by Cassie Mae
They all hate me now. But I’m not mad. They have every right to hate me.
“Zak?”
“Hmm?”
“Why don’t you hate me?”
“What?”
I thought my eyes were dry, but they’re not. Another wave of tears piles up behind them. “Why don’t you hate me like everyone else does? I was even worse to you than I was to them, and you still… I mean, you’re sitting here holding me. Why?”
He doesn’t answer. He swipes away a single tear on my cheek with his forefinger and smirks, but still says nothing. Does he not have a reason? Or can he not find one?
“Why?” I ask again, blinking more tears out like crazy and shaking my head at my knees. “Why? Why? Why?” I slap my hands over my face and mumble into them. “I don’t deserve it. You. Your friendship. Your—”
“Are your parents home?”
That’s what he has to say? Where’s Mr. Sensitivity?
“No. They’re always working, you know that.”
“Just wanted to be sure,” he says as he stands. He extends his hand out to me.
“Where are we going?”
I set my hand in his and he pulls me up.
“I’m answering your question.”
Now I’m the one who’s not saying anything as he tugs me inside, straight up to my room. When we get there, he gently sits me on the bed.
Holy Obi-Wan Kenobi, what is going through his brain? And please don’t let him see the birth control on my nightstand.
He goes to my shelf, the carefully constructed one hiding all my nerdy literature. Smiling, he slides the door open and grabs the heavy X-Men book. Is he telepathic or something? Because how the hell did he know what was hidden on that shelf?
“What are you doing?” I ask, ready to slam my bedroom door shut.
“Slide over.”
I do, still giving him the crazy confused and probably really stupid-looking stare. He grins as he sits next to me, then tosses the comforter over our heads.
“Zak?”
The flashlight brightens his face before it lands on the book sitting between us.
“I know you think I didn’t know,” he says, flipping through the pages and opening it to the middle of the book where there is a collage of all the X-Men, “but sometimes, you forget to shut your blinds.”
I’m only a little bit embarrassed, but mostly I can’t help but be totally flushed because I’m under the blankets with him and his very sexy scent.
“Zo, I don’t think I could ever hate you. You hurt me, but whenever I saw you grab one of those books and duck under here, I knew you were probably hurting too, and I’d let it go.”
Whoa. “Just like that?”
He snickers. “I guess I make it sound easier than it was. But yeah, I’d let it go because I knew it wasn’t the girl at school under this blanket. It was my friend.” He grabs my hand and plays with my fingers. Yeah, I like that a lot. It makes my arm grow goose bumps. “Does that answer your question?”
I’m ready to kiss the crap out of him. This is the sweetest thing in the whole entire freaking world! But instead I sigh and nod. He doesn’t hate me, which is amazing and more than I deserve, but everyone else wants me to run straight to the hell Popular Zoe originated from.
“What if I can’t do this? What if I chicken out and go back to being the total bitch I’ve been since we started high school?”
“Do you plan on doing that?”
I shake my head, lifting my shoulders a tad. “I have no idea what to expect anymore.”
It’s getting a little uncomfortable under here. Not the conversation, that part is totally fine, but it’s hot. I’m still wearing my jacket, but I don’t know if I want to take it off. I’ve been successful at hiding the nerdy attire underneath it all day so far.
He takes in a huge breath and lets it out of his mouth. My face gets covered with the smell of peppermint. It’s super delicious. I wish I wasn’t sweating a river.
“Why the X-Men?” he asks tugging the sleeve of my jacket. Okay, so now I know I’m obviously showing how hot I am. Or his super power is mind reading. Maybe he is telepathic.
“What?”
“Why this book?” He pulls the jacket off my shoulder, running his hand across my shoulder blades. I have to slurp back the drool piling in my mouth. “Why not the sisterhood of the what’s-it pants book? Or The Notebook? Or a book at all? Why read this book?”
My jacket’s off all the way now, and he runs the flashlight across my back, tracing patterns. I know he asked me something, but all I can think about is how amazing that feels.
“Zo?”
I shake my head clear and stare at the book. It’s dark with the flashlight now being run around my back, but I’ve memorized the picture. Why do I like this?
“’Cause it’s frakking awesome.”
He chuckles. “Why?”
“Zak…”
“Humor me.”
Gosh, I’d do anything for him right now. Even talk nerd with him.
“I dunno. I guess ’cause they are all totally hated for being different and still they fight to save the people who hate them, and that’s pretty heroic.” I pause before adding, “And they are all super badass!”
Zak barks out laughing, pausing the movement of the flashlight for a second. “Who’s your favorite?”
“You know who my favorite is.” I poke him in the chest. “You’re wearing his shirt.”
“Gambit?” he asks as he pulls the bottom of his shirt straight with his free hand.
“For real!” I flip to Gambit’s page in the book. I can’t see worth crap, but I know where it is. “I mean, look at him. Out of all the things he could use to charge and explode, he picks a deck of cards. I love it!”
“Hell yeah! That’s why I like him too.”
We keep laughing while he continues to play with my fingers with one hand and rubbing my back with the other.
“Why did you ask me that?” I ask after a few minutes.
“Well,” he says, glancing behind me, “I wanted to let you know you can talk about this stuff with me. You don’t have to hide it.” The light clicks off, but it’s not dark. My Green Lantern design on the back of my T-shirt lights up the space under the comforter. Is that what he was doing back there? Gosh, I’m so stupid. I should’ve picked up on that.
“How’d you know what shirt I had on?” I smile.
“I have the same one, silly girl.”
Oh, that’s right. I guess it’s not the most subtle green. I slip my hands inside my sleeves and move the shirt around so I’m wearing it backwards, but it’s brighter under the covers now.
“You don’t think I’m a major dork for wearing this to school?”
He laughs and pulls me into his side. “I actually think it’s way, uh, s-sexy.”
Sexy? Did not expect that one. But then I think about him in his Gambit shirt, his blue plaid over it, his holey jeans and damn it, he’s beyond sexy.
“Just wait till I start speaking Elvish.”
He tucks my face between his palms and laughs. His eyes are so bright, something I haven’t seen from him in a long time. Like he’s super duper freaking happy. He’s still chuckling when he says, “I’ve missed you.”
Gah! He had to say that, didn’t he? I lean in to kiss those darn beautiful lips, but stop myself. I’ve made this mistake twice before due to my horrible timing with this sort of thing. And it’s…I mean it can’t be right kissing him because I haven’t proven anything. Only that I’m still that self-conscious girl who can’t handle being made fun of. Even worse, I’m ready to go back to being the total popular beast because it’s seems like the easy way out at this point.
Okay, so maybe that’s not entirely true. Being popular isn’t easy when you have to hide who you really are.
My eyes start filling up again, and Zak’s mouth pops open.
“Hey, I-I didn’t mean… I’m sorry if that was the wrong thing to say.”
I shak
e my head. “It wasn’t.”
“Then why are you crying?”
Because I’m so messed up. Because I’m tired of hiding, but I’m afraid of losing everything and everyone if I’m myself. Because I’ve been a horrible person and I can’t expect to change overnight. Because I want to kiss Zak but I can’t make that mistake again. Because I feel horrible for making that mistake in the first place.
I toss the comforter off our heads and take a deep breath. “I’m sorry for kissing you.” Yes, this is what comes out my mouth. And now on top of being a complete wreck, I’m embarrassed too.
“What?”
My cheeks blow up, and I shut my eyes tight. I let the air out in little wisps before answering him. “I don’t know why I did.”
His face puckers and his mouth opens, but either he doesn’t know what to say or he’s lost his voice because no sound comes out.
Gulp. “I guess I didn’t know how to make you feel better. Or I was totally reading things wrong. I mean, I know I was, but I-I didn’t like the way you were looking. Like, you were really hurt, and I wanted to take that away from you. But I went about it the wrong way, and I’m super super sorry. I wish I could take it back, or you’d forget it happened.”
Oh man alive, would he say something! The silence is so much worse after I spew everything out there. Makes me feel like, yeah, he totally wishes I didn’t—
“I don’t.”
“Huh?”
“I don’t want to forget.”
What is that pounding? Is it my heart beating a million light-years a freaking nanosecond?
“Um, why not?”
He laughs and tosses his hands in the air. “Sweet Jedis, Zo, I had no idea how you felt about me until you kissed me. I was still under the impression I was only Dorky Driving Instructor to you.”
“Really?”
“Well, yeah.”
My head goes on rewind. I thought I’d been so transparent. “You really didn’t see me get all flustered whenever you held my hand over the shifter? Or when you were in the shower with me? Or when you pulled that giant sliver out of my leg?”
His face gets redder and redder the more I spout off examples.
“I-I thought maybe you felt something… but then you called me a stalker, and I sort of—”
“Sort of what?”
“Believed you.” He drops his eyes and starts picking at a hole in his jeans. “Zo, I’ve been thinking about you non-stop since that first kiss you gave me. Back when we were still friends and stuff. You remember?”
Hell yes I remember.
“Yeah.”
“So when you called me a pathetic geeky stalker, I believed you.”
Oh crap. That was so not one of my finer moments, and I still feel horrible about it. But what can I say to make it better? A weak-ass apology doesn’t seem to cut it anymore, but I’ll give it a shot.
“Zak, I—”
“I know you’re sorry, and you didn’t really mean it. I know that now. Because you kissed me.”
Whoa. Maybe I have better timing with the whole kissing thing than I thought.
“Okay, so why did you stop it?”
“You mean, why did I let you fall flat on your ass?”
I laugh and nudge him in the arm. “It didn’t hurt that bad. I mean, the rejection hurt worse than the big bruise on my butt cheek.”
He chuckles and keeps picking at that hole in his jeans. “You know why I stopped it. I was afraid of getting close to you, only to lose you again.” He shakes his head. “That and you were still a little groggy from that party.”
Yikes! I hope he doesn’t think I kissed him because I was still drunk or something.
“You gave me another chance, though. Why?” I shrug away from him and stand up, crossing my arms across my waist. “I still don’t get it. So what if you saw me reading comic books under my blanket? It doesn’t make up for all the crap I’ve pulled. Gosh, Zak, I’m a horrible person. Why the heck do you want to be my friend?”
He jumps off the bed and wraps his arms around me. Then he gulps like he reacted way too fast, so I cuddle into him, letting him know he’s totally okay to hug me.
His chest relaxes under my cheek. “You will always be my friend.” He tilts my face up, those darn black eyes pulling me under. “I know who you really are, and I like it. I wish you felt the same way about yourself.”
I do think I’m pretty cool in the dorkiest way possible. It’s everyone else who will think I’m lame to the umpteenth degree.
Except him. This guy standing here telling me he likes me for who I really am. Who called me sexy for wearing a Green Lantern shirt and talking X-Men under my comforter. Who’s given me way more chances than I deserve to be the friend and person I know—and he knows—I can be. Butterflies don’t even begin to describe what’s going on in my stomach.
The goofiest of grins plasters on my lips. “So, you didn’t stop kissing me because you don’t feel that way about me, right?”
He chuckles. “Didn’t you notice how flustered I got? How weak I am when it comes to you? Dammit, Zo, you’ve got me.” He pauses, pressing his forehead against mine. I’m pretty sure I’m not breathing. “If you want me.”
How could I not want him? He’s all I’ve wanted since forever.
I pull him into a tighter hug, kissing his earlobe before I whisper to him. “Nin ore lin.”
He laughs and pulls back to peck me on the forehead.
“You have my heart too.”
Chapter 28
Maybe she’s not the devil.
It’s two in the morning and I’m still wired. There’s no way I’m getting any freaking sleep tonight.
Reason one: Dad’s still not home even though he said he’d be. Darn father. At least he’s texting me, which is super cute, by the way. His fingers are too big for the autocorrect so he sends some hilarious unintentional messages, but the last one he got right.
i’ll be home soon sweetheart just washing up GO TO SLEEP
PS, he doesn’t know how to use punctuation, but his caps lock works just fine. Maybe my dorkiness does come from my daddy.
Reason two: I keep playing the afternoon with drool-worthy potential boyfriend on repeat. Over and over and over. My back tingles from reliving the flashlight being dragged across it. I will wear a glow-in-the-dark shirt every day for the rest of my nerdy life if he does that every time I do.
And is it wrong for me to think he’s so perfect? I mean, that’s usually off-putting, right? But he is so geeky perfect for me, it’s not even funny. Why does no one else see this about him? I’m not complaining because that means I get him to myself, but really, what is wrong with the girls in my high school? It’s a sad day when only Ariana can see how freaking hot and amazing the boy is.
Or maybe they all have a secret crush on him but are too afraid to tell anyone because of his reputation. Um, like me.
Reason three: I hate to admit it, but I’m effing terrified of going to school tomorrow… or I guess in a few hours now. I’m not sure who to hang out with, or how to act. On the one hand, tomorrow I have classes with Hope, and I’m sure she’d be totally cool with whatever. She did say she had my back no matter what. I really hope she meant that.
Then on the other hand I want to hang out with Zak and his friends. They really are more my group of people. But they’ll all be shooting fiery arrows at me with their eyes.
And I know it’s super lame to keep thinking this, but I don’t want to be laughed at. Thinking about everyone’s face when they see what I plan on wearing makes my heart stop beating for a few seconds.
Yeesh, can’t think about that anymore. I’d rather think about kissing Zak again. I’m surprised he didn’t kiss me earlier. We totally had the sexual tension thing going on, but I was too chicken to go for it and then get another rejection, despite all he was saying. And he never dove in. Whether that was because he was chicken too or he didn’t want to is something I’ll never know. But it makes me all the more self-consci
ous.
Something creaks outside my door and zaps me from all my jumbled thoughts. Oh good, Dad’s home. It’s about time.
I hop out of bed and slowly open the door.
Huh. The hallway by Mom and Dad’s room is empty. Weird.
“Hey.”
I jump back with a “Holy Batman!” and trip over my rug on the floor, landing square on my already bruised butt.
“Sorry,” Sierra says, stifling a laugh as she helps me back up, “I didn’t mean to scare you. I thought you saw me.”
“I thought Dad was home.” I straighten my PJ top. “What are you doing awake?”
She shrugs. “Can’t sleep.”
“Me neither.” If she didn’t sound so sad, I probably would’ve told her to go back to bed. But I can’t because despite our not-so-sisterly relationship, I still want to make sure she’s okay. “Wanna talk about it?”
She shrugs again, but her eyes flick to mine, totally saying yes. I smile and climb under the sheets, patting the place next to me.
I can count the sister bonding moments I’ve had on one hand… on one finger actually. But still, she looks like she needs someone to talk to, and I’m wide awake anyway.
“What’s up?” I ask as she slides in next to me.
She nibbles her bottom lip and looks at her fingers. “A-are you okay?”
“Huh?”
She sighs. “Zoe, you were crying for almost two hours out on the porch in our nerdy, yet totally sexy neighbor boy’s arms. Forgive me if I’m a little worried.”
“You’re worried about me?” I know I sound like a friggin’ idiot, but I’m in shock. The only time Sierra shows concern is when she wants something. And I had no idea she realized how super sexy Zak is.
“I’ve never seen you like that.”
“I’m fine.” I attempt a smile. “I didn’t mean to scare you. It was a tough day at school.”
“What happened?”
“Just utter humiliation.” We both laugh, and I link elbows with her. “But thanks for making sure I was okay.”
She nudges my shoulder, and we sit in silence for a minute. We hear Dad get home, but he goes straight to his room. The shower goes on, and I listen to the water run through the pipes, my eyes drooping.