by Tucker Shaw
anyway I didn’t screw up too bad. I just decided I would pretend it was like a rehearsal and just get everything right. I barely even noticed the crowd or anything like that. hey, I’d already seen enough crowds before, right? funny that sometimes the crowd can be like RIGHT THERE in your face and other times it’s like wallpaper in the background. tonight it was wallpaper.
anyway I was really trying not to fuck up, so I just paid attention to the other dancers and everything especially this one named Elena who’s really good. I mean, she’s not that good but her moves are really exaggerated and easy to follow and stuff. I mean, she IS good, but you know what I mean. whatever.
so meanwhile, even though I’ve danced behind her and even writhed around her leg once, I still haven’t really met Pashmina. well, sort of but not really. like after the whole entire show was over she came up to me with Bernie her big bodyguard dude and looked at me with this face packed FULL of makeup and gloss and glitter and shine and laminate and pencil and liner and lipstick and these lashes that actually made me want to stand back a couple of paces and she goes, “you’re K.K. right? I’ve heard about you. I’m not sure your outfit was working right tonight. see if they can refit you?”
I was about to go “it’s Kelly, actually” but Pashmina was already gone. so it’s gonna be like that. guess this diva isn’t looking for a best friend.
I wonder if she thinks I’m fat, like darla?
SlipKnotRules933111: dude whatsup
KellyKe1SoCal321: so much. you wouldn’t believe it. how was boot camp? how’s life without the twins
SlipKnotRules933111: actually I kind of miss them there’s not enough to hate around here at the moment. except just being here. Nature camp (not boot camp! Jeez!) was pretty cool. they kicked our asses but it was awesome being out there. we even saw a forest fire. I want to be a fire ranger now.
KellyKelSoCal321: no WAY! that is so COOL!
SlipKnotRules933111: have you seen that show More True Fire Ranger Disasters?
KellyKelSoCal321: no. should I?
SlipKnotRules933111: yes. it rules.
KellyKelSoCal321: when is it on
SlipKnotRules933111: I forget. say hi to darcy for me
KellyKelSoCal321: I can’t dude I don’t work for her anymore. I’m in Chicago with Pashmina.
SlipKnotRules933111: huh? Pashmina who? I think that show’s on Wednesday now that I think about it but it might be Thursday
KellyKelSoCal321: evan pay attention. I just found out we’re playing in san diego in a couple of days.
SlipKnotRules933111: you and darcy are coming to san diego?
KellyKelSoCal321: no, Pashmina
SlipKnotRules933111: huh?
KellyKelSoCal321: forget it. good night evan.
yeah it’s true. we’re playing the Junior Miss Teen United States pageant or something in San Diego Sunday night. I have to tell tito! he can make sure evan and mom come to the show.
THURSDAY AUGUST 1
THE BUS, 11:30 PM
Outfit: Pashmina with Love windbreaker, cutoff skate.shorts.
Fortune: Steady as she goes.
To: Tito_T
From: kaykay4real
Date: Thursday August 1
Time: 11:31 PM
Subject: The Pashmina Scene
First of all Pashmina’s bus is way nicer than Darcy’s. she has a steam shower and a king-size bed and two tvs and two refrigerators. half the bus is her closet and dressing room. it’s all animal prints and mirrors. mirrors everywhere actually. except I don’t get to ride on it. only hector her, um, “boyfriend” gets to stay on that one, at least when Pashmina’s not “hanging out” with another guy or something. or when hector is. last night we pulled over in the middle of the night so he could get off our bus and onto her bus. hector’s kinda like Pashmina’s fake boyfriend. except, um, how do I say this … hector’s not really into any of the girls here. he’s into the boys. at least I think so. I mean, all the boys seem to be into each other. in fact, everyone seems to be into everyone else here and I can’t figure out what’s going on. plus everyone bolts right after the show to go out to gay bars. even the girls go to the gay bars. I guess it’s because the music is better or something.
Second of all Pashmina’s dancers aren’t any nicer than darcy’s. I think that whole thing about dancers all being best friends and everything is a big load. there are total cliques and everyone’s competitive and harsh on each other and everything else. not to mention someone already stole my All-American rejects cd. or else I lost it. but I think someone stole it. third of all Pashmina isn’t the nicest kid on the block. well it’s not so much that. it’s just that all she does is work I guess and doesn’t hang that much. and when she does hang she just talks about herself. I feel bad for her she seems really really exhausted. and everyone thinks she’s so skanky.
I mean, I know I thought she was a skank before, but now I don’t know. she’s a strange one, but she’s kinda scared of her own shadow. and she’s no more skanky than half the girls we know at school. ok she wears way skankier outfits, especially onstage, and that’s pretty nasty, but she’s not like screwing every guy in sight to try and get them to like her. I guess she seems lonely or something. then again that might have to do with the fact that she can be such a raving BIOTCH. Especially when she doesn’t get her Arby’s Beef ’n Cheddar Deluxe and Mr. Pibb. anyway I’ve pretty much got the dances down for this show. but to be honest with you I’m not trying that hard. the dances aren’t that complex, and my heart isn’t in it. maybe it’s these clothes. have you seen how tacky they are? but like I say the dances are way easy compared to darcy’s. and no one’s there to see them anyway. they come to hear her SING, actually sing. and I gotta tell you her voice is really amazing. say whatever you want about her but that girl can WAIL! LOUD! and long! she is all about hitting those big huge notes and hanging on to them for like ever. the audience FREAKS! and it’s weird because she’s soooo small. like a size zero. except for her hair. if you can call it hers. ha ha.
I guess when you’re that small you feel like you gotta dress, like, harder or something. like this girl dresses like a straight-up HO sometimes. (voulez vous couchez avec moi?) she’s always making the stylists and everyone give her smaller, sexier, sluttier clothes. you’d think it would be all her handlers and whatever who are really pushing her that way … but the truth is she’d be in hot shorts and pasties if it were up to her. There’s something really cool about it though … it’s like she’s doing what she wants, you know? or more to the point, doing what sells. and say what you want, the girl is banking, fo’ rizzle.
no annoying stage mothers, at least not as far as I can tell. in fact, there’s hardly any evidence of Pashmina’s family at all. I think her parents were divorced and Pashmina grew up with her dad. I’m not sure what the story is with her mom, someone told me they barely know each other. people always whisper when they talk about Pashmina’s past. like it was a rough childhood or something.
there are all these industry people lingering around. They act like they want to be in the sopranos or something. like, total wannabe mobsters. some of them are cute. but they freak me out. it’s like the men in black but kinda rougher. and the thing is everyone seems really scared of Pashmina. like, the men in black at It’s Darcy!! were focused on being really protective of darcy. the crew at Pashmina with Love are more focused on not pissing her off. know what I mean.
oh yeah and there’s this whole contingent of department store queens flittering around her all the time spritzing her with essential oils and stuff. oh, did I mention Pashmina has a new cosmetics line called Wet.
the choreographer, Jilly, has been working me out pretty hard, but it’s cool I guess. I need to know the dances, right? and I know I need the money from this gig. look at me all “gig” like I’m a show business pro now. that’s me, Kelly Kimball, rock star. whatever. anyway I get no free time and neither does Jilly until I know everything. you can imagine how psyched jilly
is about that. whatever, she’s pretty cool. very intense. no jokes. I even tried to bust on darcy and Pashmina’s piercings and she wouldn’t bite at all. not even a smile. but she’s a good teacher. she moves fast, like I do. so am I having fun? I don’t know. they’re totally keeping me away from the press, which is good, because I heard that all these darcy fans are HATING me right now or something and I really wouldn’t know what to say about it anyway. like anyone has any clue what happened. freaks. but it is really really weird to know that all these people are like putting up websites about you, well not really about you because they don’t know you and they get the story messed up, all saying how much they hate you and everything it’s crazy. like, could they please get a life? but it’s like you can’t fight back because you don’t even know who to talk to. so whatever I’m just going from van to hotel to bus to van to venue to hotel to van to studio to wherever.
it’s cool since we’re going to all the cities I’ve already been to this summer. the last show is in St. Louis, you know, Pashmina’s hometown. it’s not so good for my tan, though, being inside all the time, and Pashmina’s not feeling the whole side-by-side tanning session vibe. (what can I say I got used to having a natural glow!) she seems pretty, like, hard if you ask me. like, darcy seems like this showbiz kid who was kept young. Pashmina is this showbiz kid who was an adult before her time. there’s a real difference, know what I’m saying?
oh yeah and I’m riding on the dancers’ bus. in a bunk. a bottom bunk. under tywan. yes, that’s his name. he’s from Vancouver. (so far I’ve counted five buses. one of them got broken into in june so they’re all bulletproof now.) did I mention that for her second encore she sings, um, “Papa Can You Hear Me” by Barbra Streisand? it’s too weird.
no confirmation on any piercings. yet. but you know I’ll be keeping you posted. information appears to be forthcoming as Pashmina seems prone to dressing in zip-up hoodies with nothing underneath. Ew!
xo
Kel
FRIDAY AUGUST 2
INDIANAPOLIS (I THINK), 3:36 PM
Hair: have you ever tried to wash your hair on the bus?
Fortune: Some days are better than others. Some aren’t.
Pashmina handed this to me this morning in my hotel room:
SOUR GRAPES MAKE SOUR WINE
… Seems Darla Barnes, beloved mama-san of teen pop queen Darcy Barnes, has become more than just a nuisance to her baby girl’s biggest chart and tour rival, Pashmina and is threatening to sue the competing camp for creative copyright infringement. The meddling matriarch claims that when “Pashmina with Love” hired a backup dancer who’d just left “It’s Darcy,” the choreography took on more than just an incidental resemblance to Darcy’s.
Experts say Darla has no case, but it certainly adds more fuel to the “copycat” fire, which Pashmina especially despises. Insiders speculate Darla’s bizarre behavior could be sour grapes—after all, Pashmina’s show is the one that truly proved the pundits wrong and sold stronger than all predictions. $42 mil and counting, thank you very much.
oh man, I thought. I’m nowhere near Darla and she’s still talking about me.
Pashmina goes, all hard, This Darla woman. Can you turn her off?
I go, I wish I could, I’m sorry, I can’t believe this.
she goes, We don’t need these bad vibes here k.k. see what you can do about it.
I was like ok, I sure will. Pashmina turned around and left.
what could I possibly do about darla? nothing. and Pashmina was right … there are some real bad vibes following me around right now. but I don’t know what to do about it. bitch.
I crawled onto the middle of my king-size bed and closed my eyes. all I want to do here is dance.
I sat there, cross-legged, with my head in my hands. I wanted to call someone, but I didn’t know who to call. tito? evan? rashid? mom? would anyone understand?
I let my mind wander over my ever-more-confusing sitch and realized I’d started to hum. I closed my eyes and swayed back and forth slowly, imagining dad with a guitar, singing to me.
“All the leaves are brown / and the sky is gray …”
soon I was singing along with dad in my head, then I realized I was singing for real. eyes still closed, I started to turn up the volume. “Caaaalifornia dreamin’ …”
soon I was standing on the bed, belting out the melody. I guess I figured if I sang loud enough, I’d be able to block out all the other noise … darla, Pashmina, darcy, evan …
as I came off the second chorus, I realized I was hearing a harmony against my melody, and for a split second I was like wow I have a great voice! but then I realized I wasn’t alone.
I opened my eyes and there stood Pashmina, singing with me, with a big ol’ smile on her face.
I clamped my mouth shut. “hi” she goes. Hey I heard you out in the hallway and your door was open. you’re good. your voice is good with mine. she goes I need to figure out how to deal with the harmony in the bridge of “Girls Want It, Part 2” for when we do it at the pageant in San Diego. do me a favor, sing this …
she hummed a phrase, I mimicked her.
she goes, ok, again. this time I’ll come in with a harmony.
I did, and she did, and it sounded amazing. she had a big grin on her face.
Wow, she goes. That sounds good.
our eyes connected. there’s something about harmonizing with someone. it’s like your voice and their voice make a totally new voice that doesn’t belong to either one of you. very cool.
we locked eyes and did it one more time. was she really going to ask me to sing with her in san diego? I felt like I was off the hook for that whole darla situation.
suddenly her grin left her face. You’re good, she said, But I think I’ll sing along to a track of myself on Sunday. anyway, see you later at the show. and she left.
urn, ok.
KellyKelSoCal321: I got tickets for you and mom
SlipKnotRules933111: for what
KellyKelSoCal321: for the show in san diego on Sunday.
SlipKnotRules933111: what about tito?
KellyKelSoCal321: yeah him too. :-) that’s cute you thought of him.
KellyKelSoCal321: I’m not sure where the show is you have to look it up online ok? can you remember? Sunday night. the tickets will be at the box office or whatever waiting for you. I’ll email more info.
SlipKnotRules933111: k
KellyKelSoCal321: got all that?
KellyKelSoCal321: got all that?
SlipKnotRules933111: I’m not an idiot
KellyKelSoCal321: no you’re just a delinquent
SlipKnotRules933111: ha ha
KellyKelSoCal321: I’ll make sure u get passes backstage too. don’t forget to come back after the show. and don’t forget to tell tito, ok?
SUNDAY AUGUST 4
GRAND HOTEL
SAN DIEGO, 11:11 PM
(it is so weird to be in my hometown and be staying in a hotel.)
Outfit: black t-shirt bedazzled with 666 across the front.
Mood: big pimpin’ in san diego. yeah, right.
the Miss Teen United States show—we performed during the swimsuit competition—was sort of a bust. the acoustics SUCKED and everyone was off tempo. it was almost embarrassing. still Pashmina managed to pull out her voice and improvise and totally saved the show so we weren’t humiliated. in fact she came off looking brilliant. it was just the rest of us who bit. ugh whatever, I heard she has a heavy flow, so there. (I can be so juvenile in my head. love it.)
after the show I was hanging out backstage, changing, kind of watching out for evan and tito and mom. I changed my clothes, took off my makeup, washed my hands, put an avocado/jojoba/ragweed conditioner in my hair (I wanted to make tito proud), even read a couple of magazines waiting for them. the other dancers started to pack up and leave. pretty soon there was hardly anyone left around.
I read another magazine. there was this huge article with darcy barnes in it. she seriously g
oes, “It is so hard to keep friends in this business. You never know when people will turn on you.” I was like ugh whatEVER.
still no evan or tito or mom. where is everyone?! I was about to call tito’s mom (which he FORBIDS me to do) to find out what’s up when I hear tito screaming: “HEY DIVA!!”
I spun around and saw them walking toward me. I ran in their direction. I was like, “Hi omigod it’s sooo good to see you … yay you made it to the show!! I know I know the show totally sucked, I’m sorry …”
no one said anything.
then mom goes, baby it’s so good to see you I miss you there’s so much going on oh you look so great honey! and l’m so sorry blah blah.
I’m like sorry for what.
and she goes, “oh sweetie don’t you know we missed the show tonight. we thought it was starting later. I guess they tape it earlier than they show it or something I don’t know but we got here and the show’s over and I guess we had the wrong information.”
my shoulders slumped. I was like you missed the show?
all three of them nodded in unison.
tito was like “we’re sorry.”
I dropped my head. It’s ok, I said.
I guess I was used to mom missing my shows.
actually, no I wasn’t. I was pretty pissed but I kept quiet while mom kept talking
she goes, I’m so sorry baby. I love you so much, there’s just so much going on. carl is gone, we have to move in like the next 2 weeks. I just don’t know how we’re going to afford our own place. and evan’s school. Carl’s moving to LA, which is good because we can’t leave san diego and I’ve been temping and I’m applying to get back into teaching in the fall but it’s probably only going to be substitute for a year and I can’t believe I quit working to take care of that man’s kids I mean there were times that he really scared me, but … sweetie look at your hair it’s so cute and you look great I missed you so much. I don’t know what happened sweetie. I just got lost. I just didn’t want a second marriage to go bad. I know it’s not my fault, I don’t know. I don’t know. I’m sorry. I know you didn’t get along with them. honey look how skinny you are I miss you. what are we going to do about evan and his school?