My heart leapt in the air. Shit. I hadn’t been expecting that. I closed my eyes and covered my face with my hands, so he couldn’t see how much I wanted to say yes. To be with Bryan twenty-four seven, to wake up every morning looking into those gorgeous grey green eyes, to go to bed with him every night, it would be awesome.
“That sounds wonderful.” I sighed, dropping my hands and opening my eyes to find him staring at me expectantly. “I really want to, but I can’t.”
“What do you mean, you can’t?” I felt his leg muscles tense beneath me. “The way I see it, we should have done this years ago. Maybe if we had…”
“Don’t. Regret is a dead end,” I said sadly. “One of the things they taught us in rehab is to use the lessons of the past as fuel for the future.” I ran my hand down the side of his stubbled cheek and trailed a finger under the black leather cord with the silver skull bead that he wore around his neck. I stared into his eyes, willing him to understand. But his guard was up again and it made me sad to see that. “Bry,” I tried to explain. “You went from being my best friend in high school to being my lover, and even if things hadn’t gone all wrong for us, I don’t think I would have been ready to handle something like that. I’m still not.”
“What the hell’s that supposed to mean?” He set me aside sharply and made a sweeping gesture with his arm indicating the bed. “Were you not just there with me? You know as well as I do what we did was a whole helluva lot more than just two people getting each other off. It’s always been more with you and me.” He scrubbed a hand through his hair. “Are you saying that this was a mistake?”
I shook my head.
“Good.” He gave a curt nod. “Cause it’s not prom night anymore, Lace. Let me lay it all out this time just so there’s no chance for misunderstanding. I love you. I want you with me all the time. Don’t make it more complicated than that.”
“I’m not trying to.” I put my hand on his arm, but he shook it off. My throat tightened as I watched him go for his pants, yanking them back on. I pulled the lapels of the robe closer together, suddenly feeling cold. “Bry, please try to understand.”
He turned back around, his eyes flashing defensively.
“I love you, too,” I powered on. “But you’d have to be blind not to see what a wretched mess my life is right now. I need to get things straight first…before I get into a relationship with anyone.”
“I’m not just some random guy you hooked up with, Lace.”
Shit. I started to panic. That wasn’t how I meant it at all. He was taking everything I said and turning it inside out. “I know that…God, I know that.” I was finding it difficult to breathe. This was going even worse than I’d feared.
He must’ve noticed how freaked out I was. He moved back to the bed and knelt in front of me, his expression softening. “I know this is scary, Lace.” His voice was gentler and his eyes searched my face before he covered the two of my clutched hands with his own. “All the more reason for us to be together, so I can help you.”
I shook my head. “No, Bryan. I can’t let you do that.” If only I could explain it so he’d understand. “I can’t keep jumping from relationship to relationship every time I need a rescue. I’ve got to learn how to take care of myself for a change. It’s going to take work to become a better person, and that’s work that only I can do.” I glanced up at him hoping that I’d finally gotten through, but my heart stuttered when I saw how completely closed off to me he was.
“So you’re telling me you want me to put my life on hold again. To be on standby. To wait.”
Yes. “Yes.” I held my breath as I waited for his reply.
“How long do you estimate this process of yours is gonna take?” His voice was a really low rumble.
“I don’t know. Just until I prove to myself that I can do it, I guess.”
His jaw was rigid. An oppressive silence filled the room. I heard the air conditioner kick on, felt the cold air against the back of my neck, icy trepidation trickling down my spine. “I’ve waited through two guys for you. Look where that got you. Bad shit happens when we’re apart. We’ve both lost out on precious time that we should have spent together. And now that there’s nothing else in our way, you want to put up this wall between us? No, Lace,” he said firmly. “I’ve done all the waiting I’m gonna do.” I could see the anger and pain in his piercing gaze. “You decide. It’s got to be yes or no, right now.”
My heart froze completely solid. My chin dropped to my chest. A cold fist tightened around my throat. “No, then,” I whispered.
He didn’t say anything and that said it all. When I looked up, he was scooping his shirt off the floor.
Stop, my heart cried.
Please don’t go, my eyes pleaded.
But his face was an impenetrable fortress now. “Goodbye, Lace.” His words detonated inside of me like a bomb blast.
CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX
* * *
Lace
For a long time I didn’t move at all. So long that my rigid muscles went from tense to burning pins and needles to completely numb. But eventually I had to feel the pain. After all, Bryan had just blown my world to bits. And suddenly the realization of it all crashed down on me.
Totally obliterated, my heart lay scattered like shrapnel all around me. Big sobbing shudders shook my body as I looked at the tangled sheets, as I breathed in the lingering scent of his cologne, as I tasted him in my mouth along with the salt from my tears, as I heard the sound of his goodbye ringing in my ears, as I opened and closed my fingers remembering when I’d held him in my hands.
I jerked up out of the bed and turned my back on it. I sank to the floor, pulled my knees up to my chest, and wrapped my arms around my knees. I rocked back and forth, staring straight ahead, tears blurring my vision.
But there was nothing to ease the pain.
For a fleeting moment, I seriously considered getting up, getting dressed, and going out for some drugs. But if I went down that path again I knew there’d be no coming back from it a second time. I’d end up in the ground just like my mother.
My arms tightened around my knees. No fucking way. I steeled myself and stuck a fork in that chapter of my life. It was done. Over.
I was never descending into that pit again.
I’d have my cry. I was fucking entitled to that. It’d been a long time since I had so I was going to make it a good one. I felt sorry for myself and all that shit.
When the sun came up, my throat was raw, my eyes burned, and my Kleenex box was empty. I got up off the floor. I had to use the bed as a crutch because my legs had cramped up so bad. But I wasn’t going to allow myself to linger in that sad place. I was time to be tough. Resilient. I went into the bathroom and got myself cleaned up. I washed and conditioned my hair. I scrubbed twice with the fragrant hotel soap and scoured the traces of his scent from my skin.
I stepped out onto the bathmat and wrapped a towel around me. Pulling the hand towel out of the ring, I wiped away the condensation from the mirror. I stared at the pink faced woman who looked back at me. Her eyes were red rimmed but determined.
I liked her.
She was a keeper.
She was sick and tired of life knocking her the fuck down.
Things were going to be different from here on out.
This woman was going to start fighting the fuck back.
CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN
* * *
Lace
I pounded on my brother’s door with my fist.
“Hold up. I’m coming.” I heard his muffled reply through the door before he opened it. “What the hell!” he exclaimed when he saw me. “What’d you do to your hair?”
“Cut it, obviously,” I threw back as I brushed past him to enter the room.
“What’s going on, Lace?” he asked when I turned around. “Where’s Bryan?”
“I don’t know.” I blinked back the burn and avoided looking at him. I sank on the mattress and smoothed out the wrinkles i
n the comforter. “I asked him to wait for me. To give me some time to get my head sorted out. He didn’t like that plan.”
“Damn. I’m sorry.” Dizzy dropped down on the bed and glanced at me, eyes filled with questions I didn’t really have the answers for. Not yet at least. I was working on that.
The haircut was symbolic. The long feminine locks were gone, lopped off. Out with the old, in with the new was my motto going forward. From now on it was just me and my retro 1960’s Twiggy hairdo that practically screamed, “This chick can make it on her own!”
There is one thing I know, I thought as I ran my hand over the ear length strands it was going to take some time to get used to. “I’m not going back to Seattle.” There were just too many memories there.
“Kinda late to be deciding that.” Dizzy looked at his watch. “Our plane leaves in a couple of hours.”
“I already paid the change fee.”
“Where you gonna go then?”
“Vancouver. I have some unfinished business at Black Cat. Things I need to make right. I think it’s probably as good a place as any to start over.”
“Ok.” The lines between his eyes smoothed out. “No reason for me to go back then, either. I’ll come with you.”
I laid my head on his shoulder and let out a breath. “Diz, I have to do this on my own. Anyway what about the band?”
“What band? No War, remember?”
“Still. The rest of the guys are in Seattle and they need you there.”
He nodded while his eyes searched mine. “You’re sure about this?”
It was my turn to nod.
“Alright.” He exhaled. “But you’re not alone. I’ll be just a phone call away.”
He put his hand on mine. “I’m you’re big brother. I know I have problems of my own, but we’re family. You can’t get rid of me that easily.” He held me back by the shoulders and his lips formed an encouraging smile. “I know you can do this, Lace. If any of us can bounce back from all this shit, it’ll be you.”
CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT
* * *
Lace
I dropped into the leather chair outside her office again, my designated spot the past three Monday afternoons in a row. I flipped through the magazine selection. I’d read them all by now. I started in on an Us that I practically had memorized. I glanced over at her secretary. “You let her know I’m here?”
She nodded and went back to typing at her computer.
“Ok. Thanks.” I looked out the window at the impossible blue sky and lonely cargo ship floating in the bay. My mind zoned out as I prepared for a long wait.
“Ms. Lowell?”
My mind snapped into focus
“Ms. Timmons will see you now.”
Finally.
The secretary held open the door for me and I entered, getting my first look at the inner sanctum of Black Cat’s CEO. Pretty impressive. The huge corner suite filled with dark, ornate furnishings felt very old world. Outside the windows, English Bay played the role of moat for Mary Timmons’ castle.
Hopefully the Queen wasn’t about to send me to the gallows.
The brunette sat at her throne, intimidating as ever, with her hands steepled together in front of her while she stared at me.
I took a seat in one of the chairs and stared right back at her across the imposing desk. The new Lace, the one who had cheated death, didn’t take shit from anyone. After all what could this lady really do to me? I didn’t need anything from her.
I slid the bulky envelope out of the inside pocket of my pea coat and placed it on the desk in front of her.
“That’s the cash from the signing bonus, less the 20K for rehab. But I intend to pay every penny back.” My fingers gripped the inflexible wood armrests on my chair. “I took that money under false pretenses. That doesn’t gel with who I am now or at least with the person I intend to become. So I wanted to offer you an apology.”
Looking astonished, her gaze flicked to the envelope and then back to me. Ok, admittedly I began to squirm just a bit. She hadn’t said a word yet. The woman had the intimidation routine down to a scary ass science. I could definitely learn a few things from her.
Head tilting slightly to the side, Mary leaned back in her chair, still every inch in control of this meeting. But I sensed a subtle softening in her manner. Or then again maybe it was just wishful thinking on my part.
“You’re done with the drugs, then?” she asked bluntly.
I was a bit surprised by this question. That she would even ask, I mean why would she believe me? I’d lied to her before. But I owed her the truth. “It was a real struggle at first, but it’s gotten easier.” The drugs had been an escape from an out of control life, and now that my life was going where I wanted it to, I didn’t crave them anymore…not as much anyway. “Three weeks sober,” I said proudly. “Six if you count rehab.”
“I would definitely count it.”
What was her deal? I’d given her the money back. Why wasn’t she saying anything about that? Underneath the weight of that steely stare of hers, I found myself rambling. “It’ll take me a while to pay back the rest. I mean, I didn’t realize how much everything costs up here in Canada.” My waitress salary didn’t go very far. It barely paid the bills. If Dizzy hadn’t insisted on paying for my first year, I don’t think I’d ever have been able to save up enough to attend fashion school.
“You’re living here in Vancouver?”
“Yes. I need a fresh start and I don’t want to be back in Seattle where I might be tempted to fall back in with my old crowd.”
“Lace Lowell.” A regal brow rose. “You impress me.”
Really?
“It’s been a long time since anyone’s done that,” she said softly, reaching for the envelope. She opened up a drawer and tossed it inside without checking the contents. “Here’s what we’re going to do. You’ll come into the studio ten to three Monday through Friday. I want you doing some studio vocals. You’ll work with our voice coach. Then…”
“I can’t,” I interrupted.
“Pardon me.”
“I can’t.” I repeated despite the glare that said, “Off with her head.” I’d better make my case before any blood got spilled. “I waitress in the day, and I’m taking night classes at the Centre.”
Her eyes narrowed in surprise. “The Blanche MacDonald Centre?”
I nodded. “I’m working on a degree in design.”
“What about your contract, Lace?”
“If I’m not mistaken, I voided that with the drug use.” I sat up a little straighter. “Frankly, I thought you’d be glad to be rid of me. Lost cause and all.”
“I thought you told me your dream was to be a singer. Was that another misrepresentation, too?”
“No. That’s what I said. I just think fashion’s the better choice for me.” I sighed, wondering where she was going with this.
Her lips flattened and her fingers steepled together again. “The better choice or the safer choice?” Her eyes held mine in a tight grip.
Damn. This woman was perceptive as shit. Neither Bryan nor my brother, who knew me extremely well, had asked me that. “Music has always been my first love,” I said without hesitation. “But…”
“No buts.” She stopped me with a precision hand slice. “The way I see it, there’s no reason you can’t do both.” My eyes widened while she kept on talking. “They might even mesh really well together. Image is such a big part of the music business. I’m sure you realize that quite a few entertainers have their own fashion lines.”
That would be so cool.
“You’ll have to quit the waitressing, obviously. Unless you’re in love with that career path, too?”
I glanced up. Was she teasing me? Mary Timmons? I shook my head.
“That was a rhetorical question. I’m glad to know you’re on board with my plan.” She picked up her cell, sliding her fingers quickly across the screen. “Beth…No. I wasn’t calling about the Tempest thing. I have
n’t made a decision about that yet.”
Whoosh. At just the mention, my memory hauled ass right back to that night in Orlando. I felt the familiar ache in my chest. The sutures on my heart were holding so far, but the prognosis was still day to day. I missed Bry constantly.
What good was a new life without him to share it with?
I let out a weary sigh, refocusing on Mary’s phone conversation.
“Yes. She’s here in my office now. I’m sending her right over. Take her to HR. I’m bringing her on as a part time employee.” Her eyes hit mine. “Four hours a day ok with you? Twenty thousand for the first six months.”
Heck yeah, I’d take it.
Numbly, I nodded. There was no way in hell I could even come close to that amount working for tips. Mary spun her chair away. Thinking I’d been dismissed, I started to stand. She swiveled back, holding up a finger. “One more thing, Lace.”
“Yes.” I gulped, my stomach doing a little nauseating side shimmy.
“Where are you staying?’
“A hostel on Pender Street.”
Mary frowned. “That’s not a very good part of town.” That was a total understatement. The place made the Avenue look like Disneyworld. She opened up her desk drawer, pulled out a couple of business cards, and handed them to me. “One of those is for a driver I keep on call. The other is for the manager at Sutton Place. I don’t want you wasting what little free time you’re going to have on public transportation, and I want you sleeping in a safe place.”
“Ok,” I managed, trying to take it all in.
“You’ll like the Sutton. It’s convenient and in a nice neighborhood only a couple of blocks from your school.” My deer in the headlights look must’ve registered with her. Her face softened.
Rock Star Romance Ultimate: Volume 1 Page 109