by Cathy Glass
If your child persists that it wasn’t him (or her), and it ‘just happened’, or he ‘doesn’t know’ anything about the incident, and you are certain that he is responsible and is therefore lying, don’t enter into a debate of ‘It was you,’ ‘No, it wasn’t,’ which children of this age are very good at. Just say firmly, ‘Tom, there is black marker pen on the wall and I don’t want it happening again, or I’ll put the pen away for good. That is the end of the matter. Do I make myself clear?’ And make sure it is the end of the matter by walking away or busying yourself with some task if Tom is about to argue the point.
Dealing with denial can be very frustrating, but don’t shout and fly into a rage, as this will make your child close up and become more resistant to owning up to a negative action in the future. If you are dealing with a very serious issue that you need to get to the bottom of – for example, bullying or money going missing from your purse – and Tom (or Claire) has completely closed up, aware it is a bad act and he is guilty, you can say, ‘Tom, I am not going to be angry, but I need to know. Did you take money from my purse for those sweets you are eating?’ As Tom has been reassured that you won’t be angry he is more likely to own up, although his admission of guilt is likely to be a slight nod of the head rather than a loud yes. Accept this and don’t push for any further admission by demanding, ‘Pardon? I can’t hear you. What did you say?’ Calmly explain why the act was wrong and why it mustn’t happen again, and impose an appropriate sanction.
In the case of money being taken from your purse, you can say, ‘Tom, thank you for telling me; that was the adult thing to do. It is wrong to take something that doesn’t belong to you. You should have asked for money or waited until pocket-money day. I think it is only fair you pay the money back.’ Then stop the amount Tom has taken from his pocket money. It’s not harsh: if Tom is to learn, he needs to feel the effect of his negative actions, and appreciate that stealing is morally wrong.
Remember, the more rationally and consistently you deal with your child’s errant behaviour, the more readily the child will own up, accept responsibility and learn from his or her mistakes. This encourages not only honesty but a healthy, mature personality, which will see him through life. Obviously if a child persists in some serious negative behaviour – for example, stealing or bullying – then further sanctions need to be applied until the behaviour is eradicated. I’ll say more of this later in Chapter 6.
Big Fish in a Little Pond: 9–11
In the nine-to-eleven age group your child will be one of the older children at primary school, aware of, associating with and influencing many of the younger children. When your child first started school, he or she was one of the little ones – a small fish in a big pond. Now he has grown to become a big fish in a relatively small pond, with the rank, kudos and admiration of those younger. Your child will be aware of and enjoying his status and this will be reflected in his behaviour – both positively (with him setting an example) and negatively (with him challenging your rules).
When your child compares you
Your child’s growing independence and self-reliance will become more obvious now, together with the development of his or her individuality. At this age your child’s peer-group friendships will be very important, and with these comes a growing pressure to conform to the peer-group norm. At the same time, this age group begins to see their parents as fallible human beings rather than awarding them near god-like status as younger children do.
Your child will be spending more time playing independently and away from you – in friend’s houses, sleeping over, possibly playing in parks, as well as at school, clubs and out-of-school activities. This widening experience and growing sense of self-reliance will encourage your child to make comparisons between what happens at home regarding your rules and expected standards of behaviour and what happens in the homes of friends. Some of what your child sees, and the comparisons he or she makes, will be advantageous to you, supporting and reinforcing your rules for good behaviour, while other observations and comparisons may not. These comparisons, together with your child’s growing realisation that you are fallible, will lead your child to question and challenge you, your ideals and how you run your household. And what is discouraged or forbidden in your house will seem very enticing and ‘better’ when your child sees it being allowed in the family of one of his friends.
This lure of the forbidden will continue, in one form or another, into the teenage years, as your child’s world widens further and he or she compares the differences in expectations he or she sees. It is healthy for your child to be noticing these differences, but clearly it doesn’t mean you have to change or adapt your way of doing something, despite your child’s forceful argument that you should. The fact that André is allowed a small glass of diluted wine with his meal, or that Melissa doesn’t go to bed until 10.00 p.m., or that Robert has twice the amount of pocket money Tom does, or that James calls his mum and dad by their first names, is not a sign you are stuck in a Victorian time warp: it just shows that other equally respectable and well-functioning families do things differently. There is no need for you to change your house rules, unless, of course, after consideration, you believe you could learn something from the way another family does something and your rules could be changed for the better.
Getting the balance right
One of the biggest challenges for parents of a child of this age is getting the balance right. Of course we want to give our children the space and freedom to develop as confident individuals, but we also need to keep them safe and guide them to acceptable behaviour, not only for their own benefit but for the benefit of society at large. I am talking now about the average child, from a well-functioning, loving family and developing normally, with socially acceptable behaviour, and not the very challenging child who hasn’t had support and guidance and is out of control.
All households do things a little differently and there is nothing to say that the way one family approaches child-rearing gives a better balance than another. It is a sign of your child’s growing maturity and reasoning mind that he or she has noted the differences and has presented them to you; however, it can be very undermining to parent’s confidence to be continually hearing that they haven’t got the balance right and other parents have in respect of what children should be allowed to do.
It is important you listen to what your child tells you – what Simon, Rajitha, Melissa or Aisha are allowed to do that is different or forbidden in your house. Your child has the intelligence and understanding to have considered the differences and feels sufficiently confident to approach you, but he or she will be sounding you out – watching for your reaction, and wanting to hear your opinion as to why your way is right. Although it might seem that your child is simply trying to agitate you and possibly being confrontational, to begin with assume that he or she not.
When Tom says, ‘Pete’s mum lets him take the dog for a walk in the evening all by himself,’ don’t hear, ‘Pete’s mum is better/nicer than you, and Pete likes his mum more because she is more liberal and lets Pete do what he wants.’ That is not what Tom is saying. Tom is presenting this difference to you so that he can hear why he can’t take the dog for a walk by himself after dark, and part of him will already know the reason. He is not saying you are wrong: he wants to hear why you are right.
Don’t immediately lose the plot and snap, ‘Well, you’re not taking our dog out. And that’s that!’ This will just put Tom on the defensive and make him feel you are less approachable in the future. Say something like, ‘I see. I think Peter is a bit young to be taking the dog out by himself after dark. I really don’t think it is safe.’ The forbidden can seem very attractive to a child of this age (and older), particularly when Tom hears Pete boasting about his nocturnal adventures at school the following day. But the chances are that Tom doesn’t think it’s safe either, and despite the idea of dog walking alone after dark seeming initially enticing, he would be horrified if you sent hi
m out the door with the dog in the dark. It’s quite possible that Pete isn’t that keen on taking the dog out for its evening walk in all weathers either, but it is one of his chores, before his dad gets home from work and while his mother is busy bathing his younger sibling.
What Tom wants to hear from you is the reason for your decision, whether it is in respect of dog walking, meals in front of the television, bedtime or anything else. Tom may even repeat your reason to Pete (giving it his stamp of approval) the next time Pete boasts about his dog walking, although Tom won’t admit he has done so to you. Children question their parents, but it is surprising just how loyal they are when interacting with their peer group.
If Tom questions you about your decision – and it’s incumbent upon him at this age to do so – it is probably because he wants to hear why you have made the decision you have, nothing more. ‘So what age can I take the dog out alone?’ he may ask, which you and your partner should consider and make a decision on. If Tom really does want to take your dog out alone (or whatever the issue is), and is not purely seeking reassurance for your decision, then consider a compromise. In the case of dog walking this would be one that maintains the balance between safety and independence; for example, Tom could take the dog round the block after school and before it is dark, as long as this is acceptable to you and in line with your decision on what is safe.
If Tom is really challenging you and persists with ‘Why not? Pete does,’ etc., and you have explained your position and explored the alternatives (i.e. dog walking earlier in the evening), then restate your position and call an end to the matter, using the 3Rs. Don’t get into further debate: you are the parent and you have made your reasonable decision through your Request. Now Repeat – ‘Tom, I have explained why and that is an end to the matter.’ If Tom persists, like a worn-out record, then walk away and busy yourself with something else. If he follows you and continues, Repeat and Reaffirm, warning him of the sanction if he persists. ‘Tom, that is enough now. If you mention it again you won’t be going to football club.’ When a child persistently challenges you on the same point it is not only very wearying for you but designed to wear you down so that you give in and change your mind, so doing what Tom wants. This is disrespectful on Tom’s part, and if he is allowed to get away with it, it will have a knock-on effect on your authority and discipline in the future.
Deal with any challenges as individual incidents and don’t cross-reference them by reminding Tom of other times he has challenged you. Once you have made your decision, stand fast, or else your child will gain unreasonable control.
Don’t compare your child
While it is all right for your child to make comparisons between you and other parents, don’t be tempted yourself to make comparisons between your child and other children. It will undermine your child’s confidence and build up resentment. ‘Why can’t you be like Simon? He is always so polite’ is an absolute no no, and also probably untrue: Simon may be ultra polite with you (children usually are with their friends’ parents), but it could be a very different story at home. Or ‘Aran does his piano practice every evening without being asked.’ Maybe, or more likely that’s what his mother has told you. Or ‘Suneetha likes to wear the pretty dresses her mother buys her. Why don’t you, Claire, instead of those jeans?’ Or ‘I’m sure Lisa wouldn’t speak to her mother like that!’ etc. It’s OK for your child to make comparisons, and you may find yourself comparing your child unfavourably, particularly on a bad day, but don’t ever voice your thoughts. Apart from making your child feel resentful, to do so will give him or her the message that you undervalue what he or she does do right, which will be a lot of things.
Likewise, don’t mention other children’s exam or test results, or dwell on their achievements – ‘Jasmine did so well getting her grade five in ballet’ or ‘I hear Sanjith is top of the class again.’ Pointing out excellence when your child may be struggling will undermine your child’s confidence and make him or her less likely to try new activities and skills. Praise your child for what he or she has achieved, even if it falls a long way short of what others have achieved and what you aspire to for your child. Your child has tried his or her best, and remember children shine in different ways.
Peer pressure – yours
When parents get together they like nothing more than to talk about their children – their offspring’s achievements and how they, the parents, successfully manage their children’s behaviour. It is natural for parents to do so: we are incredibly proud of what we cherish most, and we have been trumpeting our children’s achievements since they were babies. Pooling child-rearing experience can be useful, but don’t be swayed or intimidated by what you hear. I sometimes cringe when I hear a group of mothers (mothers do it more than fathers) expounding their brand of child rearing as being the only way, proved by the exemplary behaviour of their offspring.
If you have managed your child successfully until this age there is no reason to change your rules and guidelines unless you feel something might work better. There will already be additional pressure on you and your child at this age, as he or she approaches secondary school; make sure you don’t add to it by being persuaded into something by your peer group. The same applies to advice from any other well-meaning adult – friend or relative: you decide how to bring up your child, and if your strategies are working, stay with them.
Child overload
There are an incredible number of opportunities for children in modern-day affluent societies to learn all manner of skills and indulge in many hobbies – ballet, football, gym, ice-skating, piano, violin lessons, etc. But sometimes parents, wanting their children to be accomplished, sign them up for a ridiculously high number of activities, as well as expecting them to achieve academically. It is often the professional middle classes (with the income) who turn their children into performing seals, ferrying them every evening from one club or activity to another, with barely a breathing space in between.
I’m not saying ballet or piano lessons are going to turn your child into a juvenile delinquent, but make sure you don’t overload your child and have unattainably high goals. Clubs and activities should be fun for your child, and for your child’s personal accomplishment and pleasure, not a merit badge for you to pin to your coat to show others.
One close friend of mine, who had waited a long time to have her child, did what she thought was best by enrolling her daughter in virtually everything that was available from a very early age. As soon as the child could walk she was attending tumble tots, ballet, gym, swimming and trampoline classes, and by the time she had started school, piano, violin and trumpet lessons had been added, tucked in between various clubs and after-school activities, and home tuition in English, French and Maths. My friend genuinely believed she was giving her daughter the best start in life by providing her with all the opportunities she herself hadn’t had as a child. Rewards were given as incentives for obtaining grades and badges and passing exams; and the pressure on the child, while not obvious at the time, must have been enormous.
I remember feeling something of a failure for not providing my children with all the opportunities my friend’s daughter had, but by the age of ten her daughter was becoming very difficult and challenging in her behaviour. By the age of fourteen she had completely rebelled and was doing anything and everything that would upset or hurt her mother. She refused to go to school, got into drugs, alcohol and under-age sex, and ultimately got into trouble with the police. Having spent years on overload and under pressure to fulfil her mother’s (too high) expectations, she’d been set up for failure, as well as having had no time to simply be a child and explore her own identity. Sadly at the age of sixteen she became pregnant, and her poor mother, having hoped for so much, was left with nothing but to try to pick up the pieces and support her daughter as best she could.
The 3Rs work miracles
As ‘big fish’, children of this age tend to think they no longer need adult care and supe
rvision, when the truth is they need it more than ever. If children at this age are left to get on with things, which their confidence and self-assurance suggests they could, they quickly become lonely, unhappy and frightened – aware of but unable to cope with the responsibility in their widening world.
I have fostered many children in this age group who hadn’t had appropriate care and supervision. They arrive loud-mouthed, and with a take-me-on-if-you-dare attitude; they are brash, verbally and, sometimes, physically aggressive, and hell bent on challenging all the boundaries and guidelines. But beneath all their bravado is a small frightened child who is crying out to be looked after and cared for. It is surprising just how quickly children like this can settle, and their behaviour be turned around. To their parents and other professionals it seems as though I have worked a miracle, so dramatic is the change in the children’s behaviour. It is no miracle, and I am no miracle worker. What I do is put in place the boundaries for good behaviour and respect, which should have been there from the start, as well as giving the children loads of love, care and attention, so that they feel safe and cherished.
If you are already using the 3Rs, then migration through this ‘big fish’ phase should be relatively painless. If not, you will need to put in place the boundaries immediately, and look at Chapter 6 on turning around a difficult child. The sooner you begin the better.
Disciplining your child’s friends
Don’t be afraid or feel embarrassed to use the 3Rs in front of, and with, your child’s friends. If, for instance, Tom is having a game of football in the garden with his mates and you have asked him and the rest of the group to play away from the flowerbeds, and they don’t, deal with it by addressing the whole group. Request – ‘Please play with the ball at the end of the garden, away from the patio and flowers. Good boys.’ If they persist, then Repeat your Request. If they continue, Reaffirm with the sanction – ‘Boys, I’m sorry, but if you can’t play with the ball at the end of the garden, you’ll have to put it away and find something else to do.’ Your child might scowl or throw you a disapproving look, but he and his friends will respect you for your authority. The alternative is that you compromise your rules whenever Tom has friends in to play, feeling uncomfortable about disciplining the whole group, which will result in your authority taking a beating every time Tom has friends in, until eventually you have to stop him having his friends in at all.