by S. Swan
“Not yet,” Ben said. “Let these people take care of you.”
“Ben, I have to see Jimmy.”
Ben patted my arms. “He’s not going anywhere. Let them check you out first.”
I let the medics check me over several times. I grew impatient with them. I wanted to see Jimmy. I needed to be with him. Ben brought me a pair of sweats and a t-shirt. He helped me dress. “Come on; let’s go see your boyfriend.”
Ben walked me out of the building. Jimmy stood by the ambulance. He paced slowly with a limp. Jimmy’s wounds ached. Jimmy looked up and saw me. I ran to him and jumped in his arms. We nearly toppled to the ground. “Whoa!” Jimmy exclaimed. He squeezed me so tight I couldn’t breathe. “I thought I’d lost you!” Jimmy sobbed. He couldn’t stop sobbing. “Are you alright?” he asked through tears.
“I will be,” I said. I kissed Jimmy and held on to him.
“I felt you,” Jimmy said. “I could feel you sending me messages. That was so smart Cassie.”
“I’m thankful it worked,” I said. “It was terrible Jimmy.” I could barely speak through my sobs.
“Sh!” Jimmy patted my head. “We don’t have to talk about it right now.” Jimmy and I continued to hold each other, not talking, until the police broke our embrace.
“The French Lick Police Department wants to put you up in a hotel room tonight.” Ben interrupted. “They have lots of questions, but they can wait until tomorrow.”
“I want to go home,” I said.
“I’m taking Cassie home tonight. I can bring her back later,” Jimmy said.
“No can do Buddy,” Ben said. He had an apologetic expression. “I understand you want to get out of here, but the police won’t let you leave until they have their answers,” Ben said. “Let them get you a room.”
“How safe will Cassie be?” Jimmy asked.
“I’ll personally make sure there’s an officer at the door all night,” Ben said.
“Whatever.” I said, waving dismissively. “I just want to go to bed and sleep.”
Jimmy and I didn’t say anything once we left the crime scene. We didn’t have to. Jimmy watched me the entire drive to the hotel. He waited for a break down. It would happen, but not until later. I was mentally and physically exhausted.
Ben took us to the West Baden Hotel, the most upscale hotel in the area. If circumstances were different, I would have enjoyed our room. At the time, I wanted to sleep away the previous days. Jimmy tucked me into the luxurious big bed. He pulled me close to him. I fell asleep in Jimmy’s arms.
CHAPTER 23
I chose to go home to my own apartment. I needed some down time after the grueling week. Jimmy refused to let me out of his sight, but I convinced him to leave me alone for a while. He agreed to give me a couple of hours by myself. He promised to be back before sunset with dinner.
I let myself into the apartment, dropped on the couch, and began to cry. The whole ordeal had been too much to comprehend. The murders, Jimmy’s incarceration, thinking I lost Jimmy and being held captive by a demon, was a lifetime of shit to deal with. I considered seeing a counselor, but who’d believe me? The police and Ben rationalized the kidnapping. They thought a cult kidnapped me. The police identified the man who tried to rape me as Allen Warner. It may have been Allen Warner’s body, but the demon Aziel intended to put his seed in me.
I obsessively took pregnancy tests to verify I didn’t somehow end up pregnant with a beast. I worried that my rescue was a manufactured memory. Tricks so I would unknowingly raise a demon’s spawn. Demons were masters of deceit. Nothing seemed real. My head spun with confusion. I needed a quiet moment to contemplate. Jimmy assured me that it was over. He couldn’t convince me that Aziel was gone.
A cold breeze flowed past. It made me jump. Mom appeared in front of me. She dressed in a bright green mini dress. It was from an era that I was too tired to recall. “Cassie, I’m so glad to see you,” Mom said.
Mom’s appearance please and frightened me. I worried that somehow Aziel had sent her soul away. I feared Mom’s presence. Was she truly my mother? She me could be an imposter. She could be another demon or even Aziel. My head pounded.
“Cassie, why are you looking at me like you’ve seen a ghost?” Mom asked.
“Are you really my mother?” I asked. For all I knew, she was never my mother. She could have been part of Aziel’s elaborate plan.
“Of course I am,” Mom said. “Why are you questioning it?”
“How did you die?”
“I fell out a window,” Mom said.
“What was my favorite toy as a kid?”
“You loved that stuffed dog Grandma Sue gave you,” Mom said. “Cassie…”
I pulled up my pant leg. “How did I get this scar?”
“You fell off your bike.” Mom held up five fingers. “You had to get five stitches.” Aziel could know the information. I dug deep into my conscious to find a question only my mom would know. “How many times did you have key parties?” I asked.
“Cassandra Rose that is a personal question!” Mom shouted. “Where are all of these questions coming from?”
“Answer the question.”
“How do you even know about the key parties? Your father and I had them before you were born.”
“Whose idea were they?”
“If you must know, we had six key parties, and I organized them. I was bored with your father even then. I thought having you would bring us together, but it didn’t,” Mom said, in frustration. “Are you happy now?”
“Yes.”
“I know what happened. He came to me for help,” Mom said.
“Aziel?”
“No, Jimmy,” Mom said. “He came to the apartment for help finding you.”
“When?” I asked.
“After you went missing. Jimmy knew his demon took you,” Mom said. “He was terrified. This is our fault.”
“How is it your fault?” I asked.
“I shouldn’t be visiting you. I caused you to meet Jimmy. Between my presence and Jimmy’s, we brought that demon into your life.”
“It isn’t your fault. It just happened,” I said.
“It wasn’t coincidence. Without us, that demon wouldn’t have found you,” Mom said. “Cassie, I came to tell you goodbye. I need to stay away from you.”
“You can’t leave me, not now!” I cried. “I need you. I’m so confused. I have no concept of reality.” I sat up. “I’m not even sure I’m talking to you right now. I think I’m losing my mind.”
“You’re traumatized,” Mom said. “It’ll pass.”
“I need my mom now more than ever!” I cried. So many tears in the past days.
“Cassie, I wish I could hold you right now. I wish I could tell you how it’s going to be fine, but I can’t promise that. Especially if I’m crossing the veil to visit you every day.”
“I’m afraid,” I said. “More afraid than I have ever been in life.”
“This is why Jimmy tried to keep his feelings for you a secret. He didn’t want this for you. I don’t want this for you,” Mom said. “I think it’s best for you to forget both of us.”
“I can’t do that,” I said. “I can’t forget my mom, and Jimmy is the only thing keeping me going.”
“Yes, but we also allowed this to happen to you,” Mom said. “Without us, you’d be living a normal life. Demons would only be something in scary stories.”
“Aziel’s gone,” I said. “I saw the shadow people rip him apart.”
“That demon isn’t the only one out there.” Mom waved a finger. “You should never call a demon by its name. It gives it power, no matter if it’s gone.”
Maybe that’s why his followers called him Z; they thought it kept his power at bay. They were wrong. I felt for those people. They were susceptible to him. They all lost their lives the night of my rescue. I found out from Ben that they were either killed in the raid, or they took their own lives presumable to be with Aziel in the afterlife. Sadly, Azie
l was gone completely. I alone saw his fate. Those people followed Aziel’s empty promises, and were lost in the afterlife.
“What were those shadow people?” I asked.
“They’re the guardians. They keep the balance between the realms of the Akasha and your world,” Mom said. “That demon was on the hit list of more than just Lucifer. I’ve hear things in the green room.”
“What kind of things?”
“I’ve heard how he escaped his realm, deceived Lucifer, and challenged archangels. He was full of himself and thought he couldn’t be stopped.”
“Will Jimmy be at peace now that his demon is gone?” I asked.
“Maybe for a while, but not for long. There are other demons vying for Jimmy’s attention. It’s a hazard of his abilities. Do you know most psychics don’t make it to be a senior citizen?”
“What about all of those TV psychics?” I asked.
“Fakes…all of them. Real psychics lose their minds or are possessed by middle age.” The information hurt. I couldn’t imagine my life without Jimmy. I couldn’t stand the thought of Jimmy being possessed or crazy. I cried more. The tears were for the fate of my love.
“I don’t want to cause you more distress,” Mom said. “I think it’s time you know Jimmy’s reality. We’ve kept too much from you for too long.”
“Did you know about the demon?” I asked. “Did you know what he wanted?”
“None of us knew what he planned,” Mom said. “I didn’t know about the demon at all until after you moved in with Jimmy. I’d have told you if I’d known.”
“Jimmy tried to keep me safe,” I said.
“He did, and the demon still found you,” Mom said. “I think you really need to consider the risks associated with Jimmy. I didn’t fully understand them until after you had already been with him. I wouldn’t have pushed for it if I understood,” Mom said. It seemed like everyone wanted to keep me from being with the man I loved: Ben, Cho, Jimmy himself, and now Mom.
“I love Jimmy and we are connected to each other.”
“You’re going to get hurt either way. Jimmy will find a way to let you go. He knows it’s the only way to keep you safe.”
“Cho said the same thing,” I said. Cho tried to tell me, but I refused to listen.
“What about Ben. He’s into you and he seems really nice...and normal,” Mom said.
“Ben is a good guy and he saved me, but I don’t feel anything more than admiration for him.” I was grateful to Ben for saving me. If he hadn’t arrived when he did, what little bit of my sanity I had wouldn’t have survived copulation with a beast. I could have been bound to that fiend for eternity. Jimmy found my whereabouts, but Ben actually saved me. I couldn’t repay his kindness. Ben didn’t have to go to French Lick to find me. He could have merely called the local police department and told them about me. They wouldn’t have found me in time. I felt bad for my mistrust.
“You need to prepare yourself to be without Jimmy,” Mom said. “One way or another, your relationship has to end.”
“I can’t think about that now.”
“There are other men who care about you besides Jimmy, you know,” Mom said. “You wouldn’t be single for long. You could be with Jimmy’s brother. He cares more for you than he’ll ever admit,” Mom said. I scoffed. There was no way in hell I would ever leave Jimmy for Cho. Even if I didn’t know Jimmy, Cho and I had personality differences. I could be Cho’s friend, but I couldn’t have a relationship with him. “Don’t scoff Cassie, he’s not Jimmy, but he’d treat you right and protect you.” I thought about his chauvinistic remarks. Cho couldn’t treat a woman right. “You have to move on and let me go too,” Mom said. “I can’t be part of your life anymore.”
“I can’t accept that,” I said.
“This is the last time you’ll see me,” Mom said. “I may check on you, but I won’t materialize for you anymore.”
For years I wished for a normal life without my ghost mom. Now I would be lost without her. I needed her. I refused to let her go. “Mom, don’t leave!” I begged.
“Cassie, you can do this,” Mom said. “It is time you have a normal, happy life. You didn’t need me when I was alive. You’re a grown woman now. It’ll be painful at first, but you had four extra years with me. It’s time to be on your own,” Mom said. She faded as she spoke. She said her last words, softly, “I’m so proud of you, and I’ll always love you daughter.”
“Mom!” I cried, but she disappeared. The air returned to room temperature. She wasn’t coming back. I went to my bed and sobbed on my pillow. I didn’t cry at my mother’s funeral. Now, I let it all out. I cried and cried. I cursed God for taking my mom back, and for making Jimmy the way he was. I screamed and threw my pillows, until I couldn’t make another noise in protest.
My soul stained under the burden. I had no clue how to move on. I knew deep in my heart that Jimmy and I would not stay together. I’d never see my mom again. Everything in my life prior to Jimmy’s first vision seemed pointless. I didn’t even want to return to my job. Six months ago I thought I had an important job. I felt like I made a difference. Now, it all seemed meaningless. Humans had no purpose. We were just specs in the grander scheme of the universe, and everything we did seemed petty.
I wanted death. I hated living with all of the knowledge. I understood how Jimmy felt every day of his life. I understood what Cho meant when he said there were days when Jimmy wanted to end it all. I felt the same. The knowledge of the afterlife made me afraid to die too. I feared the things that lurked in the afterlife. The only emotion I felt, and would ever feel was despair.
CHAPTER 24
Jimmy went home to Chicago as planned. He put it off as long as possible, but I insisted. He needed to get his life together. He needed to reconcile with his mother. I deeply felt the loss of my mother. I didn’t want the same for Jimmy. I lingered in a depressed state since coming home. It brought Jimmy down with me.
We were still a couple, but our relationship hung by a thread. I dealt with the realization it would end. We barely touched. Memories of Aziel’s touch came back each time Jimmy tried to be romantic. I hated it. He suggested I go to a rape support group, but I hadn’t. Jimmy held on trying to make it work for my sake. I was on the brink of insanity. Jimmy knew our break up would send me over the edge. He didn’t verbalize it, but I could tell. We loved each other deeply, but Jimmy couldn’t ignore the guilt he felt for exposing me to his life. I couldn’t get over the knowledge I had.
It was my first day back to work. I put off going back for two extra weeks, but the board wouldn’t hold my job any longer. Jimmy hoped being at Mary House would motivate me. The day hadn’t been bad thus far. I expected the memories to be unbearable, but my job kept me too occupied to think.
Nessie, Lynnette, Sandy and Jane welcomed me with open arms. It felt good to see them. Aside from Jimmy, these women were my only friends. Even Walter seemed glad to see me. Cookie Jones made a cake, and the women had it ready when I came in the door. “Welcome back!” they shouted. Tears welled when I saw everyone. I thought that I could identify with the residents at Mary House, but now, I did identify with them. The only difference was they had overcome their traumas, I still felt like a victim.
“Girl you need to take your own class,” Nessie said when I told her how I felt. “What happened to standin’ up and takin’ responsibility fo’ yo’self?” she asked. “If yo’ be actin, like a victim, yo’ be a victim.” She threw my own advice at me. I wanted to get angry at Nessie, but she was right.
“Where do I go from here?” I asked.
“Ya’ keep on fighting.” Nessie said. The large woman squeezed me tight in her arms. I heard my back pop.
“I’m tired of fighting.” I sighed.
“No ya ain’t o’ ya woulda’ let that man rape you. You fought didn’ ya?” Obviously, Nessie and the others didn’t know that “man” was a supernatural being. “You here ain’t ya?” Leave it to Nessie to force me out of my self-pity. She ov
ercame much in her life. Barely over thirty, Nessie lived several lifetimes already. I gave Nessie a big kiss on the cheek.
“Where’s the new guy?” I asked.
“He don’t get here ‘til later.” Nessie said. “He meets at court first.”
“Why?” I asked.
“He talks to the judge and hears the new cases.” Nessie said. “He hand picks the women for the program now. He don’t let the court throw jus’ anyone at us.” It was a task Mary and I could never seem to accomplish. If we picked women who were good candidates to succeed, and then our recidivism rate would be higher. As it was, the court ordered the women to go through our program, which caused overcrowding at times and gave us defendants who weren’t ready to change. I gave Mr. Skellan credit; he already made a difference at Mary House.
“Wait til you see ‘em” Nessie said. “Ooh! He’s a looker. If you and Mr. Jimmy break up…” She hit a nerve and didn’t realize it. I didn’t want to think about breaking up.
I made it clear that I wouldn’t conduct any classes or counseling sessions until I got back into the swing of things. I sat in on a session that Nessie ran in my absence. She did a wonderful job. Nessie made me proud. She even inspired me for a while. Nessie didn’t hold back in her classes. She flat out told the women what they had in store if they continued on their path of self-destruction. She told them about how she lost her eye. Her story scared the prostitutes straight. Little did anyone know that a cop did it to Nessie. I decided to keep the information to myself. Nessie didn’t need to know.
After Nessie’s class, I went to my little office to hide. I got a call on the intercom. “Miss Cassie, that cop is here to see ya,” Lynette said. Lynette now ran the front reception area. A lot of things changed in my absence. “I can send him away.”
“Na, send him back,” I said. I assumed it was Ben, but then thought better of telling Lynette to send a man back without asking.
Ben appeared at my door. He came in brandishing flowers in a little flower planter. “I wanted to bring you a welcome back present,” he said.