A few of her classmates glance our way and I suspect it’s because I’m here. Why wouldn’t they be nosy about a guy they don’t know being at their prom? I do notice that her ex keeps glancing over at us. His loss. She’s all mine. I may touch her more since he’s watching, but I have to be careful since there are chaperones around.
When her friends leave the table for more dancing, I lean in. “Having fun?”
She nods, resting her forehead against mine. “Yes. I’m glad you’re here. It’s been too long.”
“I know. I’m sorry.”
“It’s not your fault.” She glances away and adds, “I think the line for pictures has died down. Are you going to get some made with me?”
“It’s your prom. I’m here for whatever you want.”
The grin she gives me is so not appropriate for our surroundings. “I’ll keep that in mind.” Sydney stands and we’re off to take pictures.
My energy depletes more and more every half hour, but Sydney seems to be having a blast. We dance. She talks to her friends. Eventually, I sit down while Sydney goes to the restroom. If she isn’t quick about it, I’ll doze off before she makes it back. I’m fucking exhausted. My eyelids droop because they’re so heavy, but I keep my gaze locked on the bathroom doors.
Her ex makes his way over there and I stand. He is not about to ruin her night for the second time. Sydney walks out of the bathroom and stops short when she sees the jackass. He starts talking to her and I walk faster.
“Who is that guy you came with?” I hear him ask.
“None of your business,” she answers.
“Let’s go, Sydney.”
She looks relieved to see me. “Already?”
“Two days no sleep,” I remind her. “Twenty-one hours in the car to see you and do you really want to spend all of the time I manage to be awake here?” We’ve been here for like three hours already.
“Good point.” Facing her ex, she says, “See ya.”
We leave the loud music and her confused ex behind. It takes us ten minutes to get to the hotel room. I sit on the bed and rub my eyes. Sydney steps between my legs.
“Sorry. I forgot that you must be exhausted. Let’s just go to sleep.”
Sleep is all I can think about. Sydney unknots my tie and pulls it loose. I watch her push my jacket off. Next, she unbuttons my shirt and slides it off my shoulders. My skin warms as she trails her fingers over my chest. The more she touches me, the less sleepy I am. My shoes and socks are next to be removed. Finally, she grabs my hands and makes me stand. When her hands grab my belt, I kiss her.
There’s no stopping us now.
Our hands move frantically to shed our clothes. Sydney pushes me back onto the bed, straddling my hips, and it’s a race to get inside of her and feel good. God, I’ve missed her. I need her so much. The first time is quick and over too soon.
“You should sleep,” Sydney says, still breathing heavy.
I shake my head as I move over her body again. “I need more of you. You’re more important.” I push inside her. This time, we’re taking our sweet time. Who knows when I’ll see her again. We need to cherish what we’re doing because it’s not just sex.
The thought makes me pause.
Holy fucking shit.
I love her.
Dipping my head to kiss her neck, I focus on what we’re doing because I’m not ready to face that yet.
Later, we’re beat and I’m hugging her to me. Sleep should be my priority, but my eyelids are my enemy right now. They keep falling.
“Have you decided on a major?” I ask.
“English.”
“I should’ve known,” I chuckle.
“I’m thinking I could be a teacher.”
“You’ll be good at that. Still want to move to Raleigh or Charlotte?”
“Anywhere but here, yes.” Which could translate into where I live. “Go to sleep, Ian. We talk when we aren’t together. We don’t need to talk when we are, especially when you need the sleep.”
“I want to talk to you, though. And I don’t want you to think I’m here for sex.”
“I don’t. We’ll talk over breakfast. Sleep.” She kisses me soundly on the lips and lies back down.
It takes me a bit because I’m thinking about my revelation. I’m not where I can commit to Sydney yet. I need to be more settled before I can do that. Let’s just hope Sydney hasn’t fallen in love with me. What a fucked up thing to wish for, especially when it’s the only thing I want. I need this to be on my timeline, so I hope she can wait.
I lie in bed, reliving prom. That was the last bit of normalcy between Ian and me. Not to mention that it was simply wonderful. But yeah. Something hasn’t been quite right with Ian since he came to visit me. We still talk, but not every single day. Now, it’s every other day. It’s like he’s putting distance between us. It’s worrying me. Everything seemed perfect. I don’t have a single clue what could’ve gone wrong.
My phone dings and I pick it up from where it’s lying next to me on the bed.
Ian: I’ll be there this weekend. Coming in Friday and leaving Monday. Wish I could stay longer, but that’s all I can afford.
Graduation is this weekend. I told him I had a ticket saved for him, if he wanted to come. Honestly, I didn’t think he would since things have been a little weird between us. I’m glad because I’m hoping that by seeing him, it will relieve the tension between us.
Me: Can’t wait! Thanks!
I have to admit. Him coming to prom and now to my graduation makes me feel a little guilty that I didn’t at least go to his graduation. But considering my mom didn’t know about him until a few months ago, I couldn’t go. He didn’t ask me to come either. Maybe he didn’t want me there.
I’m starting to think that despite him saying we’re always going to be close, we’re growing apart. That’s been my main fear since he started college. What if he has a girlfriend he’s crazy about? He hasn’t mentioned anyone and he always tells me, so maybe that’s not it. It could be nothing in particular. He could’ve realized that we were dumb teenagers and it’s time to move our separate ways.
The problem is I love him. Crazy, head over heels, dying to be with him, duct tape my mouth so I don’t blurt it out at every turn, in love with him. It seems inevitable that I’ve reached this point. However, I’m terrified. Especially because Ian doesn’t text me anymore for the rest of the week. It’s weird. It’s not right. Fear of losing him leads me to make a decision. I’ll tell him I love him. That has to bring us closer.
If he loves me back, that is.
If not? Well, I’m fucked.
“Where are you going?” Mom asks me. She’s popped into my room to find me packing a bag of clothes.
“Ian is coming for my graduation and I’m staying at the hotel with him.”
I can feel her glare into my back. She was pissed when I came home the morning after prom. She didn’t know which should piss her off more. The fact that I didn’t come home or that I spent time with a guy she knew nothing about. I had to fill her in about Ian and for the first time in years, she called my father to see if I was telling the truth about him. She was even more pissed when she then found out I spent most of the week I was up there for Christmas with Ian instead of Dad.
Mom is not a fan of Ian Rhett.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
“Well, I’m going anyway. He’s coming all this way, Mom. Why would I not spend as much time as I can with him?”
“You’re too young to be wrapped up in a guy like this, especially when it’s long distance.”
“We’re not in a relationship,” I immediately say. “We’re best friends is all.”
“So you haven’t kissed him? You haven’t slept with him?” My cheeks burn and she says, “That’s what I thought. It’s even worse that you aren’t in a relationship with him.”
“Mom, stop.”
“I don’t want you to get hurt.”
“Ian wouldn’
t hurt me.” The words come too quickly.
Mom leaves me to finish packing and I wait for Ian to text me of his arrival. I’ve been feeling weird all week and I’m starting to feel sick, but it’s probably because I’m nervous. When Ian texts me, I leave the house without saying goodbye to anyone. No one is a fan of Ian, so I avoid their looks conveying that I’m an idiot.
I find Ian’s hotel room and knock. The door swings open. He grabs my wrist and yanks me into the room. He looks as handsome as always. That beard is still on his face. I don’t know what he would even look like without it now. Ian immediately has me pressed against the door and is kissing me. This is how I know things will be okay. His kiss is urgent and hungry like he needs me right this very second because he’s been starving for me. That has to be a good sign.
Soon, we’re in the bed and in the midst of things. Ian’s green eyes are wide open as his hips move slowly. There’s so much emotion there. The sensations are overwhelming. He brings us to our climaxes and kisses me softly, slowly, taking his time.
Before I can help myself, I whisper, “I love you.”
Ian tenses. Shit. That’s not the response I was hoping for! He pulls out of me, squeezing his eyes closed like it’s painful.
“Babe.” That’s it. That’s all he says.
My heart beats faster in preparation for the bad news as he rolls off of me and I cover myself with the sheets. I keep waiting for him to say more, but he doesn’t. His eyes are closed. Every so often, he shakes his head.
“That’s it?” I whisper. “That’s all you’re going to say?”
He opens his eyes and turns his head toward me. “You can’t.”
“What? Why not?”
Ian sighs. It’s tempting to punch him because it’s one of those sighs like geez, do I really have to explain this? “It’s pointless right now, Sydney, and we’re just friends. We couldn’t have a relationship even if I wanted one.” He stops to let that sink in. The fact that we’re pointless. That we’re “just friends.” That he doesn’t want a relationship with me. It all hurts so much.
“You don’t love me back?” God, I need to puke. I swallow down the bile rising in my throat.
“We’re friends. That’s all.”
“Then why are we having sex if it’s not even a little more than that?” All he does is shrug. Shrug! I sit up and slap his arm. “You’re a fucking asshole, Ian! We aren’t just friends. I don’t know if we’ve ever been just friends.”
“Well, we are!” He sits up as well. “That’s it, Sydney.”
“Bull. Shit. Twice now you’ve driven twenty-one hours straight to see me. No one does that for just anyone!”
“You’re right. I did that for my best friend.”
I huff and look away from him. This is a disaster. How can he think we’re only friends? How can he be so cold toward me right now? This doesn’t make sense. “Why don’t you want more?”
“Because I don’t. I don’t want a commitment. You’re the type of girl who deserves the whole nine yards and I don’t want any of that with you.” He’s killing me. I don’t know how I’m still breathing. It’s not that he doesn’t want a relationship in general. He doesn’t want that with me. Ian is quiet for a moment. “Fuck, Sydney. I have a girlfriend.”
My body locks up. “Since when?”
“Since right before prom,” he replies quietly.
“And you still slept with me? You’re cheating on her with me!” I shout. His jaw drops, his eyes widening, as if it just now occurred to him.
“Shit. I just...when I come to see you, she never crosses my mind, so I didn’t even think that I shouldn’t.”
“Well, you shouldn’t have! I can’t believe you! Are you sleeping with her, too?”
Ian glances down at his lap. That’s all the confirmation I need.
This time, I have no choice but to run for the bathroom and throw up. It’s one thing to date other people, but at no point should he be sleeping with us both.
“Babe,” he says softly.
“Don’t call me that!” I push his hands away, not wanting his help to hold my hair out of the way. Another round of vomit comes. I wipe my mouth with the back of my hand and face him afterward. “You don’t love me? Not even a little?” I hate that my voice cracks. I hate that I’m still hoping this train wreck can somehow be salvaged.
“No,” he answers with such simplicity I want to slap him.
The tears won’t be withheld anymore as my heart hardens. “Fine.” I shove his arm as I move past him. He doesn’t say anything at all as I get dressed and grab my bag. I don’t know what bothers me more. The fact that he slept me while having a girlfriend or the fact that he had no problem at all telling me he doesn’t love me.
As I open the door to leave, he says, “Maybe we shouldn’t sleep together anymore.”
“You think?” I snap. “You’re a fucking idiot if you think I’m ever going to sleep with you again, especially if you have a girlfriend. That’s wrong, Ian.”
“I know.” At least he sounds ashamed of himself.
“Does she know about me at all?”
He shakes his head.
“Then what do you tell her?”
“That I’m visiting family.” He swallows hard and meets my gaze. “I’m sorry, Sydney.”
“Yeah, me too.” With that, I leave. I can’t leave the parking lot because I break down crying in my car. This is not how it was supposed to happen. We probably shouldn’t talk at all anymore if he has a girlfriend. How pathetic is that? I still want to be friends with him. Realistically, I don’t think I can do it. Not for a long time at least. If he had shut me down easy, we could have moved on like it never happened.
Instead, he destroyed me and let me in on the fact that he cheated with me.
Eventually, I make it back to the house. Logan seems to be the only one home.
“Where is everyone else?”
“They all went to grab dinner. What are you doing here? What happened?” He wipes a few stray tears from my cheeks.
“It’s over.”
Logan wraps his arms around me and I lean into him. “What are you talking about?”
“It’s over,” I repeat. How can I get any clearer than that?
“For good?”
“Maybe.” How pathetic am I that I’m still holding onto hope?
“Aw, Syd. I’m sorry.”
Somehow, I don’t think he really means it. I cry on his shoulder for a while, but when I hear doors shutting outside, I go upstairs to my room. I stay in bed for the rest of the night. What does it mean that he never thought about her while he was with me? Does that mean anything? It’s still wrong, so I shouldn’t get my hopes up over it. Ian keeps saying he doesn’t want me. Why would he start lying to me now? He must have meant it.
The next morning, I head to the hotel first thing. I don’t want to end on a bad note even though we’re ending. I knock on his door for five minutes and there’s no answer. Surely, he’s not going to ignore me. Oh god. What if he’s already left? He wouldn’t, would he?
“Excuse me,” I say to the receptionist. “Can you tell me if the person in room 205 checked out this morning?”
She does a quick check. “He actually checked out last night.”
“Thanks.”
Damn it. There’s no time to cry. I have a stupid graduation to get ready for.
Two months pass. I’m a horrible human being because all I’ve wanted to do is text Ian and say that I don’t care what kind of person it makes me, I’ll have him any way he wants me. I haven’t done that, but it’s bad that I want to. I miss him so much. We haven’t talked at all. Not one text. It’s good since he has a girlfriend and since I’m in love with someone who apparently doesn’t love me at all, but we were friends, too.
If we were to talk again, I’d have to keep my distance. Friends only is exactly what we would be. My heart still feels like it’s burning from the pain. My stomach rolls. Ugh. I rush to the bathroom for the billiont
h time to throw up. I’ve been sick for what feels like forever. Sometimes, I feel decent, and then others, I don’t. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. At least I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow. I can’t keep going on like this.
“Still feeling bad?” Carey asks as she comes into my room.
“Yeah. Between the puking and the exhaustion, I’m hardly enjoying my summer.”
She sits on the edge of my bed. “Is there any chance you could be pregnant?”
I momentarily freeze as I crawl into bed. “What? No.” I slide under the covers. “I mean, my last period was...” My voice trails off. “The last time I had sex was...” Shit. Ian and I didn’t use protection last time we were together. I haven’t had a period since then either. Oh my god. This can’t be happening. “Will you go with me to the store?” I can’t wait until tomorrow to ask the doctor about it.
“Yeah,” she says softly. I get dressed and we leave the house to drive a few towns over. I don’t want to chance anyone seeing me. On the drive there, Carey asks, “What if you are?”
“I don’t know.” I’m supposed to start college in the fall. Ian doesn’t live here; we aren’t even talking right now! What are we going to do if I’m pregnant? How could we be so stupid? How did we not think about it? Why did I never think to get on birth control? All of these questions are possibly coming way too late.
I buy a pregnancy test and go into the store’s bathroom to take it. An agonizing few minutes pass. I nearly faint when I see the results.
“We aren’t talking,” I whisper. “He doesn’t want to be with me, Carey. Why would he want anything to do with this baby? How am I supposed to tell him? I don’t have his number anymore.” Having his number in my phone was too tempting. Logan is the one who deleted his number and our thread of texts. I have no way of contacting him.
“You can’t find him online?”
“He’s not on it.”
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