Diary of a Vampeen

by Christin Lovell

  “I’m okay. I just needed to sleep like I said.”

  “And eat. Your throat must be burning by this point. Why would you put yourself through that much pain?” he demanded furrowing his brows.

  I began to fidget with my hands answering an honest, “I didn’t know. In Breaking Dawn Bella says she always has a sort of burning feeling in her throat.”

  “Damn it Lexi! This isn’t a fictional book; this is your life!” His face scrunched and lips pursed as the belting fear broke his surface.

  “I know. I just didn’t know about that,” I said unable to look at him knowing he was so angry with me.

  “I’m sorry. I got scared, that’s all. I’ve never seen any vampeens or vampires get like that before. An hour into your sleep, I was certain you would somehow die though you’re supposed to be immortal,” he explained pulling me into his chest and embracing me tightly.

  “I’m sorry I scared you. But can I ask you something without angering you?” I attempted to set up the right mood. I needed to know for sure that I wasn’t killing myself by refusing my body’s desire for human blood. Despite putting two and two together, I couldn’t bring myself to hurt another human for my own survival. I may be a vampire in many ways but not when it comes to the ruthless murder of mankind for my appetite alone.

  “Of course.”

  “What happens if you eat only human food?” I decided to go with this approach so he couldn’t link it back to me and my earlier mishap.

  “I could eat like that for probably a month before my body would be depleted of back up resources. Every vamp is different in molecular design. Your body craves what it needs. My body needs human blood, so eating human food would be like eating vegan without supplements. It would supply my system with several vital necessities, but the lack in the remainder would kill me.”

  “I thought we were immortal?”

  “We are. I would just live forever in a vegetative state. We don’t have vitamin supplements like humans do to falsely recreate the missing elements within us,” he answered.

  “Oh. And this back up supply, we’re born with it, right?” I checked. My heart was beginning to beat faster in response to my stress. The repercussions of my choice were being placed before me verbally.

  “No. Your body creates it with your first several meals. That’s why you’re so hungry. Your body needs more in the beginning to ensure a sufficient reserve. So you need to eat more.”

  Oh my gosh! I’m committing vamp suicide! Even worse, I was a food-shoveling human and forty-eight hours later I was an anorexic vampeen. How did this happen? I didn’t mean to deprive myself; it’s just morally I couldn’t harm a human. Every man would remind me of my dad, and every woman a mom, and every teenager a Mel or Mike. I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.

  I toyed mentally with telling Kellan, but opted to keep my secret. My mother returned with a glass of water, two eggs sunny side up and an oozing red slightly cooked steak. The steak was smothered in red gravy, no doubt a blood sauce.

  Seeing the food made the liquid in my throat overflow into my mouth for the first time. I started swallowing repeatedly trying to down the bubbling juice to no avail. I began to panic. I bit a piece of steak smothered in blood, chewing rapidly to rid the volcano in my mouth. Like high tide at the beach, the serum lifted and retracted in intervals after my bite eventually leveling off.

  It’s working. Maybe I really was supposed to eat human food. Maybe I just didn’t consume enough before. Maybe it’s the sauce. I didn’t have the blood gravy before. “What kind of sauce is this?” I asked my mother. “It’s good.”

  “It’s leftover from the other night. I sometimes do a human blood marinade on my steaks and that’s one of them. For some reason it tends to enhance the flavors,” she explained with an approving grin.

  The sauce. The gravy of human blood was what’s ridding the serum, not the food itself. I froze. I glanced at the food, then my mom, then Kellan, moving my eyes alone. I was torn. Did I continue to devour the marinade that would cure me or stick to my guns in not participating in human slaughter?

  Being ever rebellious, I picked up the fork and staked the eggs. It took me no more than two minutes to swallow both eggs. I pushed the plate away announcing, “I’m done.”

  “But you left the entire steak,” my mother complained.

  “I didn’t like it,” I lied, shrugging my shoulders.

  “You just said it was good,” she argued, hands on her hips and no smile on her face.

  “It left a bad after-taste in my mouth,” I reasoned feeling a bit guilty over the fib and insult of my mother’s cooking. I couldn’t think fast enough to concoct a less hurtful excuse.

  “Well you have to eat more than two eggs,” she pressed.

  “I will after,” I attempted to negotiate, but failed when Kellan got into it.

  “No. Now. You don’t want a repeat of several hours ago,” he ordered firmly.

  “Ugh!” I groaned looking back and forth between the two of them. Waving the white flag I said, “Fine. I’ll be down in a bit.”

  “No, now,” my mother insisted.

  “Can I please shower and change first?”

  “You and your showers! I swear you should live in the rainforest,” she remarked in frustration on her way out the door. My mother didn’t know the calming effect a shower had on me.

  I could hear my dad sleeping soundly and Aunt Claire coercing Dr. H into a movie date later this week.

  “Is your car unlocked?” I asked Kellan knowing I would need to tap into my new wardrobe for something to wear.

  “Your clothes are in your closet. Your aunt insisted on organizing it all while you were sleeping,” he replied.

  “Oh.” I hopped off the bed and flung open my closet door. There, filling every nook of my closet, organized by item and color, were my new clothes. Lining the floors were my shoe boxes with a Polaroid of what was inside pasted to each one. Installed on the once bare back wall were two shelves and two rows of hooks holding my belts, scarves and purses. On the opposing wall by the door was a freshly hung bulletin board with pictures from today tacked to it to remind me of what went together. Looking around, I realized Aunt Claire had thought of everything except… I forgot pajamas – my one comfort staple.

  As if he heard my mental anguish, Kellan announced, “She bought you pajamas. They’re in your dresser.”

  I lit with excitement and ran to the drawers. I opened every drawer one by one. My top two contained a mountain of panties and four new bras. The middle ones held tanks and a few simple tees. Opening the bottom two I was shocked at what I found. On the right side were two pajama pants, two shorts and a smaller pair of VS capri sweats. Filling the other though was – gasp! – lingerie! I sifted through the pile of lace and silk sets varying in coverage. Beside it was a box of condoms with a note attached. I was mortified!

  Lexi,

  I’m not your mother. Every young woman has desires and passion flaring within her. The flames I see between you and Kellan are fierce so I wanted you to be prepared.

  Have fun and be safe!

  Love, Aunt Claire

  “Aunt Claire,” I called in a raised voice, enough to know she would hear me clearly despite her male distraction. She climbed the stairs and entered my room within thirteen seconds of my call, just in time for the angst to climax within me.

  “Yes dear?” she asked.

  “Umm… Ear muffs Kellan.” He rolled his eyes and covered his ears. Though I was sure he could still hear me, knowing he wasn’t supposed to should at least keep him from talking about it later.

  “Aunt Claire,” I whispered. “What is all this?”

  She closed the door and replied softly, “It’s for you to be safe when you’re having fun with you-know-who over here.” She motioned to Kellan with a side nod of her head. “If you don’t need it now, just save it for when you’re ready.”

  “He’s not even my boyfriend. I have a human boyfriend named Mike.”<
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  “Ooh Lexi! I knew you were just like me,” she cooed proudly. “But I’m telling you now, I’ve never met two people or vamps with more chemistry than you have with Kellan. Even I feel the heat between you two. I’m so jealous!” she said with a southern accent, abandoning her usual west coast one.

  “I’m confused right now,” I admitted.

  “Well talk to me honey. That’s what I’m here for.”

  “I don’t even know where to start,” I said sitting Indian style on the floor.

  “Start from the beginning. Who’s this Mike?” she insisted settling beside me on the carpet.

  I explained in depth who Mike was. I shared my original crush, the intimate details of our relationship, including my conclusion prior to my transformation. I told her all my discomforts and mental quaderies over the situation saving the worst, his monologue, for last. I will admit, recalling all those things officially made me submerge myself in slight regret, but it brought me relief simultaneously. I knew Kellan was the guy for me; it was only guilt bringing this bout over Mike because I knew at this point I was intentionally hurting him since I didn’t break it off before.

  “He sounds like a great guy Lexi, but you clearly didn’t want to get together with him originally, so why did you agree?” Aunt Claire probed.

  “Well, he’s a nice guy and to be honest, he was the first guy to even acknowledge my existence.” That line was beginning to sound lame even to me.

  “Alexa.”

  “Uh oh. You called me Alexa. What’s wrong?”

  “What are your doubts with Kellan?” she asked.

  I pondered this silently for a minute, but came up empty handed. When we connected on a spiritual level, I clearly saw and heard his intentions in commitment. I saw exactly how he viewed me as a human and discovered he never lied to me except with his age, which was for his own pre-conceived rejection. It washed my doubts away and discarded any hesitations I carried over him.

  “None that I can think of,” I sighed.

  “Now compare that list to the negative one you have with Mike.”

  “Oh, I see where you’re going with this.”

  “I can’t tell you what to do, but as an outsider looking in, I can share my view. My philosophy is ‘When in doubt, you can live without.’ I have so many men floating around me and with every last one of them I can tell you why it won’t work, explain my doubts. I keep them around because I have to entertain myself somehow until the right one comes along. Seriously though, what you have with Kellan I’ve only heard and read stories about. You don’t throw that away, no matter what the cost.”

  “Thanks Aunt Claire.”

  “Like I said, anytime dear. And listen, don’t fret yourself into action immediately. You’re young; you have plenty of time,” she offered as a parting note.

  “Thanks,” I smiled.

  She winked. On her way out the room she pointed to Kellan and then flapped her hands as if to fan herself profusely. Bluntly – she said he was hot.

  I chuckled, returning to the bed relieving Kellan’s hands of muff duty.

  “Did you have a nice chat with your aunt?” he asked.

  “Oh please! Don’t even pretend like you didn’t hear anything,” I scolded sarcastically.

  He smiled wide and brilliant. Acting on impulse I leaned in and kissed him. Feeling the serum desert my throat amidst this kindle is what brought awareness to just how bad it was hurting. No hurting was too light. The healing liquid was literally roasting my throat. The relief I encumbered in kissing Kellan kept me glued to him. Whatever happens though, I couldn’t let us unite again beyond the physical. He would certainly discover my bold secret with it fresh on my mind; it’s a miracle he didn’t learn the last time. Though after seeing the number of humans he had drained lifeless, I could never succumb to his lifestyle.

  He gently laid me back on the bed and hovered over me. I sunk down cradling his body with my arms. His touch sent chills down my spine and left a tingling sensation wherever he caressed me. This new energy encompassed us and I knew I would have to pull away soon. So with one last ditch effort, I threw myself into him, let down my barriers and then quickly released from his lip lock.

  We spent the next few minutes just gazing into each other’s eyes. The liquid refilled my throat, but I remained peaceful in his arms. My aunt was right, Kellan was the right guy for me; I knew he certainly believed that to be true and I did too. It’s strange to think that you’ve found your soul mate at sixteen, but destiny doesn’t work by age.

  I sat up, turned to Kellan now lying beside me and asked, “So you ready to teach me some killer moves?”

  “I don’t think that’s such a good idea.”

  “Why? You said I need to learn,” I argued.

  “You just passed out a couple hours ago, ate hardly anything and now expect me to work you physically?”

  “Yea?”

  “Not happening. You need to eat. Then I’ll consider it.”

  “I haven’t even showered yet though,” I whined trying to put off scarfing more food down my burning throat.

  “Lexi. What’s going on? Why are you trying to avoid the thing that makes you stronger?” he pressed suspiciously.

  Crap. He’s onto me. I didn’t want to add him to the list of people I’d lied to. It’s bad enough that I’d added three new people in three days – Mel, Mike and my mom.

  “It just doesn’t taste good,” I replied remembering the weird after-taste of the first steak I consumed five bites of. It didn’t taste horrible, just wasn’t appetizing in any way.

  Before he could reply, I was off the bed. I scurried grabbing my new green VS capri sweats, which matched his eyes, and a white tank with an intricate black and grey design on the front. I kissed him lightly on my way to the bathroom and advised, “I’ll be out in a bit… unless you want to join me.” I teased flashing a devilish grin.

  “Tempting, but I’ll pass,” he smiled.

  “Still playing the gentleman card I see.”

  “Hurry up,” he grumbled.

  “Yea, yea.”

  Midway through letting the hot water run down my back, I felt a fog cloud me; a feeling of exhaustion and slight dizziness far stronger than the time before. I placed my hands flat against the tiled wall feeling the color drain out of me. My breath began to come in shorter spurts. The serum in my throat ran over again filling my mouth, burning my tongue. I spit the clear syrup out profusely into the running water, swallowing the rest repeatedly.

  I began to feel weak. I managed to turn off the water and wrap myself in the towel over the glass door before I sunk down against the wall of the shower. My head was heavy, my body putty, and my excellent vision was beginning to blur at the corners. I felt how I did when I was going under; I was fighting to stay conscious. I heard a knock at the bathroom door, but nothing was audible to me; all surrounding noises had muted in my drowsiness.

  “Lexi? Are you okay?” Kellan asked cautiously.

  “Ye...uh…” I attempted to say yes, but could barely speak let alone annunciate. I was panting at this point, the serum bordering over flow again. I closed my eyes and gave up just as I heard Kellan bust through the locked door.

  “Sharon!” he called my mother frantically scooping me into his arms. Two seconds later I was in bed under the covers, still wrapped in my towel only half my body dry and my hair dripping wet. Kellan and my mother were hovering over me; they were speaking a foreign tongue, the same as the doctor earlier. I closed my eyes and fell fast asleep, fatigue consuming every muscle in my body.

  Groggily opening my eyelids, I awoke to Kellan pacing beside my bed. His head was sunken and hands clasped together behind his back. Looking at his face, he appeared angry, very disgruntled over something but not an ounce of worry filtered in.

  “Kellan?”

  He looked at me briefly but continued pacing.

  “Umm. What’s wrong?” I asked sitting up. Looking down I saw I was in the same towel untouched. I glan
ced at the clock on my nightstand displaying 7:37am. When no response came I asked a new question. “How long was I sleeping?”

  “Six hours Lexi. You slept for six hours trying to kill yourself. Why did you lie to me?!” he yelled, his eyes piercing through me like a knife.

  “What are you talking about?”

  He closed his eyes and began rubbing his temples between deep breathes. When he spoke again, he was calm, but the anger still resounded in his lowered voice. “Dr. H was here. He diagnosed your problem. Your mother was hysterical feeling at fault somehow, your father was a mess unable to cope with it all and your aunt was, well she was just relieved to know what was really wrong with you.”

  “Where are they?” I pressed hearing nothing or no one in the house but me and Kellan.

  “They left. I told them I would stay with you. I promised to call when you woke up,” he replied.

  I swallowed hard. It made sense now. I fully understood why Kellan was so irate. They figured out my secret. They now knew I’d been avoiding human blood. Worse, my mother felt that it’s her fault, that she forced me into this decision which wasn’t the case. I felt awful. The whole purpose in me avoiding human blood was to not hurt anyone, to avoid inflicting pain upon other families, yet somehow I still imposed it on my own. I sunk back down into the covers, lifting them over my head in shame.

  He climbed on top of me over the covers. With one swift move I was uncovered, lying in my towel. He stared directly into my eyes, I felt like I was looking at an angry bear disturbed during hibernation.

  “I just need to know. Why did you lie?” he asked directly in a calm, tightly controlled voice.

  “I didn’t technically lie, I just never corrected your assumptions,” I muttered.

  “Lexi, please, I’m trying to understand,” he pleaded still rash in tone.

  “I… I don’t want to kill humans for my appetite. I know too many good ones. I don’t want to be a ruthless murderer of mothers and fathers and brothers and daughters. I couldn’t imagine losing my dad! I can’t selfishly inflict that on someone else,” I explained, tears welling quickly in the well of my eyes, imagining the pain I would suffer over the loss of my dad.