by Iris Gower
‘That’s all in the past,’ Watt said. ‘Pearl and Lily never got on, your mother resented it when I praised Lily’s work. But she is really talented, it’s a pity to see such talent going to waste.’
‘Well she looks too old for you, Watt, she’s all skin and bone and shadows.’
Watt hid a smile, Rosie was jealous of Lily. ‘I did think I loved Lily once,’ he said, ‘but that was a long time ago. Now I know better.’
‘Go on!’ she said and Watt noticed her tone was acid. ‘I saw the way you looked at her, you fancy her, don’t deny it!’
‘I don’t!’ he protested. ‘I’m not the young fool I was. I’m more mature now.’
Rosie smiled, her eyes lighting up with laughter. ‘Do you want to know a joke?’ she said.
‘Aye, go on then.’
‘What’s the difference between a man and a cheese?’
‘I don’t know.’ Watt humoured her. ‘But I suppose you are going to tell me.’
‘A cheese matures!’ Rosie pushed Watt’s arm and giggled like the young girl she was. She was so sweet, so unspoiled, and he had to agree that compared to Rosie’s fresh, youthful appearance Lily had looked careworn and sickly. Still, he had felt something stir within him, something of the old attraction. It had been a dangerous attraction though and he was not going to fall into that trap again.
Llinos watched as Joe sank into his chair. She handed him a glass of port and he took it, swirling the ruby drink around and peering into its depths as if he could read his future there. Being Joe, perhaps he could.
‘I’m so glad you came to see us, Joe.’
He nodded but did not reply. He appeared worried, as unsure about the future as she was. He was obviously unhappy and Llinos wanted to force him to talk to her about the other woman in his life but she dare not. What if he told her the marriage was over, that he had tired of her and wanted a different sort of life for himself? What if he walked out of her life never to come back?
She swallowed her pain. ‘Had a good business trip?’ He had been away for days and it was like a knife turning within her as she thought of him with another woman. He had bathed and changed his dusty clothes before joining Llinos and Charlotte for the meal but, since then, he had been uncommunicative, unwilling or unable to talk to her.
He sighed and looked across the room into the fire. ‘It went all right, I suppose.’
She wanted him to say it was good to be back home, that his madness was over but he did no such thing. ‘Aren’t you going to look in on your son?’ she asked, forcing a note of brightness into her tone. ‘Lloyd has missed you very much, Joe.’
She knew what she was doing; she was trying to bind him to her with his love for Lloyd. It was the act of a desperate woman and she admitted to herself that she was desperate.
‘I looked in on him when I bathed,’ he said and tipped up the glass, sipping a little of his drink.
They sat in silence for a while and then Llinos took a deep breath. ‘I’ve asked Watt to take more responsibility for the pottery.’ She spoke softly, wanting him to look at her with love as he used to. She needed his love like she needed water to live, what had she done to lose it?
‘Good.’ He was not really listening to what she was saying. She had tried to please him, tried to do what he wanted in spite of her own feelings, and he was not even listening! Suddenly she was furious with him.
‘I’ve had enough of this!’ She rose to her feet, glad that Charlotte had decided to go to bed early. She was so incensed by Joe’s attitude that she must tell him so or she would break up into thousands of little pieces.
‘You are away most of the time, leaving me to bring up our son alone. When you are here you look as if you would prefer to be somewhere else, so why don’t you go?’
‘Not now, Llinos,’ he said. ‘I’m not in the mood for a row.’
‘And I’m not in the mood to be ignored any longer.’ She wanted to slap his handsome, golden face. In that moment, she felt she hated him. What she really hated was his indifference to her.
‘Why don’t you go and stay with that other woman, Joe?’ she demanded. He rose to his feet and moved to pour himself another drink.
‘I can’t explain about her, you wouldn’t understand, but being with her is something I just can’t help.’
‘Ah, that’s what they all say, isn’t it, the men who cheat on their wives. They hide their guilt by pretending the woman is to blame in some way. You are hateful Joe! I can’t bear to look at you, do you know that?’
He spun round to face her. ‘Stop it, Llinos!’ She had never seen Joe so angry with her. His eyes blazed like fires. ‘If you have finished telling me how low you think I’ve sunk in your estimation then I’ll take my drink and go to bed.’
‘Aye, go to bed; you never share mine any more, do you?’
He strode to the door, his dark hair swinging on his shoulders, his drink trembling in the glass.
‘Don’t walk out on me, Joe Mainwaring!’ But he did just that, closing the door in her outraged face, Llinos picked up a glass and threw it and it shattered, the pieces falling like diamonds onto the carpet. She put her hands over her face, trying to hold back the tears but they came anyway, hot and bitter and, sinking into a chair, she sobbed as though her heart was broken.
Later, as she tried to sleep in the large bed without the warmth from Joe’s body to comfort her, she tried yet again to understand what had gone wrong.
‘Fool!’ she whispered. He had another woman, that was what had gone wrong. He had never lied to her before but then nor had he shut her out of his life the way he was doing now.
On an impulse, she got up from bed and slipped into the dressing room. She heard sounds of his regular breathing and knew he was asleep. How could he sleep, how dare he sleep when she was so overwrought? She hesitated, wondering if she should slip into bed beside him. But what if he rejected her? Feeling worse than ever, she made her way back to her own bed.
She ordered breakfast in her room. She felt unable to face the day, her eyes were red from weeping and the pain inside her would not go away. Rosie carried in the tray and set it on the table, looking at Llinos with a frown.
‘Are you all right, Mrs Mainwaring?’
‘I’m just fine, Rosie. Go on, back downstairs, have your own breakfast, I’m sure you must be hungry by now.’
Llinos ate very little of the toasted bread and sizzling bacon but was comforted by the warmth of the tea. Last night, she had lost her temper and all she had achieved was to drive the wedge deeper between Joe and her.
Eira brought Lloyd to kiss her good morning and Llinos realized that her son was dressed for the outdoors.
‘Where are you going, Lloyd? Walking with Eira again?’
‘Father is taking me out today. Are you feeling sickly, Mamma?’ he asked, resting his head against her breast. ‘Father says you need to rest a lot and I’m not to bother you.’
‘You don’t bother me!’ Llinos said hugging her son. ‘I love you so much, Lloyd, do you know that? Now, if you want to go out you may go but as it’s raining today, wouldn’t you prefer to stay indoors and let Eira give you some painting lessons?’
‘Lloyd needs a change from lessons, Mrs Mainwaring,’ Eira said. ‘I think he should go out more. So long as he wraps up well the rain won’t hurt him.’
‘Perhaps you’re right, Eira.’ Llinos wished Eira was older, married and as used to the ways of men as she was to children, then she could have asked her advice about Joe. Strange, Llinos had never felt the lack of a female companion before; she had been content in her marriage and her motherhood and her work. Eynon had been the only friend she had ever wanted. Now even he was otherwise occupied and with a married woman at that. Were all men born womanizers?
Eira led Lloyd towards the door; she paused and looked back at Llinos. ‘Mr Mainwaring has sent the other tutor away,’ she said. ‘He thinks that, between us, he and I can do the job just as well.’
The door closed be
hind Eira before Llinos had time to take in what she had said. How dare Joe take matters into his own hands? It was she who arranged Lloyd’s lessons, she who should hire and fire his tutors. But a small warm glow lit within her; Joe clearly intended to spend a great deal of his time at home in future.
Llinos slipped out of bed and began to wash. The water in the jug had gone a little cold but it would have to do. As she dressed, Llinos wondered how she could talk to Pearl about Joe. Pearl was wise and perhaps a little cynical about men and outspoken with it. She would not hesitate to offer an opinion. But then Pearl had not been well lately and she had her own troubles. Llinos sighed. She had no right to burden others with her problems.
Perhaps she should just face facts; Joe had grown tired of her, their old closeness was gone. The magical quality they shared of knowing each other’s thoughts had vanished like the mists off the river when the sun came out. He was preoccupied with thoughts of another woman and the pain of it was almost physical.
Charlotte poked her head round the bedroom door. ‘Aren’t you well, Llinos, my dear?’ Charlotte still could not pronounce the double ‘L’ in Llinos’s name. ‘I must say you look as if you’ve had a terrible night. Did I hear raised voices when I was in bed?’
She sat down on the chair near the window. ‘Tell me to mind my own business if you like, what is wrong between you and Joe?’
The gentle sympathy in Charlotte’s tone was enough to bring the tears flooding to Llinos’s eyes.
‘Don’t cry, there’s nothing that can’t be solved when two people love each other the way you and Joe do.’
Llinos looked at Charlotte frowning worriedly and held her tongue. How could Llinos tell his sister that Joe, the perfect brother, was being unfaithful to his wife? She tried to wipe away the tears.
‘Come on, talk to me about it, I’m an old woman, I might just be able to help you.’
Charlotte patted Llinos’s back, treating her like a little girl. It was a good feeling to be mothered. Llinos, the strong independent business woman, was at her weakest now.
‘It’s Joe,’ she said at last. ‘I think . . . Oh, I don’t know, he’s changed.’ She looked up at her sister-in-law. ‘I’m worried about him.’
‘There’s nothing wrong with him. He still loves you, any fool can see that,’ Charlotte said firmly.
A glimmer of hope entered Llinos’s heart. ‘What is it then? He won’t talk to me and I can’t seem to get through to him any more.’
Charlotte shook her head. ‘Joe is a strong healthy man, whatever is wrong it’s not his health. Could he be having business problems?’
Llinos shook her head. ‘Joe is very rich and very clever with his money, you know that, Charlotte.’
‘Even clever people can lose their fortunes, my dear, it’s happened many times before and will happen again I’ve no doubt.’
‘That could be it, I suppose.’ Llinos could not look Charlotte in the eyes; she hated to deceive her.
‘I would just sit tight and bide my time if I were you,’ Charlotte said. ‘A man needs his own thinking time, especially a man like Joe.’ She smiled. ‘He is still the Mandan Indian, you know, he’s American Indian in spite of the blood of his white father running in him. Don’t try to understand him, not just now. And remember, the last thing a man wants is to face a barrage of questions.’
Llinos forced a smile. ‘Have you seen Joe this morning?’
‘I saw him go out with Lloyd,’ Charlotte said. ‘Those two look so good together. Just be patient, my dear, let Joe sort out his own problems and be waiting to take him into your arms when he does.’ She rose to her feet.
‘Now, why don’t you spend the day resting in your room? Try to take things easy for a change. It’s not that long since you went through a very trying time losing that sweet baby. Joe is affected by all that too, I’m sure; you both need time to recover properly.’ She looked at the barely touched tray on the bedside table.
‘And you must eat, do you understand?’
‘Yes, Mother,’ Llinos said in an attempt at lightness. ‘I’ll be a good girl and do as you say and perhaps things will come right.’ But even as she spoke, Llinos had very little hope that her optimistic words held any real meaning. Joe had gone far away from her and she felt she would never get him back.
‘What’s wrong, Mam, have you got a bad head again?’ Rosie put the heavy basket on the kitchen table with a sigh of relief.
‘You’re awful pale, Mam, are you sure you’re not sickening for something?’ She looked down at her mother, a worried expression on her face. ‘Why don’t you have the day off? Mrs Mainwaring will understand, you know how kind she is. She’s sent you these things, look.’ She removed the snow-white cloth from over the basket. ‘Fresh butter, some eggs and some veg. The pottery won’t fall to bits without you, Mam, you should stay home if your head is bad.’
‘It’s only a bit of a chill, cariad, and I have to go to work. What would they do if Pearl wasn’t there to chivvy them along? Anyway, we need the money, don’t we?’
‘Well, it’s a bit better now, Mam. I bring in money as well.’
‘Aye and talking about that, you’d better get back up to the big house. Tell Mrs Mainwaring that I’m grateful for her trouble but I’ll be all right once I get myself together.’
‘I’ll wait for you,’ Rosie said. ‘We’ll walk down the hill together.’
‘Aye, all right then, perhaps the fresh air will do me good.’ She sniffed. ‘Not that it’s very fresh round here, mind, not with the works spewing out filth day and night.’
They walked away from the crowded huddle of houses on Greenhill arm-in-arm. They were two very different women, Pearl, large, buxom, and Rosie tiny, delicate.
The empty basket bumped against Rosie’s side as she walked but she was happy. She thought of Watt, she was thinking of him a great deal lately, ever since he had come to her birthday party. He had looked so different from when he was in work, younger somehow. He was so handsome, so self-assured but then he was older than she was. Not much, just enough. It was a pity that she had sensed something between him and the awful woman they had met in town.
‘Mam, do you remember that woman named Lily? She used to paint pots alongside you? Skinny type, plain as a pikestaff.’
Pearl sniffed. She had more colour now; the air, smelly or not, seemed to be doing her good.
‘Who could forget that trollop! I remember her well, trouble she was to everyone she met. Nearly got Mrs Mainwaring killed with her goings on.’ Pearl looked down at Rosie. ‘Why, don’t tell me she’s back in Swansea?’
‘Me and Watt met her the other day, she seemed to know Watt very well.’ She waited with bated breath for her mother’s next words.
‘Oh aye, Lily had her sights set on our Watt but once a man came along who she thought had more money she dropped Watt like a hot cake.’
‘Did they . . .’ Rosie was not sure how far to go; her mam was pretty easygoing and had fun at work with the men but she did not like her children to be too forward. ‘I mean was they . . .’ She stopped, unable to go on, a rich blush stained her cheeks and she felt the heat run down to her small breasts.
‘I don’t think he ever went to her bed, if that’s what you mean.’ Pearl laughed. ‘No fear, not our Lily, she didn’t like a man to touch her, funny girl.’
Rosie smiled. ‘Well, she’s not much to look at and she looks fair worn out as if she’d been selling herself on the streets or something.’
‘What do you know about such things?’ Pearl’s voice was sharp and Rosie bit her lip.
‘Nothing, Mam, just that you sees them women waiting, like, for a man to come and pay them. They all seem bone weary of life, you know what I mean.’
‘Aye, love, I know what you mean and you just thank the good Lord that you and me are respectable women with decent jobs.’
Rosie hid a smile; her mother chose to ignore the fact that she went to Willie’s bed whenever she had the chance. Willie had thro
wn a lifeline to Pearl when she was widowed suddenly. He was a good man, a little slow of wit but he took care of Pearl and Rosie liked him for it.
‘Aye, good thing we don’t have to stand on street corners like those women. But you mustn’t scorn them, Rosie. Our Lord forgave that Mary who was with men all the time so don’t you be a judge now.’
Rosie digested this in silence, it was not like her mother to be so charitable. When Dad was caught with one of them hussies, Mam had hit him with the good copper saucepan, giving him a sore head for weeks. But Dad was gone now, dead and in his grave, past the sins of the flesh.
‘Was this Lily any good with the painting?’ she asked, still consumed with curiosity about the woman. There had definitely been something between Lily and Watt and it disturbed Rosie to think about it.
‘Not bad, good enough I suppose. When she worked at the pottery, Lily was a fussy little madam, full of herself and Watt fancied getting inside her drawers but she wasn’t having none of it.’
Pearl laughed. ‘Sorry, cariad, I shouldn’t say such things to my little girl but then you will have to learn about men sooner or later and it might as well be sooner.’
Rosie knew she was in for a lecture, she tried to deflect her mother, whose bad head seemed to have gone away, but it was no use.
‘Remember this, Rosie, however nice a man is, however kind and polite, he will want to do things with you, things you shouldn’t do until you got a ring on your finger.’
Rosie hid her face and smiled. Now her mother had started, she might just as well tease her along.
‘What things do you mean, Mam?’
‘Well.’ Pearl seemed at a loss. ‘A man starts by feeling you in certain places, you know.’
‘My chest, Mam?’
‘Aye, that’s right.’ Pearl sounded relieved. ‘Now that’s all very well if you are courting properly, like, but make sure a man’s intentions are the church and the ring not just the bed.’
The sound of the River Tawe rushing to the sea heralded the closeness of the potteries and Pearl smiled. ‘All I’m going to say to you, Rosie, is be a good girl and don’t let any man take liberties.’