I laughed. “Thanks, man.”
I waited until we’d turned off the roasters for the morning before checking my old phone. The battery had sucked up enough juice for my needs, so I told Sam I’d be back in an hour and hit the road.
Haley had mentioned in passing that her parents had taken a few days off work to support Jess in her first week home, which made my task much easier. I parked the van in front of their house, then walked up to the door and rang the doorbell.
I heard footsteps inside, then a telltale silence as someone checked the peephole. Seconds later the door opened a crack and Lois Elliot stared at me.
“What are you doing here?”
“I came to talk to you and Chris.”
“Well, you can’t be here. Jess is still in bed but she could be up any moment now.”
“Then I guess we’d better do this quickly,” I said calmly.
She sighed. “Look, I’m sure you think you’re riding to Haley’s rescue right now, but the best thing for you to do is to take a big step backward.”
“I’m not here to rescue Haley. Haley’s awesome, a superstar. She doesn’t need my help. I’m here to save you and your husband from fucking up even more than you already have.” I pointed to the garage. “I’m happy to talk in there, so we can be private. But if you want to do it here, that’s okay, too.”
I planted my feet, letting her know I was the immovable object she was about to slam into if she didn’t change her strategy.
She chewed on my offer for a few seconds then jerked her chin toward the garage. “Go on. I’ll go find Chris.”
I nodded, then made my way through the open garage door.
Less than a minute later Chris and Lois Elliot entered via the house, both of them wearing sour expressions.
“We don’t appreciate being leveraged like this, Daniel,” Chris said, all puffed up with big daddy energy.
“I don’t appreciate having to come over and have this conversation, so I guess we’re even,” I said, pulling my old phone out of my back pocket.
“Let’s just get this over with,” Lois said, glancing over her shoulder toward the door, Jess clearly on her mind.
As always.
“I’m not here about the shitty things you said to Haley last night. I’m sure you’re fully aware of how awful it must have been to hear her own parents telling her she wasn’t welcome anymore if she wasn’t prepared to put her own happiness aside for her sister.”
“That’s not what I said,” Lois said, chin high, arms crossed over her chest.
“Bullshit. But like I said, that’s not what I’m here to talk about. I’m here to talk about your other daughter, because I figure that’s where all this shit started.”
I hit the home button to bring my phone to life.
“This is my old phone, from when I was living in New York City. I stored some stuff on here so I could remind myself of the truth if I needed to without it being in my face all the time. As I’m sure you know, the truth becomes a very valuable commodity when you’re living with someone who lies as easily as breathing.”
“If this is a character assassination, I’m not interested,” Lois said, holding up a hand.
I found the text message I was looking for and started reading, ignoring her.
“‘You’re a pathetic piece of shit and I wish I’d never met you. Everything that has gone wrong since we got here is on you. You’re so fucking big and stupid you can’t even get a decent job. Do you know how many guys would love to fuck me? All I have to do is click my fingers and they’d be lining up around the block.’”
I looked up and caught Haley’s parents exchanging glances.
“She sent me this when I told her we couldn’t afford to go to the Hamptons for the weekend.” I found another text. “‘If you leave me I’ll ruin you. I’ll tell everyone you’re doing drugs. I’ll call your parents and tell them you’re sucking dick to pay the rent and—’”
“Okay. I think we get the message,” Chris said, his face pale.
I hit the screen to bring up a photo folder. “This is a screen shot of the Facebook post she made claiming she needed to urgently rehome my dog. This was after I told her I was leaving and left the apartment to avoid another screaming match. I was only gone for a few hours, but it was long enough. When I got back she told me I’d left the door open and Larry had escaped and then got killed by a car.”
To their credit, both Chris and Lois were looking shocked by what I was telling them and showing them, just as Haley had been shocked. I guessed that while Jess had acted out a lot with them over the years, she'd always kept within certain limits. But she’d been anchorless in New York, away from everything familiar, and there had been nothing and no one to hold her back when she became unstable.
They’d never seen what she was capable of when she was at her lowest ebb with no boundaries to constrain her.
“Your daughter has a personality disorder,” I said. “And, yeah, obviously I’m not a qualified professional, but even I know that this is not the behavior of a well-adjusted, balanced person. She needs help.”
Lois inhaled noisily, her nostrils flaring. “Do you think we haven’t tried that? She won’t go.”
“Try again. Do whatever it takes to save your family. Because you’re going to lose Haley if you keep treating her like an afterthought. Your gorgeous, lovable, sweet, dutiful, selfless daughter who has never asked for anything for herself, who has taken a backseat to Jess her whole life.”
“That’s not true. Haley knows we love her,” Lois said, clearly stung by my observation.
“Does she? Pretty sure she’s grappling with some serious doubts on that subject after you told her to disappear if she wasn’t prepared to toe the party line last night.”
“That’s not what we said,” Chris said, bristling.
“Haley spent half of last night trying to justify your behavior to herself. Explaining how you’d been wrecked to find Jess after her suicide attempt. How you never talked about it, but she knew that you were determined for it to never happen again.”
“That’s right. That’s exactly right,” Lois said.
“So get help. Stop pretending she’ll grow out of it. She might, who fucking knows? But in the meantime she’s going to keep hurting herself and others. Get help so that Haley can stop being her sister’s keeper, and you guys can stop lying awake at night worrying about Jess hurting herself again. Get help so the next ten years of your lives—all of your lives—don’t look like the last ten.”
Nobody said anything for a long moment.
“You don’t understand,” Lois finally said, lifting her hand to squeeze the bridge of her nose. Desperately trying not to lose it, if I was any judge. “She said if we made her go back she’d hurt herself again. And this time she’d make sure.”
“Jess makes a lot of threats,” I said. “Talk to the experts. Find a way through this that doesn’t mean Haley has to keep paying the price.”
I’d had my say, so I handed my phone to Chris. “There’s plenty more here if you need more evidence.”
Chris looked at the screen, then handed it back to me. “I think we’ve both heard enough.”
Lois was red-eyed, her face tight with some emotion I couldn’t identify. Anger? Grief? Fear?
Maybe all three.
“I need to go check on Jess,” she said, then slipped into the house.
I eyed Haley’s father. “I’m going to do everything in my power to make sure Haley has a happy life,” I said. “Don’t make me do that despite you guys. She loves you like crazy.”
I left, walking down the driveway to the street. I hoped I’d gotten through to Haley’s parents, but I wasn’t entirely sure how much had sunk in. They’d been busy chafing at being called on their shit.
I just hoped they had the balls to think about what I’d said once they’d gotten over themselves.
In the meantime, I would not be mentioning this visit to Haley. She didn’t need yet anothe
r reason to feel let down by her parents if they failed to act.
38
Haley
The Bean was jumping all morning, a major blessing because I didn’t want or need the time to let my thoughts get away from me. Beck and I had hashed out my concerns about my family last night, but my internal worry hamster kept churning its wheel.
I tried hard to be my normal cheery self, but Audrey checked in on me twice to see how I was doing, clearly sensing something was up. I reassured her, telling her I’d simply had a bad night’s sleep.
I was clearing a four-top, my arms laden with dishes, when I turned and spotted my mother waiting by the register. Her face was pinched and pale, and for the first time I noticed how thin and tired she looked. She was only in her midforties, but the last few years had taken a toll on her.
I guess they’d taken a toll on all of us, really.
Our gazes met across the crowded shop, and I steadied the plates in my hands and headed for the counter.
“Mom. Is everything okay?” I asked.
“Yes. I was hoping you and I could talk when you get off your shift at twelve,” she said, her hands pressed tightly together in front of her. It took me a second to understand she was nervous.
“I don’t get off till one,” I said, not entirely sure I was ready to talk to her yet.
I was still feeling pretty raw. But on the other hand, she was here. Reaching out. Or maybe not reaching out, depending on the reason for her visit.
I expected her to suggest I come by the house afterward, but she gave a quick nod. “That’s okay, I’ll wait.”
And that’s what she did. She went outside and sat in her car, and every time I glanced out the front door or went to check on the patio tables she was there, sitting patiently. Waiting.
I got more and more tense as it got closer to one, the hamster wheel churning with gusto. Had something else come up with Jess? Was she here to try to convince me, once again, to put my relationship with Beck on hold?
I really hoped not.
Finally, my shift ended and I handed things over to Zara. My mother must have seen me winding things up because she was standing by her car when I exited the Bean.
“Why don’t we walk down to the river?” she suggested.
I handed her the muffin I’d bought for her. “You missed lunch.”
She looked startled, then she closed her eyes for a long beat. When she opened them again, her eyes were watery with unshed tears.
“Oh, Haley.” She managed to get a grip on herself and gestured for us to start walking.
For a few seconds the only sound was the crunch of gravel underfoot and the cries of children playing tag on the patio.
“Daniel came to see us this morning,” Mom said.
“Beck?” I asked, startled.
“He was very insistent about filling your father and me in on what had happened between him and Jess in New York.”
I frowned. “That must have been hard to hear.”
“It was.”
We reached the bench overlooking the river and we both sat, our gazes fixed on the fast-moving water below.
“I think I’ve been very naive,” my mother said after a short silence. “I imagined that our phone calls and visits were managing to keep Jess grounded. Stable. But she was just telling us what she wanted us to hear.”
“She’s always been a great liar,” I said.
“Yes. She has. I want to apologize for not listening to what you tried to tell us last night. I was so focused on Jess—but you know that already, because that’s the way it always is, isn’t it?”
I shot my mother a look, surprised by the admission.
“Your father and I had a big talk after Daniel left.” My mother sighed and reached up to wipe away a tear. “I promised myself I wasn’t going to cry.”
“Go for it,” I said. “I probably will.”
She huffed out a little laugh and gave me a warmly appreciative look. “You’ve always had a good sense of humor.”
“Have I?”
“You used to laugh in your crib, just playing with your mobile. It was such a relief having such a happy baby, because Jess had been a handful. Colic, and trouble sleeping, and teething issues. It was almost as though you sensed we already had more than we could handle and you were just...calm. And so easily pleased. You’ve never really changed, no matter what life has thrown at you. You just keep on keeping on. I think that’s why it was so easy for us to concentrate on your sister.” My mother caught herself, shaking her head. “That makes it sound like I’m making excuses, and I promised myself I wouldn’t do that. I should have been more aware of things. Both your father and I should have.”
“Jess was a lot of work,” I said, because I’d been there, too.
“She was. She still is. But that’s no excuse. We should have gotten Jess help long ago, when she was in her teens. It was obvious then that she found the world overwhelming at times. I kept hoping that she’d mature and grow out of it, but she didn’t. She got worse.” My mother stared down at her hands, twisting her wedding ring back and forth. “When Daniel read us the text messages she’d sent him when they were living together... I was so appalled, Haley. So embarrassed that she could be so savage and intent on hurting someone she claimed to love. And what she tried to do with his dog... It makes me ill to think of it.”
This was what I’d wanted to hear from her last night and it emboldened me to challenge her.
Why not? I didn’t feel as though I had anything to lose right now.
“So what are we going to do about it?” I asked.
My mother smiled faintly. “If that’s not classic Haley, stepping up to the plate to shoulder some of the burden. What your father and I are going to do is find someone who can help us. I’ve asked the guidance counselor at work to recommend someone locally who specializes in personality disorders, and we’ve got an appointment with her next week. Jess will be resistant, but we’re not going to let it drop this time. We’ll go on our own if we have to and try to work out some strategies to get Jess to accept help. We’ve let things slide long enough. It’s time to shine some light in the dark corners.”
“I think that’s great,” I said honestly. “Really, really great.”
“The other thing we’ll be doing this afternoon is sitting down with Jess to tell her about you and Daniel.” My mother shifted on the bench to face me, her eyes swimming again. “I should never have said those things to you last night, Haley. I should never have asked you to put your own happiness at risk so we could spare Jess, and I should never have told you to stay away. You’re entitled to your life, to your happiness. And we want you to be happy more than anything. I know that might be hard to believe after the way I behaved last night, but it’s true. I spent all of last night feeling sick to my stomach about what I said to you. Hearing that won’t mean much to you, given how awful I was, but I want you to know that your father and I are committed to facing things head on, and to making sure that you know how much we love and appreciate you. Because we do. So much.”
She was crying in earnest now and I slipped my arm around her shoulders, even though she tried to shrug me off.
“No, don’t comfort me, I’m supposed to be making you feel better,” she wailed.
“We can make each other feel better,” I said, and she finally relaxed against me.
“I’m so sorry, Haley,” she said, misery thinning her voice. “I was speaking out of pure fear and exhaustion last night. When we got to New York your sister hadn’t showered in days. Her clothes stank, and she’d been drinking. Honestly, it’s a wonder her friend let her stay. And the state of the apartment when we finally convinced Jonny to let us in to pack her things... Just awful. There’s not a doubt in my mind that he’s got issues, too. He’d have to in order to be living like that.”
“Poor Jess,” I said, because despite everything, I understood that this was not the way my sister would choose to live her life if she had any real say in t
he matter.
“Yes. But she’s not helpless. She’s managed to live in New York for four years. She’s had work; she’s made friends. If we can just get her the help she needs to support her, surely we can find a way for her to function in a healthy way. A safe way.”
I could hear the plea for reassurance behind my mother’s words.
“We can only try,” I said. “But first we have to convince Jess to try, too.”
“I know.” My mother sighed heavily. Then she gave herself a shake. “This wasn’t supposed to be about Jess. I’m sorry. It’s such an ingrained habit to worry about her.”
“Can I make a suggestion? While you’re looking into this therapist for Jess, maybe it might help for you and Dad to talk to someone, too. About that night, and all the other stuff from over the years.”
My mother was still for a moment, then she nodded. “I think that’s a very good idea, Haley.”
I smiled and blinked away a sudden, hot rush of tears, because I could see how hard she was trying, how committed she was to changing.
“Good. What you two went through that night was huge and awful. It’s a lot to carry around with you.”
My mother’s focus was inward as she stared at the river. “The thing that always haunts me was what would have happened if I hadn’t gone in to say goodnight to her. I could have gone straight to bed. But it was only eleven, and I figured she would probably still be up. The light was on. I could see it under the door.”
My mother fell silent, and I knew she was lost in the old, painful memory.
“We’re all lucky you checked,” I said.
“I can’t bear to think about the alternative.”
We were both silent for a few beats, then my mother sat up a little straighter.
“Thank you for being open to this conversation, Haley. I know I probably deserve for you to ignore me for a couple of years after last night.”
“Don’t be silly. I love you guys like crazy.”
“We love you, too, darling. So, so much. You’ve always been our little star, shining brightly on everything. I don’t think I’ve ever told you how much I admire how tenacious and patient and determined you are. When you want something, you never give up, and it’s been a real privilege to watch you grow into such an amazing young woman.”
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