"Okay, you can cook dinner-but not in your apartment. And we get married first."
"Please, Sam!"
I heard somebody say, "Keep pitching, kid. She's weakening." I looked around and found that we were playing to a good-sized gallery.
I swept an arm wide, almost clipping the youngster who had given me the advice and shouted irritably, "Haven't you people got anything else to do? Go get drunk!"
Somebody else said, "I'd say he ought to take her offer; he won't get a better one."
I grabbed Mary by the arm and hurried her away from there. I did not say another word until I had gotten her into a cab and closed off the driver's compartment from the lounge. "All right," I said gruffly, "why not get married? Let's have your reasons."
"Why get married, Sam? I'm yours; you don't need a contract."
"Why? Because I love you; that's one reason, damn it!"
She did not answer for quite a while; I thought I had offended her. When she did I could hardly hear her. "You hadn't mentioned that before, Sam."
"Hadn't I? Oh, I must have. I'm sure I have."
"No, I'm sure, quite sure, that you haven't. Why didn't you?"
"Unh, I don't know. Just an oversight, I guess. I'm not right sure what the word 'love' means."
"Neither am I," she said softly, "but I love to hear you say it. Say it again, please."
"Huh? Okay. I love you. I love you, Mary."
"Oh, Sam!"
She snuggled in against my shoulder and began to tremble. I shook her a little. "How about you?"
"Me? Oh, I love you, Sam. I do love you. I've loved you ever since-"
"Ever since when?"
I thought she was going to say that she had loved me ever since I took her place in Project Interview; what she said was, "I've loved you ever since you slapped me."
Is that logic?
The driver was cruising slowly east along the Connecticut coast; I had told him just to drive around. I had to wake him up before I could get him to land us in Westport. We went straight to the City Hall.
I stepped up to a counter in the Bureau of Sanctions and Licenses and said to a clerk there, "Is this where we get married?"
"That's up to you," he answered. "Hunting licenses on the left, dog licenses on the right, this desk is the happy medium-I hope." He leered at me.
I don't like smart boys and the gag was ancient. "Very well," I said stiffly, "will you oblige by issuing us a license?"
"Sure thing. Everybody ought to get married at least once; that's what I keep telling my old lady." He got out a large printed form. "Let's have your serial numbers."
We gave them to him. He slid the form into a typer and recorded them. "Now-are either of you married in any other state?" We said that we weren't; he went on, "You're sure, now? If you are and don't tell me, so I can put a rider on this showing the other contracts, this contract ain't valid."
We told him again that we weren't married anywhere. He shrugged and went on, "Term, renewable, or lifetime? If it's over ten years, the fee is the same as for lifetime; if it's under six months, you don't need this; you get the short form from that vendo machine over there by the wall."
I looked at Mary; she said in a very small voice, "Lifetime."
The clerk looked surprised. "Lady, are you sure you know what you're doing? The renewable contract, with the automatic option clause, is just as permanent and you don't have to go through the courts if you change your mind."
I said, "You heard the lady! Put it down."
"Okay, okay-either party, mutual consent, or binding?"
"Binding," I answered and Mary nodded.
"Binding it is," he agreed, stroking the typer. "Now we come to the meat of the matter: who pays and how much? And is it salary or endowment?"
I said, "Salary"; I didn't own enough to set up a fund.
At the same time and in a firm voice Mary said, "Neither."
The clerk said, "Huh?"
"Neither one," Mary repeated. "This is not a financial contract."
The clerk stopped completely, looked at me, and then looked at Mary. "Now, look, lady," he said reasonably, "don't be foolish. You heard the gentleman say that he was willing to do the right thing."
"No."
"Hadn't you better talk it over with your lawyer before you go ahead with this? There's a public communicator out in the hall."
"No!"
"Well-I'm darned if I see what you need a license for."
"Neither do I," Mary told him.
"You mean you don't want this?"
"No! Put it down the way I told you to. 'No salary'. "
The clerk looked helpless but bent over the typer again. "I guess that's all we need," he said finally. "You've kept it simple, I'll say that for you. 'Do-you both-solemnly-swear-that-the-above-facts-are-true-to-the-best-of-your-knowledge-and-belief-that-you-aren't-entering-into-this-agreement-uninfluenced-by-drugs-or-other-illegal-inducements-and-that-there-exists-no-other-covenants-nor-other-legal-impediments-to-the-execution-and-registration-of-the-above-contract?' "
We both said that we did and we were and it was and there weren't. He pulled the form out of the typer. "Let's have your thumb prints. . . okay; that'll be ten dollars, including the federal tax." I paid him and he shoved the form into the copier and threw the switch. "Copies will be mailed to each of you," he announced, "at your serial-number addresses. Now-what type of ceremony are you looking for? Maybe I can be of help."
"We don't want a religious ceremony," Mary told him and I agreed.
He nodded. "Then I've got just what you're looking for. Old Doctor Chamleigh. He's completely non-sectarian, best stereo accompaniment in town, all four walls and full orchestra. He gives you the whole works, fertility rites and everything, but dignified. And he tops it off with a fatherly straight-from-the-shoulder word of advice. Makes you feel married."
"No." This time I said it.
"Oh, come, now!" the clerk said to me. "Think of the little lady. If she sticks by what she just swore to-and I'm not saying she won't-she'll never have another chance. Every girl is entitled to a formal wedding. Honest-I don't get much of a commission out of it."
I said, "See here, you can marry us, can't you? Go ahead. Get it over with!"
He looked surprised and said, "Didn't you know? In this state you marry yourself. You've been married, ever since you thumb-printed the license."
I said, "Oh-" Mary didn't say anything. We left.
I hired a duo at the landing flat north of town; the heap was ten years old and smelled of it but it had full-automatic and that was all that really mattered. I looped around the city, cut across Manhattan Crater, and set the controls. We didn't talk much; there didn't seem to be much to say just yet. I was happy but terribly nervous-and then Mary put her arms around me and after a bit I wasn't nervous any longer but happier than ever. After a long time that seemed short I heard the BEEEEP! beep-beep BEEEEP! of the beacon at my shack in the mountains, whereupon I unwound myself, took over manual, and landed. Mary said sleepily, "Where are we?"
"At my cabin in the mountains," I told her.
"I didn't know you had a cabin in the mountains. I thought you were headed for my apartment."
"What, and risk those bear traps? Anyhow, it's not mine; it's ours."
She kissed me again and I loused up the landing. She slid out ahead of me while I was securing the board, then I followed and found her staring at my shack. "Sweetheart, it's beautiful!"
"You can't beat the Adirondacks," I agreed. There was a slight haze with the sun low in the west, giving that wonderful, depth upon depth, stereo look that you never get anywhere else. "I picked this place for the view."
She glanced at it and said, "Yes, yes-but I didn't mean that. I meant your-our cabin. Let's go inside, right now."
"Suits," I agreed, "but it's really just a simple shack." Which it was-not even an indoor pool. I had kept it that way on purpose; when I came up here I didn't want to feel that I had brought the city with me.
The shell was conventional steel-and-fiberglass construction but I had had it veneered in duroslabs which could not be told from real logs unless you took a knife to them. The inside was just as simple-a big living room with a real, wood-burning fireplace, deep plain-colored rugs, and plenty of low chairs. The services were all in a Kompacto special, the shell of which was buried under the foundation-air-conditioner, power pack, cleansing system, sound equipment, plumbing, radiation alarm, servos-everything but the deep-freeze and the other kitchen equipment, out of sight and out of mind. Even the stereo screens were covered up and would not be noticed unless in use. It was about as near as a man could get to a real log cabin and still have inside plumbing.
"I think it's just lovely," Mary said seriously. "I wouldn't want to have an ostentatious place."
"You and me both." I worked the combo and the front door dilated; Mary was inside at once. "Hey! Come back here!" I yelled.
She did so. "What's the matter, Sam? Did I do something wrong?"
"You sure did." I dragged her back to me, then swung her up in my arms and carried her across the threshold. I kissed her as I put her down. "There. Now you are in your own house, properly."
The lights had come on as we entered the house. She looked around her, then turned and threw her arms around my neck. "Oh, darling, darling! I can't see-my eyes are all blurry."
Mine were blurry, too, so we took time out for mutual treatment. Then she started wandering around, touching things. "Sam, if I had planned it all myself, it would have been just this way."
"It hasn't but one bathroom," I apologized. "We'll have to rough it a bit."
"I don't mind. In fact I'm glad; now I know you didn't bring any of those women of yours up here."
"What women?"
"You know darn well what women. If you had been planning this as a nest, you would have included a woman's bathroom."
"You know too much."
She did not answer but wandered on out into the kitchen. I heard her squeal. "What's the matter?" I asked, following her out.
"I never expected to find a real kitchen in a bachelor's lodge."
"I'm not a bad cook myself. I wanted a kitchen so I bought one."
"I'm so glad. Now I will cook you dinner."
"It's your kitchen; suit yourself. But don't you want to wash up? You can have first crack at the shower if you want it. And tomorrow we'll get a catalog and you can pick out a bathroom of your own. We'll have it flown in."
"No hurry," she said. "You take the first shower. I want to start dinner."
So I did. I guess she did not have any trouble figuring out the controls and filing system in the kitchen, for about fifteen minutes later while I was whistling away in the shower, letting the hot water soak in, I heard a tap on the shower door. I looked through the translucent panel and saw Mary silhouetted there.
"May I come in?" she called out.
"Sure, sure!" I said, "Plenty of room." I opened the door and looked at her. She looked good. For a moment she stood there, letting me look but with a sweet shyness on her face that I had never seen before.
I put on an expression of utter surprise and said, "Honey! What's the matter? Are you sick?"
She looked startled out of her wits and said, "Me? What do you mean?"
"There's not a gun on you anywhere."
She giggled and came at me. "Idiot!" she squealed and started to tickle me. I got her left arm in a bonebreaker but she countered with one of the nastiest judo tricks that ever came out of Japan. Fortunately I knew the answer to it and then we were both on the bottom of the shower and she was yelling, "Let me up! You're getting my hair all wet."
"Does it matter?" I asked, not moving. I liked it there.
"I guess not," she answered softly and kissed me. So I let her up and we rubbed each other's bruises and giggled. It was quite the nicest shower I have ever had.
Mary and I slipped into domesticity as if we had been married for twenty years. Oh, not that our honeymoon was humdrum, far from it, nor that there weren't a thousand things we still had to learn about each other-the point was that we already seemed to know the necessary things about each other that made us married. Especially Mary.
I don't remember those days too clearly, yet I remember every second of them. I went around feeling gay and a bit confused. My Uncle Egbert used to achieve much the same effect with a jug of corn liquor, but we did not even take tempus pills, not then. I was happy; I had forgotten what it was like to be happy, had not known that I was not happy. Interested, I used to be-yes. Diverted, entertained, amused-but not happy.
We did not turn on a stereo, we did not read a book-except that Mary read aloud some Oz books that I had. Priceless items, they were, left to me by my great-grandfather; she had never seen any. But that did not take us back into the world; it took us farther out.
The second day we did go down to the village; I wanted to show Mary off. Down there they think I am a writer and I encourage the notion, so I stopped to buy a couple of tubes and a condenser for my typer and a roll of copy tape, though I certainly had no intention of doing any writing, not this trip. I got to talking with the storekeeper about the slugs and Schedule Bare Back-sticking to my public persona of course. There had been a local false alarm and a native in the next town had been shot by a trigger-happy constable for absent-mindedly showing up in public in a shirt. The storekeeper was indignant. I suggested that it was his own fault; these were war conditions.
He shook his head. "The way I see it we would have had no trouble at all if we had tended to our own business. The Lord never intended men to go out into space. We should junk the space stations and stay home; then we would be all right."
I pointed out that the slugs came here in their own ships; we did not go after them-and got a warning signal from Mary not to talk too much.
The storekeeper placed both hands on the counter and leaned toward me. "We had no trouble before space travel; you'll grant that?"
I conceded the point. "Well?" he said triumphantly.
I shut up. How can you argue?
We did not go into town after that and saw no one and spoke to no one. On the way home (we were on foot) we passed close to the shack of John the Goat, our local hermit. Some say that John used to keep goats; I know he smelled like one. He did what little caretaking I required and we respected each other, that is, we saw each other only when strictly necessary and then as briefly as possible. But, seeing him, I waved.
He waved back. He was dressed as usual, stocking cap, an old army blouse, shorts, and sandals. I thought of warning him that a man had been shot nearby for not complying with the bare-to-the-waist order, but decided against it. John was the perfect anarchist; advice would have made him only more stubborn. Instead I cupped my hands and shouted, "Send up the Pirate!" He waved again and we went on without coming within two hundred feet of him, which was about right unless he was downwind.
"Who's the Pirate, darling?" Mary asked.
"You'll see."
Which she did; as soon as we got back the Pirate came in, for I had his little door keyed to his own meow so that he could let himself in and out-the Pirate being a large and rakish torn cat, half red Persian and half travelling salesman. He came in strutting, told me what he thought of people who stayed away so long, then headbumped my ankle in forgiveness. I reached down and roughed him up, then he inspected Mary.
I was watching Mary. She had dropped to her knees and was making the sounds used by people who understand cat protocol, but the Pirate was looking her over suspiciously. Suddenly he jumped into her arms and commenced to buzz like a faulty fuel meter, while bumping her under the chin.
I sighed loudly. "That's a relief," I announced. "For a moment I didn't think I was going to be allowed to keep you."
Mary looked up and smiled. "You need not have worried; I get along with cats. I'm two-thirds cat myself."
"What's the other third?"
She made a face at me. "You'll find out." She was scratching the
Pirate under the chin; he was stretching his neck and accepting it, with an expression of indecent and lascivious pleasure. I noticed that her hair just matched his fur.
"Old John takes care of him while I'm away," I explained, "but the Pirate belongs to me-or vice versa."
"I figured that out," Mary answered, "and now I belong to the Pirate, too; don't I, Pirate?"
The cat did not answer but continued his shameless lallygagging-but it was clear that she was right. Truthfully I was relieved; aelurophobes cannot understand why cats matter to aelurophiles, but if Mary had turned out not to be one of the lodge it would have fretted me.
From then on the cat was with us-or with Mary-almost all the time, except when I shut him out of our bedroom. That I would not stand for, though both Mary and the Pirate thought it small of me. We even took him with us when we went down the canyon for target practice. I suggested to Mary that it was safer to leave him behind but she said, "See to it that you don't shoot him. I won't."
I shut up, somewhat stung. I am a good shot and remain so by unrelenting practice at every opportunity-even on my honeymoon. No, that's not quite straight; I would have skipped practice on that occasion had it not turned out that Mary really liked to shoot. Mary is not just a good trained shot; she is the real thing, an Annie Oakley. She tried to teach me, but it can't be taught, not that sort of shooting.
I asked why she carried more than one gun. "You might need more than one," she told me. "Here-take my gun away from me."
I went through the motions of a standing, face-to-face disarm, bare hands against gun. She avoided it easily and said sharply, "What are you doing? Disarming me, or asking me to dance? Make it good."
So I made it good. I'll never be a match-medal shot but I stood at the top of my class in barroom. If she had not given in to it, I would have broken her wrist.
I had her gun. Then I realized that a second gun was pressing against my belly button. It was a lady's social gun, but perfectly capable of making two dozen widows without recharging. I looked down, saw that the safety was off, and knew that my beautiful bride had only to tense one muscle to burn a hole through me. Not a wide one, but sufficient.
The Puppet Masters Page 18