by Scott Lynch
“And you were at pains to insist that you didn’t trust me any farther than you could throw this carriage.”
“Why the hell are you even here? Do you have some message?”
“The message is this: Mind your task, Locke Lamora. You’re here to win, not to woo.”
“I’m here to do both. Carte blanche was the deal. Are you reneging?”
“I’m just relaying—”
“My disinterest in your bullshit is so tangible you could make bricks out of it. Carte blanche, yes or no?”
“Yes,” she said. “But you should be very, very careful how long you test our forbearance. When dealing with a horse that won’t make speed, one tends to apply a whip to its flanks, doesn’t one?”
“You told me you people love to sit back and watch your agents run around entertaining you. So kindly sit back, shut up, and be entertained.”
“I intend to be,” she said. Between heartbeats she was gone, without so much as a rustle of fabric.
“Gods damn it,” said Locke. “Tell me I wouldn’t be such a tremendous pain in the ass if I had those powers.”
“You’d be worse,” sighed Jean. “I’d have killed you myself a long time ago. And you know what else?”
“Hrrrm?”
“Patience can lick scorpions in hell. You and Sabetha take your time and sort out whatever the last five years have done to you. I’m here to mind the shop whenever you’re out.”
4
“OH, GODS,” said Nikoros, who was sitting at Josten’s bar behind a half-finished drink that was a bit too large and a bit too early in the day. “Oh, thank the gods! Where have you two been?”
“On the road, dear fellow,” said Locke, seizing Nikoros around the shoulders and pulling him to his feet. Locke ground his teeth as he noticed the sharp smell of something alchemical on Nikoros’ breath, and his dilated pupils, but there was no time to berate him just now. “Engaged in terribly important secret affairs! Where do we stand?”
“We’re, uh, beset by unexpected complications,” said Nikoros, bewildered. “We’re getting our asses kicked. The bookmakers are projecting a fourteen-seat Konseil majority for the Black—”
“That’s great,” said Locke, flush with the heady exhilaration that comes from absolute freedom to bullshit absolutely. “That’s excellent. That’s the whole point of the exercise! Master Callas and I have been making careful arrangements to create the false impression of a total state of disarray on our side. Get it? We’ve got the Black Iris right where we want them.”
“Uh … really?” Hope brought new color to Nikoros’ face with startling speed, and Locke sighed. Between whatever he’d been drinking and the “adjustments” of the Bondsmagi, Nikoros probably had the free will of a sponge. “That sounds great!”
“Doesn’t it?” said Locke. “Now summon a physiker. Then grab every trustworthy dogsbody and scribe you can lay hands on and bring them up to me in the Deep Roots private gallery in five minutes. Go, go, go! Josten?”
“At your service, Master Lazari.”
“Food for five hungry fat men, in the private gallery, as soon as possible.”
“I gave some orders when I saw you walk in.”
“Bless you. Master Callas will want coffee, too. Hot enough to strip paint. Did you have any problems while we were away? Security trouble?”
“Your people caught half a dozen folks trying to break in. Sent them off with bad headaches. They also tell me we’re being watched from several points around the neighborhood.”
“We’ll tend to that soon enough.” Locke beckoned for Jean to follow, and the two of them passed through the crowd of afternoon businessfolk and traders, exchanging friendly nods with Deep Roots supporters barely remembered from the night of Nikoros’ party. In moments they were up in the party’s private gallery, temporarily alone.
“Is there an actual plan running around in your head?” wheezed Jean.
“Crap sparks until something catches fire.” Locke settled into a high-backed chair and brushed dust from his filthy tunic. “Noise and action to keep Sabetha guessing while we cook up a real scheme. We start with childish pranks and escalate steadily. Gods, I wish we had some proper urchins, some Right People that knew what they were doing.”
Camorri outlaws had never thought very highly of their fraternal associates in other cities, but Karthain was the least-regarded of all. Locke hadn’t once heard of a Karthani gang that had any reach, any of the savage pride or inventiveness that Camorri, Verrari, or even Lashani crews took for granted.
“It’s the Presence,” said Jean. “The Bondsmagi have these people tamed.”
Food and coffee were the first of the commanded resources to arrive. Locke scarfed down meat and bread; neither lingered long enough before his eyes or in his mouth for full identification. Jean sipped coffee and ate a roll, almost daintily, with obvious discomfort.
A few moments later, a dark-skinned woman with neat gray hair came up the stairs carrying a leather bag.
“I’m Scholar Triassa,” she said, frowning at Jean. “And that nose tells quite a story.”
While she began her examination, tactfully saying nothing about the fact that Locke and Jean smelled like goats, Nikoros and half a dozen scribes and assistants came up the stairs.
“Good,” said Locke, gulping a last bite of food. “It’s time to give those Black Iris gits a taste of some friendly piss-artistry. Whet your quills. Scribe everything down exactly. Give your notes to Nikoros when we’re finished, and he’ll handle the actual work assignments.
“I want a letter drafted immediately to the chief constable of Lashain, whoever that is. Tell them that four horses stolen from an armored carriage service bound for Lashain have been located in the stables at the Sign of the Black Iris in Karthain. Each horse has a clearly visible brand on its neck. These horses were received as stolen property and not reported to the Karthani authorities. Sign it ‘a friend’ and get it to the very next ship crossing the Amathel with mail.”
Jean chuckled, then grunted as Scholar Triassa continued her work. Locke paced back and forth as he spoke.
“Tomorrow I’ll secure an addition to party funds. I want a thousand ducats handed out to trustworthy Deep Roots members in increments of five to twenty ducats apiece. I want them all to go out this week and place bets, with anyone taking them, on the Deep Roots winning the election. I want a sudden surge of Deep Roots confidence, so the opposition can have a good hard worry about the possibility that we know something they don’t.
“I want another thousand spent on cakes and wine, rigged up in baskets with green ribbons. Complimentary baskets go to the houses of tradesfolk, merchants, alchemists, scribes, physikers—anyone respectable that isn’t already part of the Deep Roots family. Let’s go wooing new voters.”
“That might, uh, cause a problem with some of the, uh, senior party members,” said Nikoros. “Traditionally we’re very choosy about new members. We have private salons, by invitation. We don’t, uh, sweep the streets for recruits.”
Locke poured a mug of coffee and took a long sip. And for those refined tastes, you idiots have been crowded out hard in the last two elections, he thought.
“Am I in charge here, Nikoros?”
“Oh, uh, gods yes, absolutely sir. I didn’t mean to imply anything other—”
“We will sweep the streets for recruits if it comes to that. I’ll put a bag of gold in the hands of any brick-witted cross-eyed sheepfucker who can mark a parchment. Anytime you want to question me, remind yourself that the opposition doesn’t share your delicate gods-damned traditions. All they care about is winning.”
“Er, of course.”
“The baskets go out. No demands, no obligations, not yet. We just want people thinking kindly of us. Arm-twisting comes later.
“More quietly,” he continued, “hunt down our party members with debts, troubles in court, that sort of thing. Give me a list of their little problems and we’ll send people out to fix them. In ex
change, we’ll own their asses and set them toiling.
“Now, conversely. Black Iris party members with weaknesses. Debts, affairs, scandals, addictions, legal entanglements. I want that list! I want to scratch every wound, pour vinegar in every cut, pluck every low-hanging fruit. Constant, total harassment, seizing any opportunity they give us, starting before the sun rises again.”
“As you wish,” said Nikoros.
“To that end … I need a trustworthy alchemist. I need a wagon … a few dozen small animal cages … as many live snakes as we can get our hands on.”
“Live snakes?” said one of the scribes. “You mean—”
“Yeah,” said Locke. “They’ve got scales, they slither around—snakes. Keep up. We only want ’em if they’re not venomous! That means barn serpents, brown marshies, belt snakes. Anything else you have in these parts that fits the bill. Use mercenaries, boys, girls, anyone.… Offer a suitable bounty, but keep it gods-damned quiet. I don’t want word of this little project going too far. Drop the cages in the cellar and keep the snakes there until further notice. How’s Master Callas’ nose?”
“Badly set,” said the physiker. “I gather from your rather forthright aroma that you gentlemen have been unable to rest for several days.”
“Woefully correct,” said Locke.
“It’ll have to be rebroken. It’s plain this isn’t your first such injury, Master Callas, and you’re developing a breathing obstruction.”
“Then do it,” said Jean.
“I’ll need two cups of brandy, some assistants, and some rope.”
“No time for all that,” growled Jean, “and I want my head clear for work. Just do it here and now.”
“Your pardon, Master Callas, but I don’t relish the thought of a man your size lashing out at me—”
“Scholar,” said Locke, “this building is more likely to collapse than my friend is to lose control of himself.”
“I’m doubling my fee,” said the woman sternly.
“And I’m tripling it,” said Jean. “Go on, snap the damn thing to where it ought to be. I’ve had worse, and I’ve had it without warning.”
Triassa placed her hands carefully, as though Jean’s head were a clay sculpture and she meant to pinch the nose off and start over. She applied pressure with one smooth motion; Jean remained still but did indulge in a long, deep, appropriately theatrical groan. The sound of whatever was moving or breaking inside the nose itself made Locke shudder as though his privates had just been dipped in ice water, and a collective gasp arose from the scribes.
“Perhaps just one small brandy,” rasped Jean, barely moving his lips. Tears ran down his cheeks. Locke pointed at one of the scribes; the woman nodded and hurried out of the gallery.
Triassa deftly set Jean’s nose in cream-colored alchemical plasters and wrapped linen around his head. “Keep this in place,” she said. “You’ve danced this dance before, so don’t do anything foolish. Brace your head while you sleep. Come see me tomorrow—I’m across the street.”
“Thanks,” said Jean. A moment later the helpful scribe returned with a glass of caramel-brown liquor, which Jean poured carefully down his throat.
“Well, then,” said Locke. “Now that we’ve all realized precisely how tough we’ll never be, let’s stand on what we have. Pass your lists to Nikoros and he’ll mind the details.”
“Sirs,” said Nikoros as his hands rapidly filled with papers, “I’m pleased to see you back and taking a more active role in our affairs, but, ah, this volume of work—”
“Don’t fret, Nikoros, there’s plenty of time, assuming none of us sleeps before dawn.” Locke gave Nikoros a reassuring squeeze on the arm, then lowered his voice to a private whisper. “Also, if I catch you stuffing another speck of black alchemy down your throat, your job situation is going to be vacant. Understand?”
“Master Lazari, sir, what can I say? I’m ashamed … but you were gone … everything was so confused—”
“Everything is now unconfused. We’re gonna have baths drawn and rejoin civilization. Get to work. Get me that list and get me that alchemist. There’s two ladies in particular waiting to see what we’ve got up our sleeves, and it’s time for things to get hectic.”
“Uh, of course, Master Lazari.”
“Nikoros!”
“Uh, yes, sir?”
“I just had a really exciting thought. Get me the list, the alchemist, and then get me a city constable! A well-bent one. Someone who thinks with their purse and isn’t shy about it.”
“Uh, certainly, but it may take—”
“Tonight, Nikoros, tonight!”
5
LOCKE AND Jean found steaming baths in their suite, along with more food and enough towels, body scrapers, and scented oil jars to supply a rather hygienic harem. Refreshed and repackaged in respectable outer layers, they returned to the Deep Roots private gallery to find Nikoros waiting, new papers in hand. Locke scanned them as rapidly as the crabbed handwriting would permit.
“Good, good,” he muttered. “Debts, lots of debts. Eager little gamblers, our Black Iris friends … Who’d be holding most of these?”
“Most of the debts that aren’t between gentlefolk would involve Fifthson Lucidus, over in the Vel Verda.… Well, he owns the chance houses in the Vel Verda, but he lives somewhere on Isas Merreau.”
“Lovely,” said Locke. “A little duke of the dice-dens. He’s not a big player in either political party, is he?”
“Doesn’t give a damn about the elections, as far as I know.”
“Better and better,” said Locke. “Exactly the sort of man Master Callas and I should see in the small hours of the night, like dutiful physikers paying a house call.”
“Physikers?”
“Absolutely. We want him firmly convinced that if he disregards our advice his health is apt to suffer. Now, where’s my alchemist and my constable?”
“Coming, Master Lazari, coming.…”
6
THE MOONS were shy in just the way thieves prefer, hidden behind clouds like black wool, and the brisk south wind carried the scents of lake water and forge smoke. Banked-down furnaces were faint smudges of red and orange nestled among the shadows of the Isle of Hammers, and the view from the window of Fifthson Lucidus’ third-story bedroom captured it all nicely.
Locke took a moment to properly appreciate the tableau before he turned and woke Lucidus with a slap to the face.
“Mmmmmph,” said the heavyset Karthani. His exclamation was muffled by Jean, who, standing behind his bed, slapped one hand over his mouth and hauled him to a sitting position with the other.
“Shhhh,” said Locke, who sat down at Lucidus’ feet. He adjusted the aperture of his dark-lantern to throw a thin beam directly on the bearded and bleary-eyed fellow, whose face wore the sort of extra years that came out of a wine bottle. “Your first thought will be to struggle, so I’d like you to think about where and how deep I can cut you while leaving you perfectly capable of conversation.”
He unsheathed a long, freshly polished steel blade, and was sure to catch the lantern light with it before he slapped Lucidus’ legs with the flat of the weapon.
“Your second thought,” said Locke, who wore an improvised gray linen mask, “will be to summon that big man who’s supposed to be watching your front door. I’m afraid we’ve put him to sleep for a bit. So now my associate will take his hand off your mouth, and you’ll mind your tone of voice.”
“Who the hell are you?” whispered Lucidus.
“What we are is the important thing. We’re better than you. There’s no defense you can dream up and no hole you can hide in that will keep us from doing this to you anytime we please.”
“What … what do you want?”
“Take a good look at these names.” Locke sheathed the blade and pulled out a torn sheet of parchment with a short list on it. The names had been culled from the larger list provided by Nikoros. They weren’t merely opposition voters, but components of vary
ing importance in the Black Iris political machine. “Some of these men and women owe you money, yes?”
“Yes,” said Lucidus, squinting at the parchment. “Yes … most of them, in fact.”
“Good,” said Locke. “Because you’re about to have some money problems, understand? You’re going to call in your markers on all of these fine citizens.”
“Wait just a— Hggggrrrrkkk—”
This last exclamation was a result of Jean reasserting his presence, without prompting from Locke, via the careful application of a forearm to Lucidus’ windpipe.
“I’m not soliciting opinions,” said Locke, gesturing for Jean to ease up. “I’m giving orders. Yank the leash on these people or bad luck follows. Chance houses burn down. Nice homes like this burn down. The tendons in your legs get slashed. Understood?”
“Yes … yes …”
“About those money issues.” Locke held up a purse, stuffed near bursting with about ten pounds of coins, and Lucidus’ eyes went wide. “A hidden floor panel? Seriously? I was learning how to spot that sort of thing when I was six. You squeeze these people hard, get it? Collect the debts. Do your best and you’ll get this purse back, plus a hundred ducats. That’s nothing to scoff at, is it?”
“N-no …”
“Fuck it up,” said Locke, lowering his voice to a growl, “and this money vanishes. Try to cross me, and I’ll carve you like a festival roast. Get to work tomorrow, and don’t worry about looking for us. When we want to talk again we’ll find you.”
7
“NOW TELL us,” said Jean, staring down at a detailed map of Karthain with all of its avenues and islands, “which districts are usually considered an absolute lock for either party?”
It was deepening evening, the day after their midnight visit to the house of Fifthson Lucidus. Locke and Jean were in the private gallery with Damned Superstition Dexa and Firstson Epitalus. Nikoros, who’d been worked like a clockwork automaton for longer than Locke had intended, had passed out in a high-backed chair. Whether it was honest fatigue or alchemically induced, Locke allowed him to snore on for the time being.