by Sierra Rose
That’s right—my mother. Because I was still a child myself. I couldn’t exactly go about having one. At that moment, the tech dropped the photograph into my hand. I gazed at it lovingly, tilting it first one way, then another. My gosh! That’s my baby!
“Everything looks fine.” The technician smiled. “Both you and the baby are progressing exactly how you should.”
I nodded. “I’m so pleased to hear that.” But I can’t breathe!
Another nurse or technician peeked her head in. She leaned her head over and tried to coax a smile. “There’s a handsome man in the waiting room asking about you.”
“Yeah…he’s with me.” My voice was small and cracked, fraying around the edges no matter how hard I tried to keep from unraveling.
“Boyfriend?” she guessed conversationally, handing me a brochure.
“Fiancé, actually.” And if she knew how fucked up the whole thing was, she’d stop asking questions.
Her face brightened. “Oh, that’s wonderful! When’s the big day?”
“We’re still working out all the details.”
“Okay, looks like we’re done here,” the first technician said.
“Thank you for everything.”
I anxiously left, bumping into the trashcan as I stumbled blindly toward the door. The second I was out in the hall, I leaned back against it, trying to catch my breath, only to fall back inside as she opened it again herself. Blushing like a fire engine, I mumbled another dozen apologies and took off down the hall like a scared rabbit.
I barely noticed Marcus as he bolted to his feet the second he saw me. He’d taken up position right next to the huge “calming” fish tank—a tactical vantage point from which he could see both the registration counter and the door. I hardly noticed when a random nurse called out my name—I was too busy making a beeline for the outside. It wasn’t until a security guard actually caught me by the arm that I looked up in surprise.
“Um, miss?” the man said kindly. “I think they’re trying to get your attention.”
He spun me gently back around, and I saw both Marcus, the tech, and two nurses standing wide-eyed by the counter. The double entrance doors opened behind me, and the accompanying breeze that swept inside made me shiver.
That’s when I realized I was still wearing the medical gown.
“Hey, sweetie,” Marcus smiled anxiously, squeezing my shoulder.
I blinked in confusion, glancing around me as the heavy truth settled in once more.
“I’m having a panic attack,” I said.
“Just try to breathe slowly,” he said.
“I’m trying.”
He held my hand. “It’s okay.”
“I better get dressed,” I said. “I think I’m losing it.”
“Catch your breath first,” he reassured me.
“Okay.”
When I stabilized, I went back to the room. All at once, the tears that I had so staunchly kept at bay came down in a flood. I sobbed, covering my face and bringing my knees up to my chest. The door opened, and a couple of nurses came in with Marcus. Two of the three faces took a nervous step back, but Marcus bravely lingered, trying to stroke my hair before I cringed.
“It’s all right,” he murmured comfortingly.
“No—I mean—th-this is r-real! I’m ac-actually pr-pregnant!”
With that, I really let go. The rest of the world fell away as I wept without shame. I tugged at the pillow on the head of the chair to cover my face, but quickly realized it was attached and settled for just twisting myself onto my stomach and hanging on for dear life.
Two pairs of footsteps hastened away as the door opened and shut, and before I knew what was happening, Marcus had curled up next to me. Despite my strange leanings toward despondency and blame, I grabbed his arms and wrapped them around me, intertwining my own and hugging them all tightly around my stomach as I doubled over and sobbed. His face pressed against the back of my head, and I could feel his warm breath against my neck.
After a while, I calmed down enough to take in details of the world around me. The chair was clearly designed for only one person, so Marcus had awkwardly perched, keeping one leg on the floor to hold himself up. The nurse and tech had cleared out, and judging by the tiny blinking red light above the door, clinics like this had their own version of the “do not disturb” sign.
Feeling about as frail as tissue paper, I twisted around and stared at his face. He looked as pale as I felt—wild, panicked eyes, keeping it together under only a very thin layer of control. But while he was clearly on the edge of a nervous breakdown himself, all his thoughts were for me.
“Can I get you anything?” he murmured anxiously. “Would you like some water?”
I couldn’t answer. With trembling fingers, I pulled the sonogram from where it had slipped from my fist and wedged into the chair beneath me.
“We’re having a baby,” I whispered, holding it up.
Without seeming to think, he reached out to touch it, stopping just before the tips of his fingers grazed the edge.
“I’m going to be a dad,” he breathed aloud, leaning closer to get a better look.
A lump rose in my throat. “Our child was conceived in a global deception. An international fraud.”
The breathless crying was giving an unintentional comical edge to everything I was saying, and despite my best efforts to be understood, Marcus smiled faintly.
“Are you trying to make me feel better? How can you joke at a time like this?”
“I’m not joking,” I wailed. “I’m serious!”
The smile faded as I set the sonogram onto the mobile table that held the little screen. “I can’t be a mom…I can’t do this,” I gasped. “What am I going to do!”
His fingers laced suddenly through mine, and I stared up in surprise at the fierce determination written all over his face. “We are going to do this together. I’m going to be there for you every step of the way. No matter what you decide to do—I’ll support it.”
A wave of nausea crept up my throat, and I pulled my hand away. Ignoring his petrified, anxious expression, I swung my legs over the side of the chair and looked around for my clothes.
“I want to go home,” I murmured, pulling on my jeans.
He nodded and pulled out his phone to begin texting. “Of course, whatever you need. The driver’s just around the corner, I’ll get him to swing around.”
I shook my head. “I don’t mean your mansion, Marcus. I mean my house.”
He paused uncertainly, still holding the phone. “We can go to East Hollywood if you like. I didn’t think you’d want to go back there.”
“My actual house,” I slipped on my shoes, ignoring the silent tears that continued to stream unabashedly down my face. “My house in Washington. My mom’s house,” I corrected with a little sigh.
There was a brief pause before the light in Marcus’s eyes seemed to fade out and die.
“I’ll go with you,” he said softly.
“I need my family.”
“I am your family.”
“I love you. But I need some time to think, okay? I need a little time to be alone, to figure this all out.”
“You don’t want me to go?” he asked.
I nodded wordlessly, slipping my arms into my jacket and gathering up my purse.
“Rebecca,” he pleaded suddenly, “please let me come. I mean…this is as unexpected for me as it is for you. I can even stay in a hotel, that would be fine. I just want to be there with you.”
“I’m the one who’s pregnant. You could go home right now and live a normal life, never think about this day again. I can’t do that anymore. Everything’s changed. Permanently.”
“It’s changed for both of us.” He made a grab for my hands as I paced to the door. “You can’t possibly think I could just go home and pretend like nothing’s happened. Rebecca, we’re in this together. That’s my baby too.”
“When I heard our child’s heartbeat, I realized t
his is a real human being. It makes everything more real.”
“And I love this baby more than anything,” Marcus said. “I want to get married and raised this baby together.”
Two things I was scared of: marriage and having children. I didn’t feel rage at all. Just pure, blind panic. I was going to marry a guy I didn’t even know that well. And have a child with him. What the hell was wrong with me? I needed space to sort it out. I felt like I was backed into a corner.
“Please talk to me,” he said.
“I’m the one who decided to get into a fake relationship with you. I’m the one who snuck down the hall and fell into your bed.”
I wiped the tears from my face and pulled in a shaky breath. But despite my massive preoccupation, the look on his face was killing me, and I tried to make him understand.
“I’m not going to do anything drastic—if that’s what you’re worried about. I don’t want an abortion. And I want this baby. I do. I just need time to think. I’m just…I think I have about another hour or two before I completely lose my mind. I cannot believe this is happening right now…and I need to be with my family.”
His face froze up, and he took a robotic step backward as I reached for the door.
I sucked in a guilty breath as I walked past him, but now was no time to mince words. If no other time but now, we had to tell the truth.
“We haven’t known each other that long, Marcus.” My eyes flickered up apologetically. I then started to head into the hall. “I’m sorry.”
Chapter 3
After spending the last three years in the heart of Los Angeles, I’d forgotten that Washington had things like seasons. The wind was howling through a darkened, stormy sky as I touched down at Seattle-Tacoma International and gazed out the window. I deliberately wasted some time as I meandered down through the terminal. Maybe I was scared to face my mother and tell her everything that was happening. I’d come straight from the clinic in my rush to get there, so the first thing I did was buy one of those cheesy Washington State tourist sweatshirts. After about a half an hour, I rented a car (something that I was just legally old enough to do) and got onto the freeway. That’s right, I could have a baby, but it was only three months ago that I was considered responsible enough to rent a car.
My mother’s house was only about forty-five minutes away. An hour, with how slowly I was driving in the rain. It was in a beautiful little city called Everett, right on the Puget Sound. I remembered that growing up, I’d been completely intimidated by its daunting size. The first time I was turned loose to navigate the city bus system with Amanda in high school, I’d had a full-on panic attack. After living in Los Angeles, I found its industrial sprawl rather quaint.
The raging storm had blown down several of her meticulously kept potted plants, and she was struggling to drag them all into the open garage as I pulled up behind her in the driveway. I hurried out of the car.
“Rebecca?” She raised her hand like a visor and squinted in the rain. “What on earth are you doing here, sweetie?”
She pulled me into a huge, dripping hug, too caught up in her excitement at seeing me to realize that anything was wrong. The rain was successfully camouflaging the tears that had somehow, inexplicably, continued to fall since the doctor’s office in LA. I truly didn’t understand how it was possible. I had to be massively dehydrated by now. She figured it out though, the second she pulled back and looked at my face.
“Oh, gosh—what’s wrong?” She put both hands on the sides of my cheeks and searched my eyes with her strange mother’s radar, hoping to find the answers there. “Is it Amanda, is she okay? Is it Marcus—did the two of you have a fight? You didn’t break up, did you? Oh my gosh—Bex, talk to me! What is it?”
I opened my mouth with a simultaneous gasp and hiccup. Where did I even begin? How much was I even planning on telling her? In my brain-erasing panic, I’d come straight here, like a homing pigeon returning to base. I hadn’t even considered what I was going to say.
“Mom…I just came from the doctor’s.”
“Oh gosh—you’re pregnant!”
Good thing with moms, sometimes they said the words for you.
“Yep. You’re a grandma.”
She hugged me tightly. “Congratulations, honey! And I’m so happy for you and Markus. And I’m so happy I get the chance to be a grandma! You know I’m going to spoil this kid rotten, right?”
I smiled.
She pulled me inside and out of the rain, setting me firmly on the couch while simultaneously lighting a fire and preparing two steaming cups of cocoa in a sudden, superhero blur of speed. She returned a minute later and settled down beside me, tossing a blanket over our legs as she handed me my favorite mug.
“When did you find out?”
“I just found out, and then came straight here.” I tried to take a scalding gulp, but it burned my tongue.
“How far along are you?”
The questions fired out like well-meaning bullets, intending to extract as much information as possible before she knew I’d shut down. We’d had hypothetical variations of this conversation for as long as I could remember. She knew I didn’t want kids. But she knew I’d never get rid of one. The trick then was to just never get pregnant. A task at which I’d failed spectacularly.
“Six weeks.” I showed her the sonogram.
She nodded calmingly but bit her lip. “Is Marcus the father?”
“Yes! Mom!”
She held up her hands. “I’m just asking. You’ve done a lot of things these last few months that have surprised me, Bex. I still can’t believe you’re getting married to the man.”
My heart felt like it froze in my chest. A chill ran up my body, and there was a strange tightening that was making it hard to breathe. My mother set down her cocoa at once, misinterpreting my pained expression as some kind of judgment on her part.
“Oh no, sweetie—don’t get me wrong.” She squeezed my knees and gave me a glowing smile. “You’ve surprised me, but you’ve made me so, so very proud. As long as I can remember, I’ve been telling you to put yourself out there and take a leap of faith. I can’t tell you how happy I am that you finally did it. And Marcus is an amazing man. It warms my heart to see the two of you together.”
A wretched sob shook its way out of me and I dropped my head into my hands. This was making everything so much worse.
She gathered me up at once, taking the mug from my hand and setting it safely on the floor. “Sweetheart, what is it? Are you worried about the baby? I know it’s not something you were planning on…but the two of you are in love. This is just a little jump-start, that’s all.”
“No, Mom, it’s not that.” I gulped and hiccupped all at once. “Well, it is, but I mean…it’s everything. This whole thing has just gotten so far out of control.”
“What ‘whole thing’?” she asked, rubbing my back with concern. “Honey, what is it?”
I drew in a long, shaky breath and squared off my shoulders. This wasn’t just about the two of us anymore. Other people were involved; other feelings were on the line. It was time to come clean.
“Mom…” I stared up nervously into her eyes. “There’s something I have to tell you.”
Chapter 4
“So…you kept all that money behind the popsicles?”
“Oh my gosh, for the fifth time, Mom—yes!”
How was it that upon hearing this unbelievable tale—front page news, a scripted romance, an international deception—my mother had somehow latched onto this one, insignificant detail?
“I was afraid the bank would ask me where I’d gotten it, so I hid the money in my freezer.” I rubbed my eyes wearily, staring into the dancing flames of the fire. “I actually thought it was quite insightful at the time.”
She gave me a critical look over the top of her glasses but held her tongue.
I hated the glasses. I knew I was in trouble when she’d put them on halfway through our conversation. They magnified her eyes and alway
s made me feel like when she was staring at me, she was debating whether or not something so defective could have possibly come from her.
I stared back as bravely as I could, but it was always difficult to tell exactly where she was looking. In the end, I gave up and buried my face in a pillow. “Could we please not make this about the popsicles—please?”
She raised her eyebrows dangerously and the glasses fell to the very tip of her nose. “Oh, I’m sorry, Rebecca. You’ve been lying to me for the last ninety days, and now you want to tell me how to react to it as well?” Her voice scorched the air between us. “My mistake.”
But the longer the silence stretched on, the more she seemed to soften. After a few moments, she reached out and squeezed my knee beneath the blanket. I looked up, feeling utterly broken and ashamed, tears still falling down my face.
“I’m so sorry,” I whispered. And I meant it with all my heart. “I thought this would all be over before anyone had to get hurt. But somehow everyone’s gotten hurt. And now…”
For the first time, I put my hands tentatively over my belly. I didn’t look any different. I didn’t even really feel all that different. But something about me had undeniably changed.
“I’m so sorry,” I said again.
It seemed like too simple a closing statement to possibly cover it, but it was true. There was simply no better word for how I felt.
Then my mom reached out slowly and put her hands over mine, surprising me and meeting my tentative gaze with a warm smile. “It’s okay.”
Despite how many times I’d shrieked the contrary over the last few hours, a tingling feeling of relief started to creep through my body, warming me from my head to my toes. Not that I completely believed her.
“Okay?” I repeated in disbelief. My mother once had a small aneurysm when the mailman confessed to putting her first class mail in with the rest of them. Something like this could never be…okay.
She leaned forward and squeezed my hand. “The fact of the matter is, Rebecca, while this may have started out as some horrible kind of lie, it’s turned into a genuine relationship. Somewhere along the line, you and Marcus actually fell in love.” Her eyes sparkled. “As your mother, and yes,” she peered down over her glasses, “I mean as your mother, Bex, how can I not be thrilled that my baby girl has found a man she loves? No matter how your story got started, you’re both here now. That’s what counts.”