by Dan DiSorbo
PUSH IT REAL GOOD
Lock the pump onto the keg by rotating it clockwise. Once the tap is seated properly, engage the tap by pulling the handle out, then pushing it down. Doing it quickly and decisively prevents excess pressure from escaping all over your face.
DON’T PUMP
A common mistake for most newbies is to pump as soon as the keg’s been tapped. DON’T! The keg is already under pressure and any excess pumping will throw off the entire equilibrium and may lead to foamy beer the rest of the night.
COACH SAYS
Make sure you have the right tap. Domestic and imported kegs often use different tapping systems. When in doubt, get both.
THIN THE HERD
Open the spigot all the way. Always fully depress this button since partial pressure only contributes to, you guessed it, foam. Once initial flow has successfully occurred, allow about four to six cups of foam to be expunged in order to make room for better-balanced pours thereafter.
COACH SAYS
Scratches in your glass produce more foam by creating nucleation sites for the bubbles to form. If you have a glass that is scratched, rinse it with some water to coat the surface and prevent excessive bubblage.
NOW THAT WE KNOW HOW to access the beer, we must learn to transfer it. However, getting the beer into the glass is no simple matter. Like having sex, pouring beer is a process that is more complicated than simply putting one thing into another. When poured too slowly, it can become flat and bland. When poured too quickly, it can turn into a sloppy, gross mess. Again, like sex.
MASTER THE GEOMETRY
The most important word to remember when pouring a beer is “middle,” since everything about the process is focused on balance. First, with bottle in one hand and beer glass in the other, tilt both so they are facing each other at 45-degree angles (the middle of a right angle, if you will).
AIM AND POUR, DON’T DROP
The target to aim for is the middle of the glass’s side. This will give the beer a chance to hit the glass and still allow adequate space before it hits the bottom. To begin pouring, tilt the bottle toward the glass and let the beer flow from the bottle at a moderate pace.
SHIFT THE ANGLE
As the beer fills the glass and climbs up the side, space is going to begin running out. Once the beer fills to the middle of the glass, begin slowly leveling out the glass and bringing it back to a 90-degree angle.
AS MOST PEOPLE KNOW, some of the best baseball players get a hit only three out of every ten at bats. Like pro athletes, even the best beer drinking professional isn’t perfect. Since some beers have a tendency to foam up more than others, not every pour is going to be immaculate. Because of that, excessive head can arise when it’s least expected or wanted.
FACE GREASE TECHNIQUE
One of the most common—and possibly cringe-inducing—ways to dissolve excess head from a beer can be found on your face: natural oil. Simply rub a finger along a section of face (the bridge of the nose works best since this is where much of the natural facial oil collects), then swirl that finger through the beer and watch the foam retreat into thin air.
SLICE AND DICE TECHNIQUE
Another far more badass way to remove foam is with the blunt edge of a knife. As the foam crests over the top of the glass, drag the knife along the rim and scrape off the excess foam. It may look classy, but it requires you to have a knife on your person at all times… which is not classy.
THE BLOW TECHNIQUE
The blow is exactly what it sounds like: blowing the light, fluffy foam off of the top of the beer as if it were a dandelion. Kind of a dainty gesture, but an effective one nonetheless.
THE SCIENCE BEHIND FACE GREASE
When a beer is poured into a glass, little carbonated air bubbles rush to the top, grabbing protein molecules on their way up. The protein groups together at the top to form thick bundles of carbon dioxide, thus producing the foamy head of a beer. The foam stays on top of the beer due to the carbohydrates that are inherent in the brew.
Where does the greasy goodness of the human face come into play? Simply: oil. The natural oils of the human face reduce the surface tension of those thick carbon dioxide bubbles. This causes them to collapse and break apart, thus dissipating the excess foam at the head of the beer.
DESPITE WHAT MOM SAYS, it’s very easy to judge a book by its cover. For instance, a book with a cover featuring a ninja dinosaur playing air guitar on a pirate ship is sure to be amazing. But because people don’t have book covers, we use body language to make better judgments about one another. The way a person holds their beer is no different. Here’s a rundown of the most common grips.
THE EVERYMAN GRIP
Tried and true, the everyman grip is accomplished by wrapping all four fingers around the body of the bottle to meet with the thumb, keeping the bottle secure without taking any chances.
THE HANGMAN
The hangman grip involves wrapping only one or two fingers and a thumb around the neck of the bottle. Though still a very safe and reliable way to hold a beer, the hangman’s lack of added finger support lets the bottle rest a little more dangerously.
THE PENDULUM
Using only the forefinger and the thumb to grip the neck of the bottle, the pendulum is a risky way to hold a beer, but damn, it looks cool. The pendulum person is a daredevil. When he sees the danger of dropping his beer bottle, he looks it in the eye, spits in its face, and sleeps with its sister.
THE TEXAS SIDE SIPPER
Lifted to the side of the mouth with two fingers, this grip looks like the drinker is taking a nip off a jug of moonshine. Few people do this naturally, so it shows that someone is wearing their Texas pride a little too much (bad) or that they just read this chapter (good).
TWO-CAN SLAM
This person holds not one, but two beers in his hand at once. This shows that someone is either good at planning ahead, or that they have a problem. Either way, they’ll be fun to talk to.
AROUND THE WORLD IN FORTY CHEERS
Here is a rundown of translations and pronunciations for one of the favorite words of beer lovers around the world, “Cheers!”
Language: Afrikaans
Word: Gesondheid
Pronounciation: Ge-sund-hate
Language: Albanian
Word: Gëzuar
Pronounciation: Geh-zoo-ah
Language: Arabic
Word: Fisehatak
Pronounciation: Fe-sahetek
Language: Azerbaijani
Word: Nuş olsun
Pronounciation: Nush ohlsun
Language: Bosnian
Word: Živjeli
Pronounciation: Zhee-vi-lee
Language: Bulgarian
Word: Nazdrave
Pronounciation: Naz-dra-vey
Language: Burmese
Word: Aung myin par say
Pronounciation: Au-ng my-in par say
Language: Catalan
Word: Salut
Pronounciation: Sah-lut
Language: Chamorro (Guam)
Word: Biba
Pronounciation: Bih-bah
Language: Chinese (Mandarin)
Word: Gān bēi
Pronounciation: Gan bay
Language: Czech
Word: Na zdravi
Pronounciation: Naz-drahvi
Language: Danish
Word: Skål
Pronounciation: Skoal
Language: Dutch
Word: Proost
Pronounciation: Prohst
Language: Estonian
Word: Terviseks
Pronounciation: Ter-vih-sex
Language: Filipino
Word: Mabuhay
Pronounciation: Mah-boo-hay
Language: Finnish
Word: Kippis
Pronounciation: Kip-piss
Language: French
Word: Santé/ A la votre
Pronounciation: Sahn-tay/ Ah la vo-tre
Language: Galician
&n
bsp; Word: Salud
Pronounciation: Saw-lood
Language: German
Word: Prost/ Zum wohl
Pronounciation: Prohst/ Tsum vohl
Language: Greek
Word: Ygeia
Pronounciation: Yamas
Language: Hawaiian
Word: Å’kålè ma’luna
Pronounciation: Okole maluna
Language: Hebrew
Word: L’chaim
Pronounciation: Luh-khah-yim
Language: Icelandic
Word: Skál
Pronounciation: Sk-owl
Language: Irish Gaelic
Word: Sláinte
Pronounciation: Slawn-cha
Language: Italian
Word: Salute/ Cin cin
Pronounciation: Saw-lu-tay/ Chin chin
Language: Japanese
Word: Kanpai
Pronounciation: Kan-pie
Language: Lithuanian
Word: I sveikatą
Pronounciation: Ee sweh-ka-ta
Language: Polish
Word: Na zdrowie
Pronounciation: Naz-droh-vee-ay
Language: Portuguese
Word: Saúde
Pronounciation: Saw-oo-de
Language: Russian
Word: Na zdorovie/ Za Vas
Pronounciation: Nuh zdah-rohv’-ee/ Zuh vahs
Language: Serbian
Word: Živeli
Pronounciation: Zhee-ve-lee
Language: Spanish
Word: Salud
Pronounciation: Sah-lud
Language: Swedish
Word: Skål
Pronounciation: Skawl
Language: Thai
Word: Chok dee
Pronounciation: Chok dee
Language: Yiddish
Word: Sei gesund
Pronounciation: Say geh-sund
ALL OF THIS PREPARATION comes down to this moment. The beer is so close to your innards you can practically taste it. But before you can put it to your lips, you need to pay respect to both the brew and your crew with a proper toast.
TOASTING FORMATIONS
THE CLINK AND DRINK
This classic will always get the job done. Vessels are raised, touched briefly, and brought back toward the drinkers.
THE DOUBLE CLINK
If the Clink and Drink is like a handshake, then this is a handshake with some soul. The top rims are clinked, then bottoms of the vessels are clinked.
COACH SAYS
When performing the physical toast, show some respect by looking the toastees in the eye at all times. Only an amateur needs to look at their beer—and you’re a champion, right?
THE TABLE TAP
For a toast with a little more oomph, perform the basic clink, and then bring the beer down with a synchronized tap on the table, before bringing it up to the lips. This is best performed in an already loud venue.
THE ON THREE
This formation is similar to a team breaking from a huddle. All vessels start off touching, and upon completion of the toast, the circle is broken by the simultaneous removal by each of the drinkers. It’s a good way to rally the troops.
BREW FACT
Respect the clink. Many cultures once believed that clinking glasses would ward off evil spirits—including those devilish ones responsible for drunkenness.
BEER BANTER
“I drink to make other people interesting.”
—GEORGE JEAN NATHAN
TOASTING WORDS
A toast is a sign of respect. The toaster must stand, look the other person or persons in the eye and say, well, that’s where it can get tricky … for some people. A drinking champion knows what to do and say. Here are five approved toasts for any occasion.
1. Here’s to a long life and a merry one.
A quick death and an easy one.
A pretty girl and an honest one.
A drink for you—and another one!
2. My friends are the best friends.
Loyal, willing, and able.
Now let’s get to drinking!
All glasses off the table!
3. May your glass be ever full.
May the roof over your head be always strong.
And may you be in heaven half an hour before the devil knows you’re dead.
4. Zicke, zacke, zicke, zacke, hoi, hoi, hoi!
5. Here’s to your genitalia.
May they never jail ya.
COACH SAYS
It’s always a must to stand up when reciting a toast—never toast while sitting down. So please stand and read this page again.
WE SHOULD NOT HAVE BURIED such an important point so deep in the chapter. But we weren’t sure you were ready. Clearly you are now.
STEP 1. TAKE A MAN-SIZED GULP. Dainty sips only give you part of the experience. Get in there and taste the liquid and the head.
STEP 2. DON’T SWALLOW YET. Let the beer hang out with your taste buds.
STEP 3. INHALE THROUGH YOUR NOSE. This opens up the flavor and really brings it to life.
STEP 4. SWALLOW. Sorry about the delay, but we think you’ll agree it was worth it.
STEP 5. TASTE THE BEER AGAIN. Of course. But also consider waiting for it to warm up, as lower temperatures can mask some flavor.
TASTING
There’s a lot more to beer tasting than just sucking down a cold one and giving it a thumbs-up or thumbs-down. To truly judge the taste of a beer, it takes more than the words “yummy!” and “ugh!” Beer tasting is a very subtle, nuanced process that begins even before a brew touches the lips.
APPEARANCE
Before a beer is even sipped, it’s judged on its appearance. Things like color, fullness, and head all play into this, as they provide telltale signs as to how the beer was made and how it will taste. Notice the color and clarity.
AROMA
The aroma of a beer can tell the taster as much about the beer as its initial appearance. The scent also contributes to the flavor of the beer, which is, of course, one of the most important aspects.
MOUTHFEEL
Once the beer is sipped, the taster then evaluates the mouthfeel, which is a judgment of the beer’s texture and overall drinkability.
FLAVOR
One of the more obvious things to take into consideration is flavor. The taster judges not just the overall taste of the beer, but also other subtleties such as hoppiness, bitterness, sweetness, etc.
AFTERTASTE
Lastly, the beer is judged by the mark it leaves after it’s swallowed, determining the overall finish.
TALKING LIKE A PRO
To properly judge a beer, more expressive words than “awesome” and “sucky” may be needed to accurately describe it. But who has time to finger through a dictionary? Match one word from each column to form what might pass as a coherent, well-developed opinion in the beertasting community!
COLUMN A COLUMN B COLUMN C
Warm Colorful Finish
Nutty Charming Taste
Bold Fearless Girth
Underwhelming Heavy Brew
Overpowering Aromatic Blend
Crisp Bitter Escape
Earthy Flavorful Treat
Unassuming Draconian Punishment
Tingly Airy Notes
Sweet Uneven Bouquet
THE FORBIDDEN JUICE
Sometimes a beer tastes best when enjoyed in unexpected places. Sure, a properly poured pint at a pub is a great way to end the night, but nothing starts off an adventure like a few smuggled warm brews. Be creative (and in many places criminal) and get started.
THREE WAYS TO SMUGGLE YOUR BEER ANYWHERE
Bringing your own beer is as good as free. And you feel like you stuck it to the man.
DISGUISE YOUR CAN
STEP 1: Empty a soda can—we know it tastes terrible and unbeer-like.
STEP 2: Use a can opener to remove the bottom and top.
STEP 3: Use sharp shears to cut straight up the side of the can.
STEP 4: Place over your beer and walk confidently—and straight if possible.
CREATE A FALSE BOTTOM FOR YOUR COOLER
STEP 1: Fill a cooler two-thirds full of beer.
STEP 2: Cover completely in ice.
STEP 3: Top with juice boxes and baby bottles full of formula. (Or write “organ donor” on the side).
STEP 4: Waltz past security.
KEG2-D2
STEP 1: Place a half-barrel keg on a mover’s dolly cart.
STEP 2: Break an old stereo and tape electrical parts to keg.
STEP 3: Attach string to cart.
STEP 4: Pull your new “robot” around. Tell people it’s your date and they’ll dismiss you as a mad scientist.