Thanks very much,’ said Jimmy, taking one for each of them.
‘How long is this flight?’ said Aesop.
‘It’s just over an hour, Mr Murray.’
‘Oh right. Thanks.’
The girl moved on to the next row.
‘She recognised us,’ said Aesop.
‘Yeah. Well, she has a list of all her passengers too. So maybe …’
‘Nah. Did you see that look?’
‘She wanted to ride you as well I s’pose, is it?’
‘It’s a cross I have to bear Jimmy. I’m mad for gee and women can sense it.’
‘Oh, okay.’
‘It’s the way God made me.’
‘God made you mad for gee?’
Aesop nodded.
‘Right,’ said Jimmy. ‘I didn’t know that was his department.’
‘Yeah, well it doesn’t matter. I’m retired now anyway.’
Jimmy looked at him.
‘Over Helen?’
Aesop said nothing.
‘Aesop, are you and Helen a full-time thing now or what’s the fuckin’ story?’
‘You wouldn’t understand.’
‘You’re not answering me, Aesop.’
‘Well stop asking then, Jimmy.’
‘Fuck sake.’
*
‘Dónal!’
‘Great to see you lads. Jaysis, Aesop, I think you’re after putting on a bit of weight, are you?’
‘You should see the size of the dinners Norman was making, Dónal. The things that man can do with a spud.’
‘Well it suits you anyway. A bit of colour in the cheeks and everything.’
‘Yeah, well I’ve been taking these morning walks and all y’know? A few miles across the bogs, just to get the heart going.’
‘Jesus, don’t mind him,’ said Jimmy. ‘You have to empty him out of the bed.’
‘Lads, we’ll go and grab a bite for lunch, right? We’re meeting with Senturian at two.’
‘Grand,’ said Jimmy. ‘Do you already know what the story is with them?’
‘Only that they want to talk about the next album. And they’ve got something on the cards for America. They were talking about a support slot for you.’
‘Cool. With who?’
‘Don’t know yet. C’mon.’
The bellhop signalled a taxi just outside the main door and they got in. Dónal told the guy where they wanted to go and then they all sat back and gazed at the sights going past.
‘Do you know what I love about English women?’ said Aesop, when they stopped at a traffic light and a pile of pedestrians started walking in front of the car.
‘What?’ said Dónal.
Jimmy had more sense.
‘I love the way they’re posh and dirty at the same time,’ said Aesop.
‘I’m not with you.’
‘English women can do posh and make it sound dirty. Liz Hurley, now. I could see her spanking the arse off you.’
‘Off me?’
‘Off anyone.’
‘And that’d be brilliant, would it?’
‘Oh Jaysis yeah. Smacking you on the arse and telling you you’re very bold. I’d say she’d be deadly at that.’
‘Based on what?’
‘Are you not listening to me? Her accent.’
‘So you’ve decided that Liz Hurley, a woman you’ve never met, is into smacking people on the arse. And you’re basing this revelation on her accent.’
‘I know women, Dónal.’
‘Jimmy, what’s he on about?’
‘Ah, don’t listen to him, Dónal. It’s not worth it.’
‘Do you know what else I love about English women?’ said Aesop.
Silence.
‘Lads?’
Nothing.
‘Lads? Do you know what else I love about English women?’
‘Christ. What do you love, Aesop?’
‘Knickers. Well, underwear in general. Do you ever notice that English birds have the coolest jocks?’
‘I’ve been married for fourteen years, Aesop,’ said Dónal.
‘Yeah, but you can still look, can’t you?’
‘At their jocks? How, for fuck sake?’
‘Magazines or on the telly or whatever. They have some good gear over here, I’m telling you. I don’t know where they get it. Do you?’
‘Do I know where English women get their underwear?’
‘Yeah.’
‘No I don’t.’
‘That’d be a good business to be in. Bringing English girls’ scanties over to Ireland and selling it.’
‘I’m sure it’s the same stuff at home as here.’
‘Well maybe they just don’t buy it as much. It’s all about marketing, y’know?’
‘Is it? Okay, right. That’s enough, Aesop, please.’
‘Oh, by the way, that reminds me … I’m after having a brilliant idea.’
Dónal was rooting in his briefcase now. Jimmy was still looking out the window.
‘Lads? Lads, me brilliant idea … do you want to hear it? Lads?’
Jimmy looked around.
‘Aesop, if we listen to your idea, will you shut fuckin’ up until we get out of the car?’
‘Yeah.’
‘Okay. What’s your idea?’
‘It’s a band. A trad band, right? But it’s an all-girl band. A female trad supergroup. I betcha a few of them Riverdance babes play instruments and …’
Dónal looked up.
‘An all-girl trad band?’
‘Yeah. I was watching Helen singing the other night, right? And this other young one, Cathleen, was on the whistle and another one was on the guitar, y’see? Dónal … Dónal, do you see?’
‘Yes, Aesop. I don’t know the girls, but what about them?’
‘They were all gorgeous!’
‘Good. Great. And so you rode them all and everyone lived happily ever after …’
‘No, no. I’m just saying, there were these three top birds and they were all playing trad music. No hairy jumpers on them, no moustaches, no beer bellies. We’re talking top-shelf gee, right? You don’t normally get that in trad. So my idea was, right, you get four or five birds that look like the Corrs. Sexy Irish country accents, good singers, good musicians, the whole nine yards, right? But proper trad. Dress them up properly in lovely black dresses, proper make-up, English jocks … and all of a sudden you’ve got a new type of girl band. Like a normal girl band, except trad. Trad needs more sexy birds, lads. The Yanks would lap it up. I’m telling you, it’d be a goldmine.’
Jimmy and Dónal were just looking at each other.
‘Wouldn’t it be deadly?’ said Aesop.
Dónal sighed.
‘I s’pose it might have a market.’
‘Might?! They’d be gagging for it! Can I do it?’
‘What?’ said Dónal.
‘Can I do it? For Sin Bin, like. Can I start auditioning young ones for it? We could have different troupes, y’know? Touring and all, like Riverdance.’
‘I’m not having you use Sin Bin so you can collect yourself stables of pretty young trad musicians to scandalise.’
‘It’d be a good name for the band, though,’ said Jimmy, looking around. Aesop’s Stables.’
Dónal laughed.
‘Yeah. True.’
‘I’m serious lads. Youse are always talking about other bands and all. I’d like to give it a go. Be a manager and all, y’know? And anyway, I’m not scandalising anyone at the moment. Amn’t I not Jimmy?’
‘So you say.’
‘So anyway, Dónal. What do you think?’
‘Aesop, if you’re serious about managing a band, we’ll talk about it again. There’s a lot to learn, y’know?’
‘I can learn stuff.’
‘Well, there’s a lot to know before you can go hand-picking a group of musicians anyway.’
‘But t
his band will be sexy. That’s their thing.’
‘That’s not enough, Aesop.’
‘Ah cop on, Dónal. Do you think The Corrs would be The Corrs if they all looked like the brother?’
‘Look, the restaurant is just there. We’ll talk about it again. There’s a lot of thought needs to go into something like this.’
‘I’ve already given it a lot of thought.’
‘Have you?’
‘Yeah. I’ve already got a name for the band and everything. It’s sexy girl band, but it’s trad sexy girl band. Irish, sexy, trad, girls …’
‘Okay okay, Aesop. So what are you going to call them, then?’
‘B*Jaysis.’
Jimmy started laughing out the window.
‘Fuck sake …’ said Dónal, shaking his head. He got back to the contents of his briefcase.
‘Wotcha think? Lads? B*Jaysis. Lads, what do you think of that? Lads?’
*
The Senturion offices were very sexy.
‘So you like your hotel?’ said Alison, leaning back in a huge leather armchair.
She was the boss. A tall beautiful black woman with some kind of Caribbean accent. They’d met her before in Dublin, but Jimmy and Aesop had both forgotten just how stunning she was.
‘It’s brilliant, thanks,’ said Jimmy.
‘You have us spoilt, Alison,’ said Aesop. ‘You could play Twister on the bed, sure.’
She laughed.
‘Really? You’ll have to make some friends then, Aesop, while you’re here.’
Jimmy immediately gave him a boot under the table. He knew Aesop well enough to know that he was about to say something dirty to her and Dónal had warned them about ten times that she went spare when blokes thought they had a chance at getting the cacks off her.
She went on for another fifteen minutes or so, telling them they were brilliant and how happy everyone was. The singles, the tour, the album … everything was going great. There was even some interest in the US in the whole thing. She was pretty sure that a tour over there would be on the cards as soon as they were done in Europe. Jimmy and Aesop were beaming. A US tour. That would be the absolute mutt’s nuts. Then Alison leaned in again to the table and put on a pair of glasses.
‘I guess we should talk a little business now?’ she said.
‘Why don’t we start on the album contract?’ said Dónal.
‘Sure,’ said Alison. She looked at the guy next to her and he pulled some pages out of a folder. She passed them out. ‘What we have here is a four-album contract to replace the single-album one we’re working to at the moment. As you’ll see, we’ve got some very exciting ideas about where all this will go.’
The lads all looked at the documents for a few minutes. Dónal skimmed through his copy and glanced up at Jimmy. Jimmy was frowning at his. Aesop was still on the first page, bending down to try and read it. He hadn’t gotten used to the controls on his own armchair and it was at its full height. He seemed to be miles above the table.
‘As you know,’ said Alison, ‘we’re extremely excited about you two guys and can see great potential for upcoming projects. This document and your talent will make all of us a lot of money over the next two years.’
‘Two years?’ said Jimmy.
Dónal put a hand on his arm and looked at Alison.
‘Go on …’
Alison pointed to a graph on the overhead projector.
‘Well, as you can see, the next twelve months are going to see some movement in the industry. We’ll be striving to maximise all the leverage we can within that calendar.’
Jimmy swallowed. They’d be striving to maximise their leverage? He was used to hearing this type of nonsensical bollocks when he worked in an office, but he wasn’t expecting to have to listen to it here. And what was that about two years?
‘So, if no one has any questions, we’ll move on to some of the details … eh, yes Aesop?’
Aesop had his hand up.
‘What does “whereon” mean?’
‘Em … well it doesn’t really mean anything. It’s just a word for … em …’
‘Oh. Okay. Can I have a lend of your pen?’
She passed it across and he started crossing out words on his contract.
‘Eh, okay, so moving on … are you … okay Aesop?’
‘Sorry. I’m just … I can’t get this chair to go down. Look at me. I feel like I should be eating a bowl of Liga up here.’
‘There’s a little lever just at the side. You need to push it down. But be careful …’
There was whoosh and then a bang.
‘Ow! Aw … me fuckin’ mouth …’
‘Are you okay Aesop?’
‘Bit me tongue. Aw man, that hurts like a bastard. Look, it’s bleeding … don’t be looking at me like that Jimmy … Oh God … look at that … aw, I … I don’t feel well Alison …’
He was looking at the blood on his finger, the other hand steadying himself on the table.
Alison barked a few instructions and one of the guys next to her went around to Aesop to help him to his feet.
‘Maybe you could show Aesop to the bathroom please Phil?’
Dónal looked at her.
‘And maybe then Phil could introduce him to a few people around the office?’
‘Good idea. Why don’t you do that, Aesop, when you’ve got yourself cleaned up?’
‘Okay. Sorry for all this trouble Alison,’ said Aesop, taking his contract and moving towards the door, leaning on Phil’s arm.
‘It’s no trouble. These chairs can take a bit of getting used to.’
When the door closed behind them, Jimmy turned around to Alison.
‘Sorry about that. Usually he waits until all the chocolate biscuits are gone before he gets bored and starts annoying everyone.’
‘That’s okay Jimmy. Now, where were we?’
‘The album contract,’ said Dónal. He hadn’t been distracted at all by Aesop. He was still frowning and looking down at a particular part of it.
‘Right. Yes. Well, the way we see this working, going forward, is that …’
*
Aesop thoroughly enjoyed himself for the afternoon. Once he was done in the bathroom, Phil led him through the office, stopping at all the girls’ desks and introducing Aesop as the drummer with The Grove. They all knew exactly who he was. Each one stood and smiled at him in turn and he bowed and shook their hands and grinned at them like his whole life was a complete fucking waste of time until about five minutes ago. He concentrated on cramming as many names as would fit into the special mental vault he used for people he wasn’t planning on shagging but wanted to charm anyway. It was usually reserved for mammies and table staff in pubs. But these girls were the ones who’d be working on the album; making calls, sorting out the publicity, making sure the shops were stocked and the CDs properly displayed. They’d be putting out the press releases and contacting journos and setting up interviews and promotions. Never mind all that shite going on in Alison’s office, this was where the real work was done and he wanted to make a good impression.
Phil was a bit of a tit though. He showed Aesop some of the latest reviews.
‘One magazine two weeks ago said you were easily the most exciting new drummer in England, Aesop. What do you think of that?’
‘I wasn’t in England two weeks ago, Phil.’
‘I’m sorry?’
‘I’m from Dublin.’
‘Oh of course, sorry. Maybe it said the UK, not England.’
Aesop nodded at him slowly.
‘Did you get The Muppets on the telly over here, Phil?’
About an hour later he saw Jimmy coming out of the meeting room and going into the lift without a word to anyone. Then Dónal came out and followed him. Aesop frowned and said his goodbyes to the girl he was talking to. Dónal and Jimmy were waiting for him on the street outside.
‘C’mon,’ said Dónal, before Aesop could open his mouth. ‘There’s a pub just down her
e.’
They all started walking down the road.
‘Anyone want to fill me in on what the fuck happened up there?’
‘Wait till we have a pint in front of us, Aesop. That got a bit heated, so it did.’
‘But I thought we were all mates, Alison and us?’
‘We’re business partners, Aesop. Not always the same thing.’
‘Were you having a row?’
‘Discussion. In loud voices.’
‘Yis bleedin’ eejits. See what happens when I leave you alone? You need my unique brand of charm and can-do attitude in these situations.’
‘Yeah. How’s your tongue?’
‘I think a bit came off. Feels funny. Bumpy.’
‘Doesn’t affect your appetite though. What’s that you’re eating?’
‘Yorkie. Do you want one? I have a Turkish Delight too.’
‘I’m grand thanks.’
‘Murray Mint?’
‘Where did you get all that stuff Aesop. Were you robbing their fridge?’
‘There’s a fridge? Bollocks. No, that Phil bloke was annoying me so I had to get rid of him out to the shops a couple of times.’
‘How did he annoy you for God sake?’
‘Ah, he’s a dope. He thinks Ireland is part of the UK.’
‘For the first time, Jimmy looked over.
‘You weren’t exactly the best geography student yourself that Brother Patrick ever had, were you Aesop?’
‘Jesus Jimmy, at least I know where me own country starts and finishes.’
‘Yeah,’ said Jimmy. ‘Dublin.’
‘Ah, not any more Jimmy. Sure I’ve a whole new appreciation for bog-warriors now. I mean, when you get right down to it, most of them are only a decent haircut and a change of jocks away from being like the rest of us.’
‘Very magnanimous of you, Aesop.’
‘Sticks and stones, Jimmy.’
They were outside the pub now and Jimmy pushed open the door and led them inside. At the bar, Dónal called for three pints.
‘Okay then,’ said Aesop, picking up his glass. ‘What’s up? Why did this fella come barrelling out of Alison’s office like a man with the trots?’
‘Right Aesop,’ said Dónal. ‘This is what’s after happening, right? Are you listening?’
‘I am.’
‘Okay. Basically, they want us to sign a four-album deal. For a lot of money.’
‘The bastards.’
‘No, listen. The new album will be out in a couple of weeks, right?’
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