That I could lean in, just like that girl was doing, and lick his neck . . .
I turned away as he threw his head back with a laugh.
I couldn’t hear his laughter over the sound of the music, but the sight was like a needle in my eyeball. Sure he’d spent the afternoon being nice to the gay boy on the ship, but it was obvious I wasn’t anything he wanted.
I needed to get that damn fantasy out of my head.
Somehow a drink appeared in my hand. I looked down at it, then raised an eyebrow at Jess as she clinked her glass with mine. “I got us some drinks since you seemed stunned into silence at the debauchery on the high seas.”
“These kids should all be ashamed of themselves.” I stuck out my little finger in a haughty gesture and sipped my drink, then promptly sputtered. “What the hell is this?”
“It’s some signature drink for the ship. It’s called a Mama Mia.”
I took another sip and made a face. It didn’t stop me from continuing to drink it, though. It’d been a fucking day. I needed to get plastered. Fuck worrying about what I’d do when I was drunk. Fuck the hangover I’d have afterward.
Fuck it all. I chugged the drink, my throat convulsing as it protested weakly. I didn’t care. Nope. I was half in love with a straight celebrity I’d still have to see for a couple more days. That called for finally venturing off my path.
Fuck. It. All.
I ordered us the next round of Mama Mias, and on my way back to Jess, I tried to hand one off to a different blonde girl. When I finally found my friend, I was giggling uncontrollably.
“Holy shit, you’re drunk already,” she said, taking the drink from me, then eyeing the cup. “Is there anything even in this thing or did you spill it all on the way back?”
I couldn’t stop laughing. And apparently my laughter was contagious, because then she was laughing, too.
I started shaking my hips to the music, and Jess joined in, backing her ass into me as I wrapped my arm around her chest. “Hey, baby,” I said in her ear.
“Hey, stud,” she said back.
Then we couldn’t dance anymore because we were laughing so hard. Everything was so fucking hilarious after a couple of Mama Mias.
My fingers felt a little fuzzy, and I prodded them with a thumbnail. My skin itched, like it was drawn too tight, like I needed to do something, say something, anything, or I’d scream. Or maybe I could just scream. That sounded great about now. My blood was pumping hot, and I wondered what was really in these punch-flavored drinks. I swore I could lift a car right now.
“Quinn.” Jess’s face was blurry but came into focus the closer she came.
“What?”
“You should dance.”
“I am dancing.”
She shook her head and her hair caught on my lips. “No, you should dance.” She pointed toward the stage, and I squinted in the direction of her finger. “Poor Levi has been surrounded by girls this whole time. Go dance with him.”
Go dance with him.
Another girl took her place in front of Levi, and in gay solidarity, I felt empathy. I rolled my shoulders and handed my empty cup to Jess. “All right, then. Wish me luck.”
***
J. R.
I focused on the girl currently grinding her perfectly shaped ass into me. My lips were numb from the three shots of Fireball whiskey I’d taken before the competition started. I probably could have done without those, especially as I kept losing my footing.
The girl didn’t care. Her name was . . . Candice? I gripped her hips and tried to focus on the thin bikini string stretching across her back, which was the only thing holding in those massive tits of hers that she’d previously been rubbing all over my chest.
I wasn’t going to lie, I was a little hard, but my brain couldn’t determine if it was left over from being in close quarters with Quinn or from grinding with Candice.
Shit, I had to forget about Quinn. I had to.
I gripped Candice’s waist and let the beat dictate my movements. Why couldn’t I just focus on the smoking-hot chick in front of me? That’d never been a problem before. I loved tits and ass and everything that came with the opposite sex.
She turned her head and winked at me. I licked my lips in a gesture I didn’t really feel. She closed her eyes and doubled up her efforts.
Dammit.
She really should win this whole damn thing with how hard she was working.
A loud cheer went up from the other side of the stage. I looked over and immediately ceased all motor function of my body. Levi was no longer getting a hilarious and awkward lap dance with a girl.
Nope.
What he was doing sent a red-hot poker of anger right into my chest.
Levi and Quinn were in an embrace, dancing so close there was barely an inch between them. Levi bent his legs and dropped his ass to the floor, his hands coasting up and down Quinn’s thighs, his face right in Quinn’s crotch. Then he slowly rose, gyrating himself against the body that had been torturing my head for the last two days.
I hadn’t watched gay porn; I hadn’t done anything for as long as I’d been contracted with Trip League, and now watching two guys have simulated sex on the dance floor was causing every single one of those feelings that made me not straight come rushing back.
Like a tidal wave.
I wanted Quinn. I wanted his lips and his ass and his cock. I wanted it. And right now Levi was too damn close to it.
“Hey,” said a female voice in my ear. “Is my time up?”
I was such an asshole. I looked down into her pretty face, long lashes over big brown eyes. “Yeah, babe. Thanks. That was fun.”
She grinned. “It was! Thanks, J. R. Nice to meet you.” And then she turned and melted into the crowd.
I turned back to Quinn and Levi in time to see Quinn with his back to Levi, his arms above his head. Levi stood behind him, hands on Quinn’s hips, lips at Quinn’s ear. Those lips were moving and I wanted to know what he was saying. I knew what I’d say. I want to suck your dick.
I pictured Levi dropping to his knees right there, opening up Quinn’s pants, and—
“Looks like Levi and his guy over there are going to win it all,” Selena’s voice said beside me as a hand rested on my shoulder. “They look like they’re having a blast. And it’s pretty hot.”
I began to walk, my stride picking up the closer I came to Quinn and Levi. I had to do something because I couldn’t handle this anymore. Didn’t Quinn know he was rubbing this in my face? Didn’t Levi? Because I could swear every single emotion racing through me was all over my face.
As I made my way, the DJ called an end to the competition, but Levi and Quinn were still in an embrace as the crowd clapped.
Quinn laughed at something Levi said, and it burned in my gut how beautiful they looked together.
As I drew close, Quinn lifted his face to me, his skin flushed, his eyes glazed over. He looked . . . like he’d just come. And I wanted to punch something because I knew I’d never find out if that was right or not.
“What the fuck, Levi?” I snarled, my voice rough. “Pretty sure it was a dance competition, not a sex-on-a-stage competition.”
Levi’s face, which had been lit with excitement, hardened in an instant. “Excuse me? What were you doing with that little miss over there? Fuck off, J. R.”
I wasn’t even rational right now. “I kept it in my pants.”
Levi’s expression tightened, and he poured on the sass as he cocked a hip and waved a finger in the air. “You see a dick waving around right now? No, you don’t. What, because we’re two dudes we can’t dance like you can with a girl? Jesus, J. R., watch out, your homophobia is showing.”
Quinn was backing up now, his gaze darting between Levi and me. I hated that instead of the blush of happiness, his color looked a little dull, the fl
ush of embarrassment clear on his skin.
I’d done that. Me. Because I was an asshole. Levi didn’t deserve this and neither did Quinn, but there was no way to reverse everything I’d said. Not without showing my hand, without telling the truth, and no way could I do that, not with Doug looking on right now, the cameras shining down on us.
I was J. R. acting the part I always played. It’d be great for ratings.
Doug was smiling, and he waved his hand, like he wanted me to keep going.
I turned and walked away without another word.
Chapter Eight
Quinn
“He hates me.”
“He doesn’t hate you.”
I sighed and pushed my food around on my plate. My buzz had worn off, so Jess and I had taken a nap. I never napped, ever. I kind of felt like a toddler.
Now I was up eating dinner. Well, I was more like drinking my dinner since I’d had approximately three bites of salad and two Long Island iced teas. Oops.
At first I was embarrassed, then I was sad, and now my feelings had gone right to anger.
How dare him? We’d eaten crabs together. He’d wiped lotion off my face, for fuck’s sake, and then he had the balls to get all, Quit doing your gay thing on stage to Levi and me.
Fuck that. Fuck him.
“Whatever, I’m going to be so gay and do so much gay stuff. He can’t stop me,” I muttered.
Jess’s eyes were wide as her gaze shifted from my empty Long Island iced tea glasses to my face. “Okay, sweetie. You can definitely do as much gay stuff as you want, but let’s slow down on the alcohol, okay?” She grabbed a roll and stuffed it into my mouth. “Eat that. Carbs should soak it up.” She cringed. “I hope.”
I bit down on the roll and turned to face her with it still stuffed in my mouth. She laughed and I grinned around it.
“Uh, looks like I’m interrupting something?”
I lifted my head to see Levi standing at our table, his eyebrows raised, holding a plate from the buffet.
I tried to talk, but realized belatedly that the roll was still in my mouth. Jess reached over and plucked it out, then dropped it on my plate. “Savage.”
“You’re the one who put it there,” I pointed out.
“Anyway,” Levi said. “Can I sit down?”
I nodded and he took a seat opposite us.
“So.” He unrolled his silverware and dropped his napkin on his lap. “I wanted to apologize about earlier. I hope I didn’t do anything to make you uncomfortable, or—”
I shook my head, cutting him off. “No, no way. It was fine. Fun. Um, I had a great time. Until . . .”
“Yeah.” He rolled his eyes. “Until. And now he’s disappeared. He wasn’t in the room this afternoon. I hope he went to the gym and tore a groin muscle.”
I pressed my lips together so I didn’t laugh out loud.
Levi smiled at me, his green eyes twinkling. “It’s okay, you can laugh. And as soon as I see him, I’ll get an apology out of him and ask him to find you to apolo—”
“No, no.” I held out my hands. “I would rather . . . not think about it. Or talk about it.” I’d talk to J. R. on my own. Maybe. I exhaled. “I’ve known I was gay since I was six. I’ve been out since . . .” I looked at Jess. “Middle school?”
“Yep, when you told everyone at an assembly that your celebrity crush was Justin Timberlake.”
“Right. And I’m from the South. Not everyone was cool with it. When people say things, it still hurts, but I remember that what they think about me is more a reflection of them than me. And so—” I shrugged and looked at Jess, who beamed at me with pride “—It is what it is.”
That wasn’t really it, though. It wasn’t what J. R. had said. It was that I thought he wasn’t like that. As my anger cooled, I tried to hold on to the J. R. who was nice, who rushed into my cabin to make sure I hadn’t been hurt.
He’d warned me, hadn’t he?
“At least I know . . . you’re capable of being nice.”
“Yeah, well, you’re probably going to want to remember that as this trip goes on.”
Normally, I’d avoid J. R. Confrontation wasn’t my thing, but he deserved the chance to explain, if he even wanted to. I didn’t believe J. R. was as two-dimensional as he had been on the show.
I just hoped I still had the courage when he was standing in front of me.
I focused back on Levi, who was smiling at me. “Well anyway, I want to make it up to you. We have an LGBTQ mixer going on tonight on deck two. Want to come?”
I leaned forward too fast and nearly knocked over my drink. “Wait, what? How come I hadn’t heard of this?”
He shrugged. “We kind of put it together quickly. But it should be fun. Lotta dancing and karaoke. Maybe some glitter.”
I slammed my hands down on the table. “Yes!”
He quirked a brow. “Yes, as in, you really like karaoke?”
I shook my head. “No. Well, I mean, I kinda like it if I’m really drunk, which I sorta am now, but I mean, yes I’ll come!”
“You okay going by yourself?” Jess asked. “I signed up to do this twilight yoga thing on deck.”
“Yeah, yeah,” I waved at her. “I got this. Thanks for telling me, Levi.”
He pointed at my untouched plate. “No problem. Now eat up, ginger boy. We’re going to burn some calories tonight.”
***
J. R.
I wiped my hand across my face and blinked back the sweat stinging my eyes.
Selena was beside me, glancing over at me with her brow furrowed in concern.
Yeah, I was on minute sixty-fucking-five on this goddamn treadmill, and I planned to be on for longer because I wasn’t sure how else to deal with all these emotions bubbling below the surface. I wanted to run until I was too tired to do anything but fall into a coma and stay that way until this damn cruise was over.
“J. R.”
I ignored her as her treadmill slowed down.
“J. R.”
My breaths were harsh pants, and my chest was on fire. I wasn’t sure how my legs were even moving anymore. Maybe I shouldn’t have run on an incline this whole time.
“J. R!” A hand reached over and slammed down the stop button.
I nearly tripped as I flailed to grab onto the bar in front of me so I wouldn’t face-plant. “What the fuck, Selena?”
She stood next to my treadmill, her hands on her hips, glaring at me. “I’m not going to just stand here while you kill yourself. Is your body eating an organ yet?”
“I’m fine,” I growled.
“I’m not scared of that infamous J. R. temper, so fuck you. Now what’s going on?”
“Nothing.”
“Yeah? See, I don’t believe that. Because you stopped dancing with a hot chick to go yell at Levi and that guy he was dancing with. And now you’re down here running your ass off for no reason.”
I set the treadmill to a slow walk so I could cool down. Selena watched my fingers as I set the controls, then nodded when she saw I only planned to walk. As if I needed her permission. Casey was on the other side of the gym doing bicep curls, but I could see his gaze on us in the mirror.
Selena leaned closer. “Come on.”
I squeezed my eyes shut. “Look, I’m going through some stuff. It’s nothing important.” I opened my eyes slowly and met her dark brown ones. I thought Selena would like Jay. Too bad she’d only met J. R.
She took a deep breath. “We only have another couple of months until our contract is up. And I know all of us have had our share of fights, but we’re still a family, you know? If you need me—any of us—I’m sure we’d be there for you in a heartbeat. You know that, right?”
I didn’t know that. And would they be there if they knew I’d been forced to lie to them this whole time? She nibbled on her l
ip as I nodded. “Yeah. Thanks, Selena. I’ll remember that.”
She smiled and patted my arm, then made a face as she wiped her hand on her towel. “Ew, you’re sweaty.”
I flexed my biceps beside my head. “That’s what happens when you work out.”
“Hey, I work out, I just don’t sweat out of every pore. Ugh, men. You’re all gross.” She walked away, shaking her head.
The camera that had been on us stayed on me. These were moments I hated, when I just wanted to be alone, and I couldn’t get away from that damn lens.
I finished my cooldown and shut off the treadmill, then grabbed a towel and wiped down my face and chest. My legs weren’t working properly, and I had to stand leaning against the mirror for a minute or two.
When I lifted my head, the camera was in my face. I glared into it, flaring my nostrils before walking away. The camera didn’t follow.
***
The hot water pounded down on my protesting muscles. I’d gone overboard on the treadmill, that much was clear. I’d had to stop and grab a burger on the way back to my cabin because my body was screaming at me to feed it after I’d depleted about all of my energy stores.
Fuck, that was stupid.
And the thing was, it hadn’t done one damn bit of good. Quinn was still on my mind, as was my contract and my future and my family.
This whole fucking ship was starting to make me claustrophobic.
I didn’t know what was more selfish anymore—to fuck over my contract and my family and go after what I wanted, or keep toeing the line and hurt Quinn. Didn’t he deserve to know I thought he was amazing?
Or maybe he didn’t. Maybe he thought I was scum now and my opinion would mean shit to him.
I turned off the water, dried myself, and dressed quickly. I sat on my bed and thought about staying there the whole night. Not leaving this tiny cabin didn’t sound any more appealing than getting out of it.
Shit.
I stood up, about to walk out, when the cabin door flew open and Levi marched inside. When he spotted me, he froze.
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