by Tracy Ewens
Silence.
“Are still screwing her mother.”
Hollis heard a huff over the phone and smiled.
“It’s not like it’s hard to spell, genius. It’s Pilot Programs. P-I-L—”
She disconnected and dropped the phone to the bed. She googled Pilot Programs and found a website and articles from every major tech and financial newspaper in the world. She’d heard of Pilot; they were involved in some project she’d sat in on. Which one was that? She searched her brain and remembered it had something to do with software for school cafeterias. She couldn’t remember which side she was on, but she remembered the company because her favorite dog… had been named Pilot.
Hollis felt the air exit her lungs that same way it had when she was tripped by some kid the year her dad wanted her to try soccer. The little bitch stuck her foot out and as hard as she tried to recover, Hollis had landed chest first in the scratchy Bermuda grass. It felt like her lungs had given up, collapsed, and left her gasping. She was right back there now, but without the grass. What was he doing? And why had he let her think he was some dropout working at a coffee shop? Why had he let her tease him?
Oh, God. Hollis grabbed her wallet, left her cabin, and held her hand up as she rushed by the nothing-is-ever-as-good-as-home couple that had checked into Red Rover yesterday afternoon. No way she was dealing with them now.
Matt knew that look the minute she blew through the front door of The Bean a little after nine. He’d left her early with coffee, sugar, and a note. The woman in shorts and his sweatshirt currently gesturing for him while he handed a tourist her latte didn’t seem like she woke up to any of those things.
Matt smiled at Hollis; nothing in return. Not good. It was Thursday, her favorite day. He hoped whatever it was could be fixed and fast.
At last, when he was able to get away, he approached her and noted Hollis looked like she’d already taken a ride on the crazy train. Her hair was barely hanging on to a knot, bun, something that looked like a runaway ball of yarn at the base of her neck, and her eyes were wild. He could feel the thoughts spinning and when he was within arm’s reach, she tried to grab him but missed and ended up pulling him to the corner table by the sleeve of his T-shirt. There was no one sitting there, thank God, because she plopped him down in one of the chairs and joined him by practically throwing herself into the other. This was not going to be a good Thursday.
“What is going on?” she asked.
“I… could you be a little more specific?”
“Sure. Who the hel-lo are you, and why are you lying to me? You, and I’m not sure whoever else is in on your little charade, have been leading me to believe you are one thing when it turns out you are someone else entirely.”
Despite the ranting and slightly insane head bobbing, Matt knew exactly what she was talking about. He’d had a feeling this would come up at some point, but not right this minute. Wasn’t it often that way, when you least expected it? Songs were written about irony for a reason.
He tried the silent, confused treatment first. It was his “go-to.”
When he said nothing, she leaned across the small round table until they were face-to-face.
“You made me think you were— God we did… things and now I’m… it was all a lie. You are a lie.”
That was about enough, Matt thought. “I am not a lie. How I make money has nothing to do with who I am, who we are.”
“Oh, really? Well, I have to disagree with you there considering you named your fu—dging company after my sweet dog and you are not a ‘programmer.’ This all feels personal, Matt. Is this some kind of game? You know, like I left so you’re going to make me want you again and then break it to me that it was a joke?”
“What are you talking about?”
“I’m talking about feeling like a complete loser last night. Crawling into your lap,” she whispered that last part, and he almost laughed. “Then I wake up this morning and miraculously, my sweet innocent programmer who plays coffee man on the side turns out to be a CEO of an up-and-coming incredible company, and he’s loaded.” More whispering.
“I am not sweet, nor am I innocent. Please don’t say that again. About the rest, isn’t that a good thing? I’m sure books have been written about this exact scenario.”
“No, not the books I read. This is not a good thing.”
“Why? Because I didn’t tell you, or you’re more comfortable with me being the coffee dropout.”
“Both.”
This time he laughed. “Holls, I’m guessing you’ve dated some successful men in the past twelve years. As much as I try not to picture that, I don’t get how I’m any different.”
“Because you are,” she said much louder than he was expecting. “You’re… you. You’re this part of my life, the part where I smell like ocean and…”
“I’m no longer one part of your life and you are not one part of mine. You came to the cove to deal with your life. There was no reason for me to discuss what I do for a living. It hadn’t come up yet. That’s not the same as lying.”
“You told me you need to find a new dentist. I feel like the fact that you own one of the most talked-about tech companies in the country is a few notches above that on the catching-up scale.”
She went to stand and he took her hand. “Why does it matter?”
“Because this, this is all pressure. You are worth more than I’ll ever make in a lifetime. I… don’t like that.”
“Christ, aren’t we too old for this? I love you. This isn’t a competition. What’s the problem? I’m real, not some easy summer fling?”
She laughed.
“You can’t simply leave now? Is that it, Holls? I’m a solid investment.”
“What the fu—dge pops are you talking about? I’ve never denied your success. I’m the one who said you were crazy to leave school because you were brilliant.”
Matt stood. “I don’t need to justify this to you or anyone else. Yes, I run Pilot Programs. It is a complete coincidence that my company is named after your dog. Bradley came up with the name. Yes, I didn’t tell you because you’re going through some stuff and I didn’t want to rub your nose in something. I know how you are.”
“You know how I am? How I… I am not this!” She stood back, her hands flailing in an up-and-down motion. “I don’t need you to hold things back from me. I’m not a child, and I have my own success.”
“Sure. I know you do.” Matt realized the minute the words came out of his mouth that she would take them as condescending, but this was ridiculous.
“Don’t patronize me.”
He shook his head. “I give up.”
“Oh, well that’s nothing new.”
Letting her have the last word, Matt went back behind the counter because there was no winning this one. By the time he looked up, she was gone.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Hollis had helped herself to two large glasses of wine that she decided were long overdue because she wasn’t a drunk and if she was, that particular challenge would need to get the hell to the back of the line. In the midst of drinking, she had texted Annabelle. It was a long diatribe against the double standard for women in the workplace and from what she could tell, now looking at her phone, a string of mostly illegible comments about Matt not being the coffee man or some programmer and how she was ready to leave the past behind. It wasn’t her finest hour, she would admit, but Anna replied that she would come for a visit. Now that they were tucked into a booth at the restaurant at the cove, Hollis forgave her momentary trip into digital stupidity.
“What does that mean? He’s not a programmer?”
“He owns the company. He and his friend Bradley developed the app so people can preorder their coffee and then it’s ready when they get there.”
“Oh, I love that. Starbucks has that.”
“They bought it from him.”
Anna’s eyes grew wide. “Really? Well, that is news and exciting. He’s successful. That’s great.�
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Hollis said nothing and took a bite of the crab dip delivered to their table.
“I mean… that is not a good thing?” her sister asked.
“No. I guess it is, but he lied and made me think he was… not as loaded or well respected as he is.”
“Did you ever ask him what he did?”
Hollis chewed another chip and dip as she nodded. “I did, and he said he was a programmer.”
“Which technically is not a lie.”
“I think it’s a sign.”
“Stop it. You’re self-sabotaging again.”
“Holy sh—in splints. Did Sage say that? It sounds like something that would come from one of her Be a Better You tomes.”
Anna laughed. “Tomes, great word. Crossword?”
Hollis shook her head. “Discovery Channel last night because I couldn’t sleep. It is a good one, not used enough.”
“Agreed. No, I did not get that from Sage—it’s my own. You’re screwing up your happiness because… I don’t know why, but believe me, the pickings are slim out there and you, of course, are pissy with your man because he’s made some money and has a career.”
“It’s not simply a career, it’s impressive.”
“Better than yours?”
“Yes.”
“Well, there it is. You’re a study, Hollis. Can’t you be second?”
“No fu—dge cake way you get to do that to me. You know the IQ score of every friend you have.”
“That was research for my thesis.”
“Uh huh. Remember when you were drunk after you graduated?”
Anna nodded as if she already knew where this was going.
“You rambled them all off and then told the whole bar yours was higher.”
“O thou invisible spirit of wine, if thou hast no name to be known by, let us call thee—devil!” The words slipped from her sister’s mouth like an easy exhale and even though Hollis knew it was Shakespeare, she understood their meaning. That was Anna’s talent, she was brilliant at bringing language to life for her students, for everyone come to think of it. Not that Hollis would tell her that now. She was too much fun to tease.
Hollis scrunched her face. “You’re so weird.”
“I know.”
“Bill—”
“Will.”
“Whatever, he’s not going to have some pearl of wisdom that’s going fix this. What am I even doing here? I had to have known on some level I was going to see him, right?”
Anna nodded.
When her mother had insisted she visit Uncle Mitch, Hollis felt her heart sort of rolled in her chest. The idea of returning to a place, a time when things made sense had appealed to her since much of her present life felt marred by one fateful decision. She’d been embarrassed and worst of all, made to feel foolish. All she could think to do was run home and when her mother opened the door, Hollis took it and ran back to her pier, her sunlight, and on some level, who she was when she was with Matt.
How could a time hold so much possibility and so much pain all at once? She’d loved him with her whole heart and once she had broken his, she did the same to her own and never looked back. She hadn’t wanted to be a young mother, or a mother at all for that matter, back then. All she wanted was to win.
“Are you going to take him to the wedding?” Annabelle asked after they ordered chocolate cake.
“Probably not.” Hollis took the first bite.
“You’re stupid.”
“You’re stupider.”
Her sister laughed. “Don’t screw this up, Holls. Ask him about his job, be an adult for Christ’s sake. Maybe you two need to leave this place and step out of the postcard. Instead of being pissed he’s successful, go see what his life is now.”
“Hey, whose side are you on?”
“I think I’m on his,” Anna said as they took their dessert to go and waved to Mitch on the way out.
As they left the restaurant, Hollis stopped. “Maybe I’m a lie too.”
Annabelle took her hand and they kept walking.
“Well, have you told him why you’re here? Does he know what happened at least?”
Hollis shook her head.
“That’s crazy. Why not?” Annabelle asked as they made their way to Mr. Boots.
“Because I’m fixing it and he doesn’t need to know. I know it was wrong to shut him out the first time, but this is different. This is my work.”
“First time?”
Damn it! Her big mouth had talked her right into that one so once they were in the cabin, Hollis told her.
“I got pregnant my junior year in college.” She could see the shock and then the hurt run across her sister’s face.
“Why didn’t you tell anyone?”
“Because right when I was going to have to make some hard decisions, I had a miscarriage.”
Annabelle pulled her into her arms. “Why do you do this? Why do you keep us at arm’s length? People want to love you, Hollis.”
“I’m working on it.”
“Yeah, maybe you need to work a little faster.”
“I’ll get on it right after I keep my job.”
“Do you want to talk about that, the job?” Annabelle sat on the edge of the bed and took her shoes off.
“Oh, I’m sorry. I have a one-dramatic-reveal-a-night policy,” Hollis said.
Annabelle laughed, but her eyes were still concerned. Hollis hated that. She was supposed to be the big sister.
“Can we start the slumber party now?” Hollis turned toward the bathroom as her sister crawled into bed.
“Hey, Anna?”
Her sister looked up.
“Velcro,” Hollis said and closed her door.
She smiled when she heard her sister laugh and say, “Oh my.”
They watched romantic movies because Annabelle was the expert on all things made up and too perfect for real life. Before she fell asleep, Hollis reviewed her to-do list for the following day. Closing her laptop, she clicked off the light and knew there was one thing she needed to fix that wasn’t on the list. She needed to apologize to Matt because her sister was right—damn it—Hollis was being stupid.
Matt watched his feet hanging above the surface of the dark water the next morning, suddenly struck by how much older his body was. It was an odd thing to notice as the sun slowly climbed into the sky, warming the back of his neck. He wasn’t a kid anymore, but sitting on the dock made him feel young and, of course, reminded him of her. Being barefoot reminded him of her too, even when he was back home. Several things had brought her freckled nose and those storm cloud eyes to his mind, despite his best efforts to forget. Days with big fluffy clouds because after Hollis, he tended to notice the shapes, driving with the windows down, any dock or pier, anywhere. Hell, even grilled chicken brought her to mind, reminded him of all the moments he knew she was his, knew he’d never love anyone the way he’d loved her.
A drop of water slipped from his hair and ran down his cheek. He shook his hair the way he’d done as a kid and watched the excess water fly onto the dry dock. He’d had a good swim, but now it was time for him to head into the city. His schedule was packed with meetings and then he was meeting Toro to try to get his dad in the pool.
He’d wanted to call her last night, but no matter how much he loved her or needed her, he would not apologize for his success. He’d spent so much time downplaying things in an effort to gain his father’s acceptance or keep the peace. Not with her; he wouldn’t do it anymore. Not that he had any clue how to keep her either.
Matt checked his phone. No messages. Shit!
Hollis Marie Jeffries, he could hear her young voice introducing herself to him all over again. It was the summer he turned twelve. The summer his parents had finally started seeing a profit on their three coffee shops and decided to open one along Tomales Bay, about a mile up the road from a place called Mitchell’s Cove in the town proper of Mitchell, California. They’d driven up from their home in San Francisco and rented on
e of the cabins—it was Red Rover.
Matt now smiled at the memory. They’d arrived in the early evening and when Matt ran to the back patio of their cabin, he heard singing. That was the first time he saw Hollis Jeffries, a big long braid down her back, braces, and a small plastic bucket as she walked through a little under two feet of water looking at whatever she could find and singing something Matt didn’t recognize at the time. She would later tell him it was the fight song of her private grammar school. He had not introduced himself that day and simply watched her. The following Monday, they were both enrolled in Junior Sailing. It was the summer when his favorite Vans were finally broken in to perfection and he’d wanted to learn how to kayak, but his father had insisted on sailing… and it was the summer he met Hollis. He used to imagine telling this story to their children and adding that they had become friends that day, but that would have been a lie.
The slap of a seal’s tail as it swam by pulled Matt from his thoughts, and he was grateful. Standing, he slipped his feet back into his shoes and pulled the now damp T-shirt back over his head as he started back up the pier. There was time for a quick shower before he had to leave. Glancing at the cabins, he thought for a minute they needed to talk, but then he realized he had nothing to say.
David Locke went to physical therapy as planned. Matt had originally thought it wouldn’t be necessary, but Toro felt it was important not to disrupt his routine until they were sure the pool was going to work. His mother had a baby shower to go to, which was perfect because it was the two of them for lunch and then Matt would bring in Toro.
After picking up burgers and the almost-silent car ride back to the house, they sat eating and wiping their mouths in silence.
“Mom says you need to take some ibuprofen after you’ve eaten.”
His father grunted.
“I’ll get those for you.” Matt set the remaining half of his burger down and stood. “Where are they?”