He’s talking, but I can’t hear him over the ringing in my ear and the pounding behind my eyes is only making it worse. I wave a hand at him and manage to get back up to my knees. Blood drips from my ear onto the mat and my fingers come away smeared with it. Fucking great.
I get to my feet easy enough, growling at anyone that comes to try and help. Jack watches with narrowed eyes, his thunderous expression tells me that the time has come for us to have it out.
I stumble from the ring and head to the showers. Deciding that I’m not ready to talk after all, I do what I have become expertly good at over the last six months, avoid someone who used to be close to me. Close like a brother. He can fucking follow me if he wants to have this conversation.
He looks at me as he talks and his expression says he would love nothing more than to beat my ass. I nearly smile at him because I could use a good dust up.
It’s several hours later, that evening, when I answer the door with the twins screaming at the T.V. in the background. When I find Jack on the other side my back straightens.
My mom touches my shoulder to get my attention and I turn to see her at my elbow. “Jack!” she exclaims. “I haven’t seen you in forever. Why don’t you come in? I just made some tea.”
Jack smiles at her. “Thanks, Mrs. Hart, but I don’t have time to visit. I just needed to talk to Ben here for a minute.”
“You tell that sister of yours she needs to come see me one of these days.”
Like hell.
“Yes, ma’am.”
I join Jack outside in case he does decide to kick my ass. I bet Livvie spilled that we slept together out of pure spite. I turn to tell him that I don’t give a shit what he thinks, that we’re not together, but he beats me to the punch.
“You about done avoiding me? I’m starting to feel like some needy chick around you.”
I turn my attention out over the backyard and shrug. “Just had a lot of shit going on.”
He makes some clicking noise with his mouth before saying, “Right. What was that shit this afternoon? Even I know you shouldn’t be in the ring yet. What are you trying to do? Get yourself killed?”
I chuckle, though on the inside, the walls are starting to close in. “I already have an all-up-in-my-business- mother inside for this shit, Jack. Is there some reason you’re here?”
“Fine. I’ll cut to the chase. For the record, Liv doesn’t want me telling you a damn thing about this, but I’m sick of watching her try to do it on her own. I’ve given you time since you got back from Afghanistan and you’ve been fuckin’ dragging your feet.”
“Telling me what?”
He runs his hands through his hair and groans. “I know you think that Livvie slept with someone while you were deployed, but she didn’t. Not that it would matter if she did, because she didn’t promise you anything. Her baby is yours, man. You’d have to be a fucking idiot to think she’d be sleeping around.”
My mouth opens and closes, my brain tripping over itself. “Why didn’t she just tell me?”
Jack turns toward me, and with the look of rage he’s throwing my way, I’m positive he’s going to take a swing at me this time. “Because, you jackass, you come home and shit all over her, and then you’ve blown her off ever since.” He breathes a heavy sigh and steps closer to me. “I know shit’s been rough for you lately. I wanted to give you your space. But you’re not the only one battling demons. She barely survived Dad’s death or having a kid with a heart defect that almost killed him. She thought she could count on you. She held on to that shit. But she couldn’t. Why would she tell you?”
The air seizes in my chest. I remember the emails that I’d deleted in the hospital. The one that said she needed to talk to me. I remember her stunned expression the night I showed up on her doorstep. I remember the small bundle she held in her arms.
And then I remember all the other people I’d failed.
Disgust rolls in my gut. “I didn’t—”
Jack sneers. “No, I don’t want to hear it. The person who deserves your apology is my sister. Like I said, I know you went through some shit and I get that, but that doesn’t excuse you being a dick. Man up, Ben. Livvie will never admit it and she’ll probably never talk to me again for doing this, but she needs you. And if you can’t do that, she needs you to at least not be such a douche about it. I’m tired of seeing the two people I love the most in fucking shambles.”
And with that, he walks away from me and heads back into the house, leaving my world turned on its axis. I’m overcome with every emotion at once: anger, elation, shock. Olivia and I made a life, and I didn’t even know about it.
I’ve been stateside for six months now, without a clue that I have a son. I’d done my best to hide away from everyone in the months that I’d been back, only seeing my dad and family at the shop since I got back. I’ve barely been able to manage to keep going every day. To push myself out of bed every morning. To fight through the headaches, the nightmares, the struggles with my hearing loss. What could I possibly have to offer the life of another person? That of an infant, no less.
Olivia’s pained expression the night at her house plays in my head. I could throttle her for not telling me. She’d failed me. But, if I’m being honest, I’d failed her too. The list of people I’ve failed only seems to continue to grow.
CHAD TRENTON SURE is nice to look at. Short blonde hair, endless blue eyes. He has the southern boy charm shtick down to a work of art. We hadn’t been at the McCormick Lake potluck two minutes and we were already catching the attention of the people gathered on the beach.
He comes from a good family, doesn’t have any plans of running off to kill himself, and he sure seems to enjoy my company. The no-strings simplicity of our dates is what drew me to him. His parents own most of the farming land in Nassau, so he won’t be leaving the area any time soon. I’m comfortable with him. Even my son enjoys his presence. Then again, at seven months, Cole does little more than eat, play, and sleep. Even now, he’s tucked away at Melissa’s spare room next door, oblivious to the goings-on.
“Just remember I have to be out by eleven,” I tell Chad.
A flash of irritation crosses his face, but he replaces it with a sugar-sweet smile. “Of course, sweetheart.”
The night is cool, and I stop when we reach the beach to toe off my sandals. I hold them in one hand as we’re absorbed by the crowd. As it is with near everyone in the surrounding areas, I’ve known Chad for years. He and Jack went to school together, though I didn’t get to know him in truth until a few months ago. He is easygoing and handsome. I don’t want or need to be blown away by lust or fall madly in love. A simple relationship of comfort is all I could handle, especially with Cole now in the picture.
Thankfully, Chad seems to understand that so far.
Music is pulsing from one of the cars someone parked on the grassy knoll which borders the beach to the lake. A smooth, male voice drifts from it as I relax into one of the white plastic lawn chairs and listen to the chatter around me. Chad leaves soon after I’m settled to flit around the crowd, social butterfly that he is. He has a boundless supply of energy and has never seemed content just to sit and watch with me. No, the moment we get wherever we’re going, he’s off to engage someone in a game of beer pong or daring someone to strip and jump in the lake.
I set the baby monitor I’d brought from home on the table next to me so I can hear any stir from Cole. Through it, his soft murmurs comfort me. It was a good idea after all to let Chad drag me out here. I haven’t been out since before Cole was born, so it’s nice to just relax with people who can actually talk back to me. I’d forgotten what adult conversations were like. Especially if they’re not about work, hospital procedure, or babies.
A couple of the guys’ dates gather around with the girls I’d invited from work and we make idle chit-chat about their drunken antics. Though they’re younger and seem more interested in guzzling down beer after beer, I find myself laughing along with them as Ch
ad convinces one of the new guys from the gym to jump naked off the docks into the frigid water.
At that moment, I feel the air change. It shifts over my skin, snapping and crackling until I shiver with awareness. My eyes flit over the bobbing heads of the other people and land on a shadowed figure by the car. George Straight croons about getting carried away, and my heart starts to beat faster. It’s as though it somehow recognizes that its other half has returned. I curse it for its flighty affections. When will it ever learn? I should have realized by now that hearts are fragile things. They break easily.
I don’t realize that I’ve stopped breathing—or that the figure is almost within touching distance—until Chad appears at my side, clapping an arm around my back and forcing air back into my lungs.
“Ben!” Chad’s breath fans over me in a noxious cloud of sour beer. “I didn’t know you had a place around here.”
Stupid. I should have known he’d be here.
“Good to see you man,” Chad continues, completely oblivious to the tense looks we’re sharing and the fact that most of us have known each other for decades.
Ben nods, his eyes elsewhere, though I have a feeling he’s catalogued everything about me in seconds. And damn if he doesn’t look downright edible cleaned up in a pair of jeans and a tight T-shirt. The baseball cap throws a shadow over his eyes and the firelight flickers over his beard.
I refuse to let my fingers tug down the hem of my shirt to make sure the infinitesimal white lines that mar my stomach aren’t visible. Doing so would only emphasize the new fullness of my breasts. As if on cue, I can feel them tighten and come to attention.
His face is all hard, uncompromising angles, almost too harsh to be attractive, but somehow it is. The light of the fire flickers in his crystal-blue eyes and it takes a moment for me to realize that he’s ceased his perusal of the goings-on and is now staring right at me.
“Good to see you, too,” Ben murmurs to Chad, his voice flowing over me like silk.
A shout distracts Chad from the conversation. “Let me get you a beer, okay? Sweetheart, you want something?”
I shake my head but am unable to tear my eyes away. Chad departs, ever oblivious, and howls welcome him back into the fold of partygoers. The girls sense the tension, as well, and leave under the guise of refreshing their own cups. I shift my weight from one foot to the other, suddenly feeling like we’re alone even though we’re surrounded by people. And I can recall quite vividly what transpired between us the last time we were alone. In this very spot.
The memory breaks the current flowing between us. I dig in my purse for the water I’d stashed there and take deep, refreshing gulps. I fold into the chair again, determined to ignore his presence and get back to my good time.
I hear the scrape of a chair being dragged along the sand, causing my heart to beat ever faster in my chest. His spicy, clean scent surrounds me, and damn if it doesn’t throw me back to tasting the spot on his neck where it’s the strongest. I’m too far away from the fire to feel its warmth, but I do feel the heat emanating from the closeness of his body.
My words bubble up in my throat. “If you’re here to rub the fact that you bought Dad’s house in my face you can kiss my ass.”
He sighs. “That’s not why I’m here, Olivia.”
I concentrate on my water bottle, not yet feeling strong enough to look in his direction. “Then why are you here? You made it damn clear that night that you didn’t want anything to do with me. Nassau may be a small town, but it’s easy enough to stay out of each other’s way.”
“I don’t think that’s going to be possible. Do you?”
I glance over at him. “You’ve managed to do it for the last year and a half. I don’t see why anything has to change now.” The arm of my chair jerks in his direction and I squawk in outrage. “What the hell are you doing?”
“Let me put this into plain words so that there aren’t any further misunderstandings.” He moves closer to me, his lips so close, I ache to feel them on mine, despite how furious he makes me. “I was an asshole to you that night and I’m sorry. I didn’t buy your dad’s house to piss you off, even though we both know I love it when you get pissed off. I bought it because I know how much it means to you.”
My breath catches in my throat. “You did what?” My purse starts buzzing and I drag my gaze away from his to dive in it for my phone, noting Melissa’s name across the screen. “I-I appreciate the apology. Don’t take this the wrong way, but Melissa—she was Dad’s girlfriend—is watching Cole and she just sent me an SOS. We do actually need to talk. Soon. But, right now I have to go.”
I can feel his gaze on me as I pack up my bag and shoot off a text to Chad letting him know where I’m going to be.
“Tomorrow,” he says.
I blink up at him as we both stand. “Tomorrow?”
“Come to dinner with me.”
“I don’t know. I have a doctor’s appointment with Cole tomorrow. He’s usually cranky for a while afterwards. How about the day after?”
Before he can reply, my phone buzzes again. “Yes—yes okay. Um, I have to go.” In my haste, I throw my things into my purse and head across the double driveways to Melissa’s. I can feel Ben’s intense stare following me the entire way.
Melissa’s house, more a two-story cabin, is blessedly quiet save for Cole, who is squalling more insistently now. I hurry through the bare kitchen and living room to the stairs, waving at a beleaguered Melissa in her robe and slippers. She’s been a godsend in the past few months. If it weren’t for her, I would have never been able to handle all of the doctor’s appointments and office visits for Cole.
Cole is wiggling in his little bodysuit, not quite a full tantrum but definitely working up to one. He sniffles and his head lolls as I pick him up from the portable crib I’d brought. I cradle him in my arms and make shushing sounds to soothe him. Cole contents himself in my embrace with a bottle. The process calms me as well, thankfully. I hadn’t expected to see Ben again. Not until I found the right words to say.
“Oh, Cole,” I whisper. “What am I going to do?”
He squints up at me and for a moment, I’m distracted from my troubles. He releases the bottle to smile, all gums, and I melt. I rock him from my perched spot on the bed until he stills again in my arms. I yawn, wondering how drunk Chad is and if I should just leave him here and make it an even earlier night than I had planned. Feeding always makes me sleepy and part of me wants to curl up here, succumb to my exhaustion, and forget the mess I’ve made of my life.
I nearly do just that when a sound coming from the landing of the stairs startles me awake. I glance blearily around and spot Ben leaning against the doorframe.
My belly clenches with nerves. I steel myself. The last thing I need is to feel vulnerable around him. His penetrating stare can read my every thought.
“Melissa let me in. You dropped your phone.”
My cheeks burn in response. I feel trapped. I’ve gotten so used to thinking of Ben in the removed sense that I’m nearly dumbfounded by his sudden presence. “Thanks.”
I settle Cole into his car seat where he snuggles contentedly, never stirring as I buckle him in. I quickly fold up the portable crib and stuff his blankets and diapers back into his diaper bag. My movements are stiff and jerky and my fingers shake when I attempt to do up the zipper to the bag.
I rise to leave, but Ben grabs my hand. The heat from his palm sears a path of recognition straight through me, and my heart thuds expectantly in my chest. I feel exposed by his touch and I move to pull from his hold, but his fingers tighten. I look at him in alarm. He stands and I automatically move back. Somehow, I know that being near him again, even as innocent as this, will be devastating.
Unfortunately, he follows, crowding me against the wall next to the bedroom door. I stare pointedly at the floor, unable to look at him when he’s so close.
I hear the sound of someone stumbling up the stairs and the telltale rustle of Melissa’s robe as
she makes her way to the bathroom across the hall. For a moment, I hope she remembers I have Cole in here and thinks to check on me. Anything to break the spell Ben has me under. My voice—and willpower, for that matter—is nowhere to be found.
But she doesn’t. Instead, she uses the bathroom and leaves me at Ben’s mercy.
Being in such close proximity to him dredges up memories I would much rather leave buried. I feel the faintest touch of his lips against my bare shoulder and I tremble. His arms slip around my waist in gradual increments. He buries his face in my throat. Then his hands slide down the sides of my rib cage, slowly mapping the way to my hips. He gathers me in his strong arms and simply holds me there for a moment.
When he pulls back, my body follows his lead. I don’t know who makes the first move, but somehow his lips are on me and his body is pressing mine against the bedroom wall. We kiss like the night we were alone in his truck. No holding back. No real life to intrude. It’s even better than I remember it, and for a moment, I forget about the worrying and the stress. All I can think about is the stroke of his tongue against mine. The way the cage of his arms makes me feel safe and protected.
I close my eyes at the splendor of his embrace. Heat washes over me and loosens my stiff limbs. It would be so easy to forget the past and fall into bed with him again. So easy to give in.
The same thought seems to occur to Ben, because he releases me the slightest bit to look into my eyes. My gaze catches on the device on his ear and I lift a hand to touch him, but he shies away from me.
Ridiculously, stupidly hurt by the simple gesture that speaks volumes, I pull away. His arms fall loosely to his sides and his lips pull into a frown. I take a moment to calm my nerves against the feelings that have resurfaced. Once I feel reasonably calm, I return to Cole’s side and collect his things.
“I’ll see you the day after tomorrow, Ben.” Then we can finally put all of the unanswered questions to rest. He stares at me for a moment, and I almost think that he’s about to reply, but he ends up nodding and giving me a weak smile instead.
Warrior (First to Fight #1) Page 10