“I know. And Mike is a great guy. I guess… Well, I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”
“Why do you say that?” Her voice held concern instead of accusation.
“I thought for sure Mike liked you for the longest time so it took me a while to adjust to the idea that he could like me. Plus, look at me. I’m fat, I have a couple pimples on my face, and I have to wear glasses sometimes… I’m just not the kind of girl guys like him go for. I feel like it’s impractical for me to believe that he actually likes me. I don’t feel totally safe letting my guard down yet.”
“Lex, how many times have we had this conversation? You are a great girl, and regardless of what you say, you are beautiful. I wish I had your boobs and butt! Please! I have nothing compared to you. So you have a little more around the middle than I do; it’s all in the right places to guys even though you feel like it’s in the wrong places,” she confusingly attempted to salvage her point. “Listen, you are great Lex. You’re better than you give yourself credit for. You really do have a lot to offer. I know it’s taken boys a lot longer to recognize that in you but did you ever stop to think that maybe you’re worth the wait?”
“I know. I’m just not comfortable with me. I’m never going to be a size two and even if I do get to that size I will never have my mother’s beauty or your bubbly personality,” I wallowed in self-defeat. I knew I was being pathetic, but couldn’t muster the strength to snap myself out of it.
“Listen to me Lex. Put your stupid personal BS to the side for a minute. Mike likes you. No, he adores you. The boy freaking idolizes you for crying out loud! Put aside your insecurities for one minute and just think about it. Hasn’t Mike, aside from his words tonight, been an ideal boyfriend?”
“Yes, but that’s also the problem. No one is perfect. It’s almost as if he’s trying too hard to make it work and I’m just not sure if I want it to; if I’m ready for it to.” I sighed.
“Why?” She was in lawyer mode now, or as I sometimes referred to it as: intimidation 101. Mike was her client, and I, the defendant, therefore had to explain why with every generic answer I provided.
“Because after a month of dating, I still don’t feel confident around him. I’m comfortable, but not in a way that makes us more than friends.” I realized I was having an epiphany.
“Isn’t this what you have been wanting for the last three years now?!” she questioned in frustration.
“Yea…”
“So?” she pressed.
“So I don’t know. I just have a lot on my mind, a lot to consider. I don’t want to hurt Mike, but I also don’t want to get hurt.”
“Lex, in love there is always a risk of getting hurt. You’re trusting your most valuable possession, your lifeline, with someone else. That’s a big deal. I will say though that your insecurities with your relationship are a sign of trust issues. You don’t trust him, even after all these years of friendship. That’s sad Lex. Honestly though, I don’t think you trust anyone outside of me and your parents, and I have no idea why.”
I could hear her edging towards the slippery slope of surrender when it came to reasoning with me. Her insight was spot on though. I didn’t know why I didn’t trust Mike; I didn’t know why I was so closed off. I just was.
“I don’t know why either,” I sighed.
Deciding to get it all off my chest, I relayed my curiosity over Kellan and his family. I told her about the picture, the conversation with my mom and the intense pull I felt towards him for no explained reason.
“I don’t know Lex. You sound tense about it all, but really don’t have much to work with. I would say just give it time. The truth is always revealed, and time will tell you what your heart has yet to figure out with both guys.”
“Thanks. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
“Let’s not even try to fathom it.” I heard the smile in her voice.
“Sounds good to me.” Somehow our conversations, regardless of how deep, always came full circle. We never hung up on a bad note it seemed.
“Ok, I better hit the hay. I need my beauty sleep and the rugrat likes to get up at the crack of dawn.”
“’kay. Night.”
“Sweet dreams bumblebee,” she giggled.
I reached over to turn on the lamp on my nightstand. I looked around my room while reflecting on my conversation with Mel. I hopped out of bed to grab some pajamas deciding a shower was in order. There is nothing like a hot shower to melt away my anxiety.
Finally gaining enough gumption to call Mike back and smooth things over, at least until I could mentally get a grip on what I wanted out of our relationship long-term, I reached for my phone to dial, but found it ringing already. I looked back at the clock – 11:56pm – before answering, “Hello?”
“Hey Lex, it’s Mike.”
“Oh, hey. I was just about to call you.”
“Oh, well I couldn’t hold out any longer though,” he explained.
“O, okay,” I replied. “I guess I did have something that I wanted to talk to you about.”
“Really?” he perked up instantly.
“Yea. I’m really sorry about before. I really like you Mike. It’s not you, it’s me.”
“It sounds like you’re trying to dump me.” A quick nervous laugh escaped him.
“No. I’m just trying to explain why I reacted the way I did. I just… well, I don’t look at myself the way you may look at me. I see myself as a fat blob with too many physical imperfections. I guess I sort of feel like this could be some colossal joke because I don’t see myself as attractive if I’m totally honest,” I attempted to be as detailed as possible in my perspective. “So when you said that you didn’t think you would have any competition, it brought my insecurities to the surface I guess. I’m sorry.”
“But that makes you even better babe. You aren’t pompous or full of yourself like the majority of the girls at school. You’re you and don’t try to fit in where you don’t. You’re rare in our world.” I lightened up a bit at that. I’d never heard those words from anyone before, let alone a hot guy.
“You really think so?”
“Why would I lie about something like that babe? You’re forcing me to look like a total retard right now making me be all mushy and honest.”
I laughed at that and for the first time I felt a tug at my heart as if this was how it was supposed to be. That love was able to touch everyone, even the fat girls who felt like they weren’t worth the extra effort.
Chapter 5
I woke up in a daze, trying to figure out if last night even happened. I rolled over, still tucked under the warmth of my sheets, to the little alarm clock on my nightstand; it read 10:46am. I yawned and stretched before rolling out of bed, grabbing my cell phone as my feet hit the floor.
I slid my perfectly manicured feet – Mel insisted on the activity last weekend and I like to remain kempt – into my slippers and headed downstairs. Upon reaching the kitchen I fumbled around gathering the supplies for a bowl of cereal. I sat at the island to indulge in my hearty breakfast still contemplating all that I was now sure had happened the previous evening.
Merely minutes after taking my first bite, I heard my parents rustle through the garage door.
“Good morning sleepy head,” my dad greeted as he walked into the kitchen to kiss my forehead.
“Morning Dad. Where’s Mom?” I searched behind him for her.
“I’m right here sweetie,” she answered for him. She walked over and gave me a half hug as I was still sitting on the stool munching away at my breakfast. She awkwardly stopped and stared at me. I felt the heat of her eyes on me and began to fidget under her gaze.
“How was the beach?” I finally broke in.
“Beautiful as always,” she smiled, slightly jostling her head before walking away.
“Where did you guys stay?” I asked curiously since the trip seemed last minute.
“Your dad surprised me with accommodations in a gorgeous turn-of-the-cen
tury bed and breakfast on the beach. It was just perfect,” she gushed giving my dad a kiss at the end.
“Nice job Dad!” I cheered.
“Thanks. I do try,” he said, slightly embarrassed. “I’m going to unpack and take a shower,” he announced as he exited the kitchen.
“How was your night?” my mother inquired turning towards me to put the milk and cereal away.
“It was ok. Kind of boring,” I admitted. “I did make plans for later though. Me, Kellan, Mike and a few others are going to the movies. This way Kellan can meet more people too.” I eyed her curiously amidst the last line, studying her closely. For what, I wasn’t sure. I just still felt strange when it came to the Kellan situation.
“Sure,” she stated with a bit of hesitation. “This is surprising and certainly not the activity I had in mind since you haven’t been to the movies in almost a year.”
“Well, I figured a movie was perfect since conversation wouldn’t be forced in the beginning and it would also give us something to talk about afterwards,” I quickly defended.
She nodded her head in understanding. ”Do you need me to drop you off?”
“Um. I’m not sure yet. I’ll let you know.”
“How do you like Kellan so far?” she inquired trying to feel her way into him it seemed.
“He’s nice. Kind of quiet; keeps to himself. I think I’m the only person he’s talked to so far with the exception of Mel for like a minute.”
“Be sure to include him. I’m sure this must be overwhelming for him. Charleston is very different from Seattle.” She played his advocate under the circumstances. Little did she know he didn’t need one.
“I will.”
“I know. You’ve always been warm and welcoming with others,” she beamed approvingly. “Now let me go help your father unpack. If I don’t he won’t remember where he put anything.”
“Ok.” She gave me one last extended glance before leaving to tend to the suitcase.
I hopped up to wash my dish right as Mel called. She was eager to hear about my conclusions over what we’d discussed last night. Considering I hadn’t made much progress, we didn’t linger on the phone, but I agreed to call her later with all the details of my evening. I text Mike and Kellan to meet me at Barnes & Noble around 5:30 since the movie started at 5:45 just across the street.
I checked the clock on the microwave anxious over the upcoming night’s events. Ugh. It’s only 11:30am. I settled on finishing my monologue for English, though I was nearly done already.
Thirty minutes was all it took to complete my masterpiece. I closed my binder, set my glasses aside and pranced to my walk-in closet to decide my outfit for the day. I had to be the only girl to boast a huge walk-in closet that wasn’t even a quarter of the way filled. I only owned four pairs of shoes – a pair of Nike tennis shoes, a set of brown and black heels, which I rarely wore, and my favorite pair of tan Vans flip-flops.
Limited in choice, I resolved to go comfy-casual with my favorite pair of XL blue Victoria Secret capri sweats with an imbedded rhinestone design at the bottom on each side where they gathered – they hugged my body perfectly to accentuate my good parts yet were relaxed not squeezing any part of me – and a navy blue tank top which would be covered by my oversized red Aeropostale hoodie. I grabbed a clean pair of panties and a bra on my way to the shower.
I stepped out of the shower and stared at my hair while dressing. I chose to style it simply by throwing my dark locks into hot rollers adding a nice thick wave. Upon completion, I stood peering at myself in the mirror for a solid five minutes. I looked different, almost pretty in a way, but couldn’t determine the reason why. My sweats still fit right so I hadn’t lost weight; I’d styled my hair this way before so my face was framed the same. Then I recognized it. My blemishes were gone. My face was smooth, flawlessly illuminating my fuller cheeks and accenting the honey in my brown eyes. I ran my fingers over every part of my skin in awe. Could this be possible or was I dreaming?
I was leaning over the counter right up to the mirror patting my face when I heard a startling knock on my open bathroom door. I jumped back and looked at my mother, whose face was wrinkled with worry. She came to stand behind me tousling my hair and gazing at my mirrored reflection.
“The change is already starting,” she whispered, lost in my mirror image.
“What are you talking about Mom?” I questioned with raised brows. She continued to stare lost in a daze of emotion. I’d never seen my mother cry, but she looked ready to in this moment.
“Mom,” I prompted again, beginning to worry.
Hearing the concern in my voice, she peered away from the mirror. “You’re changing into a beautiful young woman much quicker than I’m ready for; that’s all sweetie.”
She attempted to pacify me with her response but didn’t succeed. Could me getting older really be the cause of such an intense moment? I pondered a bit more trying to view things from her perspective as a mother.
Maybe I was wrong before; perhaps I was suspicious over nothing. My mother did seem to be struggling with my transition into womanhood; that’s probably why they had been watching me with awed eyes this week. Their only daughter was growing up so fast before them.
Not wanting to dive deeper into the idea, I requested an early drop off to the bookstore. I could easily lose myself in the books and magazines for a few hours before the others arrived. My mother agreed and disappeared to pull the car out of the garage.
I slid into my flip-flops and threw my wallet and phone into my jacket pocket on my way out. A shiver ran through me as I opened the front door. A gust of cool October wind bounced against me. I let out a chuckle acknowledging mentally that only a true southerner would wear flip flops and a jacket.
The drive there was filled with radio music, for my mom didn’t say anything and I feared her almost downpour would erupt had I initiated a conversation.
“Have fun,” she said as I got out of the car.
“Thanks Mom. See you later,” I called back. I walked inside and straight to the Starbucks counter.
“Hey Sam,” I said as I approached the front of the line.
“Hey Lexi. Where’s Mel?” she asked looking past me for my friend.
“She’s at home with her brother today.” It did feel odd being in our hang out spot without her.
“Cool,” she nodded. “The usual?”
“Actually, I’m gonna do a hot chocolate. The weather got to me.”
“Sure thing. You look different today,” she observed as she started preparing my drink. I mindlessly ran my fingers over my face still unable to process my perfect complexion. It was the most amazing feeling looking in the mirror that morning.
“Yea, my face finally cleared up,” I admitted with a smile.
“You look good; refreshed,” she said. Sam didn’t go around offering compliments to people. In fact, I’d never heard her compliment anything outside of a ‘rad shirt’ once.
“Thanks.”
“Here you go.” She handed me my drink.
“Thanks. See you later.” I took a sip and advanced towards the classic books section.
I browsed through the greats like Moby Dick, Wuthering Heights and Huckleberry Finn before drifting towards the religious section. I’d always been solid in my Christian beliefs with the Bible, but enjoyed studying the theories behind other denominations and religious forms.
As I approached that part of the store I was surprised to see Kellan standing there lost in a book. He held a thick black book seemingly ancient in design titled ‘Vampyres and Demons’.
“Hey Kellan,” I announced my presence with a smile. I must have startled him because he slammed the book shut and jumped back.
“Sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you,” I quickly added. His reaction jolted me; he acted like a child who stole and nearly got caught.
“You didn’t scare me,” he laughed anxiously as he placed the book back on the shelf.
“Vampires and demons,
huh? Anything good?”
“Egh, not really.” He stuffed his hands into his jean pockets.
“Do you enjoy myths and legends?” I inquired trying to learn more about this mystical new arrival.
“Yes. Most of them I’ve found to be true,” he answered with a disturbed yet poetic undertone in his seductive voice.
He looked directly at me as I began to daydream again. I get lost in his amazing green eyes every time. Their depth is mesmerizing, almost hypnotic. He smiled his perfect grin, and for the first time, I noticed he has a small dimple on his left cheek. His beauty made me smile in awe. I probably looked so stupid with my crooked smirk reflected towards him, but it’s worth the sacrifice to admire him a few minutes longer.
“You look…beautiful today,” he interrupted my admiration of him to say. “Your skin is glowing now; you’re going to be perfect,” he added, still gazing at me.
I broke my concentration taking a deep breath as I adjusted my glasses. Wait, did he say I was going to be perfect? Perfect for what? Oh, who cares?! He said I looked beautiful! This model of a man who was in front of me admired my hidden beauty in some way. I wished he would make a pass at me then. I could only imagine the non-exonerated feeling I’d receive in kissing him. I immediately began scolding myself at the thought. I was with Mike, and I’d agreed to give our relationship a chance.
Not knowing how much time had passed in my mental debate, I quickly stated, “Thanks,” nonchalantly. I glanced back up at him. He was still staring at me and looked to be debating something as well.
“Want to go sit down for a bit?” I asked motioning towards the café.
“Sure,” he gave a quick nod before making his way in that direction. We sat at the table and stared at each other again until he began the conversation.
“So how long did you live in Spain?” he started, softening his previously intense gaze.
Diary of a Vampeen Page 5