by Cathy Glass
Before you embark on changing your children’s unacceptable behaviour, familiarise yourself with the other factors that can affect children’s behaviour – for example, moving house, divorce or remarriage. Be sensitive to any factors that may have affected one child, or all the children in your family, but do not let those factors be used as an excuse for the child or children behaving badly. As we have seen, children need routine and boundaries, even when working through change or family crisis; indeed they need security and stability more than ever when other aspects of their lives are out of control.
First steps
1. The first step for you and your partner (if you have one) is to decide a routine, which will encompass your objectives – for example, the children getting up on time in the morning, meals, clearing up, etc. Also draw up your house rules that prohibit the children’s negative behaviour – no shouting, swearing, throwing things, hitting, pinching, etc. – as well as encouraging positive behaviour – be kind, helpful, gentle, patient, etc.
2. Now call a family meeting, where all the children are present, even the baby. Although the baby won’t be able to contribute much it is important that the older children see the baby included as part of the family unit.
3. Stand with your partner at the front of the meeting while your children are seated, thus emphasising your authoritative presence. This should be done even if you have only two children. Make sure all the children are seated, quiet and listening before you or your partner start to talk. If the children are all over the place, then praise the one child (and there will always be at least one) who is doing as asked and sitting quietly waiting – ‘What a good boy!’ – and the others will follow the example.
4. Whichever one of you is doing the talking should state that you are both concerned about some of the children’s behaviour, but that is all going to change now and improve. Be positive, speak evenly and firmly, and hold yourself upright. You and your partner are leaders of the pack.
5. Explain your new routine and what is expected of the children – for example, they are to get up for school when called at 7.00 a.m., take turns in the bathroom, all come for dinner when called at 6.00 p.m., put dirty washing in the laundry basket, etc. If any of the children interrupts, use a pointed pause and wait for silence before continuing.
6. Now explain your house rules: no hitting, shouting, swearing, throwing things, etc. Do not use this meeting to single out the negative behaviour of one child. Do not say, ‘Tom, you will not hit Claire any more,’ but do say (as one of your rules), ‘There will be no more hitting,’ and warn of the sanction if the behaviour persists.
7. Explain the reward system you have decided to use. I would not recommend using a star chart or similar for turning around siblings, as it encourages sibling competition and therefore rivalry: not all the children will have the same number of stars so inevitably one will be the ‘winner’ and one the ‘loser’. You are improving the behaviour of the group, so I prefer a small family activity at the end of the week to reward the group’s behaviour. This encourages teamwork rather than the children being in competition with each other.
8. Once you have finished explaining your new routine and house rules, the children can comment if they wish, one at a time, but do not enter into debate. You have given your reasons for the changes that need to be made (i.e. to correct the unacceptable behaviour) and, as parents, you have the right to make reasonable decisions for the good of your children and family unit.
9. Finish the meeting by praising the children for sitting still and listening, even if they have been a bit fidgety and you had to stop to regain attention.
Begin
You and your partner should now begin your new routine and house rules immediately, using the 3Rs. Remember:
* Praise the children when they do something right, collectively and individually. Warn of and then impose a reasonable sanction for persistent negative behaviour.
* Although you are dealing with the children as a group, much of the correcting of negative behaviour will need to be done with individual children as and when the behaviour arises.
* The children will need plenty of reminders in the early days as they unlearn previous negative behaviour and respond to your new guidelines and boundaries.
* Be vigilant when two or more children are together. Leave the door open to the room where they are if you are not present, so that you can hear and monitor what is going on.
* Early intervention stops a situation escalating out of control. As the parent, you will know when trouble is brewing from what your children are saying, their tone or even that ominous silence.
* Give each child age-appropriate responsibility for taking care of his or her own needs, as well as contributing to the needs and smooth running of the family. For example, you might ask ten-year-old Tom and nine-year-old Claire to clear away the dishes, while six-year-old Jimmy and four-year-old Lisa pack away the toys. However, I wouldn’t post a rota of chores on the wall, as it quickly gets forgotten and becomes a testament to what should have happened. Better to enlist the help of the children as and when required, but make sure they do as asked or else future requests are likely to be ignored – most children would rather be playing or watching television than clearing out the rabbit hutch on a cold winter’s evening.
Strategies to use
Use all the strategies we have looked at in this book for managing one child or the group:
Assert your authoritative presence by speaking in a firm even voice when you Request a child to do something, but do not shout.
Request, Repeat and Reaffirm, but do not enter into debate. You have reasonably asked your child or children to do something and they need to do it.
Use zero tolerance for the first two weeks while you are turning around the children.
Use the closed choice – it works for a group as it does for an individual child – ‘Children, do you want to tidy up your toys before or after you have your baths?’
Use quiet time – remove the distressed or angry child from the group so that he or she can calm down and reflect. But don’t highlight or talk about the child’s wrongdoing to the other children by saying, for instance, ‘Tom has been very naughty. That’s why I’ve put him out of the room.’ At the end of the quiet time allow the child to return to the other children and assume positive behaviour. If one of the other children smirks at the ‘naughty child’ or makes remarks – ‘You were naughty, tee-hee’ etc. – deal with it by telling the child not to make the comment, and sanction if it is repeated. As the parent you deal with discipline and you don’t need a child to reinforce it: that elevates their status, diminishes yours and builds up resentment in the child who has been corrected.
Intervene immediately to stop physical fights. Siblings won’t agree all the time, no matter how close they are, but they must never resort to physical aggression. Say loudly and firmly, ‘Stop that now. There is no fighting in this house.’ If they don’t, don’t repeat it, but physically separate them and apply a sanction to both children. Fighting can never be tolerated and I would never encourage ‘play fighting’ either, as it can easily escalate and get out of control. If one child is always starting fights, he or she is bullying and needs to be dealt with immediately and firmly. Talk to the child who is bullying and find out if there is a reason for their behaviour – for example, the child might feel undervalued. If so, reassure the child and ensure the child is fairly included, but make it clear that you will not tolerate fighting, and obviously impose a sanction if it happens again.
Encourage group activities but don’t insist on them, other than family outings, when you all go. Children in a family, particularly a large one, will play with and form different attachments to different siblings at different times. You can’t force all the children to play together all of the time.
Start each day afresh and assume positive behaviour, no matter how difficult the previous evening was.
Reward all positive behaviour with
verbal praise until the behaviour becomes the norm.
At the end of the first week hold a meeting when you praise the children as a group for trying really hard to improve their behaviour and follow the routine. They will have tried really hard, because you and your partner will have made sure of it by closely monitoring their behaviour and reinforcing the guidelines using the 3Rs. Give each child a chance to speak at the meeting, with everyone listening, so that he or she can say what they feel has gone well and what needs improving. Don’t let one child put another down at this meeting; everyone’s opinion is valid. Keep the weekly meetings going for as long as you feel they are necessary. I find it a useful tool even when things are going smoothly – it reinforces cooperation, reduces confrontation and bonds the family unit.
And take heart: the vast majority of siblings who do not easily get along with each other as children go on to become the best of friends as teenagers or adults.
CHAPTER SEVEN
Not Your Own
Step-parents
A stepfamily is formed when a parent enters a new marriage or begins cohabiting, usually following divorce or the death of the natural parent. Step-parents do not have an easy time of it, no matter how well prepared they are or how positive the new family is about all living together. Step-parents traditionally have a bad press. Folklore in many cultures depicts the wicked stepmother, as in the ‘Cinderella syndrome’, while in Western countries a stepchild is ten times more likely to be abused than a child living with his or her natural parents. A new step-parent will often feel he or she is on trial – being scrutinised, assessed, questioned and found lacking by the stepchildren, and sometimes by his or her partner.
However, stepfamilies are not all gloom and doom, and many are very successful, with the step-parent working in partnership with the natural parent, and as a positive addition to the child’s absent parent. There is much the step-parent can do to create and maintain a positive environment for the stepchildren, which will go a long way to ensuring the success of the new family unit.
Young stepchildren
If you are the step-parent of a baby or very young child (below the age of two), you will find your role of step-parent considerably easier, and that the bond of affection is forming more quickly than it might with an older child. The very young child will not view you as usurping the position of the natural parent, and young children are more receptive and adaptable to new routines and guidelines.
You will still need to allow a period of adjustment in the new family; even a baby will be aware of changes in a household. But the success of your role as step-parent, both in nurturing and guiding your young stepchild, will be largely in your hands, as you will not have to ‘step into the shoes’ of the absent parent who was previously in that role. This is especially true of the young child who is not in contact with his or her natural parent, for example in the case of a single mother (or father). You and your partner will be relatively free to introduce your routine and guidelines, and parent as you see fit, although of course you should answer honestly any questions the child might later have about his natural parent.
If the young child has contact with his or her natural parent, then as the step-parent you will have to be sensitive not only to the child’s needs but to the feelings of your partner and the absent parent, as everyone adjusts to the new family. Do not, for example, actively encourage your young stepchild to call you Daddy (or Mummy); if it’s going to happen, let it happen naturally and at the child’s pace. It will be less confusing for the young child, and also less likely to cause resentment on the part of the absent parent – it is surprising just how emotive the name a child calls the step-parent can be.
Older stepchildren
It is less likely that an older stepchild (or stepchildren) will have the dilemma of what to call you: they will be aware of their natural parents, and call them Mum and Dad, and will probably refer to you by your first name. Never attempt to erode the relationship your stepchild has with the absent parent, no matter how much you yearn for the child to see you as mum or dad. Acknowledge the relationship the child has with the absent parent, and if possible work with it, both in nurturing and discipline. For example, if your stepchild has just returned from seeing his or her natural parent, ask them if they had a nice time and listen to their reply. If your stepchild, while watching you do something, says, ‘My mum doesn’t do it like that,’ don’t take it as a criticism but use it as an opening to conversation by saying something like, ‘Oh, really, how does she do it?’ And listen to the reply. This will make for happier and smoother relationships all round.
At home, remember that your partner will have spent years building up his or her relationship with the child, so in the early months of the new family being formed, let the natural parent take the lead and take direction from your partner. This is crucial when it comes to disciplining your stepchild, but should also be applied to showing affection, nurturing and whatever else you want to do for your stepchild. Obviously be supportive of your partner, but don’t seek to take the initiative in the early months, particularly when it comes to guiding and correcting your stepchildren’s behaviour. This will cause resentment more quickly than anything, and guarantee the retort, ‘You can’t tell me what to do. You’re not my real mum/dad.’
Observe
Spend time observing and understanding how your partner guides and corrects his or her children – what is acceptable behaviour and what is not. You may be surprised to find that although you thought you knew your partner very well, now that you are living together you discover you have different views in respect of correcting and disciplining children. Don’t be tempted to jump in and criticise – ‘I wouldn’t let any daughter of mine go out dressed like that.’ Your partner won’t appreciate your criticism and neither will your stepdaughter.
Wait on the sidelines, be supportive of your partner and when you have a better understanding of how the family dynamics work, raise any matters of concern with your partner when the two of you are alone. Clearly, if you are to be a successful parenting team you and your partner must agree on the ground rules and guidelines for the children’s behaviour, but don’t be over-zealous in the early months when you are all settling into the new family.
Don’t criticise the other parent
Don’t ever be tempted to criticise your stepchild’s estranged parent in front of the child – not even a flippant aside or joke about their lack of parenting skills or discipline. If, say, your stepson arrives back from spending time with his father as high as a kite on fizzy drink and junk food, hide your disapproval; otherwise it will put your stepson on the defensive and provoke him into loyally protecting his father, making you the bad guy.
Also discourage your partner from criticising his or her ex’s parenting skills and discipline in front of the child. It is confusing and upsetting for a child who has just returned from a great day out with an absent parent to find that the experience falls short of your and your partner’s ideals. In a perfect world both sets of parents will be working from the same rules in respect of guiding and disciplining the children, but if not, you will just have to ‘hold your tongue’, pick up the pieces and resettle your stepchild back into you and your partner’s household.
Use what works
If your stepchildren are well behaved and come into your stepfamily with a clear routine and boundaries for acceptable behaviour, be grateful, and don’t seek to change what is working. The maxim ‘If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it’ can be applied very well here. Step-parents often feel the need to make their mark, their stamp of approval, on their stepchildren; don’t. If the guidelines for good behaviour are already in place and working, then run with them, even if they are not the way you would have done it if you had started with a blank canvas. A step-parent doesn’t start with a blank canvas; the rules will have come from the union of your partner and his or her ex. So be prepared for ‘My dad says I should/my dad lets me/my dad says it’s not good’ etc. Em
brace what is already working and you may find that in years to come your stepchild opts for your way of doing something as an informed choice.
Prepare to be tested
Be prepared to be challenged and tested in the early months of being a step-parent, even if your stepchildren are accommodating and well behaved. The formation of a new stepfamily is always difficult emotionally for children, and even more so if it has necessitated moving house, with the loss of friends and familiarity. It is only natural that your stepchildren will hold you, as the step-parent, partly to blame for their upheaval and loss. Children take time to adapt to change and this change was not of their making, and indeed something they had no control over.
Discuss with your partner the guidelines for good behaviour you need to put in place while the new household settles, and obviously be consistent and united. Be prepared for a transition stage where you as the stepparent are tested. Testing is about reassurance, and your stepchildren will be greatly reassured when they have tested you and found you and your principles reliable, consistent, caring and upholding their values.
If they’re out of control
If you inherit stepchildren who are out of control, then you and your partner need to put in place a routine and boundaries very quickly, or else the situation will deteriorate. Decide with your partner what issues need addressing, and call a family meeting. At the meeting, let your partner do most of the talking. Reassure the children that you both appreciate that they have had a lot to contend with recently with all the changes, but tell them that you have concerns about their behaviour, and are introducing a routine and some basic house rules. Explain the routine and rules and how they will help all family members; then put them in place.