“I don’t know. I love Aleksi, and I’m growing closer to Niki.”
“You keep vacillating between Niki and Nikolai. Do you see him as having two sides? Or do you think it’s because you’re not sure how close you want to be to him?”
“I don’t know… I think I might be afraid of getting too close to him. He has secrets, dangerous secrets. I… can’t say any more than that. But those secrets are probably part of why I’m so hesitant to commit to him completely…maybe.” I sighed and ran my fingers back through my hair. She offered me a smile like she always did when she thought I was being foolish—but she said nothing about it.
“Have you asked him about these secrets?”
“No…I probably should though, shouldn’t I?”
“Wait to make your decision about him until after you have all of the information. You’re an academic. That sort of empirical approach should appeal to you. Now, let’s talk about your powers. When you were in Europe did you keep up on your practice?”
That night, Nikolai and I ended our day like we had everyone since he woke up. We sat on the bed together as he brushed my hair with long luxurious strokes of the paddle brush. I practically purred in delight with every stroke. When he finished we just lay there. I rested in his arms listening to his soft breathing and the soft cadence of his heart. Admittedly, I loved the nightly ritual. It made me feel close to him and it gave the illusion of safety that I never really felt with Aleksi.
He placed lazy soft kisses on my forehead as he wrapped his arms tighter around me. That resonance we shared just made moments like these even more delicious.
“Tristan called me while you were at the therapist. He said I could start dancing with the company Monday and that I’d be on stage in three weeks,” Nikolai grinned as he leaned over and kissed my cheek. There were no words for the pure joy in his voice. “Have you ever been on stage?”
“Once, years ago.” I leaned my head to the side and kissed his chest. My lips caressed inches from the raised remnants of that Sun Cross tattoo. “Niki…” I fell into silence as my finger traced that slightly raised inked flesh in the middle of the dragon. “I can’t pretend I don—” He silenced me with rough kiss. After a few moments he broke the kiss with a breathless pant.
“I was thinking tonight we could use the cuffs.” He practically growled with delight as he expertly used his hips to flip me on my back beneath him. He hungrily nibbled along my neck, the soft teasing pressure made my body react. My back arched in delight as my brain fogged over. I couldn’t stop the moan that his lips coaxed from mine. He was a fast learner. He knew exactly where to kiss, and exactly where to nip and bite to melt my brain into mush. He’s doing this on purpose. How can you let him get away with this? You need to know. He might be working for those Sun Cross people. Miss Manners’ worried interjections sobered me enough to slide my hand around his throat. I slowly pushed against him and he raised from me, that playful pout of his swollen from the love bites he left along my neck.
“Niki, if you’re going to keep this from me… I-I don’t think we can… do…this.” My voice came out shaky and unsure. This wasn’t the assertive declaration I wanted it to be.
“Autumn, my most beautiful Darling.” He purred and I was hit by a compressed flash back of every time Aleksi had said almost the exact same thing to me. Make an excuse and leave. My hand moved from his throat to his shoulders.
“Niki, are you a member of the Order of the Sun Cross?” There it was. My voice was sure and steady, but there was something else. Niki moved from over me and suddenly those almost silver blue eyes couldn’t meet mine. He sat back on the bed and his hand slid to the middle of his chest covering the tattoo.
“Autumn—” He took a breath to say more and I stopped him.
“Nikolai.” I narrowed my eyes and pulled my bright red robe tighter around me.
“My past is m—”
“I’m going to call a car. If you don’t want to tell me, fine. But I don’t have to be he—” He cut me off and grabbed my wrist as I moved to stand. It wasn’t the same immobilizing strength I was used to from Aleksi but there was a certain desperation to it.
“I’ll tell you… I’ll tell you everything.” His words were bitter and angry. Angry Nikolai was very similar to angry Aleksi. He released my wrist and stood.
We walked into the kitchen together and he opened a bottle of my favorite wine and poured us each a glass. I could see the tension in his muscles growing with each passing second, and I could almost feel the worry wafting off of him. The only sound in my apartment came from the soft hum of the refrigerator and the wail of sirens zipping around the city. I sipped the wine hesitantly as I watched him roll his lips together. It was clear he was trying to figure out how to break horrible news to me. The answer was probably yes. So did he really care about me? Was this all some sort of sick game to get close to Vlad and Aleksi, with me as the pawn?
He guzzled his glass and then filled it again. He had to have some sort of feelings for me. There was no other reason for him to drink that much wine that fast. You won’t be able to trust him after this. I chewed on my bottom lip as my own doubts gnawed on me.
“I wish I could give you a yes or no answer, but it’s not that simple. When Galina decided she wanted to go back to Russia, she told me she wanted me to go with her and I said no. I was happy dancing, I had recently reached the top of my career and I was content with my life. I didn’t have any prospects in Russia at the time. I was only a Soloist for a year before I was promoted and I had only been Principal for a handful of months at the time. There was nothing for me in Russia but vague memories of being stuffed in a tiny one room apartment with three other boys and being beaten when I didn’t practice.” He poured himself another glass and dropped the bottle into the trash. I suddenly wished I hadn’t asked the question. I knew about his rapid plummet from the top. I wasn’t sure I wanted to hear the details.
He continued. “She made it clear that if I didn’t go with her it was over. I tried to explain to her that I couldn’t go. I had this incredible line up of roles for the season. I begged for her to take pity on me and understand. I pleaded for her to not leave but she had made up her mind. I was just a thing to her. Something to play with when she was bored—a toy. But I was addicted to her and how—and what—she made me feel. She and her games were all I knew sexually. She didn’t even let me discover who I was. She told me who I was. It was freeing but at the same time when she left it made it that much more devastating.
“At first I was in shock. I went to class and rehearsals the first week, and when I got home I called and texted her with no answer for four or five hours. I did it every day for a week, and then the number I had for her was disconnected and I fell to pieces. I was despondent for a month after that. The depression was crippling. I’d come in after rehearsals and sleep for twelve hours. Then all that sadness festered into hatred and self-destruction. I got my first tattoo while drunk off of my ass and stoned out of my mind on coke—within an hour after dancing my debut as Romeo. Beside me, in the other chair was this huge guy with a bald head getting a massive elaborate sun cross on his bicep. He glanced at me and started talking shit about vampires, and I was in the right kind of mood that it all made sense. I let out all of my malice and hatred, and he just ate up every word I said and validated my anger. But it didn’t matter because Galina came back and all that anger and rage was forgotten. Then she left again… more silence, the anger returned. She did this… four or five times to me. And the last time… I saw that guy at the tattoo parlor again. Vasile. And before I knew it I had a sun cross of my own on my chest. Within six months I went from being a vampire’s boy-toy to beating up vampire’s servants while high off my ass.”
“So you are—“
“I’m not finished… you have to understand everything. I didn’t realize how bad things had gotten until one day at a meeting they brought in someone who I knew. He had a bag over his head. But the moment they pulled it of
f his eyes fell on mine and we just stared at each other. He was the servant of one of Galina’s fledglings. Someone I had seen in the arms of their lover. Someone I had joked with. Someone who I had on occasion hung out with. And I watched as they castrated him, and cut his head off. After that I avoided them as best as I could, but I couldn’t find joy in anything. Then there were more drugs, more tattoos, scars… self-harm. Just a myriad of things that read downward-spiral. I quit ballet, or rather I quit the Royal Ballet and left the country. I had… maybe three hundred pounds to my name. I used seventy-five of it to cover up the sun cross and most of the rest to get a train ticket to Moscow. I was homeless for…three months before I found her, or rather she found me. She got me my position with the Bolshoi, my apartment… and she added the structure to my life that I needed. But in the process she also discovered the effect that her leaving me had. And every time I displeased her she’d completely withdraw from my life as punishment. During one of these times, they found me again—the Sun Cross. I thought it was just a British thing until then. They wanted me to spy on Galina. I agreed, because literally having a gun to your head tends to make you very cooperative. You cannot leave the Sun Cross, Autumn. You can try, but they’ll just find you and kill you.”
“So you are working for them?” I narrowed my eyes.
“Not really…”
“That’s not an answer, Nikolai. You gave me a sob story that in the end seems a lot like you are still working for them. Which is just… you’re not only about to become a vampire in a few months, but you are the child of two vampires. And… I’m… I’m like the guy you watched murdered. I’m the servant of a vampire. A vampire who happens to be your father. Would you just watch as they murdered me too?”
“Of course not!”
“And the bomb in your apartment? Did you know?”
“Autumn—”
“Did you know? It’s a simple question.” He didn’t answer me, he stared down at the counter top. He knew. “I’m…” I trailed off. What would happen if I ratted him out? Would they kill him? Hopefully before he does something that ends with Aleksi dead. Did I want his blood on my hands? “I…” I walked over to the sink and dumped my glass. “I can’t deal with this right now.” I sighed and walked back into the bedroom. He followed me with slow hesitant footsteps.
“If I told you to stay?” He asked as he leaned in the doorway watching as I pulled on a pair of denim leggings, sports bra and turtleneck.
“I’d remind you that you can’t hold me if I don’t want to be held.” I answered running my fingers back through my hair. I needed to be comforted. I needed a hug but I didn’t want to be hugged by someone who still worked for the people who tried to blow me up not once but twice. Maybe he didn’t know? Does that really change anything? I snatched my cellphone off of the charger and turned to step passed him.
“Autumn, please don’t go.” He whispered as he blocked my path. I glared at him and he stepped out of my way.
“I’ll be at Crimson Hill until your apartment is ready, or I can stomach being around you. Whichever comes first.” I added as I dialed the number for the car service. He stared at me mute as I ordered the car. It was like he was afraid to move. I could almost see the heartbreak on his face. “They tried to kill me not once but twice, Nikolai. Twice. I’m not breaking up with you… I just need to be alone.”
“But you’re not going to be alone. You’re going to be with him!” The accusation hung in the air for a while. The tension was broken by my phone beeping with a text message that let me know the car was there.
“Yes.” That simple, one syllable admission that I had other options—even if that other option was still unconscious—hurt him. A frown slipped over his lips, tugging the corners of his mouth down.
“Autumn, please. I made a stupid mistake years ago, don’t let that ruin our happiness.”
“Years ago? If it was years ago why couldn’t you just say no, Niki?” I passed my fingers through my hair and sighed. He saw an opening and he took it wrapping his arms around me, pulling me close, intoxicating me with his scent and that resonance we had.
“You’re all I have.” He confessed pressing his face to my neck as his arms held me captive. “I would never knowingly put you at risk.” The frankness of his tone put a lot of my fears to rest, but there was still a thread of doubt that lingered. That doubt would always be there now, like that remnant of a tattoo on his chest.
“That’s not true. You have Colette and Aleksi, and Elizabeta…Vlad.” I forced a weak smile and stroked his hair. “There are a lot of people who care about you.” I pulled out my phone and cancelled the car with a reply to the text message. “We’ll keep this to ourselves, just…promise me you’re done with them.”
“I promise. Cross my heart.” He murmured into my neck.
Regardless of what he said, after that trust became an issue. There was a new thread of fear whenever he tied me up now. Would he stop when I said stop? Would one of these days the blindfold get pulled down to reveal I had allowed myself to be gift wrapped and given to the Order of the Sun Cross? Probably. A week passed quickly, and he started dancing again. Most of his time was spent at the theatre across the street, he was more serious about his craft than anyone I knew. He practiced his variations until eight or nine. He’d then come home make dinner for us and pass out. Then he’d wake at six in the morning make breakfast, go for a run and leave back to the theatre by seven thirty. Our sex life died abruptly with the acquisition of dance back into his life.
After a few days of the limited exposure between us I called Garrett and demanded he meet me for lunch. He acquiesced in good humor as he always did. He even went so far as to meet me at my apartment and not the diner between classes and rehearsal.
I opened my door to reveal Garrett looking like he always did more or less, but his blonde locks were a little longer than normal, his hair no longer super short. He had very touchable hair, and part of me wanted to touch it when I saw him standing in my doorway. But I didn’t. You won’t be happy until you have a string of lovers will you?
“Autumn.” My name passed his lips with a sparkling smile as those verdant eyes of his twinkled with delight. He knows you want to touch him.
“Garrett.” I stepped to the side, allowing him to enter. “It’s good to see you.”
“You know me, Angel Face. I could never turn you down.” His words made me blush as I closed the door, and part of me wasn’t sure this was the best of ideas.
“I wanted to ask you about Nikolai…”
“I figured. When I met him a few years ago I knew if you two ever met you’d be together. You’re both very similar… though his slight shyness isn’t quite there anymore. And holy fuck those tattoos.” He laughed a bit and shook his head. “Well what about Nikolai?”
“He’s barely been home lately. He’s awake at six, out of the door by seven-thirty, home by eight and in bed by ten. Is that… normal?” I pursed my lips.
“For some dancers.” He nodded out. “You surround yourself with some serious slackers, Chickadee.” He chuckled and leaned against the breakfast bar. “Nikolai has that famed Bolshoi work ethic. He didn’t when I knew him in London but that was a few years ago, he was a kid still. But it’s been… three years since then. Something like that.” He shrugged. “Worry if he still does this a month from now. Right now, he’s dancing for the first time in a while and after an injury. He’s probably just getting his strength back up. And if you’re really concerned… grab those Pointe shoes and take that sweet ass of yours across the street.” I couldn’t stop the laughter that bubbled up from my lips if I wanted to. “There’s my girl.” I rolled my eyes and shook my head.
“I’m not your girl, Garrett.” I corrected him leaning against the wall.
“I know…” He sighed and looked around the apartment. “Do you ever wish you could turn back time and redo things?”
“Sometimes.” I confessed smoothing my skirt. I was telling the truth. Since Nikola
i’s confession I had been doing a lot of thinking about the past. But you don’t regret Aleksi, do you?
“If I hadn’t tried to stop that fight, I would have never slept with Anna and company. You would have never walked in on it…and we would not be standing here today. It’s so funny that everything… Kendra’s death, you losing your work, our break up… Everything that lead to this moment only happened because I tried to be heroic.”
“Kendra would still be dead probably… but yeah. You’re right. More or less.” I smoothed my black miniskirt and tugged the hem down a little.
“I miss her. It’s very fucked up but I do.”
“Yeah…I miss a lot of things.” I laughed nervously and we shared a sigh.
“Movie night. I miss getting everyone together in our apartment and snuggling on the couch with you. Kendra’s horrible jokes she’d make at fucking every little thing. Les bitching about her latest conquest either being too kinky or not kinky enough.” He laughed and shook his head before taking his phone out and looking at the time. “I gotta go. But I meant it, Autumn. Take that sweet ass of yours across the street and join him. He’s an idiot if he doesn’t want you there.”
“I don’t have a locker to use anymore.”
“Excuses! You live across the street.”
“Alright.”
“Alright, says the pretty girl. Well, pretty girl, I’m back off to the wonderful world of dance.”
“What are you working on?”
“Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella…Midsummer.” He paused.
“There’s more?”
“I’m in demand, hotlips.” He winked.
“More like working your ass off.”
“That too…” He laughed and shook his head. “La Bayader, that’s the last one. You should impress upon your lover that you really want to see him as Prince Charming.” He winked again and I shook my head.
“Alright, but shouldn’t you head back?”
“I’m a Danseur Noble now! I should throw temper tantrums and storm out of rehearsals and show up half way through class. That’s how it works right?”
Dark Awakenings (Danse Macabre Book 2) Page 8