by Dyble, S R
Once we were finished eating, Kit cleaned the table and I thanked him. He was an amazing cook. Once he returned we lounged there, Kit with his beer and me with a glass of orange juice that he'd made for me. I sipped at it nervously, wondering how I'd start.
I think he knew I was going to talk about this because he eyed me as if he was telling me it was okay.
"So, Jerry told me I should talk to someone about this that would understand."
"He's a smart man."
I nodded and thought about where I should start. After what felt like forever, I finally took a breath and stared at the table, tracing the indentations with my finger.
"They told me I couldn't remember the faces because the acts that they'd committed were so unforgivable and traumatic," I started, remembering the first-ever shrink I'd ever seen. "That my mind had blocked them out."
Kit nodded.
"They made me watch it all," I said then, not allowing my voice to break.
"They made me watch everything, like it was a sport to them," I repeated.
I was expecting myself to become more emotional but I didn't because I knew I had to say this. I knew I had to be strong. I knew Kit wanted to comfort me, but he kept still, knowing I had to get all of this out. Or at least try to make a start.
"When I think about it really hard, the more I remember them. I can almost see their faces in my head."
I bit my teeth together hard, hatred filling my being.
"I hope they all died for what they did. For the pain and fear they inflicted—"
"They did," Kit cut me off and I stared at him.
I knew then that he had personally played a part in that.
"Even at the last second," I took a deep breath trying not to cry but it was no use.
"Even at the last second, when he knew he was going to be killed—" I choked and Kit began standing up, only for me to tell him to sit down.
"Maybe this isn't the right thing to do," he pleaded.
"No," I said, "he told me that I need to say it out loud, that it would help. Like you wanted?" I eyed him and he nodded.
"Even at the last minute, my Dad gave me reassurance through his eyes that everything would be okay."
I closed my eyes, trying to handle the image in my head and I felt Kit's hand on mine. I opened them to see his arm outstretched across the table to hold my hand.
"I've never felt that reassurance again. Not until I met you."
I could see the love in his eyes as he nodded and caressed my hand some more. It gave me the strength to carry on.
"I had this barrier in my head, that portrayed through my body. A barrier to keep people out because the pain I felt was so soul-destroying that It wiped me clean. Like, literally, once they were gone I didn't know who I was anymore. Without them here I was just blank, as if somehow, being taken with them would have made more sense. For a long time, that's what I thought. That everything would have just been easier if I went with them too. If you hadn't saved me."
"You can't honestly believe that, Eves."
"Once they were gone, I did a lot of stupid things. I made my grandparents life a nightmare, after the loss they'd already been dealt. I hated myself for living when they'd been taken, so I took it out on myself whilst shutting everyone out. I drank. One time so much that I drank myself into the hospital and…" I couldn't finish the sentence.
"I know," Kit answered and I frowned at him in question.
"Before we take on a case, we have to research the person first. For my mission, in particular, I had to know as much about you as possible to try and snake my way in. I would make it my job to extensively research the person. That's how I knew you didn't drink. That day at your Aunt's wedding when I said about you not drinking, I could have blown my damn cover sooner saying stupid things like that. I just forgot half the time that I was on a mission. You frazzled my mind, to say the least."
"I'm guessing that's a good thing?" I asked as he took a drink.
His eyebrows raised. "I like to think so," he winked.
I blushed and looked away at our hands still connected on the table. I began tracing my finger inside his palm and I could feel his eyes watching me intensely.
"Carry on, Eves," he said and I nodded.
"After that, I swore I'd never put my grandparents through anything like that again. It made me hate myself more and that hatred filled my mind, turning into hatred towards everyone around me. I'd watch people living happily and I'd detest them for it. It made me feel horrible, at least inside. On the outside, I remained quiet and reserved."
He nodded, clenching my hand back within his.
"You have no idea how meeting you brought me out of my shell."
"You're welcome," he grinned and it made me smile.
"Don't get ahead of yourself, you are also the reason why many times I wished I could go back to being that girl so that it wouldn't hurt knowing you."
"I know," he said, full of regret. "That pain is a clear reminder of the love though, Eves. It may hurt sometimes but you can't just block it out. I realised that when I started falling for you."
I nodded, enjoying the sensation his thumb was creating against my hand.
"Is there anything else you need to say?" he asked and I nodded, knowing I'd need to address something else. He knew it too.
"You probably know by now that Ralph still bothers me."
He nodded, looking angry trying to contain it.
"So much so that my old nightmares are now fifty-fifty with new nightmares all based around Ralph. I've seen his face on random people, and I'm terrified it's all going to happen again."
"It doesn't help that you're never put at ease, you're always fearful that it will happen again because you've never been told otherwise."
"That doesn't mean I want you to lie to me though—tell me that everything is fine when it's not."
He just nodded which made me frown.
"You still haven't spoken a lot about the night your parents and brother were murdered."
"I'm still trying to avoid it at all cost. Does really remembering every little detail help? How can it?"
"I don't know. But it helped me."
"You spoke to Jerry about the times you were abused?"
He nodded, "And like you, I thought it was all a crock of shit. That I could deal with it myself. I never did thank your dad for hiring Jerry for me. I know even now, Jerry helps the guys at Delta more than he could ever know."
I smiled. "I'm sure my dad knew how grateful you were to him."
I sat silent for a while after, trying to push past walls I'd created in my head to the one place I never wished to revisit.
"My brother," I barely said the words before I started to break down.
"My brother was crying." I wiped at my face. "It was the first time I'd ever seen him crying and he'd managed to pull the gag from his mouth."
I closed my eyes, remembering what he'd said to me.
"Stay strong, Eves. I love you."
I had to swallow a hard lump in my throat as I shifted in my seat.
"Eves," Kit said from across the table and I looked at him.
“I couldn't watch them being shot.” I began crying again as guilt riddled my body. “I looked away like a coward.”
Despite how much I was crying, I couldn't stop myself from thinking. From feeling. Like a locked vault had just been open, my emotions had devoured all of my memories, bringing everything to the forefront of my mind.
“I can still hear those three gunshots ringing in my ears. The screams… Then seeing their bodies on the floor. Blood… There was so much blood and they just dragged them away like they were nothing.”
I shifted in my seat, sobbing and feeling sick from the horrific memories in my head.
“Jesus, Eves, you were never a coward. The ones that murdered your family, they were cowards. Look at me, do you understand that?”
I did my best to look at him through my blurred vision, from what I could see, Kit's e
yes were glazed and I sniffled whilst wiping at my face.
"They’d thank you for saving me," I said nodding. "My brother wanted me to live and so did my parents. Instead of living for them I did the opposite and I hate myself for it."
"Baby, you were just grieving. How could you expect anything else from yourself after what you’d been through?"
I nodded, still feeling the guilt nonetheless.
"I never have thanked you," I said then once I managed to compose myself. I saw Kit wiping his eyes, but couldn't see him crying, not properly anyway. I knew he was tough, but after everything I'd said I knew it had pained him deeply too.
"For saving me," I added.
"Eves, you don't have to."
Kit got up then, without my say so, and once he was around the table and at my side he pulled my chair back with me still on it and he reached down to kiss me. He reached down to pick me up then placed me down on the table so that I could be closer to him.
"I love you," he breathed and I could feel the need pushing his words.
"I love you too," I said before holding my head against his chest.
I wrapped my arms around him, feeling safe and loved in his arms. It was the most healing feeling, being wrapped in his hold. We remained like that for a long time. Kit just held me, and I needed that.
It allowed all of the thoughts and feelings of being scared to be replaced with the safety he always gave from being within his arms. When I eventually pulled my head away to look up at him, my eyes were radiating the love I felt for him. Then he gently pressed his lips to mine and I brought my hand around the back of his head, my fingers threading through his hair. Kit kissed my nose then and I wrapped my arms around him again, bringing my face back into his chest.
"I feel like you've saved me," I said looking up at him. "I don't mean by saving me that night. I mean, I don't know where I'd be now without you. Still stuck in my dark cloud alone, I reckon. Despite the hurt and upset you've caused, I don't regret it at all."
He nodded, looking choked up still.
"I feel like you saved me too,” he agreed. “Before you came along all I did was kid myself. I didn't realise that this is what I wanted all along."
"You promise?" I asked, feeling self-doubt.
"I promise. I love you more than I could ever express, I never wanna be without you."
After that, we settled together on the sofa. Watching Netflix and snuggling into his side seemed like the perfect end to our night, even despite everything we’d had to discuss and how blotchy my face probably looked.
* * *
After our heart-to-heart we'd had time to settle down from the upset, to be positive in having each other. Kit kissed against my stomach, staring up at him and just connecting on a level which meant neither of us had to speak. Before too long, gentle kisses turned into heated ones, and soft touches turned into our clothes being ripped off until Kit's bedroom door slammed open as he pushed us against it, allowing for us to almost fall into his room. I laughed as Kit fell back onto his back and I landed on top of him, careful not to land on my stomach. He grinned looking carefree and I loved when he looked at me like that. Bringing his lips up to mine and leaning over him, I stared into his eyes and brushed the strands of his hair to one side. Lifting his hand, he ran his fingers through my hair and used it to direct my head to his. We kissed for only a second when I got up and he bobbed his head to the side in question. What I was about to attempt required great confidence. Something I was sure I didn't possess. Despite that, whilst Kit laid there on his front, watching me walk away, I threaded my fingers into the band of my jeans and lowered them slowly down my legs.
"Look at you," he commented, positioning himself even better to have a better view.
Bending down gave Kit a direct view of my arse bent before him and I glanced at him as I stood up straight. My knickers were next, and I thought I was doing a pretty good job at this. Kit stared from where he laid on the floor and his eyes connected with mine when I looked at him from over my shoulder.
"You're gonna kill me, Eves," he said watching my fingers now threaded into my knickers as I slowly brought them over my behind. He got up, just like I thought he would and made his way over to me to caress my behind. I lifted my top off shortly after and closed my eyes, enjoying his kisses against my bare shoulder. I think he was expecting me to turn around. Instead, I took his hand and led him over to the bed, taking control of what was about to happen. I knew I was confusing him but once I climbed onto the bed and bent over I stared around at him as he caressed my arse, waiting.
"You serious? You want doggy?" he grinned, looking so excited.
I was so hot and needy that I wanted this with him. I wanted to please him so I nodded. It didn't take Kit long to get undressed. I smiled as he pulled his top off and then undid his jeans before coming closer again, fully naked.
"I can't believe this is happening," he said holding onto my arse.
"You ready?" I asked.
"Since the first time I saw you in those damn tight jeans, baby," he breathed positioning himself.
I felt him ready to thrust into me but instead, he took it slow, gently filling me and holding onto me. I heard him breathing deeply, enjoying the feeling and I closed my eyes as my body adjusted. It felt good, it felt really good. So much so that the anticipation of his pending moves made me push back against him.
"Woah, gentle baby, you don't want me to hurt you."
I bit onto my lip as Kit gently started to move backwards and forwards, using my arse as his control over my body. The more I listened to Kit's breathing and his silent groans, the more I enjoyed it until I began feeling thirsty for more. I moaned and gripped onto the bedsheets in front of me.
"You like that?" Kit asked and I hummed in response.
All I could do was moan in response to his enticing questions, and it stayed like that until Kit gripped onto me tighter and told me he was about to come. Hearing the words sent my insides into a frenzy until we eventually came shortly after each other. I collapsed onto the bed, and rolling onto my back I breathed hard as Kit joined me. I stared at him, feeling accomplished that I'd lead the whole thing.
"You. Are. Amazing," Kit said, breathlessly looking at me.
"You're welcome," I grinned and leaned over him to kiss him. I got up, feeling proud and giddy at the same time. He rested on his elbows and watched me. I disappeared into the bathroom and came back shortly after in search of my knickers to get into bed. Now, it was my turn to watch him. Kit did the same as me, then came back for his boxers. I laid in the bed, pulling the duvet over myself and he nuzzled his nose into my neck making me giggle as I gripped onto his shoulders.
"I love you," I said smiling at him.
He said it back before bringing his face to mine to kiss me, then I pulled him into bed with me so we could enjoy the true meaning of spooning.
Waking up alone wasn't something I was used to since we'd been practically living together. The only reason I'd woken up was because of the nightmare I'd had and as I expected, Kit wasn't beside me. As of late, Kit never left the bed without me but today he wasn't even in the house. He'd left me a note to say he'd gone jogging and I wondered if he had something on his mind that he needed to clear. Especially after the conversation we'd had the night before. Instead of allowing myself to worry about it too long, I made breakfast and flipped open the Mac on the kitchen counter. First, I called Lilly through Skype and as I made cereal she spoke to me from her kitchen table where she already had her breakfast and was sorting her appointments out for the day. After explaining to her where Kit had gone I looked around the bare kitchen, noticing that yet again Kit's brothers weren't here either.
"Do you think something is going on?" Lilly said from the Mac and I stared at her.
"I'm trying not to," I answered honestly.
This trying not to worry thing was proving almost impossible.
"Honestly, Eves, I wouldn't worry yourself. It's probably nothing."
&n
bsp; I nodded, adjusting something on the counter. We'd already talked briefly on the phone about my short conversation with Jerry, but now that we were both alone I began explaining everything to Lilly whilst she placed her work to one side to listen. As usual, Lilly was alone too. She practically lived alone with her parents constantly gone for work.
"How has his advice gone so far?" she asked and I smirked.
"What?" she eyed me.
"It went well last night… I opened up to Kit, we allowed time to absorb everything then ended nicely with me being bent over his bed.”
"You dirty sod!" Lilly grinned before placing a mouthful of cereal into her mouth. "I can't even talk about sex right now, I am beyond my vibrator even being remotely useful. Need to upgrade, I reckon."
I full on snorted, thankful that I didn't have food in my mouth.
"Have you spoken with your grandparents recently?"
I shook my head. "I was gonna call them after you."
Nodding, Lilly took her last mouthful of food.
"I'm gonna get going to my first appointment, I'll talk to you later, okay?"
I nodded, waiting for her to leave.
"Love you, babes," she said before cutting the conversation. I smiled at the screen before taking my phone and ringing my grandparents.
"Hey honey," my grandad answered, which was an unusual thing.
"Hey Gramps," I smiled hearing his wonderful voice.
"How are things? You moved in yet?"
I frowned and looked around the room before realising he was only joking.
"Wait, Eves?"
"Yeah?" I answered too quickly.
"Have you moved in with Kit?"
I heard my grandma making a commotion around the phone and shortly after she made herself known.
"What's this, you've moved in together?" she asked.
"Hey Gram… And no, well erm… Not yet," I answered honestly and silence loomed.
"I was waiting for you both to get back to talk to you about it."
"Talk to us about it?" I heard my grandad ask.
Suddenly his voice became very loud and I suspected it was because he'd taken the phone back to his mouth.