by Parker, Ali
“Holden, please don’t make this any harder on me than it has to be.” She held her hand up and looked away from me. “I know this is hard, but we both need space. It’s better in the long run.”
And with that, she turned to head back into the classroom, closing the door behind her. I stood there, speechless, trying to take in what she’d said to me. Hunter came running back up to me and nudged me.
“Dad?”
I looked down at him, blinking, trying to come back to reality.
“Can we go home now?” he asked brightly. His face was clear and serene, no idea of the mess going on around him at that moment.
“Yeah, we can go home,” I replied, and I turned to walk out of the school—and couldn’t help wondering if I was walking out of Autumn’s life for good as well.
47
Holden
I stared down at the photographs in front of me. I’d been looking at them for so long, they started to blur around the edges, but I didn’t care. I couldn’t look away.
I was leafing through some pictures of Hunter from the last few years of his life especially. It was crazy how much he had grown up in that time, how he had gone from being a boy to a little man, and I couldn’t help smiling as I traced his growth from baby to the ten-year-old he was now. How could that much time have passed already? It didn’t make sense to me. Yet as I looked at him like this, a pang of sadness overwhelmed me.
I had missed so much of his life while I’d been setting up the business. It had been the right thing at the time, of course—or at least I had managed to convince myself that was the case. But looking at these photos, I couldn’t dismiss the fact that I didn’t remember every single one, every single occasion. I wasn’t even in a lot of them, probably off taking a call or checking my email while Raymond had been snapping the photograph. Perhaps I should have been there for him more. If I could go back in time and do it again, I would have shoved to the back of my mind the urge to prove Karla wrong above all else and would have focused on being the father my son needed.
He was out spending time with one of his friends that afternoon, and I was glad for a little peace. It had been such a hectic week, and I felt as though my brain was going to start leaking out of my head. Seven days before, Autumn Becks, the woman I was falling in love with, had told me that we needed to take a break, and I’d been reeling from the shock of it ever since. Even thinking about her hurt me in a visceral way, a way I’d never prepared for. There was something else I had taken for granted, something else that had slipped through my fingers before I had a chance to take hold of it. If only I had made it clearer when we first got together that I didn’t care about Karla, Hunter’s mother. If only I had made it more obvious that Autumn was the only woman I needed. Maybe she would have stuck around even after Karla appeared in my life again. Instead, she had taken a step back from me, and I hadn’t heard from her since. I was giving her all the space she needed, but I craved her there by my side to help guide me through this strange new place I found myself in.
I had barely left the house all week, focusing all my energy on work and Hunter in the hopes of shutting down those panicked thoughts about the two women in my life who wouldn’t give me a moment’s rest inside my head. One of them, Autumn, was new and fresh and exciting, the kind of woman I could see myself with in any serious way, the woman who had turned me around on the thought of dating again. Then there was the woman from my past, the last woman I had dated before Autumn, the mother of my child and the person who had spurred me to become the man I was today by telling me she never thought I would amount to anything. They were both important in their own ways, but I didn’t have space for both of them in my head at once.
A knock came at the door, ringing through the quiet of the house and taking me by surprise. I lifted my head up from the pictures and tried to remember if I’d invited anyone over that day, but I couldn’t remember suggesting anyone come around. I got to my feet and headed to the door, peering through the keyhole, and found Raymond waiting on the other side for me.
I opened the door, and he grinned at me. He knew what was going on with Autumn and Karla, and he’d been there from the start for all the bullshit with my ex. Being the good friend that he was, he was likely here to get me out of the damn house and make sure I didn’t spend my time festering and hiding from all the trouble chasing me right now.
“Well, good day to you, sir.” He raised his eyebrows. “Been a while since I saw you last. You doing all right?”
“I’m doing okay,” I lied. He cocked his head at me.
“Are you?” he remarked, giving me the once-over. “Because you look like a hermit.”
I ran my hand over my unshaven chin and sighed. He was right. I needed to get out of the house and have an excuse to clean myself up a little. But I didn’t want to go anywhere.
“Come on, I’m taking you out to lunch,” he told me firmly, brushing past me and into the house. I shook my head.
“No. I mean, I have work to do.”
“Yeah, like you haven’t been using that to distract yourself all week,” he said. “Come on, just for an hour. I know a place close enough. I won’t take up much of your day, I promise. Besides, seems like you could use the trip out, huh?”
“Fine.” I sighed. “Can you give me a minute to shave and get myself ready?”
“I think you’d better,” he teased. “You really think I’d be seen out with you looking like that?”
“All right, point taken.” I waved my hand at him and retreated to my bedroom to get myself dressed and cleaned. I felt like a slob. I usually took a great deal of pride in my appearance, but now that Autumn was out of my life, I didn’t have much reason to any longer. I had even avoided picking up Hunter at school when I knew she would be there, and I waited outside the gates so he could come out and find me. The thought of looking her in the eye and letting her see the mess I had become within only a few days without her was too humiliating.
I headed out to meet Raymond, and he clapped his hands together.
“There, you’re already looking more like yourself.” He jerked his head toward the door. “Let’s get going. I’m starving.”
I followed him out to the car and let him drive me to this place he wanted to take me to. It turned out to be a quaint little seafood place near the water, which would have been perfect if driving this way didn’t remind me so instantly of my date with Autumn. We’d come down here to get ice cream. We had kissed on the pier, and it had been so perfect, it made my heart hurt a little to know I wouldn’t get to do it again any time soon. I asked Raymond about Olivia and the baby to distract myself, and he happily chatted to me about fatherhood and how he was adjusting having a newborn. It was good to talk to him, to get my mind off the constant thoughts that had been running around in my head since last week.
“What are you going to have?” I asked him as we took our seats and looked down at the menu. My stomach was growling. I was starving, having not eaten nearly enough these last few days. I had been too distracted and depressed. Thank God Raymond was here to try and help make things better.
He shrugged. “I don’t know yet. You want to split some stuff?”
“Sure,” I agreed, and I found myself relaxing. It was nice to have some human company after everything that had happened—adult company too. Hunter was awesome, but he was hardly what I needed to help talk me through the intensity of everything that had happened the past few days. He didn’t have a clue his mother was anywhere near us, and he’d been cheerfully asking when we were going out with Autumn again.
“How are you doing?” Raymond asked once we’d ordered, sitting back in his seat and giving me a hard look across the table. I shrugged.
“Yeah, fine, I guess,” I replied, and he shook his head.
“Come on. I know you’ve been through a hell of a lot these last few days,” he told me gently. “How are you coping with it? How’s it going with Karla?”
“She’s tried to call me a
few times, but I haven’t picked up.” I shook my head. “I don’t want to have to deal with her at the moment. I’m too… I don’t know. I just never thought I would have to handle her or her bullshit ever again. I need some time to wrap my head around the fact that I do now.”
“And what about everything with Autumn?” he pressed. I snorted, but there wasn’t much actual amusement in my tone.
“Okay, now there’s someone I’d actually like to hear from, but I haven’t,” I admitted, letting out a long sigh. “I’ve tried to get hold of her, but she’s not replied to any of my calls, and I don’t want to push her further than she’s already been pushed. You know what I mean?”
“Fuck.” Raymond shook his head. “This is one hell of a mess, isn’t it?”
“Sure is,” I agreed, trying to keep my voice upbeat but knowing it was reading as depressing. I didn’t want to bring him down, but he was insistent on pushing the issue.
“Have you thought about talking to Karla?” he asked. I lifted my eyes to his and gave him a long look.
“No.” I shook my head after a pause. “I don’t want anything to do with her if I can avoid it. She just… no. I can’t stand the thought of having her in my life, in Hunter’s life—especially because she told me she wants the two of us to get back together as well.”
“Okay, you don’t have to go that far,” he conceded. “But maybe it would be worth talking things out with her a little? Seeing where she’s coming from?”
I fell silent. I knew he was right, and that was the frustrating part. I wanted nothing more than for Karla to drop out of my life and out of my son’s life and leave me alone once more, but that wasn’t how this worked. She was back once and for all, and she wasn’t going to leave us alone until she got what she felt like she was owed, a relationship with her child.
“I guess I could,” I muttered, and Raymond nodded.
“Only way to deal with any of this is to jump into it head-on,” he said, and I grimaced.
“Yeah, well, I’m still going to be over here trying to avoid everything if I can.” I cocked an eyebrow, and he chuckled.
“Good luck doing that when I know where you live and need you for babysitting duties,” he warned me, picking up his cutlery as the waiter approached. I managed a smile as he placed our food down in front of us. Sure, this whole thing was more than a bit of a mess, but Raymond was right. The only way through it was to throw myself in headfirst and hope I could find a way out the other side. That meant listening to Karla and finding out precisely what she wanted from me.
48
Autumn
“Miss Becks?”
I looked up from my computer, and my heart sank when I found my gaze meeting Hunter’s. School had gotten out, and he’d ducked back into the classroom for a moment to talk to me. He was the last kid I wanted to see at that moment but at the same time, the only one. I managed to smile at him.
“Hey, Hunter.” I greeted him with as much lightness as I could muster. “Are you all right?”
“I made you this.” He reached into his bag and thrust a piece of paper in my direction. I picked it up and checked it out, turning the orange card over in my hands, and my heart sank when I saw what it was. Just a card, a little one with his spidery handwriting over the front, telling me that he missed me.
“Thank you, Hunter.” I smiled at him, trying to keep the rush of tears that were threatening to take me over at bay. “I really appreciate this.”
He smiled, but he didn’t look satisfied yet.
“I don’t know what my dad did wrong,” he said, “but I’m sorry. I hope you come back soon.”
My heart twisted, and before I could stop myself, I got out of my seat and went to give him a quick hug. I knew I should have sent him away to meet Holden at the gates, but he looked so forlorn standing there in front of me that I couldn’t leave him to it.
“It’s all right, Hunter,” I promised him. “Thank you for the card.”
I drew back from him and found him gazing at me expectantly. I knew he wanted me to tell him I was about to come back, that all of this had been a mistake and I was going to turn around and head back home with him and his father. But I couldn’t as much as I wanted to.
“Spring break’s coming up soon,” I reminded him, trying to cheer him up before he left. “Do you have anything planned?”
“Nothing yet.” He shook his head, still looking a little down.
“I’m sure your dad has something awesome planned for you.” I smiled at him, squeezing his arm. He managed to smile back, but I could tell it was strained.
“You should get going,” I told him, nodding toward the door. “I’m sure your dad will be waiting outside to pick you up.”
With that, he ducked out of the classroom and left me all alone. I had been working on some of the grade curves since class had let out, and it was so much easier now that I was using the program Holden had made for it. Every time I booted up the website he was hosting it on, I felt a little pang, remembering how we had gone through this in his study after he’d cooked me dinner. I just wanted to be near him again, more than anything else in the world. I wanted to feel his arms wrapped tight around me, wanted to rest my head on his chest and tell him I loved him, those words I had been too nervous to say before, certain it was too soon.
“Good evening.” Zoe breezed into the room, flashing me a big smile that dropped suddenly off her face when she saw the expression on mine. “Hey, are you all right?”
“Yeah,” I said with a sigh. I had caught Zoe up with everything that had happened, and she had been so supportive all that time, but it would be impossible to express the mess I found myself in right now.
“You working on the grade curves?” She came around my desk to get a look. “I was too. But mine got done so quickly. This program works so fuckin’ well. I can actually take some time off for spring break this year for a change instead of being stuck at my desk churning out those godforsaken things.”
“Yeah, I’m getting my last few done,” I told her. I had no plans for spring break. I was only planning on lazing around at my house feeling sorry for myself and mulling over what had happened between Holden and me. It was far from healthy, but I needed time to process it properly. I had been throwing myself into work to avoid thinking about it, which was only going to make it harder in the long run. Especially since Hunter was right there every time I came to my job, a potent reminder of what I’d walked away from when I ended things with Holden.
“You going to take some time off?” Zoe asked, flopping down in the seat opposite me and crossing her arms over her chest. I knew she was trying to distract me, and I appreciated the effort to help me out, even though I was having a hard time thinking about anything but Holden and what had happened between us.
“I mean, I guess I should,” I admitted, and I could see her eyes shining with—well, I wasn’t sure what it was, but I had a feeling, given that she was here, that it had something to do with me. I cocked an eyebrow.
“What’s going on?” I asked, and a huge grin spread across Zoe’s face.
“I…” She shook her head and closed her eyes as though savoring this moment before she dropped the news on me. “I want to take you on a trip, Autumn.”
“Like where?” A smile spread over my face, despite my mood.
“Vegas.” She raised her hands as though offering me some sacred gift. My eyebrows shot up, and I burst out laughing.
“Vegas?” I giggled. “You’ve got to be kidding.”
“You’ve never been, have you?” She leaned forward eagerly.
I shook my head. “No, and I can’t say I’ve ever been that interested.”
She lifted a hand to stop me in my tracks. “Trust me, you’ve got no idea what you’re in for. It’s the most fun you’ll have in the states. And it’d be good for you to get away.”
“I’m not looking to go get drunk and sleep with strangers.” I shook my head again. “It’s not my style.”
&nb
sp; “Oh, fuck, me neither,” she agreed. “But there’s so much more to do out there than that. I spend most of the time there lazing around beside the pool and drinking cocktails.”
“Then you actually do the getting drunk bit?” I waggled my eyebrows, and she rolled her eyes playfully.
“So sue me, I like a few mimosas by the water.” She grinned. “Come on, Autumn. We’ll both have the time to spare. Just for a few days. I’ve already booked the hotel.”
“What? Without speaking to me first?”
“Because I knew you’d find some way to talk yourself out of it,” she pointed out. “Like you’re doing right now.”
“Yeah, well, maybe because—”
“Maybe because you were hoping to spend that whole week sitting around at home and mulling over everything that happened with you and Holden?” she asked. I fell silent. She was right. I would have hung around my house feeling sorry for myself and wishing I could be somewhere else. Well, Zoe was offering me that chance for something else. I would have been crazy to turn it down.
“I suppose you’re right.” I finally gave in, and I felt a little flutter of excitement at the thought of it. It could be fun to get out of town, to blow off some steam. It had been a hell of a stressful few months with everything happening, even if most of it had been good stress, and I was already looking forward to leaving that all behind right here and spending more time than was strictly necessary lying around in a bikini and sipping on expensive cocktails. I had a little savings put away, and they weren’t doing anything right now, so I might as well tap into it to show myself a good time for a change.
“We should think about looking at those red-eye flights,” I suggested. “Get something really cheap.”
“Plus it’ll cut the cost of the hotel room if we get in there early,” Zoe pointed out with a smile. “More money for cocktails and cheap bikinis.”