by Laura Drewry
“So Liam and Kate,” he said, shaking his head slightly. “That’s something, eh?”
“Yeah. It’s…” Lift foot up, put it down. Ouch. Stupid damn rocks—no, good, focus on the pain. “Something.”
“I mean, I know they’ve only been back together a little while, but, damn, I bet they end up married again in no time.”
“End up.” Jessie didn’t mean to spit the words at him, but they slipped out before she could stop herself. “I don’t think marriage is always a death sentence, you know.”
“Tell that to Ro.”
Ronan’s divorce was the reason he couldn’t stay at the Buoys with the rest of them; he couldn’t afford to leave his job in Calgary until he finished paying off his ex-wife’s tuition bills and convinced her to sell the house. And, knowing Mandy, it was going to take some kind of miracle to get her to agree to that, so until that miracle occurred, they’d only get to see Ronan during the holidays and on most long weekends.
And, of course, he’d come back next month when Hooked came up to film.
“Liam thought it was a death sentence, too,” Finn said, laughing quietly. “Right up until Kate got here.”
That was true. After his quickie marriage and divorce from Kate ten years ago, Liam had once again taken up the O’Donnell battle cry that women weren’t to be trusted, and he’d waved that flag for all he was worth right up until Kate walked back into his life. Ever since then, he’d been walking around with that smitten look on his face, which, in and of itself, pretty much proved the O’Donnell theory wrong.
As for Finn—as far as Jessie knew, he’d never had a woman in his life longer than a month or two. Didn’t matter who she was or how much he said he liked her, he just couldn’t seem to bring himself to trust her, and it didn’t take a shrink to figure out that the issue led straight to his mother.
It was a rare day that any of the O’Donnells mentioned Maggie, and Jessie had learned early on not to ask about her.
There’d been one night, in the fall of Jessie’s first year at the Buoys, when Jimmy had had way too much to drink again and was in a full-on rage about God knows what. She’d followed the yelling out back and stopped dead in her tracks as his drunken roar echoed around them.
She’d heard Jimmy say some pretty horrible things to Finn in the short time she’d been there, but hearing him say that Maggie had been right, that Finn had been their “biggest fuckin’ mistake”—that literally knocked Jessie back a few steps.
Finn hadn’t said a word, just kept chopping the kindling, but he got this look on his face, a ragged ache that split Jessie’s heart wide open because she knew that ache all too well; she felt it every time she looked at one of her parents.
And no matter how hard Finn tried to shrug it off or how hard she tried to convince him Jimmy hadn’t meant it, that haunted look had dimmed the light in his eyes for a long time afterward.
That was the day Jessie knew she had to do something to get Jimmy into AA.
She couldn’t imagine why Maggie O’Donnell would walk away from her husband and children, but there was no doubt that the pain she left in her wake was the reason Finn bolted from every relationship he’d ever had.
Better to be the bolter than the boltee.
It was too bad, because Finn was good people. He had a low-key smart-ass quality to him that never failed to make Jessie laugh. Smart, thoughtful, and always happy to sit and read with her in the great room, he had the patience of Job, something he proved over and over again, like when he’d first taught her how to fillet a salmon properly.
Or when he agreed to help her with this.
And, okay, yeah, she could admit it: Finn O’Donnell wasn’t exactly hard to look at, either.
Where Ronan looked more like Maggie, and Liam more like Jimmy, Finn had fallen somewhere in between. At close to six feet, he didn’t quite match either of his brothers in height, but he’d proven more than once that he could easily hold his own in a fight with either one of them.
He’d never been one to put much effort into his appearance, but at least he’d started letting Jessie and Kate trim his hair once in a while instead of buzzing it military-short by himself. It wasn’t that he looked awful with a buzz cut, because he didn’t—he’d probably look good bald—but Jessie just liked the look of his hair when it was a little longer and she could see its chestnutty hues.
His blue-green eyes were almost the same color as the water out in the cove, and even though Jessie wasn’t fussy about stubble, on him…it definitely worked. Especially when he smiled like that; like—
“Look at you.” Finn’s voice jolted her to her senses so fast she stumbled back a bit, but he never let go of her hands. “Whoa. You okay?”
“Uh, yeah.” Blinking hard, she gave herself a mental shake as everything around her came into focus. “I’m…oh my God…what am I doing?”
“You’re wading.”
Jessie froze in place, causing just enough of a wake to make the water lap against her legs, about halfway up her shins.
“No! I—”
The whole time she’d been staring at him, mentally tabulating everything he had going for him and sinking farther into the color of his eyes and that damn smile, she’d also been inching deeper and deeper into the lake without even knowing it.
And it was all because she’d been looking at him, thinking about him, what that smile did to her and how much she’d like to run her fingers through his hair and—
What? No! That was…crazy. Those weren’t things she thought about with Finn. Not Finn. And yet there she was, shin-deep in water.
“Oh shit,” she muttered. “That’s um…wow…okay…um…”
“Just keep breathing.” His voice, as deep and smooth as always, eased the frown she felt across her forehead and forced some of the confusion from her head. “Do you want to come out a little deeper?”
“No!” She might still be baffled about how she got out as deep as she already had, but she wasn’t the least bit confused about going any deeper. In fact…“I think I need to get out now.”
“You sure? You’re doing great.”
“Yeah, I’m…yeah.” She took a step back, tugging him with her because he still had hold of her hands. “I…ouch.”
Pulling her right hand free, she held it out to her side, hoping it would help balance her, and turned so she was walking forward again. She’d made it all the way into the water, avoiding almost all the sharp rocks along the way, but now that she was trying to get out, it was as if her feet actually sought out the sharpest of the sharp.
“Careful.” Why was he laughing? This wasn’t funny. And why wasn’t he hitting any sharp ones?
It couldn’t have been more than a dozen steps to dry land, yet it seemed to take forever to get there, and when she finally made it, Finn was right beside her, holding her hand even after she was balanced again.
“There you go,” he said. “You did great.”
“Yeah,” she scoffed, slamming the door on images of Tracy that tried to creep in. “Great. Piece of cake.”
Let go of his hand.
The order went straight from her brain to her fingers, which immediately sprang straight out, but it was another couple of seconds before Finn let her go, and when he did…
No. It was nothing. It was just because he’d been her balance, her strength, and her soothing voice of calm when she’d needed it in the water; that was why it felt cold and lonely when he let her go.
She’d done it; she’d actually made it into the water. More important, she’d made it out again. The rush of relief sent tears spilling down her cheeks and caused her fingers to tremble so much that she dropped her towel twice before getting a good grip on it.
With a few quick wobbly wipes, she dried her eyes before Finn could see, then ran the towel over her legs and feet before pulling her sneakers back on.
“Here,” he said, holding out his hand. “Give me your towel. That way if we run into one of the others on the way ba
ck…”
“Right. Thanks.”
Jessie was still trembling as they passed the work shed, and it only got worse when Finn suggested they meet at the lake every night that they could.
It was rare for guests to wander that far from the lodge, and Kate and Liam preferred to be alone in their A-frame every night, but if someone else was at the lake before Jessie and Finn got there, they’d just say they were out for a walk.
In the kitchen, as they washed up their mugs, Jessie finally managed to sigh out most of her lingering anxiety.
“Thank you,” she said, albeit a little quieter than she’d meant to, “for not letting me chicken out and for not forcing me to stay in longer.”
Finn slid the mugs into the cupboard, then took a couple of steps back and shrugged.
“Forcing you?” His brow pulled down in a small frown. “Have I ever forced you to do anything?”
No. Of course he hadn’t. Liam probably would have forced her a bit, and there was no way Ronan would have waited all that time for her to get her toes wet, but Finn…
Finn was different. He might not always agree with her, but he always seemed to know when to push her and when to hold back and give her space to do things her own way on her own time. That wasn’t to say they didn’t butt heads every once in a while, but even when they did, it never turned spiteful or mean, because beneath it all, they really liked each other. And though she’d never labeled him as such before, if she was completely honest, Finn was the best friend she’d ever had.
Didn’t mean she wouldn’t get a dig in when she could, though.
“Well,” she said, pushing her best accusatory tone, “there was that time you made me play that Apollo Creed video game with you for thirty-six thousand hours.”
His deep rolling laugh filled her with the same little burst of joy it always did, only more so this time because she was the one who’d made him laugh.
“Okay, first off,” he said, “Apollo Creed died in Rocky IV; we were playing Apollo 2, the game you picked because it has that kick-ass chick in it. And, second, you barely made it to Sector Selwyn before you bailed.”
“Whatever. My point is you still forced me.”
His wide grin was the same damn one she’d seen countless times, so why now did it feel like it was warming her from the inside out?
“You’re right,” he conceded. “I’m sorry. I never should have held that gun to your head; that was very, very wrong of me.”
“See, normally I’d tell you that being a smart-ass like that only canceled out the apology, but I’m going to let it slide this time because I’m so tired.”
“I’m sure you are.” It was funny how his voice could go from teasing to soothing even though his smile stayed the same.
“And because, seriously”—Jessie inhaled a deep breath and nodded slowly—“thank you.”
“You’re welcome.”
As drained as she was, Jessie could have easily curled up in the tenderness in his eyes and the gentle cadence of his voice, which was exactly why she forced herself to look away.
Most nights they’d each grab a book and settle into their spots in the great room, but not tonight. Tonight she just wanted to crawl into bed and try to wrap her head around not only what she’d done but also around the fact she could still feel Finn’s hand around hers, strong and steady.
“Right, then,” she said, tapping her fingers lightly against her thighs. “I think I’ll go to bed.”
“Yeah,” Finn muttered. “I think I’ll join you.”
They both froze for a second, Jessie’s smirk making Finn blush as he fumbled his way around his gaffe.
“In walking down the stairs to our separate bedrooms.”
Still smiling, she went first, not saying a word until they got down to the family quarters.
“ ’Night, Finn.” She’d just pushed open her door when his voice stopped her.
“Jess.”
“Hmm?” When she turned, he was standing at the bottom of the stairs, leaning back against the railing, his hands jammed down in his pockets.
“Look,” he said. “No matter what, we’re going to do this.”
Every muscle in Jessie’s body started to tighten again as she sucked her lips in behind her teeth and waited for the “but” to come.
It didn’t. At least not in the way she expected.
“You’ve always made it pretty clear you never wanted to talk about why you don’t go in the water, and we’ve never pushed, because…well…none of us have ever been any good at the whole ‘sharing’ thing.”
“Really?” she teased. “I’d hardly noticed.”
His mouth twitched a little, but he didn’t laugh.
“I guess we always thought you’d tell us when you were ready.”
His voice was just as calm, just as gentle as it usually was when he talked to her, but this time there was a tinge of something else—sadness, maybe—that reached in and sliced open a bit of her heart. In all the years she’d been at the Buoys, she’d never once considered that her refusal to talk about it might bother them in the same way it bothered her that they wouldn’t talk about Maggie.
“Finn.” She didn’t even know if she said it out loud, because he gave no indication he’d heard her.
“You get this look on your face.” He stopped, glanced down at the floor, and licked his lips before looking up again. “It was there last spring when I went off the dock, and it was there again tonight. It’s like you’re…I don’t know…kind of like you’re reliving whatever it is over and over, and it never seems to get easier for you.”
He was bang on with that; no matter how much time passed, it hadn’t gotten even a tiny bit easier. But not talking about it was still a hell of a lot easier than telling someone—anyone—that she was the reason her sister was dead.
“If you don’t want to talk about it, that’s your business, but I don’t know how you’ll ever really get through this if you don’t.”
Jessie’s throat, clogged with fear, opened just enough for her to croak out, “I don’t know if I can.”
There it was again: the way his eyes smiled at her, not in any kind of joking way but with a warm, confident glow.
“You didn’t think you’d ever get in the water again, either, but you did.”
“Yeah,” she murmured, wishing she could smile back at him. “I did.”
“Maybe all you need to do is find someone you trust enough.” Finn lifted his hands in resignation as he took a couple of backward steps down the hall. “See you in the morning.”
“Uh, yeah. Okay. ’Night.” Jessie stepped inside her room, closed the door, then slumped against it.
What did he mean by that? Did he think she didn’t trust him? Good grief, there was no one she trusted more than Finn. Sure, she trusted Ronan and Liam, but could she tell either of them about Tracy? It wasn’t that they wouldn’t listen, because she knew they would. She just wasn’t sure how they could possibly understand.
Finn, on the other hand…She’d seen with her own eyes the way he’d accepted the blame Jimmy heaped on him. He knew what it was like to carry that blame around every minute of every day, to wear it like a second skin. And he knew that it didn’t matter how much time passed or what anyone else said: When you looked in your parents’ eyes, you saw the truth.
That was something a kid never forgot, no matter how old she got or how many hours she’d spent in a therapist’s office.
Chapter 4
“Men, like fish, get into trouble when they open their mouths.”
From the second Finn opened his eyes the next morning, he planned on doing one thing: keeping his big ol’ piehole shut. If Jess didn’t want to talk about what happened to her, that was her business, not his. Had he ever told anyone what happened the night Ma left?
Hell no. Would it make a spit of difference to any of them at this point? The thirty-year-old man in him said probably not, but the ten-year-old in his head still lived in fear that once the tr
uth got out, Ronan and Liam would hate him for not only being the reason Ma left but for being the reason Da laid so many beatings on them.
Nope, best to let that sleeping dog lie.
Shaking it off, he followed his nose into the kitchen, where the rest of them had already gathered.
“What’s the occasion?” Liam asked Jess. “You haven’t made perked coffee since…well, hell, I don’t even know.”
High days and holy days, that was the only time she ever pulled out the percolator. Every other day was plain old drip coffee.
“I don’t see what the big deal is,” Kate muttered. “It tastes the same as regular coffee.”
“The hell it does,” Finn choked as he reached to fill a mug.
Jess sidled up next to him, nudging his hip with her own as she rinsed her cloth out at the sink. When he glanced down at her, she mouthed a silent “thank you,” to which he responded with a quick wink and a grin that he hid behind his mug.
“Did you get the contracts back to the Hooked people?” Liam asked. “Are we set?”
“Uh, yeah.” With a short head bob and a fresh blush she tried to hide, Jess set to wiping the table and the counters, even though Finn couldn’t see crumbs or spills anywhere. “Sam emailed last night to say everything was a go.”
“Nice.”
“And?” Kate asked, quirking her eyebrow and smirking over the top of her mug.
“And,” Jess shot back, full of tone, “one of his producers will fly up in a couple weeks to go over everything and to make sure they don’t need any special rigging for their cameras on the boats. The crew will arrive on the twenty-third, then they’ll film the twenty-fourth and -fifth.”
“And?” Olivia this time, her teasing grin grating on Finn’s nerves so much he had to look away.
As stupid as he knew it was, Finn wanted to believe that that was all the email had in it, but going by how deeply Jess was blushing now, Sam must have had more on his mind than just filming schedules.