“Oh, I know this game. Sick, Brooks.”
“Smart ass. Open your mouth.”
“Why?”
“So I can put something in it.”
Kennedy snorted, and he sighed impatiently.
“Will you just open your mouth?”
She cringed and hesitantly did as he asked, opening her mouth an inch at a time as she cowered on the couch. The smell of sugar wafted to her nose, and she stopped trying to lean away from Brooks. He slid the fork into her mouth, and the taste of red velvet cake, cherries, and chocolate icing teased her taste buds.
If her eyes hadn’t already been closed, she would have closed them and moaned in appreciation of the god who created something that tasted so good.
“More.” She opened her mouth without hesitation this time.
Brooks laughed and fed her another piece.
“This is heaven.” She sighed in true sugar bliss.
She heard him set the plate down and was about to open her eyes and protest when he stopped her.
“One more thing,” he said, and set what felt like the smaller dessert box in her lap. “Open.”
Kennedy opened her eyes and looked down at her lap and almost choked on the cake.
There, nestled in the little pink box, was a small white cake with the words With This Ring . . . in the middle and a ring tied onto a bow at the top.
Kennedy tried to swallow but her throat wouldn’t allow it, and she had to force herself not to throw up. Her hands started to shake, her ears started to ring, and she was sure she was about to have an anxiety attack.
When he saw what was happening, Brooks quickly took the box away from her and set it aside, instructing her to put her head between her legs and breathe.
She took large gulps of air, but it still felt like she was suffocating. Why would he do this? What made him think it was a good time to pull a ring out? Didn’t he realize they were barely hanging on by a thread and that marriage should be the furthest thing from his mind?
Hundreds of questions swarmed Kennedy’s head, making her feel dizzy and nauseous all at the same time.
This was her fault. If she had ended it like she was going to weeks ago, then he wouldn’t be sitting there with a cheesy proposal cake making her want to puke. She had led him to believe she was still in this thing, when really she had checked out weeks ago and just didn’t know how to tell him.
Like this is going to be less awkward now.
“This isn’t exactly how I pictured your reaction,” Brooks said next to her.
“I’m sorry,” she wheezed, unsure of what else to say.
“Kennedy?” He slowly pulled her into a sitting position and gave her a small smile. “I know this is unexpected.”
“What gave you that idea?”
He laughed nervously and reached for the ring off the bow. Kennedy eyed it like it was a poisonous snake and scooted back farther on the couch away from it.
“I know things haven’t been great between us, and that’s partly my fault,” he said, rolling the ring between his fingers. “I made you feel like you couldn’t depend on me or trust me to do something when I said I would. But I meant what I said when I told you I wanted to prove to you that I could be that man.
“This ring,” he said, reaching for her hand, “is my promise to do just that. We don’t have to get married tomorrow or next month or even next year. I just want you to know that I am committed to making this work and committed to you.” He slipped the ring on her finger, and if she hadn’t felt so numb, she would have snatched her hand away.
Kennedy stared at the diamond that made her hand feel like it had a hundred-pound weight tied to it.
“Brooks . . .”
“Kennedy, I know it’s startling by your reaction. But all I’m asking is for you to marry me one day. I want to prove to you that I can be everything that you need me to be for the rest of your life. So will you marry me . . . one day?”
Kennedy looked at his hopeful face and down at the ring, and felt like the walls were closing in on her. She jumped up and paced around the room, but it didn’t help. She needed to get out of the apartment.
“I need out.” She grabbed her keys and jacket off the table. “I need to go out.”
“Kennedy.” Brooks stood and tried to console her, but she held up her hands and backed away.
“No. I just . . . need some air, Brooks.”
“Well, let me go with you.”
“No! I need to be alone right now. I need to think. I need . . . air. I need some space.” She opened the door. “Stay if you want. You don’t have to leave,” she rambled. “Wait for me. I’ll be back.”
“Kennedy, I don’t like the idea of you going out alone right now!”
“I’ll be back.” She shut the door in his face before turning and bolting to the elevator.
Once inside her car, where she didn’t have to look at Brooks’s face or answer his questions, her head cleared, and she knew exactly where she wanted to be. She sped out of the parking lot and drove the short distance to his apartment.
She pressed the buzzer repeatedly, praying he was home, and only stopped when she heard his voice crackle through the speaker.
“It’s me,” she sobbed.
When Memphis opened the door, she instantly threw herself into his arms and kissed him. She didn’t want to think. She didn’t want to have to answer questions. She just wanted him to take her and make her forget everything but the two of them again.
Memphis backed into his apartment, kicking the door shut as he did. Kennedy only released her hold on him long enough to tear off her jacket and drop it to the floor. His knees hit the back of the couch, and he fell onto it, bringing Kennedy with him. It was only then that he broke the kiss and forced her to take a breath and slow down.
“What’s wrong?” he asked.
Kennedy shook her head and reached for his shirt.
“I don’t want to talk, Memphis. I just need you right now.”
“Kennedy, baby.” He grabbed her hands to stop her, and his palm scraped against the ring on her left hand. He looked down and then snapped his head back up, his eyes blazing with anger. “What the fuck is this?”
Kennedy bit her lip and shook her head as tears pooled in her eyes.
“It’s not what you think.”
“It’s a fucking engagement ring, Kennedy!”
“He . . . he asked, but I did—” She hiccupped, and the tears fell harder. “I didn’t say yes.”
“When did he ask you?”
“Tonight . . . a few minutes ago.”
Memphis pushed off the couch and strode across the room away from her.
“Memphis—”
“So he asks you to marry him, and instead of giving him an answer, you come here to hide and fuck me?”
“That’s not—”
“That’s exactly what you were doing!” he yelled.
Kennedy jumped. They had argued in the past, but he had never yelled at her like that before.
“Memphis.”
“What am I to you, Kennedy? Just some plan B in case things don’t work out with the successful doctor?”
“You know that’s not true,” she replied, shocked.
“Really? Because as far as I can tell, I’m only good enough to be with when you’re pissed off and fighting with him.”
“What the hell, Memphis?” Kennedy cried. “Do you not remember the day in the hospital when I told you I wanted to be with you and you practically pushed me back at Brooks with your excuses about not being able to give me what I wanted?”
“Oh, don’t give me that shit.” He waved off the comment and shook his head. “I didn’t push you at anyone. If you actually wanted to be with me, you had ample time to break up with Brooks. You never did. You’re keeping us both around in case it doesn’t work out with the other so you’re not alone.”
“That’s not true!”
“Oh, yeah?” Memphis sneered. “So why didn’t you tell him no
tonight, Kennedy? Why did you run away and come straight here? Why don’t you ever give either of us a real answer?”
“Oh, that’s big coming from you!” she yelled back. “You were the one who danced around ever telling me how you felt. You always avoided the question or changed the subject or did something that distracted me. You always want answers from me—expect me to open up and spill my guts—when you never give me anything in return! Why don’t you grow some balls, Memphis, and take your own damn advice!”
Kennedy stood from the couch and grabbed her keys off the floor where she had dropped them.
“I should grow some balls?” he countered. “What do you think you’ve being doing, Kennedy, running back and forth between Brooks and me? Telling me you want to have babies and make a family with me, and yet stringing Brooks along.”
“I was going to end it with him until you said what you did in the hospital.”
“See! So you won’t end it with him unless you know for sure you have someone else to fall back on? That’s pretty pathetic. Almost as pathetic as making a move on me when you’re pissed at him and then lying about it and saying it was never about him in the first place.”
“I explained that—what I told you was the truth!”
“Kennedy, admit it. You wouldn’t have asked me to kiss you that night if you hadn’t been drunk and mad at Brooks. If everything had gone the opposite way and he had shown up that night, nothing would have happened between us. You saw an opportunity and you went for it. You may have wanted me to kiss you, but it was all fueled by your hatred for Brooks in that moment.”
Kennedy stood there, speechless.
“Yeah.” Memphis nodded and turned his back on her. “That’s what I thought.”
“What about you?” she finally asked. “You told me you had ulterior motives for asking me to Alaska. What were they, Memphis? You never explain anything to me! You told me to forget it and that it didn’t matter. So what am I supposed to think? Why did you want me with you, Memphis? To stick it to Brooks by screwing his girlfriend? Well, nicely done. Bravo. You succeeded.”
Memphis slowly turned around. She was expecting him to glare at her, but the look on his face was so much worse. It was sad and disappointed mixed with hurt and betrayal.
“Do you want to know why I took you, Kennedy?” He sounded tired and defeated. “Do you remember that day in your kitchen after your show when you told me that not everyone was like me and could just turn off their emotions? You’ve never been more wrong about me when you said that. If that was true, and I could just walk away, turn off my emotions, and forget I felt anything for someone, I would have done it with you years ago.
“Do you remember that day in the park when I held your hand for the first time? If I had the ability to forget women—to not trust them and turn off my feelings—I would have known better and done it that day. That day, that gesture, changed my entire life in a second, and you never even realized it
“Things with you have never been simple, Kennedy, not since that day. If they were, then I wouldn’t be in love with you. That’s why I took you to Alaska, Kennedy. I took you because I fucking love you. I’ve been in love with you for twelve years now, and I wanted to somehow finally show you.”
The world stopped in that second and everything stilled. Kennedy stood there motionless. She opened and closed her mouth, willing words to come, but none did.
“I think I started to fall for you that first day on the beach,” he continued. “Why do you think I decided that nothing could ever happen between us? You were the only good thing in my life, and I didn’t want to fuck it up like everything else. And then just by simply taking your hand, I knew. You were it, and it terrifed me as much as it excited me.”
Kennedy stared at him as tears slowly rolled down her cheeks. He loved her. Memphis loved her, and he was actually telling her, not just hinting at it. Nothing else in the world mattered in that moment. She wanted to run to him, throw her arms around his neck, and never leave the safety of his embrace again. But the look on his face held her back.
He wasn’t looking at her like a man who was in love. There was no light in his eyes, no smile on his face, and his stance was cold, detached. There were no affectionate emotions left for her.
Memphis looked like a man who had given it his all and knew he had lost. Everything about him said he was done. He was through with her.
And that terrified Kennedy.
“Memphis . . . why didn’t you tell me?” she asked, her voice shaking. “You knew, you knew all along how I felt, and you never said one word to me.”
“I couldn’t tell you. Not back then, at least. I didn’t know how to deal with loving someone. I’ve never loved anyone; I don’t remember anyone really loving me.” He took a deep breath and let it out slowly before turning away from her and looking out the window. “I don’t remember my mom. She died when I was two, and after that I was bounced around from family member to family member on her side until there was no one left. No one knew what to do with me, how to handle me. I was always angry and in trouble. Finally, someone tracked down my dad and sent me off to live with him.
“He never knew about me, but he took me in. I think mainly because of the way it made him look by taking in the homeless boy rather than sending him away. He was in politics,” he explained, “so it wouldn’t look good if it got out about me. He was always too busy trying to build up his reputation to pay attention to the bastard son who showed up on his doorstep one day. His idea of showing love was throwing money at me and paying my way through school and buying me whatever the fuck I wanted. How do you learn to love from that?”
Kennedy’s breath caught on a sob as she listened to him open up about his past for the first time. It was a topic that he never shared—Memphis always danced around the subject whenever she asked, so his upbringing and parents had always been a mystery to her. She knew nothing of them. She had been curious and asked not too long after they had met, but the hard look of warning and curt, “It’s not something I talk about” told her to never ask again. And she hadn’t. Everything else about himself he shared with her; she respected there were things he had to keep to himself. Whether to protect old wounds or not cause new ones, she respected it.
“The only thing I knew was how to show a girl a good time and move on. That’s what my dad taught me. That’s all my dad taught me,” he continued. “Women were a means to an end to me and nothing more. I gave them what they wanted, and for a moment, I felt the affection I wanted but never had growing up. It wasn’t anything more than that moment to me, though. That was enough and I didn’t want anything more from any of them. And then I met you, and everything changed.
“Nothing that happened in Alaska happened the way it should have. I didn’t intend it to go that far, that fast,” he confessed, turning around to face her again. “I wanted to take my time and show you that I did love you.” He shook his head and scoffed as if the idea was ridiculous now that he thought about it. “And then you come at me pissed off and spew that shit about it always being about me, and I lost it. All those years of loving you, and wanting you . . . it shouldn’t have happened.”
“Memphis, I meant that. What I said about it always being you, I meant that.”
“If that were true, why are you still with Brooks?” he asked, looking at her with a woeful expression. “Why haven’t you broken up with him yet?”
Kennedy shook her head and wiped the tears off her cheeks.
“I couldn’t . . . I didn’t know how and then—”
“Don’t.” Memphis glared at her now. “Don’t give me that bullshit you couldn’t or didn’t know how or there was never a right time or that he begged you to give him a second chance. If you really wanted me, Kennedy, if I was who you really wanted to be with, you would have left him. Not kept us around to play second fiddle to each other.”
“That’s not what I was doing, Memphis.”
“Then what the fuck were you doing?” He threw
his hands in the air. “What the hell has all this been about, then?”
“I told you what I wanted in the hospital!” she told him again. “And you blew me off.”
“I didn’t blow you off. You’ve been so wishy-washy about this whole thing that I wanted to see what your reaction would be if I told you I couldn’t give you what Vanessa and Joe have. And you did exactly as I expected you to do,” he said. “You didn’t tell me that it would be okay and that you wanted me no matter what. You went back to Brooks because maybe he would be able to give you all that.”
“Brooks doesn’t want it, either,” she snapped. “He already told me that he’s not sure if he ever wants kids.”
Memphis laughed bitterly.
“So that’s why you asked if I did? Because second choice is better than first if he can give you what you want?”
“You’re not my second choice, Memphis!”
He nodded.
“You’re right. I’m not your choice at all. You’ve proved that over and over again since we got back. Did you ever consider that maybe I was waiting for you to make that move and break things off with him? That perhaps that was all I needed from you to give you everything you wanted? But you didn’t, and I’m tired of being your backup plan.” He snatched her jacket off the floor and thrust it at her. “Go. Marry Brooks. Live his life. But when this I’m-a-changed-man phase of his wears off and he’s back to ignoring you, hurting you, and disappointing you, you’ll have no one to blame but yourself and no one’s shoulder to cry on this time.”
She stared down at her coat in his hands and slowly reached out to take it from him.
“What do you mean? You’re not . . . Memphis, you’re not kicking me out, are you? I mean, you’re not leaving me?”
His eyes burned into hers when he said, “No. You left me.”
“You promised you would always be in my life! You said you’d support whatever decision I made!” she sobbed as tears ran down her cheeks and panic tightened her chest at his words.
“Whatever decision you made. You didn’t make this one. I did.”
“Memphis, please!” She grabbed onto his shirt and tried to keep him from moving. “I need you. You’re my best friend. You can’t just walk out of my life.”
Risking It All Page 26