Giant Book of Jokes, Riddles, and Brain Teasers

by Michael Dahl

  DIDJA HEAR?

  Didja hear about the police officer who arrested the young cat?

  He saw the kitty litter.

  Didja hear about the baby girl who wanted to play basketball?

  She had trouble dribbling.

  Didja hear about the taxicab driver who lost his job?

  He was driving away all his customers.

  Didja hear about the pet shop owner who couldn't sell his porcupine?

  He was stuck with it.

  Didja hear about the cannibal who ate his mother's sister?

  He was an aunt-eater.

  Didja hear about the woman who'd buy anything that was marked down?

  She came home with an elevator.

  Didja hear about the sailor who was kicked off the submarine?

  He liked sleeping with the windows open.

  Picto-Laugh #1

  A pictograph is a very simple drawing of something funny. Can you guess what this little picto-laugh is showing? HINT: Think about something itsy-bitsy!

  Say What?

  Figure out where to put each of the scrambled letters. They all fit in spaces under their own columns. When you fill in the grid, you will have the answer to the following riddle: Didja hear about the piano tuner who was arrested at the aquarium?

  Didja hear about the piano tuner who was arrested at the aquarium?

  Didja hear about the rubber man from the circus who was killed in an auto wreck?

  He died in his own arms.

  Didja hear about the lady who stopped feeding the pigeons?

  The birds revolted and formed a coo.

  Didja hear about the kitten that loves to play with a piece of string?

  After a while he has a ball.

  LARRY AND LUNA

  Luna: My poor cat doesn't have a nose!

  Larry: How does she smell?

  Luna: Terrible!

  Luna: I must be sick. I'm seeing spots.

  Larry: Have you seen a doctor?

  Luna: No, just spots.

  “Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies.”

  — E. B. White

  Luna: Why is it better to buy a thermometer in the winter?

  Larry: Because in summer they go up!

  Luna: My candy bar is missing.

  Larry: That's too bad, because it tasted delicious.

  Luna: What's the last thing you take off before you go to bed?

  Larry: My feet off the floor.

  Larry: How many feet are in a yard?

  Luna: That depends on how many people are standing in it.

  Luna: How many seconds are in a year?

  Larry: Twelve.

  Luna: Only twelve! Are you sure?

  Larry: Yeah, the second of January, the second of February …

  Luna: I can tell the future.

  Larry: Really?

  Luna: Yes. I can tell you what the score of a soccer game is before it even starts.

  Larry: What is it?

  Luna: Nothing to nothing.

  Larry: What's the best thing to put in a pie?

  Luna: Your teeth!

  Luna: Do you know how long the world's longest nose was?

  Larry: Eleven inches.

  Luna: That's not very long.

  Larry: If it was any longer it would be a foot.

  “The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.”

  — e.e. cummings

  Larry: Did I tell you my mom's been in the hospital for years?

  Luna: Wow! She must really be sick.

  Larry: Nah, she's a doctor.

  Luna: I just got back from the beauty shop.

  Larry: It was closed, huh?

  Larry: There's something wrong with that pizza I ate.

  Luna: How do you know?

  Larry: Inside information.

  Larry: How do you keep a skunk from smelling?

  Luna: Plug his nose!

  Luna: Is there any tapioca pudding on the menu?

  Waiter: There was, but I wiped it off.

  Larry: Why are you scratching yourself?

  Luna: Because I'm the only person who knows where it itches.

  Larry: What did you think of the Grand Canyon?

  Luna: It was just gorges!

  Luna: Who was that on the phone?

  Larry: Some joker. He said, “It's long-distance from Japan,” and I said, “It sure is!” and hung up.

  Larry: Boy! My diet must be working.

  Luna: Why do you say that?

  Larry: I can finally see the numbers on the bathroom scale.

  Larry: I'm on a new diet. I only eat food that swims.

  Luna: That sounds great! Fish is very healthy for you.

  Larry: Yuck, forget fish! Do you realize how much trouble I'm having teaching a cow to dog-paddle?

  Larry: Do you believe in astrology?

  Luna: No, it's just a lot of Taurus.

  SCHOOL JOKES

  Alex: Teacher! Teacher! Jimmy just swallowed four quarters!

  Teacher: Now, why would he do that?

  Alex: It's his lunch money.

  Alex: Teacher! Teacher! Now, Jimmy swallowed all his pennies. And it's your fault!

  Teacher: Why is it my fault?

  Alex: You told him he needed more sense.

  Teacher: You need to study harder, Alex. Why, when I was your age, I could recite all the presidents' names by heart.

  Amy: Yeah, but there were only two or three back then.

  FUN FACT

  BOGGLE BOX

  In his bestselling book, The BFG (Big Friendly Giant), author Roald Dahl's giant hero has his own name for everything. For instance, a school is called a “boggle box.”

  If you've ever been to school — and who hasn't? — you'll know that the name fits!

  Teacher: Where are all the kings and queens of England crowned?

  Amy: On the tops of their heads.

  Teacher: Give me a sentence using the word “gladiator.”

  Alex: The lion ate my bossy Aunt Mimi, and I'm glad he ate her!

  Teacher: Correct this sentence: “Aliens is in the classroom.”

  Alex: Forget the sentence, Teach! Run for your life!

  Teacher: Tell me how you'd use the word “rhythm” in a sentence.

  Alex: My older brother is going to the movies, and I want to go rhythm.

  Teacher: Where can you find the Red Sea?

  Amy: Usually on my report card.

  Teacher: Let's do a simple math lesson. How many fingers do you have?

  Alex: Ten.

  Teacher: And if three fingers were taken away, what would you have?

  Alex: I would have to give up my saxophone lessons!

  Teacher: Name a creature that is very good at catching flies.

  Amy: A baseball player in left field.

  Teacher: Can you use the word “fascinate” in a sentence?

  Alex: Yeah. My jacket has ten buttons, but I can only fasten eight.

  Teacher: Can anyone tell me what a myth is?

  Amy: A female moth.

  Mother: Explain this “D” on your test, dear.

  Amy: I'm having trouble with my Is.

  Mother: You need new glasses?

  Amy: No, I can't spell “Mississippi”!

  Teacher: Did you wake up grouchy this morning, young man?

  Alex: No, Dad and I let her sleep.

  Teacher: Who was Joan of Arc?

  Alex: Noah's wife.

  Alex: Why are kindergarten teachers so optimistic?

  Amy: Cuz every day they try to make the little things count.

  Teacher: How did you get so messy?

  Amy: I had an inkling of what I wanted to write my report about. So I grabbed a pen and paper.

  Teacher: And then?

  Amy: Then my pen had an inkling all over my shirt!Teacher: Tell me the name of the Prince of Wales.

  Amy: Orca.

  Mother: I don't think my child deserves a zero on this test. />
  Teacher: Neither do I, ma'am. But it's the lowest score I can give!

  Teacher: Use the word “paradox” in a sentence.

  Alex: The hunter shot a paradox flying over the lake.

  Mother: Your teacher tells me you're at the bottom of the class.

  Angie: Yeah, but they teach the same thing at both ends.

  Teacher: Why were you late to school?

  Amy: There are eight in my family, Teach, but the clock was only set for seven.

  Mother: Why don't you like your new teacher, honey?

  Amy: Because she told me to sit in the front row for the present. And then she never gave me any present!

  Mother: Why did you have to stay after school today, Alex?

  Alex: I flunked the test. I didn't know where the Appalachians were.

  Mother: Well, next time remember where you put things, dear.

  Teacher: That makes five times I've had to punish you this week, Darren. What do you have to say for yourself?

  Darren: I'm glad it's Friday!

  Alex: Would you yell at me for something I didn't do?

  Teacher: Certainly not.

  Alex: Good, because I didn't do my homework.

  QUICKIES

  One microbe ran into another microbe while swimming through a bloodstream.

  “You don't look so hot,” said the first microbe.

  “I feel terrible,” said the second microbe. “I think I'm coming down with penicillin.”

  If we breathe oxygen during the day, what do we breathe at night?

  Nitrogen.

  “I think the cuckoo in my cuckoo clock is tired.”

  “That's silly!”

  “No, it's not. You'd be tired too if you'd been running all night.”

  What's the hardest thing about falling out of bed?

  The floor.

  Sounds Funny To Me

  Match each funny sound riddle to the correct picture punchline.

  What goes “Z-Z-U-B, Z-Z-U-B, Z-Z-U-B”?

  What goes “HOE, HOE, HOE”?

  What goes “ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ — sluuuuurp”?

  What goes “HA, HA, HA — thump”?

  What goes “99 thump, 99 thump, 99 thump”?

  What goes “tick-WOOF, tick-WOOF, tick-WOOF”?

  What did the princess say while she waited for her photos to come back from the store?

  “Some day my prints will come!”

  Terry: Why is the Mississippi River so rich?

  Nick: Because it has two banks and it makes deposits all day long.

  Why are you taking that hammer to bed?

  So I can get up at the crack of dawn!

  What do you get for the man who has everything?

  A burglar alarm!

  “Long distance? I'd like to place a call to Aberystwyth, Wales.”

  “Could you spell that please?”

  “If I could spell it, I'd write!”

  How do robots celebrate Mother's Day?

  They send a dozen red roses to the power company.

  Judge: This is the last time I want to see you in my court! Do you realize that for the last twenty years, I've seen you in here at least once a month?

  Crook: Sorry, your Honor. But it's not my fault that you haven't been promoted.

  Karl: Boy, am I mad at my brother!

  Trent: What did he do?

  Karl: I let him ride my new bicycle, and I told him to treat it as if it were his own.

  Trent: So?

  Karl: He sold it.

  Molar: Hey, why are you getting all dressed up?

  Wisdom Tooth: The dentist is taking me out tonight.

  “You're very healthy,” said the doctor. “You should live to be eighty.”

  “But, I am eighty!” said the patient.

  “See? What did I tell you?”

  A young fellow was walking through an unfamiliar part of town late at night. Two muggers jumped out from the shadows and dragged him to the ground. The young guy put up quite a fight, but eventually the two thugs overpowered him.

  One of the muggers grabbed the man's wallet, looked inside, and then threw it down in disgust.

  “You put up all that fight for just a measly two bucks?” said the mugger.

  The fellow answered, “Shucks, no. I was afraid you were gonna find the three hundred dollars I hid in my shoe.”

  What's the hottest day of the week?

  Fry day.

  What's the unhappiest day of the week?

  Sadder day.

  What's the driest day of the week?

  Thirst day.

  “Could you fix the volume on my car horn?”

  “Is it broken?”

  “No, but my brakes are.”

  Darren: Every time I have a cup of coffee, I get a sharp pain in my right eye. What should I do, Doctor?

  Doctor: Take the spoon of out your cup.

  Mother: Jenny, have you finished filling up the salt shakers yet?

  Jenny: No, Mom. It's hard pushing the salt through those tiny holes.

  Trent: Is there a place where I can catch the 1:30 bus to town?

  Danny: That depends on how fast you can run. It left ten minutes ago.

  A father saw his son out in the backyard cleaning their homemade swing, a rubber tire hanging by a rope from a tree branch. The son was hosing it down, wiping it off, dusting out the inside. The puzzled father went outside and said, “Son, I thought you were playing on the golf course with your friends this afternoon.” “I was,” replied the boy. “But the golf instructor said I needed to improve my swing.”

  Perry: Officer! Somebody stole my car!

  Police Officer: Did you see who did it?

  Perry: No, but I got the license number.

  Two women met at a laundromat. As they talked, the first woman said, “I have five children.” The other woman said, “That sounds nice. I wish I had five children.” “Don't you have any children?” asked the first woman. “Yeah, ten!” said the second.

  Jokin' Around

  Eye to Eye

  Make this statement to a friend:“I can put this sheet of paper down on the floor, and I'll bet we can both stand on it, but you won't be able to touch me.” Your friend will be eager to take such an easy bet. Lay the sheet of paper down in a doorway. Shut the door carefully so that the two ends of the sheet stick out on either side. Voila! You and your friend will be able to stand on the sheet on opposite sides of the door. But neither of you can touch the other person. Bet won!

  Tip: This trick works even better with an extra long sheet of paper.

  OUTTA THIS WORLD

  Why are astronauts always so clean?

  Because they take meteor showers.

  Which tastes better, a comet or an asteroid?

  An asteroid, because it's meteor.

  How is a comet like the dog Wishbone?

  They're both stars with tails.

  What planet goes up in the summer and down in the winter?

  Mercury.

  Where do astronauts eat?

  The lunch-pad.

  How do astronauts keep their rockets free from dust?

  They drive through the vacuum of outer space.

  What is at the center of Jupiter?

  The letter “I.”

  Why couldn't the astronauts land on the moon?

  Because it was full.

  Why did the cowboy want to buy a satellite?

  So he could watch where he was going when it got dark.

  Did you hear about the astronomer who got knocked out?

  He's seeing stars.

  Where can you see new stars?

  In Hollywood.

  Astronaut: What's the difference between a Martian burp and a sandstorm?

  Astronut: Sandstorms don't glow in the dark.

  Alien: I was born on the planet Neptune.

  Scientist: That's amazing! Which part?

  Alien: All of me.

  Astronaut: What are you digging in your pockets for?
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  Astronut: You said we'd be landing this thing at a meteor, and most parking meteors only take quarters.

  Did you hear about the young girl who plans to be an astronaut?

  Her teacher says she's taking up space!

  Did you hear about the Martian who flew to Earth to buy a brand new car for his family? He told the car salesman, “I want the body green, the wheels green, the interior green, and the windows tinted green.” The salesman said, “No problem.” After the Martian ordered his new car, he made an interplanetary long-distance call to his wife to tell her the good news. “That's terrific, honey,” said his wife. “But what color is it?” “Flesh tones,” said the Martian.

  Did you hear about that new restaurant on the moon?

  Great food, but no atmosphere.

  What's the only Irish constellation?

  Orion.

  “Sir, do you believe in UFOs?”

  “No comet.”

  Two Venusians landed in front of a busy stoplight.

  The first one said, “She's cute. I saw her first.”

  The second one said, “Yeah, but I'm the one she winked at.”

  What do astronauts take for a headache?

  Space capsules.

  “I just got back from the Dog Star.” “Sirius?”

  If astronauts are so smart, why do they count backwards?

  Scientist: Your mission is to land on the Sun.

  Astronaut: Are you nuts? I'll burn up!

  Scientist: That's why you're going at night.

  Two Martians landed their spacecraft in a quiet stretch of countryside.

  “I think this must be a human cemetery,” said the first Martian. “See that marker over there? It's a gravestone. And it gives the human's age, too — one hundred and two.”

  “What was his name?” asked the second Martian.

  “Miles to Milwaukee.”

  PROFESSOR FRUITCAKE

  Did you hear about the mad scientist who married the Amish woman?

  He drove her buggy.

  Did you hear about the mad scientist who worked for the woman peanut farmer?