by Cathy Glass
Routine is safe and secure, and once your child knows what is expected he or she can easily get it right and receive your praise – ‘Well done, Tom. You got straight out of bed at seven thirty as I asked.’
Hold a family meeting
Now you need to talk to your child about the changes you are about to make in their routine and behaviour, and why the changes are necessary. If you have a partner and/or other children, hold a family meeting. Not a long meeting – about ten minutes is fine. If there is just you and your child, sit them down facing you so that you have their attention while you talk.
Explain the routine – going-to-bed time, homework time, household chores, etc. – but don’t expect your child to remember it instantly. He or she will need quite a few reminders to begin with, especially if there has been no routine and his or her day has been largely unstructured. If your child can tell the time, it’s a good idea to give him or her a watch, or put a clock in their bedroom. This will give your child responsibility for time keeping, which he or she will enjoy; it is also far more agreeable than you bellowing the time from the bottom of the stairs.
As well as explaining your new routine, tell your child what the behavioural issues are that are causing you and your partner concern. These may seem obvious to you, but they won’t necessarily to the child, particularly if his or her negative behaviour has gone uncorrected for years. Tell your child that their behaviour is wrong and that it is going to change – i.e. that there will be no more biting, shouting, slamming doors, etc. Warn of the sanctions that will be applied if necessary, and finish your talk on a positive note by praising your child, even if it is only for sitting still and listening to you.
Now start immediately: actions speak louder than words, and although your child or children listened to what you said they won’t appreciate that change is afoot until it actually happens.
Use the 3Rs
It won’t be long before your child puts you and the new boundaries to the test. It won’t necessarily be intentional, but old habits die hard. Remember, the policy is zero tolerance, so do not ignore any negative behaviour if it is on your list as a priority to change.
Let’s say you have just had your family meeting, and Jack has gone off to watch television while you finish making dinner. Dinner is ready and you call everyone to come – you will be taking your evening meal together as a family from now on, even if it’s just you and Jack. Jack, however, is used to eating when it suits him (as he is used to doing most things), and it doesn’t suit him to eat right now.
You Request Jack to come to dinner – ‘Jack, dinner time. Switch off the television and come now, please,’ said within reasonable talking distance, not bellowing from one end of the house to the other. Jack doesn’t do as you have asked. He has heard you but sees no reason to change the behaviour of the past. You Repeat your Request – ‘Jack, I’ve asked you to come to dinner. Now, or I’ll be stopping television time’ (or whatever sanction you are going to use). Jack doesn’t, so you Reaffirm. You go to him and say, ‘Jack, I have asked you to come for dinner, so I am switching off the television.’ You switch off the television and Jack is absolutely furious. How dare you! He yells at you and tries to switch on the television again. You talk calmly but firmly, and explain that the television is staying off, as it is dinnertime. Jack attempts to switch on the television and curses you, so you tell him he has lost half an hour’s viewing (when he would normally have watched television) for not doing as you have asked. And you unplug the television. Jack is even more angry now and is storming around and yelling. You tell him to go to his room for quiet time until he has calmed down. He refuses. You come out of the room, thus enforcing quiet time on Jack.
If Jack defiantly plugs in and switches on the television, either remove the television from the room (and make it inaccessible to him) or, if that is not practical, take the fuse from the plug. Whatever you have to do, do it. Jack will not be watching the television, and he will be amazed. Nothing like this has ever happened before and he will now be starting to see that you are serious in your Request. He will probably shout and storm some more; then he will eventually come for dinner – there is no television so he may as well eat. Praise him, but not effusively – ‘Good boy, Jack’ – and congratulate yourself. You have just succeeded in taking the first very big step to regaining control of Jack and getting his behaviour back on track.
However, remember that when Jack asks for the television on again after dinner, he has lost half an hour as a sanction, and don’t change your mind. Remind Jack why he has lost his television time – i.e. for not doing as you asked – and be prepared for another tantrum. Being consistent is crucial for regaining control, as is it for all good parenting. For Jack to take you and your authority seriously and change his ways, he must come to understand that you mean what you say; otherwise his behaviour will deteriorate further and it will be more difficult to turn him around later. Hollow threats and promises have no place in child rearing. You must do as you say, whether it is stopping an activity as a sanction or introducing a new activity as a special treat for exceptionally good behaviour.
If Jack apologises and says he is sorry for what he has done, then say, ‘Thank you, Jack, and well done for saying sorry.’ But still impose the sanction; otherwise apologising will become an easy ploy for Jack to escape the consequences of his negative behaviour.
Confrontation
That first evening (or day if you start in the morning) will be the worst, in respect of challenges to your authority. But if there has been little or no routine and boundaries, be prepared for one confrontation after another, as Jack strives to maintain control. If you have a partner, then be very supportive of each other and work together as one; Jack will be trying to force a gap, by manipulation or playing one off against the other, so stand close, for divided you fall. Remember, we are talking about a child who is out of control and has probably spent years manipulating his or her parents.
The next day will be that little bit easier, and so will the day after and the day after that. During the two-week ‘turning around’ period you will see steady improvement as well as some setbacks. Don’t be disheartened; overall you will be gaining ground towards making your child’s behaviour acceptable. I say two weeks because in my experience that is the time it takes for a child to relinquish control and for the parents to regain it, thereby setting the child’s behaviour on the path to recovery. You may find it takes less than two weeks, particularly with a child under the age of eight or nine where the negative behaviour isn’t so entrenched.
Let’s return to that first evening with Jack. He has had his dinner, had another tantrum because you stopped half an hour’s television time and is now allowed to watch a programme or play on his PlayStation. Make sure Jack knows what is expected of him during the evening – the household chore he is expected to do, homework, bath- and bedtime, etc. Always give your child plenty of warning and reminders, restating your expectations – ‘Jack, you can play on the PlayStation until 7.00 p.m. and then it is your bath-time.’ Be certain you remember to do what you have said – it is futile explaining a new routine if you don’t implement it. If Jack has more tantrums or refusals, implement the sanctions the following day if it’s late.
It won’t have been an easy evening, but finish with a small unwinding activity or a story, and as you tuck Jack into bed, tell him you love him and give him a big hug. If refusing to stay in bed is one of Jack’s problems and he keeps getting out, take him back each time and resettle him (as you would a younger child) even if you are up until midnight. The new routine and changes to Jack’s behaviour must be seen through, no matter how long it takes.
Now you are well into this ‘turning around’ period you will be dealing with many issues of negative behaviour at the same time, so that Jack may be shouting at you as you are dealing with him having just trashed his bedroom. Don’t ignore the lesser offence if it is on your list of behaviour you want to change in your child – i
n this case shouting. Address it – ‘Jack, you do not shout at me. You will speak calmly – otherwise there will be no PlayStation this evening.’ If Jack persists tell him he has lost PlayStation or whatever sanction you are using. In zero tolerance all the negative behaviour you are changing needs to be addressed as it happens.
Make sure the sanction you have chosen is reasonable and can be applied within a reasonable time (twenty-four hours). It’s no good using a sanction where the effect won’t be felt for another week – it will be ineffective, and both you and the child will probably have forgotten all about it. Ideally, sanctions should take effect immediately (for example switching off the television or PlayStation), or at least on the same day. And don’t lose sight of why you are doing this: to bring your child under your control and correct his or her negative behaviour so that you can again take pleasure in your child’s company again.
Quality time
The pleasure of your child’s company may well have become lost along the way as you struggled with your child’s unacceptable behaviour. Now you are regaining control, and even though you are working through a very difficult two-week period, you should find time in each day to spend quality time with your child.
It needn’t be a huge amount of time, if you are very busy, but do something together each day. Spending fifteen minutes, one to one with your child, in a game of your child’s choosing will work wonders in cementing the bond between you and encouraging cooperation. This quality time is as important as the rules and boundaries you are putting in place, and in an ideal world you will have been spending quality time with your child since he or she was little. You can set aside quality time at the same time each day if it suits your routine, or simply spy the opportunity; but make sure you do it.
Let your child chose the activity, within reason, and get down to your child’s level, playing cars on the floor or modelling in dough – whatever your child has chosen. If your child chooses an impractical activity like going swimming when it’s nearly bedtime, then explain that that would be a good activity for the weekend and steer him or her towards a more practical choice. Helping your child with his or her homework or giving extra help with school work is also quality time, as you will be working together side by side in harmony, although it is additional quality time and should not replace the two of you having fun with a game. Spend the time with your child willingly and join in the game or activity your child has chosen wholeheartedly. It is important for your child to see that you are enjoying the activity and his or her company – that it is quality time for you too.
Allow time
Because it is imperative that your child now does as he or she has been reasonably Requested by you, allow extra time for this to happen. If Jack discovers that by prevaricating he can get out of doing what you have asked, it won’t take long for him to use this as a technique for managing (i.e. manipulating) your behaviour. Allow extra time so that you can see through your Requests and expectations and deal with any negative behaviour. For example, if the mornings produce challenges and refusals it may be that you have to get up earlier on a school morning.
Progress
Your new order and routine will gradually become easier over the first few days, as little by little your child understands what is expected of him or her and responds. To begin with you will be continually Requesting, Repeating and Reaffirming, and applying sanctions as necessary. If it feels and sounds like a ‘boot camp’ in your house to begin with, that is no bad thing. You can’t go on as you have been with Jack marching along the road to delinquency and you dreading each new day.
I am aware that if a stranger overheard me in the first two weeks talking to a child with very challenging behaviour and whom I am turning around, they would probably think me very harsh and uncaring. Nothing could be further from the truth: it is because I care that I stop everything else to concentrate on that child’s behaviour. Boundaries are a sign of caring, one that the child will soon recognise. The child doesn’t want to be out of control any more than you, the parent (or carer), wants the child to be. It is a very unsafe and frightening place for a child; control without responsibility is internal mayhem, not harmony.
As in the example of Jack not coming for dinner when called, you should use the same approach to all your Requests – if Jack needs to do something, then he has to do it. Likewise, if you Request Jack to stop doing something (negative), then he stops. Remember, this is a child whose behaviour is unacceptable and you need to get him or her back on track fast, for the good of not only the child but the family and society at large.
Prioritise and insist on politeness
During the first two weeks choose only the Requests that are essential, i.e. those on your priority list – for example, not shouting, swearing or kicking and leave the more minor Requests – for example, for Jack to put his dirty clothes in the laundry basket – until you have gained Jack’s cooperation. In addition to Jack now doing everything you have Requested, insist on politeness, respect and cooperation at all times. It will undermine your progress if you allow your child to swear at you even if he or she has done as you have asked. So as you turn around your child and make good his or her negative behaviour, keep an eye on the larger picture. If his or her comment, tone or manner isn’t respectful, correct it – ‘Excuse me, Jack, you don’t use that word here.’
The ‘larger picture’ includes the following, none of which you should now tolerate.
Rudeness and aggression
You should no longer tolerate rudeness or aggression of any description, so correct all instances each and every time they arise. If Jack, for example, calls you names, swears or tries to kick you, move away and Request in a very firm and indignant voice, ‘No Jack! You do not do that. Ever. Stop it now. Do you understand me?’ If he doesn’t stop, impose a sanction. If Jack shouts or swears, stop him immediately, telling him what he has done wrong – ‘Jack, you do not use that word/shout’ – and if he ignores your Request, Repeat and impose the sanction.
Being demanding
If Jack demands rather than asks, he will have probably been doing it for years, and you will have been reinforcing Jack’s attitude by meeting his demands. It has become a habit for him that produces results, but not any longer.
Stop him as he demands something and tell him the correct way to ask, as it won’t necessarily be obvious to Jack – ‘Jack, you say “Can I have an ice cream, please?” Not “I want one!"’ Don’t give Jack the ice cream (or whatever it is) until he has asked properly, and then praise him – ‘Good boy, Jack. That was polite. Which flavour would you like?’ Do not enter into conversation with your child if he or she is shouting and demanding: it’s demeaning for you and reduces you to the same level as the child whose behaviour you are correcting.
If your child continues to shout and demand, move away from him or her, thus imposing quiet time, until he or she is calmer and can be spoken to rationally. All your conversations with Jack should be calm, and the dialogue spoken in a calm, even and respectful voice.
Impudence
If Jack is impudent – for example, by covering his ears or making loud noises so that he can’t hear you when you are trying to chastise him – don’t shout over the noise or prise his hands away from his ears, but ignore him until he has stopped the noise or lowered his hands, and then approach him. If he does it again as soon as you start talking, move away again and impose a sanction. Such behaviour is rude and disrespectful and you should not tolerate it. Later, when Jack is receptive, explain why you have imposed the sanction – because his behaviour was rude and unacceptable.
If you have been putting up with such behaviour for a long time, it will take a number of instances before the behaviour is corrected, but it will change quickly when Jack realises his method of behaving is no longer successful. Remember to praise Jack when he gets it right – ‘Well done, you listened nicely while I was talking.’
Likewise answering back when you are disciplining Jack i
s very rude and disrespectful and should no longer be tolerated. Deal with it immediately by warning, and then apply a sanction if Jack persists.
Interrupting and talking over
If Jack interrupts or talks over you, stop what you are trying to say and address the interruption. Answering back and talking over someone else are forms of dominance and control and have no place when a child is conversing with an adult. You often see adults – teachers, parents, carers, relatives and friends of parents – stopping something they were saying as a child interrupts and talks over them, not realising what is happening.
If your child does this, say firmly – ‘Jack, I am talking. Please don’t interrupt. You can have your say in a moment when I have finished.’ Then continue with what you were saying prior to Jack’s interruption. When you have finished, turn to Jack and say, ‘Now, what was it you wanted to say?’ The chances are that, if Jack was using interrupting as a means of control, he won’t have anything to say now he has been given the platform to speak. A child interrupting or talking over you (in the context of challenging behaviour) is about dominating the situation and you, rather than airing a genuine point of view. You may find you are in the habit of accepting such behaviour as the norm; don’t any longer – it isn’t acceptable and will do nothing for your status as a parent or adult.
I have fostered many children with very challenging behaviour who used talking over me as a means of control. One ten-year-old boy I looked after would start to speak loudly each and every time I began to talk. Not only was it disrespectful, but the child couldn’t hear what I was saying and therefore had no idea what I had just asked him to do. He came from a family where everyone shouted the whole time and never listened to what anyone else was saying. After a very short time of living with me he found that if he listened to what I was saying he would know what to do, which earned him praise, and also that when he spoke, everyone listened to what he had to say.