“Thank you, Vince. You have been so wonderful.” Her voice was small and weak, but little by little, she pushed to find the strength she had that Jared had loved so much.
****
The next few days were a freaking nightmare. From no sleep from nightmares that would make Freddy Kruger scream and cry like a little pussy, there was now a house full of people all with casseroles in hand and baskets of unwanted advice. For some reason the town and church members had all come to the ranch expecting Bella to be there instead of at her own house. Alaina and Mrs. Sanders had made sure to keep people from barging in on her at her request. Bella wasn’t handling the situation well, and had opted to only see their small group over the hordes of strangers who thought a pie or bowl of fried chicken made everything better. Joker could now see why. Oh my God, I have to get out of here before I snap. No longer had the thought floated through his mind than Alaina found him and asked him to head to the commissary for a few things. He more than jumped on the chance. She eyeballed his overenthusiasm, but didn’t give it too much thought. With grocery list in hand, he all but ran out the door.
Driving seemed to prove a little more difficult than he had anticipated. All of his stubbornness had shown its head this morning when he had awoken stiff and barely able to get out of bed. With the help of a few pain pills, he had showered and gotten coffee, but sitting on the seat of his truck was a huge pain in the ass, literally.
The parking lot at the commissary was ridiculous. For a damn Tuesday morning, there sure were a shit ton of soldiers and civilians all out to get the best bargain. Yippie fuckin’ skippie. He ended up parking what seemed like a million miles away from the front door because with his thigh bandaged tight and every step pulling the muscles all the way to his butt, this is exactly what he needed…NOT! By the time he made it in the building and past the lady handing out fliers with the weekly coupons that a mob of penny-pinching wives crowded around like vultures, he thought he was going to go postal. How the fuck did women do this on a regular basis? The aisles were worse. People shoved and pushed past him, of course bumping into the sling on his arm as if on purpose. Fucking assholes. The elderly retired military were worse. They took their time and blocked the entire aisle, not allowing anyone by in either direction. Instead of grabbing something and moving on, it was like deciding what brand of corn was cutting the red wire or the blue wire on a fucking bomb. It took all he had not to just grab one, slam it in their cart, and physically push them along. They didn’t look where they were going, but instead assumed because they were elders that no matter what they had the right away. Finally, he had accumulated every item on the list, all in about an hour and a half’s time. Twenty-six minutes in line and he was finally checking out.
Low and behold, standing in front of him was Bella, Venus’s widow. The poor woman looked like hell. Her eyes were hollow, almost like they had been blacked with puffy lids and red blotches around them. He knew he should say something, but knowing she must barely be managing long enough to get through the shopping, he remained stuck in place. Truth be told, he wasn’t sure if he could keep it together if she did fall apart, and they had too big of an audience to risk a meltdown by them both.
Joker hadn’t been back over to see her since that night. Alaina, Mrs. Sanders, Vince, Violet, and even Michael had all made daily visits, taking the kids to give her time alone, and holding her hand while she cried. He just couldn’t bring himself to go. Bella meant more to him than just about anyone, but there was just no way possible he could face the situation. Hiding out in the cabin and alcohol seemed to be pacifying his erratic moods, and no one needed to be around him while he was like this. Sooner or later, he knew he had to go pay her and the kids a visit. It may be self-centered, but he just couldn’t face it all right now, not like she was either or ever would be, but he had to wait. The thought of what Bella must be going through was unbearable. Immediately his gut clenched into putrid knots that caused bile to rise in his throat. Losing a comrade and his best friend was harder than losing a family member. He couldn’t fathom the idea of losing a spouse, which was another reason he was single and always would be. There was no way in hell he could ever put a woman through what this poor little thing was going through. In his line of work, the chances were too high. No strings attached was the only option. He could never, and would never, fall in love. It was too much of a gamble.
She had a cart full, and hadn’t noticed him as of yet. Hopefully she wouldn’t… After Bella had swiped her card, like most bitch cashiers, she announced loud enough for the whole line to hear that it was declined. Bella fumbled around and tried three other credit cards only to get the same result. By this time, people were starting to stare, and her face was a deep cherry with tears almost spilling out of her already cry-stained eyes. Instead of allowing it to go further, Joker stepped up to the rescue.
“Baby, did I get your card again? I am so sorry. Ma’am, please add my stuff to this and I will pay. We are having a get-together for the troops and I must have took her card by mistake.” Bella turned around wide-eyed. The moment it registered who he was, her face fell in an instant relief. The poor girl looked like she could pass out. He walked up and hugged her, showing her support but also hoping to prevent her from falling out. She leaned against him exhausted. The checkout lady was all but friendly, smacking her gum and seeming overly disgruntled that she had to ring up the groceries. Isn’t this her job? He paid and fought off the sacker, which was no easy feat. They were relentless on carry out, so they could stand at the back of your vehicle, watch you put it all in your car, and not move until you paid a tip. If it was under ten dollars, they cussed you in their native tongue and refused to move until you literally almost hit them. He was just not up for the same game today. In the mood he was in, he would drop his damn truck down into four wheel low and back over the psycho bitch. To his surprise, Bella waited for him at the door with a shy and humiliated expression. How the hell was she broke? Venus made good money…and his life insurance should be kicking in any day.
“Hey, Joker, thanks… Talk about a most embarrassing moment ever. I will pay you back as soon as I can. I gotta start looking for a job next week, so it may be a month or so.”
“Don’t worry about it, it isn’t a big deal. If you don’t mind me asking, are you okay financially?” He had to catch himself and not mention the life insurance. It was better left unspoken, especially given her current state. He didn’t want to make the situation worse, but he needed to know. If they weren’t paying out like they should, or something was going on, it was his and the rest of the team’s job to take care of her and help any way they could. Bella hesitated to answer.
She was torn between lying, and spilling everything. It was so hard to swallow the huge lump of shit that had dumped on her overnight that before she could stop it, it all came out in a teary confession.
Instead of allowing her to speak, he gently pulled her outside and sat her on the bench, knowing the whole damn store would be watching and talking if he didn’t. “There, now tell me what’s going on.”
“I don’t know what to do, Joker. Jared’s mom ran up a shit ton of credit card debt in our name, and they have been taking it out of his check each month. This pay period, they took the whole damn thing. I checked with the bank, and his entire…” she paused, unable to say the words. “Policy is going to debt, and from what happened in the store it is frozen until then. I have thirty days to move out of housing, no family, no college or job, no place to go, and if it wasn’t for you, no damn food for the kids. I can’t do this!” With that, she broke into a million pieces.
He wrapped his arms around her and let her cry, holding her tight. The poor thing trembled and gasped for air. Fuck. He couldn’t fucking let her drive like this. Hell, he couldn’t leave her alone. The next few minutes he thought about what the best plan of action would be, knowing good damn and well that she wouldn’t be up for all of the people at the farm who would all want to pay their condolences
and remind her over and over the hell she was in. She couldn’t really go home alone either. Finally deciding he didn’t have a choice, he dug in his pocket, grabbed his cell phone, and dialed.
“Mrs. Sanders? Hey… It’s Joker. I need your help. I am at the commissary with Bella. I am bringing her back to the farm with me but need to get her unnoticed upstairs into the guest bedroom, and get the kids from school without the whole damn house full noticing. No, I don’t think the kids know yet. Yeah, she can’t be alone right now. Okay… Thank you. I am leaving her car here, so if Michael can come get it later that would be great. Naw, they won’t tow it before then. Yep, I am leaving now. Bye.” He turned Bella in his arms and left her sitting while he transferred the few bags he had into her cart before reaching down and guiding her to his truck. Without questioning she followed, sliding into the passenger side and falling against the door in a heap as soon as he got it shut. After he had the groceries in the back of the truck, he climbed in and buckled her, unsure what the hell to do next. He had never dealt with a woman so broken up. What sucked the most, was instead of being able to ignore it as a female hormonal thing, he understood.
Once they had made it back to the farm, Alaina and Violet took over and got Bella settled in one of the guest rooms. No longer being needed, and not wanting to hang around, he snuck out the back door and back to the only place he wanted to be—the solitude of the cabin. With a bottle of Jack in hand, he slouched back onto the couch and flipped the television on, doing everything possible to numb his mind and distract any thoughts. The team was due back in a week for the funeral, and he didn’t know whether to be relieved or worried. They wouldn’t let him go back and help with the job if they didn’t get the senator this time because of his injuries. Maybe if he begged and bitched enough they would… He was in definite need of distraction from life. This shit sucked. Four episodes of Duck Dynasty reruns later, there was a soft knock at the door. Joker glanced up at the clock. Eleven twenty-six. Who the hell would be coming this late? Maybe Michael had seen his light on and needed to get away from all of the pandemonium the day had brought. Cars were still parked at the main house, which meant that some of the visitors had planned on camping out. Shitacular. He rose, treading sock footed to the door only to find Bella standing on the other side, with her arms wrapped around her midsection and her cheeks sopping wet. Fuck.
“Bella, what are you doing out here?”
“I’m sorry, I just had to go…somewhere. Anywhere. I can hear everyone talking downstairs, and it is killing me. ‘Jared this… Jared that…’ I can’t handle it.” She looked at the ground, hiding the pain that spewed like rivers from her eyes.
How the hell could he say no? He didn’t want to deal with it either, and seeing her was a reminder of the loss of his friend, and the guilt that he wasn’t there. He turned to let her pass, nodding her to move inside. “I can’t imagine. Come on in. I got something that might help. Have a seat.” She slowly walked in, gazing around at the rustic furnishings in the small space. Joker went to the kitchen and grabbed a glass with ice, and poured it half full of whiskey. With the bottle in his other hand, he went back over and sat on the other side of her, handing her the cup. “Here, this will take the edge off. So far it is pretty good therapy for me.”
She took it with shaky hands, and gulped a huge drink before answering, “Thanks. The kids are in bed, courtesy of Mrs. Sanders, so I can self-medicate tonight. I am sorry for barging in on you. I just didn’t know where to go…I had to run, but it is kind of pointless when there is nowhere to run to and I am scared shitless of the dark.”
Joker did a half snort, half chuckle and took a swig out of the bottle. “Well, there is nothing to be afraid of here, I promise you that. Bella, you are family…I'm sorry I haven’t been much help, I just don’t know what to do. The only way I have been coping was with alcohol therapy. I don’t mind the company though…” His words trailed off unsure himself if there was an underlying meaning under them. Damn it, he was fucked up. Here he was, with the widow of his brother who just got blown to shit and he was acting like a damn fool. They lost soldiers every day, and it affected everyone whether they knew them or not. But losing his brother was fucking him up royally. He stole a glance in her direction and his heart melted. She had emptied her glass, and was still a wreck. Without asking, he refilled her, scooting the foot stool over closer to her. “Here, prop your feet up. You like Duck Dynasty? There is something about this show that is calming, and just mellows me. Their way of life, faith, and family reminds me of the old shows like Leave it to Beaver, and I Love Lucy.”
“Yeah, it is one of my favorites.” Her heart sank more. Bella excluded the part that it was one of Jared’s favorites too. They would sit on the weekends when he was home and veg on the marathons, snuggled up on the couch. Was everything going to be an instant stab through the heart? Everything she did, they did together. Everywhere she went, they went together. The alcohol was starting to kill her senses, helping to mellow the pain that ripped her insides to shredded cheese. For the past few days, the desperation had only gotten stronger and more powerful. She couldn’t step out of the blackness that had sucked her inside. Hell, the kids didn’t even know until tonight that daddy wasn’t coming home. She was thankful for Alaina and the others who broke the news to them gently. Without them, she wasn’t sure she could ever have told them. Ever. Mrs. Sanders had been there to help, and stepped in to do her job as a mom. Shit, she was even failing her kids. How was she supposed to put on a brave face for them, when she had no idea how to? It was her job to make sure they were okay, not wallow in self-pity. It was time to suck it up, whether she liked it or not. Drink water, take Motrin, and march on, soldier. The infamous Army motto floated through her head. How? She had no inkling how to detach her feelings enough to live. It was just a foreign language to her.
The next few sips stopped the rapid thoughts that had flashed over and over like a broken record in her head, haunting every waking moment. For the first time, she just stared at the television, watching a bunch of dudes in camo catch frogs. Bella propped her feet up and scooted her head against the back of the couch, letting herself relax for the first time.
Two episodes later, she had passed out and scooted around to lean her head on Joker’s shoulder. At first it made him feel uncomfortable, but after seeing what she was going through, he couldn’t help but wrap his arm around her and give her some sort of reassurance and comfort while she slept. It had been so long since he had just held a woman, and as fucked up as it was, there was no one else he would rather give this little forbidden side of him to. He rolled it around in his head over and over, wondering if the roles were switched, if he would be pissed off or thankful. His conclusion was that if he had died abruptly and the love of his life was shattering into a million pieces, he would expect his buddies to step in and console her, and get her put back together. This may be the only way he could make up the fact that it should have been him sitting in that morgue right now and not Jared. It became obvious that he had a purpose, and self-destruction from guilt wasn’t part of it. Starting right now, he had a new mission—Bella and the kids. Whatever they needed, he would make sure they had, even if that meant the emotional crap he had hid away for so, so long.
For the next few hours he sat and just held her, gently petting her arm or squeezing her reassuringly as she whined and cried out in her sleep. He was a pro at having horrible nightmares, and she was definitely fighting them. After they seemed to ease up, he contemplated laying her on the couch to sleep or taking her back to the main house. In all honesty, he didn’t want to leave her alone, but knew if the kids got up and couldn’t find her that would only add to their angst. It was four a.m., and who knew how early they got up. Mrs. Sanders was always up with the sun, and he knew there was no way the old mother hen would let them wake her, but he still wanted to get her back before too long. The poor little things had enough to overcome without adding their momma MIA to the list.
Slipping his boots back on gently so not to wake her, he scooped her up in his good arm, trying to keep her weight off the injured side, and leaned her head in the crook of his neck. She felt so soft and heartening against him despite the pain that shot through his system. It reminded him of the teddy bear he had growing up. No matter what was going on bad around him that bear made it all better. He had kept it tucked under his arm until the second grade, when a bully had called him names and had taken it away. The little shit face ripped it into shreds and stomped him in the mud, ruining it forever, and leaving a hole in his heart. It wasn’t until fourth grade that he got over that day. Joker had hit a growth spurt, and shit face hadn’t. One bloody nose later, and Joker walked away leaving the past in the past. Those two weeks stuck in detention were worth every minute. Plus, he had all of his homework done by the time he got home…which was an ‘in yo face’ to the principal.
The night breeze whipped slightly, slinging locks of her golden hair into her face. With the very tip of his finger he brushed it out, melting at the tiny smile she gave in her sleep. Hopefully her dreams had wandered off into something peaceful and would let her get some much needed rest. The short walk seemed to be too short tonight. Normally, he dragged himself out there after contemplating just driving the short little jot instead of walking. If it wasn’t for his butt wound, the little walk would be perfect. He hobbled slowly, careful not to rip his stitches and fall with the precious bundle in his arms. Maybe she was good therapy for him too. From such a shit ass day, he felt somewhat better.
Michael met him at the back door and helped him get her up the stairs to her bedroom. When he laid her down, he was torn. There was no way in hell she could sleep comfortably in shoes and jeans, but he didn’t think it would be right to undress her either. Shit. Shoes. Shoes are okay, right? Making a half ass decision, he slipped her tennis shoes off and flipped a blanket around her, taking extra care in tucking her thoroughly. Maybe it was the alcohol, or the grief, or a sick mixture of both, but he had to fight the urge to spread out beside her. A foreign spark ignited in his hollow heart, making him run from the scene and back to the bottle that awaited.
Broken Battlefield, Mended Hearts (Breaking Protocol Series Book 2) Page 7