“Sure, let me get up and get ready.” I sit up and stretch, then climb from the bed. I gather my clothes and head into the bathroom. Jacob follows me in. I turn and give him a questioning look. “Everything okay?”
“Yeah, just wanted to tell you I love you.”
“I love you, too.” I kiss him softly on the lips before starting the shower.
Dinner was great that night. We had a quiet meal at one of our favorite Chinese restaurants. I haven’t really had any cravings yet, or at least not that I have noticed. The rest of the evening we just spent at home enjoying each other and making plans for our new little bundle. It’s never too early to plan and we are both so excited. Only seven more months to go and I am hoping they go by fast.
Later that night, lying in bed with my head on Jacob’s chest, his arm firmly around me, I allow my mind to look into the future. To look at the life I now have and to really see how lucky I am. Even with the tragic loss of my daughter, I still feel blessed in this moment. You never really get over a loss like that, no one can ever take Linsdey’s place, but I realize my heart is bigger than I once believed it to be. And for that, I am grateful.
November 2004
The past few months were very busy for me and they have flown by. I am still working at the boutique in town, at least until I am in my last month. I was very lucky to only have minimal morning sickness and I have had no problems with this pregnancy. So far, everything has been smooth sailing. Later today, Jacob and I are going to my doctor for an ultrasound. We want to know, if we can, if we are having a boy or a girl. I would love to be able to get started on the nursery, but I need to know what we are having first. I am very anxious to find out and Jacob is beyond ecstatic. I don’t think that man has stopped smiling since the day we found out. He tells everyone he sees that he is going to be a dad, even though I am pretty sure my swollen belly gives that away.
Walking into the exam room, I get up on the table and wait for the doctor to come in. Jacob pulls the chair up next to the exam table and takes a seat. I am so excited and nervous, my palms have grown sweaty. I wipe them on my pants and take in a few deep breaths. After a few minutes, the doctor comes in.
“Good Afternoon, you two. How are you feeling, Anna?” he asks.
“Very nervous but very excited. Other than that I have been feeling very well. No problems at all.” I glance at Jacob when I hear him chuckle.
“What?” I ask him, raising an eyebrow.
“Nothing, I was just thinking of how you out eat me now,” he says still smiling.
“Jacob Michael Caulder!” I scold. “I am eating for two so I have to eat more,” I say, trying to act as though his words have bothered me and failing miserably. I can’t help smiling back at him. He has been teasing me my whole pregnancy about my eating habits. I find it funny and I’m not offended by it at all. Besides, I love to eat so he is right about me putting more food away than him.
“So,” the doctor interrupts our playful banter, “anyone ready to find out what the sex of this baby is today?”
“Yes!” I say at the same time Jacob says “Of course!”
The doctor pokes his head out of the door and calls for the ultrasound technician to come in. Once she has the machine set up, she puts a cold gel on my tummy and uses the device to show us our baby. At first, the little one doesn’t want to cooperate, keeping its knees together and blocking our view. The technician tries for a few minutes to get the baby to reveal its sex, to no avail. I start to get disappointed that we have a stubborn baby who refuses to show us if it’s a he or she. The technician bounces the probe of the device one time on top of my belly and the baby’s knees fall open.
“It’s a boy!” she says, very enthusiastically.
Jacob leans over and kisses me, once, twice, three times every so gently on the lips.
“I have a son,” he whispers. I am too emotional to speak. Lindsey has a brother, Jacob and I have a son, and I couldn’t be happier. Tears make their way out of the corner of my eyes and roll down and drop to the table below me. I can’t help the smile that has crossed my face.
After we left the doctor’s office, I was eager to get started on the nursery. Jacob and I went to Babies R Us and did some shopping for our son. The theme of the room is monkeys and we found some really cute crib sheets, furniture and decorations for the room. We bought a few clothes and a car seat as well, then headed home. We spent the evening putting together the crib and setting up the nursery. By the time it was done, I was exhausted and went to bed. I fell asleep with a smile on my face wrapped in my husband’s arms.
Chapter Five
May 14th, 2005
Nothing can compare to the joy Jacob and I have felt over the last nine months waiting on our little bundle of joy. Since we found out when I was five months along that we are having a son, we have been having a tough time picking a name. Arguing over the names was the fun part. I know, arguing isn’t supposed to be fun, maybe it was more like debating. Some of the names he came up with were so off the wall, I wondered if he was aiming to have a son that would be teased for the rest of his life. We finally found a name that we both loved. Now, we are just waiting for Braxton Shane Caulder to arrive.
It’s when I am doing the dishes, that the first contraction hits me. I check the time so I can monitor how far apart they are should another hit me. Five minutes later, I am again contracting. I have always heard that it goes faster with your second child. I shut the water off, dry my hands, and then call Jacob.
“It’s time. My contractions are five minutes apart,” I tell him.
“I am on my way. Call the doctor and let him know we are heading to the hospital as soon as I get there.”
“Okay, I love you.”
“I love you, too, Anna. I’ll be there soon,” he says, then hangs up.
I call the doctor to inform him that we should be at the hospital in about thirty minutes or so. Luckily, Jacob was off work today and was just in town picking up something for dinner. Next, I call Amy. She and Shane will meet us up at the hospital. Jacob comes running into the house just as I hang up with Amy.
“You ready?” he asks. He is running around like a lost puppy. Not knowing what his next move should be.
“Jacob, it’s fine. Grab the bag from our room, please?” I ask. He goes into our room, grabs the bag and is running back through the living room on his way to the front door. I can’t help but laugh at him a little. I follow behind him out to his truck. He helps me in and then runs around to the driver’s side. Then we are off to the hospital to welcome our little boy.
Arriving at the hospital, we are greeted by a couple of nurses and my doctor. They get me in a wheel chair and I am wheeled to the labor and delivery floor and into a room. Once settled in my bed, all hooked up to the IV and monitors, all I can do now is wait. My contractions are now coming fast and hard, every two minutes. I am waiting for them to come give me the epidural, which I hope they hurry and get here with it. This pain is knocking the wind out of me. I do know that it will all be worth it soon and that keeps me focused and hanging on.
After the epidural, things moved more quickly and before I knew it, it was time to push. Thirty-six minutes later, Braxton made his entrance into the world letting out the loudest cry I have ever heard from a newborn. The nurses cleaned him up and placed him in my arms. His little blue eyes looked around taking in all of the new things he was seeing. He didn’t really have any hair, other than a few sprigs of blonde on the top. His chubby cheeks were adorable. His lips were the same as Jacob’s, plush and perfectly arched. I fell in love with him before he was born, but that intensified tenfold the moment I laid eyes on him. Jacob had tears streaming down his face. That is the only time I have ever seen him cry, and I have to admit, it was a beautiful sight to see him so happy with his son, his emotions on display for everyone to witness.
Amy and Shane came to see me and the baby. I knew she would be the same with Braxton as she had been with Lindsey. Braxton seemed c
ontent in her arms as she rocked him back and forth singing a lullaby to him. He’s not even a day old and already, Amy is spoiling him.
“Anna, he’s a beautiful baby. He looks like his daddy, but he has Lindsey’s eyes,” Amy says. Her look turns to disbelief at what she has said.
“It’s okay, Amy. He does have her eyes,” I say, and smile at my lifelong friend trying to alleviate any worry about the comment that she made. I don’t want my friends to be afraid to mention Lindsey. Amy smiles back at me and returns to singing her lullaby.
Once I was able to leave the hospital, Jacob and I got into a routine. He was so helpful with feedings and changings. He didn’t get grossed out over dirty diapers or when Braxton spit up on him. He is a wonderful dad to our son. Watching Braxton grow day by day is amazing. This has been different for me since I have Jacob here with me. I was so use to doing everything on my own since Lindsey’s father wasn’t around much and didn’t help with taking care of her. I have been blessed with Jacob. Every day he shows me how much he loves me and Braxton.
Jacob is staying home with Braxton while Amy and I go shopping. Now that I am somewhat back to my normal weight, I need some new clothes. My closet is going to be overflowing, but when you are between the two sizes you wear, that tends to happen. We stop in at the local deli and order a sandwich. We find a table and sit down to enjoy a quick lunch before we go home.
“Do you think you bought enough clothes?” Amy asks.
“One can never have too many outfits, Amy,” I say, smiling. I may have went a little overboard. “If I bought too many, then it’s your fault.”
“Hey now, I only told you what you would look hot in,” Amy says, defending herself.
“True, but I couldn’t resist them, especially if I look hot in them,” I smile at my best friend waggling my eyebrows at her. This gets a fully belly laugh from her and I join in.
Amy’s face takes on a serious expression. She looks down at the table and then back to me.
“I am really glad to see you happy, Anna. It looks good on you. For a long time, I was so worried about you.”
“I am happy. I still wish every single day that Lindsey was here with me, but I know now that I can’t live like that. I have you and Shane to thank for a lot of that. For always pushing me to keep going. I don’t think I ever really told you thank you,” I say to her. I can see the tears she is trying to hold back.
“Anna, I love you. You have always been like a sister to me. Shane and I would have done, and still will do anything to help you. But,” She pauses. “I think a lot of your help came from Jacob. That man loves you so much, anyone can see it. He is the one who put you back together again. He is the reason you smile so much. He is the reason I have my friend back. He’s your glue.”
I dab my napkin under my eyes and reach across the table to take Amy’s hand.
“I love you, too, Amy. Jacob is who put me back together again, but it was you and Shane who picked me up.”
We finish our lunch on a much lighter note, but Amy’s words lodge their way into my heart. Jacob may be my rock, but Amy is my olive branch. Always extending to me a limb that I can grab on to. I am grateful for her friendship and kindred spirit.
Walking into my living room later that afternoon, I stop in awe of Jacob sound asleep in the recliner, Braxton, asleep across his chest. Our days are filled with smiles and are hearts filled with happiness. Although the nights are a little restless, getting up with Braxton to feed him, I wouldn’t change this for the world. I never knew love like this could exist, that is until I met Jacob. He is epitome of what love is all about, not only with me, but with our son. I believe my heart is finally healed from the pain I went through. The scar remains as it always will, now covered by the love of our family.
When I think of all the times I thought of giving up, when life didn’t seem worth living anymore, I see what I would have missed out on. How anything other than living would have been the wrong choice to make. I know that Jacob was put into my life for a reason. He saved me from myself and gave me something that, after Lindsey’s death, I didn’t think was possible. I wasn’t even sure it was something I wanted. I was too wrapped up and entangled in a depression so deep and dark, that all I wanted was to be with Lindsey. I know I owe Jacob my life. Because of him, I have more than I could have imagined. I have happiness and I am at peace with what happened to Lindsey.
Chapter Six
Present Day
As my eyes become seemingly heavier, I let them fall shut. I hear Amy rustling in the chair, standing up, and moving across the room. The sounds of her footsteps are low, followed by the click of the door shutting behind her. I feel a warm, comforting hand glide down my cheek and I lean into the warmth, savoring the feel on my skin. Soft lips press against my temple in the lightest of kisses.
“I love you, Anna. I’m just going to grab some food for me and Braxton. You sleep, Sunshine.”
“’Kay,” I whisper back as sleep pulls me under its spell. I’m not sure how long I was asleep for. When I open my eyes, I see the faces of my family, both by blood and those who, over the years, became my family. I attempt a smile, however weak, and manage it.
“Come on, Brax, let’s go check out that new video game store and give your mom and Amy some time, okay?”
“Okay. I love you, Mom,” Braxton says, leaning over and kissing me on the cheek.
“I love you, too, son.”
“We’ll be back after a while. I love you.” And with that, both of the men in my life turn and walk out of the door.
“You ready?” Amy inquires.
“Yes, I am.”
November 11th 2005
It didn’t take long for Braxton to make his way into the hearts of all of those around us. Amy, as I knew she would, spoiled him every chance she got. He wanted for nothing. Every time Amy would go shopping, Braxton went with her. He never failed to return home without something new, or a few new somethings. I believe that is just the way Amy intended it to be. Since she doesn’t have kids of her own yet, not that she doesn’t want them, she takes every chance to have Braxton with her that she can.
“Amy, don’t you think it’s a little bit early to be planning a birthday party for Braxton?” I ask my friend while we sat at the kitchen table.
“It’s never too early, Anna. Besides, I want it to be perfect for him. It’s his first birthday,” she answers. I can see the wheels turning in her mind as she thinks of all of things she can do to make Braxton’s party perfect.
“That I understand, but his birthday is still six months away!” I remind her, smiling as her lips turn into a mischievous grin.
“Right! And I am going to need all of that time to plan the best birthday party any one year old has ever had.”
It’s best not to argue with Amy when she is in planning mode, or when she sets her mind to something. It wouldn’t do any good anyways. She would still plan and you would wind up loving it.
After Amy went home, I decided to read a little while Braxton napped. I have learned, since Braxton keeps me busy, to squeeze in my favorite hobby when I can. I make myself comfortable on the couch, pull a throw blanket over my legs and settle in to the romance of Nick and Shea in Wine & Whiskey by author Nikki Belaire. I am so lost in Shea’s seduction of Nick, that I don’t realize Jacob is standing in front of me until I feel his fingers brush my cheek.
“Oh! You startled me,” I say to him, catching my breath from being caught completely off guard.
“Sorry babe. That must be some book if you didn’t even hear me come in,” Jacob says, he smiles and my heartrate picks up.
“It’s one of the best I have read in a while.” I return his smile. Moving the blanket from my legs, I set my kindle down on the end table. “I’ll make us some dinner. Can you check on Braxton? He’s only been asleep for about,” I pause, then look to the clock. “Forty-five minutes or so.”
“Of course. How’s my little man been today?”
“Happy as usua
l. I am sure he wants to see his daddy. I missed you today,” I say, standing and then wrapping my arms around his waist.
“I missed you, too.” Jacob places his hands on my cheeks, his thumbs stroking back and forth over them. His lips descend on mine in one of the sweetest kisses. His lips are so soft, sliding perfectly over mine and just as his tongue seeks to part my lips, Braxton’s cry fills the quiet of the house.
“Guess that will have to be continued later,” he says. His smile is bright while his eyes dance with amusement at our interruption.
“I hope that’s a promise, Mr. Caulder.”
“You can count on it, baby,” he says. His arms fall from my face as he turns to go and get Braxton.
I made Braxton a bottle and opened a jar of mashed potatoes baby food, which Jacob is now feeding him. I’m not sure how Jacob can make such a mess with the mashed potatoes, but he manages it nicely. I stir the noodles in the pot and tell Jacob about Amy’s plans for Braxton’s extravagant birthday party.
“Isn’t it a little too soon for that?” he asks, raising an eyebrow at me. He has learned Amy’s quirky personality and how big of a planner she is.
“That’s what I asked her. According to her, it’s never too soon. She says she needs the time to make it perfect.”
“Does that bother you? Having her plan his first birthday?”, he questions me.
“Not really. I know Amy will include me in it. It’s not like she is saying ‘hands off’ or that she doesn’t want my help. Besides, you have seen the parties she throws. Does it bother you?” I ask him. I didn’t think about how Jacob would feel.
“No, Anna. My top priority is to make sure that you and Braxton are always happy and taken care of. If you are happy with it, I have no problem.”
My heart melts into a puddle in my chest at his words. I don’t think I have ever met a man who is more caring or sincere than Jacob.
Finding Strength Page 3