by Nina Walker
Why was I telling him all of this? I needed to get a grip.
“It wasn’t your fault.” He said the same thing so many others before him had said. I studied his face, so earnest. He believed every word. If only I could believe them too.
“I know,” I said. Doesn’t change what I did. I’d learned a long time ago it was easier to agree on this point than to argue. We sat in silence as the sky turned dark.
Mastin stood. “We’d better get back.”
He reached down and pulled me up. His hands were calloused, like he’d grown up working outside. We stood inches apart—the body heat between us suddenly electric. We were still holding hands when he squeezed mine before letting it go. He cleared his throat and took a step back. Looking for a way to break the tension, I grabbed the copy of The Giver from the ground. It must have fallen out of my back pocket. “Can’t forget this,” I mumbled before taking off down the path. He didn’t say anything as he followed extra closely.
I had more important things to worry about than the weird moments between us. Stay focused on the Resistance.
Blue alchemy. Mastin understood and agreed, which I had to admit was kind of amazing. Blue was harder to find at this time of year, but, lucky for me, I had my stone necklace I could use. I quickly retrieved it from my room before heading out to meet the others. I slid it under my shirt.
“Lead the way,” I said. Mastin led us to wherever we were meeting Cole and the others. If I had to guess, I’d say Hank’s cabin again. Lo and behold, after a few minutes, we sauntered up his steps. I double-checked that the necklace was hidden as we entered the living room.
“Thank you for joining us,” Hank said. He didn’t have that usual twinkle in his eye or smile on his lips. His wrinkles were deeper than I’d remembered, and a few extra gray hairs had cropped up on his head. This must be serious. I steeled myself and took the seat next to Cole. I needed him close so I could work this magic inconspicuously.
“Well, there’s no point in beating around the bush,” Cole said. “Mastin told you what King Richard plans to do in America?” I nodded. “Then you understand why we have to act quickly. We need to get in there and take him down, take them all down, while we have the chance.” He was so sure of himself. He was so clueless to the real risk. It was almost comical.
Except nothing about this was funny.
“Why haven’t you tried something earlier? None of this would even matter if you could just deal with the problem with brute force,” Tristan said, getting up from the couch and joining us at the table.
“We did. But we failed.”
I wondered what that meant, but decided not to ask and draw unwanted attention to myself. I felt the stone against my neck and glanced around the room. It was just Mastin, Hank, Tristan, Cole, and myself. No doubt Hank and Tristan would recognize blue alchemy when they saw it. Mastin wasn’t putting up any fights this time. I had to do it.
“And how would you suggest this is going to work?” I asked Cole.
“Some of our best soldiers and our alchemists, along with your people, go in and take over the palace. Take the royals and top people into custody. If they put up a fight, kill them. We can’t allow war just because your king has decided he wants more land.”
“He’s not my king,” I snapped. “And how exactly are you going to take down the hundreds of alchemists and officers who also reside in the palace?”
“We have weapons. We’re smart. We’ll hit them before they hit us, when they least expect it. We need that element of surprise.”
I agreed that an element of surprise would be helpful, but enough time to prepare the people they were sending in was more important. And their alchemists were not ready yet, not even close.
“Give me more time,” I said, making a last ditch effort to sway him without magic.
“There’s no more time. As soon as I give the word, our soldiers will head this way. If all goes according to plan, we’ll leave tomorrow night.”
He stood. As far as he saw it, he was the one in charge here. But he didn’t know whom he was dealing with. We were helping him, not the other way around. And we were the ones with alchemy. Whatever weapons he had at his disposal were nothing compared to magic.
I also stood. I reached out my hand and connected it with his arm. The blue alchemy was resting in my palm, barely the size of a button. Any visible trace was gone the second I connected the magic with him.
“We need more time.”
He blinked several times and took a deep breath. “Okay,” he conceded, “You can have more time. But we have to complete this mission soon.” He appeared to be utterly dazed but sure about his choices. Then, not saying another word, he left the cabin and strode out into the night. Mastin nodded at us, his eyes stressed, before he followed Cole.
The door closed and the room fell into silence.
“I’m just going to pretend I didn’t see that,” Hank said.
“What choice did I have? The guy is crazy. Now we have time to try to figure out how to stop this whole thing from happening.”
“You shouldn’t have done that,” Tristan said. I turned on him, scrutinizing his words. He brushed a lock of dark hair out of his face, his expression angry.
“Are you for real right now?”
“It’s time we stopped playing it safe. This is the chance we’ve been waiting for. If we don’t take Richard down now, when will we?”
“I don’t know. How about when it makes sense and doesn’t put innocent lives in danger?” I couldn’t believe this. Mastin, the anti-alchemist, hard-core military American soldier, saw enough reason to let me do what I just did. But my own best friend, the man who’d been through some of the same horrible things I had, the man who saw what they made me do as a kid, was siding with Cole?
“I’m going to take a little walk and let you two work this out,” Hank mumbled before slipping through the door. Coward!
“You know as well as I do what the guardians are capable of,” I sputtered, looking Tristan up and down. “You know what the king is like. How ruthless the officers are. This plan to somehow catch them off guard is stupid! Stupid, naïve, wishful thinking that will get us all killed.”
Tristan pinched his lips together and glared at me. His high cheekbones and thick brows created an expression of indignation that I’d never seen him point at me before. A lump formed in my throat, and I swallowed it down.
“Cole is on our side,” he challenged. “You’ve always had a hard time with authority.”
“Welcome to the club. It’s not like you’re any different.”
He stalked closer, towering over me. He wasn’t the teenager my kid-self was used to. I had to remind myself he was twenty-five now. And he was all dark. Dark eyes, skin, and hair. Add that with his Asian ancestry and a tall broad build, and he was the type of guy that made reasonable girls turn into bumbling messes. But I wasn’t about to agree with nonsense.
He took a shaky breath, his voice low. “What I mean is, I feel like we can trust him.”
“You’re not an alchemist. That’s easy for you to say.”
“What other choice do we have? Honestly, sometimes—”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I cut him off. “There’s always another choice. We were doing just fine on our own until those two showed up.”
“Are you serious right now?” His eyes flashed. “Have we not been part of the same Resistance? Take a look around you, Sasha. Do you want to live here the rest of your life? Hiding? Is this enough for you?”
I didn’t answer. The silence stretched between us.
“Because it’s not for me,” he finally said.
“It sure beats being a pawn. So what if we don’t live in luxury? I don’t care. We’re free here, Tristan!”
“This isn’t freedom,” he grumbled. He ran his hand over the stubble on his jaw, shaking his head. I was just some idiotic, nineteen-year-old girl he’d babied all these years. He didn’t see me as his equal. “What did you say
?” he asked.
Oops. I must have said some of that out loud! “I’m not a child. I’m not stupid. I’m a grown woman with opinions of my own. Maybe it hasn’t occurred to you, but it could be possible that I have a better grasp on the situation than you do.”
“And using blue alchemy on a West American general is mature?”
Heat flooded my cheeks.
“I’ll have you know,” I said, “it was Mastin’s idea.”
“Great! So you trust Mastin more than you trust me now?” A flash of pain ignited in his ebony eyes.
“It’s not that I trust Mastin more than you,” I snapped. “It’s just that he happens to listen to good ideas.”
He stalked toward me and his body filled every inch of my personal space. “It’s not a good idea to sit on this opportunity. We need to move out as soon as possible. But I guess you and your new boyfriend decided to use magic to get your way.”
“He’s not my boyfriend. Don’t be ridiculous.”
“And you don’t think your good looks have anything to do with him being so nice to you?”
“No. It’s the fact that I’m an amazing alchemist who could teach the boy a thing or two about how to kick New Colony trash.”
He laughed. “Whatever, Frankie, keep telling yourself that.” He slipped in my old name, my real name, and I flinched. It brought back so much history, that name. History he was an intricate part of.
He paused in front of me, only inches away, and stared down at my face. The tension grew thick. “Just for the record, I like you for you, not for what you can do for me. Not for your looks. Not for anything other than for who you are on the inside.” He stepped back. Just as he reached the door, he turned back. “And believe me, I know you’re not a little girl anymore.” His eyes bored into mine, searching for something. He must not have found what he was looking for, because a moment later, he stormed through the door, slamming it behind him.
I unclenched angry fists and fought the tears. I never cried, but I also never fought with Tristan. Sure, I hadn’t seen him in ages, but we’d always been best friends before I left to assume my new identity. I thought we could go back to that. Now what were we?
Hank chose that moment to return. He stopped the second he entered, scratching his head and staring at me. I didn’t want him to see the tears pooling in my eyes. I held up a hand to him. “Not now.” I stormed past him and through the door, ready to get back to my room and end this night. “Be gentle with him,” I heard Hank say, but I didn’t look back.
It was too dark to go for a run, but my body itched for it anyway. It was my salvation, the thing that took the heavy thoughts away and gave me some space. What was going on? It almost felt like Tristan had confessed feelings for me. And there was definitely something going on with Mastin, too. I had to stop whatever was forming before something happened that I’d regret. I didn’t have time or energy for this kind of distraction.
Forget it! I took off running, not caring what consequences would meet me if I fell.
10
Jessa
The heart-pounding exertion of combat training still wasn’t enough to take my mind off Lucas. As I walked back toward my room to shower and change, I wiped the perspiration from my neck with a towel, lost in thought. Every heartbeat hurt, my chest filled with a silent dull ache. Was this heartbreak? It was a physical pain, and I couldn’t take it anymore.
Lucas came around the corner, an expression of relief on his face when he saw me. I froze momentarily, then turned and high-tailed it toward my room.
I didn’t even know if Lucas and I had broken up. A huge part of that was my fault. I was avoiding him for fear of what our next conversation would hold. For the last couple of days, anytime I saw him, I turned the other way. I didn’t see the point anymore. The thoughts kept nagging at me. Why go through all the trouble to be together if, in the end, Lucas marries another girl?
The only solution put me right back to why I was in this palace in the first place. If I could help the Resistance take down the current system, then maybe Lucas and I could have a chance. Maybe.
He caught up to me just as I was about to slip into my room and lock the door.
“Jessa, we need to talk.” He sighed. I turned to face him. His expression was guarded and a knowing sadness reflected in his charcoal eyes.
“Look, I really didn’t want to do this,” I said, beating him to the punch. “Your father will never let us be together. And the more we try to defy him, the harder it’s going to be for us.”
He looked away, shutting his eyes for a moment. This was dangerous, for both of us. He shouldn’t be seen with me.
“Jessa, please just let me explain.”
“There’s nothing to explain. I get it, okay? We can’t be together.” I lowered my voice. “Your father is in control, and there’s nothing we can do about it at the moment. He’s made it crystal clear that you can’t date me.”
“I don’t care what he says.”
I peered around, exasperated. Of course there were people everywhere, stopping by their rooms between classes. They watched us curiously. What did he think he was accomplishing here? He was going to get me into trouble. “You should care,” I whispered. “If you want to keep me safe, if you want me to be initiated so I can do what I came here to do, then you should care what he says.”
“I’ll talk to him. I’ll figure something out. I won’t date those women. They mean nothing to me, Jessa. You’re the one I want.”
I reached my hand behind me, gripping the door handle to my room with a tight fist. “While that may be well and true, it doesn’t change the fact that the king forbade you to date me. You shouldn’t be here right now.”
“So that’s it? You just give up that easily?” He leaned back on his heels, his face reddening. The skin around his eyes tightened as he stared me down, but I had to stick to my gut on this one. It was too risky for us to sneak about at the moment.
“I’m not giving up. You know how I feel about you,” I said. “But what you don’t seem to realize is that your father is the king, which means he’s in control of my future. You heard him just as well as I did. If you don’t stay away from me, then he’s going to remove me from the palace. I can’t let that happen. You of all people should understand why.”
I didn’t have to say anything more; we both knew we were talking about my mission with the Resistance. My parents were somewhere north, in hiding, and more than anything I wanted to be with them. They were counting on me.
We can’t be selfish anymore.
I needed to think about the bigger mission, even if he couldn’t. There was more than just my love life on the line. Lives were at stake. We were on the brink of war. If Lucas couldn’t see the truth, then I would have to do it for him. Even though it ripped my heart in two. Even though it was the last thing I wanted.
“Jessa, just please meet me in our spot. We’ll figure this out, I promise.” He reached out to move a loose strand of hair behind my ear, and I hesitated for an excruciating moment. With a fixed resolve, I opened the door behind me and stepped back.
“I’m not giving up on us forever. Maybe one day the timing will be right for you and me. But I have to do what’s best. I have to give up on us for now. I’m so sorry, Lucas.” It took everything to meet his steel eyes and hold my gaze firm, keeping my love for him bottled inside. His face hardened, and his lips thinned, but he turned and walked away.
I slipped into my room and immediately collapsed on the floor. I allowed myself five minutes to cry. Five minutes, and then I had to be done. Then I’d find Jasmine and tell her why the Resistance couldn’t put me and Lucas together anymore. I needed to move on.
“Another party?” I asked, gaping at the glossy invitation in Jasmine’s hand. After the big to-do they just had for Lucas, I was surprised the royals were throwing another party so soon. This time it was for the alchemists. It had only been two days since the break up, and I wasn’t ready to pretend to have fun. I was too
busy feeling sorry for myself, I hated to admit.
“There are a lot of parties here, in case you didn’t notice,” Jasmine smiled. I had come to train with her in green alchemy, and we were just finishing up. “The alchemists have a gathering of this nature every few weeks.” We collected the remaining pots and carried them back to the greenhouse as I listened. “It’s part of the perks of living in the palace. Train hard. Play hard.” Then she whispered conspiratorially, “Live in luxury and don’t notice all the things we have to go without.”
Like our families.
“I guess, but I don’t want to go.” I frowned.
“Unfortunately, this one is mandatory,” Jasmine said. She’d understood my reasoning for ending things with Lucas. Once I’d explained Lucas was to be engaged soon and Richard had threatened to send me away if we spent more time together, she’d reluctantly agreed it was best to hold off on the romance. She talked about it like it wasn’t real, like it was just part of the mission. But it was real for me, and I ached every day without him.
“Why is it mandatory?”
“I guess we’ll have to go to find out.” She smiled her usual warm smile, but I caught a glimpse of worry. “Go and get ready. I’ll see you soon.”
I mumbled my frustrations all the way back to my room.
After a long shower, I let my hair dry in its natural curls loose down my back. I took extra care with my makeup and even used the dark eyeliner and mascara I normally skipped. My reasoning was probably flawed and idiotic, but I figured if I had a bunch of black around my eyes it would incentivize me not to cry and ruin it. I fished around in the grooming kit that came standard in women’s dorm rooms until I found crimson lipstick. I matched it to a form-fitting dress of the same color and donned black heels.
I was dressed to kill.
I’d dressed the exact opposite of how I felt on purpose. If Lucas was there tonight I didn’t want him to know I was moping about, feeling sorry for myself. I couldn’t risk him trying to fix things for us. As much as I wanted to be with him, I knew I had to be the smarter one in the relationship and focus on more important things.