Pulled Under

by Sarah Darlington

  “Rhett?” came a voice from off in the distance.

  Oh, shit.

  It was Sydney. I hadn’t even noticed her approaching because she fit in here so seamlessly. She wore light jeans, a green sweater, and one of those damn backpacks. Seeing me, her pace increased. She left a couple girls she’d been walking with, stepped off the sidewalk, cut across the grass, and hurried over to me. Never before—which was a very hard thing to top—had she looked more beautiful. She wasn’t wearing makeup, at least not the stuff that covered her skin, and I could see her freckles, a spattering of gorgeous little dots across her cheeks and nose. Her hair seemed longer, all wind-blown, falling so perfecting down over her breasts, and I seriously had to catch my breath. It was more than her appearance though, she seemed happier somehow.

  “Hey, sweetheart, how’s it going?” I casually said. The words started pouring out of me as I tried to mask my nervousness. “I’m here visiting Noah. We’re supposed to meet for lunch in about an hour. I figured I’d stop by and see you first. Well, I didn’t actually know if I’d find you, but I guess I got lucky.”

  “It’s good to see you,” she said, brushing her hair out of her face and smiling. Quite the contrast to the last way we’d greeted each other. “What do you think of the campus?”

  “It’s big and intimidating,” I answered honestly.

  “I thought so too, at first. You get used it though. I love it here.” She bit her bottom lip, a smile still lingering on her face, and glanced down at the ground. “It’s really good to see you,” she repeated, turning shy on me.

  “You already told me that.”

  “I know. I needed to say it again.”

  This fucking blew chunks! Why me? There was a spark between us. And not just the ‘I want to rip your clothes off’ spark, but one that meant a hell of a lot more to me. Something had changed since the last time we’d seen each other. A really good something, and now I had to bring up the one person I knew would immediately snuff that spark. If I were the type of person to believe in karma—then this would be it, right here right now, kicking me in the ass.

  “There’s something important I came here to tell you.” My hands were trembling so hard that I had cross my arms over my stomach to hide them. “My visit actually has nothing to do with Noah. That was just my excuse. I need you to trust that what I’m about to tell you isn’t something I’m saying out of cruelty or as part of some sick game. I’m simply relaying information. It’s the truth. And I need you to promise you’re going to trust me.”

  That pretty smile of hers disappeared. “You’re freaking me out.”

  I was freaking myself out.

  “Sit,” she commanded. She grabbed my wrist and plopped down in the glass, taking me with her. She tucked her knees under her body, reminded me of the way she’d sat to inspect my DVD collection. “You’re shaking.” She still held my arms. “What is it? Talk to me.”

  Why did she have to be so damn sweet when she wanted to be?

  “Ben’s alive,” I blurted out. No need to beat around the bush any longer. I shifted in the grass. Only college kids lounged around in the itchy grass, and I certainly wasn’t one of those. “I overheard Ellie on the phone talking to him.”

  “Wait. What do you mean he’s alive?”

  “I mean he didn’t drown, he washed up on shore, and he’s now living with some old lady out in Malibu. That’s what I mean,” I explained.

  Gasping, she snapped her hand over her mouth. I couldn’t decide if she was merely shocked, angry, or excited by this news, so I kept talking. I told her every detail Ellie had already shared with me. Then I mentioned the ‘group vacation’ Ellie was in the middle of planning.

  “The Los Angeles vacation,” she repeated. “Georgina invited me. I already paid for my ticket. So it’s not really a vacation—but a trip to see Ben? To do what…bring him home?”

  Noah had invited me along on this so-called ‘vacation’ as well. I still hadn’t decided if I wanted to go or not. “I have no idea. Noah and Georgie don’t know any of this. They think it’s a real vacation. Ellie made me promise not to tell anyone.”

  “And here you are? Telling me?”

  “Here I am.”

  For a few long minutes we both sat there in silence. I didn’t know what to say, and I figured she needed some time to let this sink in. She kept making these funny—and honestly, kind of cute, despite the heaviness of this moment—little breaths into her hands. Then at one point, she started to cry. I desperately wanted to hug her when that happened, but I didn’t. I couldn’t. I had my own emotional wellbeing to preserve. Telling her this…this already meant I was losing her forever. Touching her in this moment would have been like a knife through my already wounded heart.

  A second later, she brushed the tears from her eyes and stood up. I stood up too.

  “I don’t know what to say,” she told me.

  “You don’t have to say anything. But I’ve got to get going.”

  Her big, green, tear-filled eyes stared up at me. “So soon?”

  If I stayed a moment longer then I undoubtedly would find myself doing something stupid. Like blurting out how much I loved her. Which was beyond ridiculous. She’d never been mine. She was never going to be mine. This was over before it had even started. Time for me to man the fuck up and move on. “Bye, Sydney. Please don’t tell Georgie or Noah this. Ellie wants to be the one to tell them.”

  And I walked off. The hardest thing I’d ever had to do in my life, but I did it.

  CHAPTER 11:

  SYDNEY

  Here I was with five other people, all crammed into one very tight Honda Accord, all on our way to the airport. It was a two hour drive from Luke University to Charlotte. Once we made it to the airport we had a five hour flight to LA ahead of us. I was here. I was doing this. I was going to see Ben again. But dammit, if this wasn’t already turning into the day from hell.

  “Just drink one more. Noah, please,” Ellie begged from the driver’s seat. “I know you better than I know myself. You worry too much. If you could be cleaning something right now, you probably would be. It’ll help you relax, so we all can relax.”

  Noah had ‘OCD.’ Or at least that was what everyone else called it. The more I got to know him, the more I saw that it was something he struggled with daily. But I think textbook OCD wasn’t actually what he had, more like general anxiety. He worried about lots of different things. The cleaning aspect just seemed to be something he did to help calm himself down when the worrying got out of control. Georgina also seemed to help that a lot.

  Since we were on our way to airport, with Noah about to take his first ride on an airplane ever, Ellie had decided that he needed to take a few shots of whiskey to help him relax a little. But the thing was, with Georgina curled up against his side, he didn’t seem the least bit anxious today. Hell, I was more freaked out than he was.

  That was why I’d secretly taken the two shots Ellie thought he’d already taken. He’d handed them to me when I gestured for them. Which was case-in-point, why the three of us had become such close friends over this past school year. They were cool with whatever. They never judged some of my more questionable decisions and they never pressured me one way or the other with Rhett. Even though I knew they were both close with him too.

  Speaking of Rhett. He sat in the passenger’s seat, up front with Ellie, with a girl named Luce sitting on his lap. There hadn’t been enough room in the car for all of us, so she’d volunteered to sit on his lap. Splendid. I hadn’t even known he was coming along on this trip until today. I guess he’d made a last minute decision. And he’d brought this random girl along too. Luce. She worked with him as a bartender at Chancy’s Claw. Apparently, she and Rhett were close. Apparently, I’d already met her once—the night Rhett and I slept together. But, honestly, I couldn’t remember her.

  Georgie said she was nice, so I had to trust that, but…really…what the hell was Rhett thinking? Coming along and bringing her. As if t
his trip weren’t going to be hard enough already.

  Finally we reached the airport. So far, I’d managed to completely avoid speaking to Rhett. I hadn’t even made eye contact with him yet. And vice versa. He seemed to be avoiding me, too. We all unloaded our bags, checked in at the ticket counter, and made it easily past security. It was almost fun watching Noah pretend to be drunk through all of this. He used his fake intoxication as an excuse for some extra PDA with Georgie. Meanwhile, I had a nice buzz going, which almost made being so close to Rhett and his new girl bearable. But, seriously, I couldn’t get past my anger.

  Because the honest truth was—I was jealous. Which had to be the most absurd thing, but knowing how much Rhett slept around with everyone, I had to assume he and this Luce girl had been together. Maybe recently, maybe not— regardless, it rubbed me the wrong way.

  When he came to visit me a little over a month ago, to tell me Ben was still alive, I’d been genuinely happy to see him. I don’t know what it was that had changed inside me, but seeing him again I felt giddy and excited like never before. If he’d come that day to ask me out, I would have said yes. Instead, it was like the second he found out about Ben, he automatically gave up on me.

  “Hey, Sydney, come with me to the bathroom before we board?” Georgina urged. “Please.”

  “Sure,” I answered, and we split up from the rest of the group to head toward the ladies room.

  Georgina was the prettiest girl—inside and out—that I’d ever known. She was kind, thoughtful, and fun. Gorgeous brown hair. Bright blue eyes. Flawless tan skin. Plus, she was the type of person that was infectious to be around, that brought life to any situation. All four years of high school we’d lived on opposite ends of the social pool, never once speaking. But take high school out of the equation, and we had a chance to become friends. Actually, the thing that really bonded us was Ben—losing Ben. She struggled with that in her own way, and I in mine. But together, in the last few months we’d been at school, we’d really helped each other come to terms with his death.

  Only, I now knew something she didn’t. That Ben wasn’t actually dead. Knowing it terrified me to the core. Because what would happen when she found out I’d known for all this time and kept that information from her? Would she hate me for not telling? I hoped not. I prayed not. Her friendship had become so important to me. More important than whatever weird limbo-thing I’d once shared with Ben.

  “How are you holding up?” she asked me as soon as we entered the bathroom, safely away from the others. “Has Rhett even spoken to you?”

  “Not a word,” I replied, dropping my bag on the ground and heading for the sinks to wash my hands. “Not even hello.”

  “I don’t get it,” she said, using the sink beside mine. “If he likes you so much, why bring Luce?”

  “Maybe because he doesn’t like me that much.”

  “No. Trust me. He does. Sometimes, if your name is ever brought up in conversation, he gets this look on his face…like he can’t breathe or something. It’s painfully obvious how much he still cares for you. So painful that my stomach hurts for him. Noah told me…” She trailed off, clearly knowing something I didn’t.

  “What? Tell me.”

  She grimaced. “Noah told me that he and Luce used to be casual. His word, not mine.”

  “Casual…as in they slept together regularly? Perfect. Just perfect.” Now my stomach hurt—like I’d swallowed a gallon of cement, that sort of hurt. Grabbing a paper towel, I dried my hands a little too forcefully. Then I flung my heavy-ass bag over my shoulder.

  “I don’t think they still do it but—I’m sorry.” Georgina squeezed her arms around me. “This trip was supposed to be fun. I hope it’s not ruined already.”

  “It’s not,” I said confidently. This trip was about Ben, not Rhett. About figuring out my feelings—both past and present—for Ben, not trying to make sense of this weird thing I shared with Rhett. Rhett could go to hell for all I cared. “I’m over it. He could at least say hi, maybe be a little friendly, but if that’s too hard for him then whatever. Let’s go join the others before he thinks we’re in here talking about him. Him thinking I care—that’s about the last thing I want right now.”

  “Yes!” Georgina said, excited all at once. “Screw him. Maybe you’re about to meet some Hollywood celebrity on this flight anyway.”

  “Trust me, I already have enough to handle.”

  “Well, you never know.”

  We left the bathroom and started heading across the airport toward our gate. Noah approached us through the crowd, saying, “Our flight’s boarding. You girls ready?”

  “Sure.” I guess I was as ready as I’d ever be. With my ticket clutched tightly in my hand, I followed the others to the gate. Somehow I ended up behind Rhett and Luce, the last one in our group to board. I watched the two of them as they presented their tickets and then as we all walked down the jet bridge. Technically, other than sitting on his lap on the car ride here, she hadn’t touched him again all morning. Why I cared about this…who freaking knew? Actually, I didn’t care. It was none of my damn business. I needed to stop obsessing.

  With about two feet left to walk before we reached the door onto the plane, Rhett suddenly stopped walking. I bumped into his chest as he turned around. “Hey,” he said to me and pulled me aside.

  Luce glanced back at us briefly before disappearing onto the plane.

  “Hey, yourself!” I snapped, narrowing my eyes up at him. “What are you doing?” Just looking at his face pissed me off. He stood so close to me that I could smell his familiar scent—which shouldn’t have brought back memories—intimate memories—from the past, but it did.

  “How much did you drink in the car?” he whispered.

  I gasped, shocked that he even knew I’d been drinking and shocked that he had the balls to ask about it. “That’s not really any of your business. Now would you please get out of my way so I can board? My bag’s breaking my arm.”

  He took my bag out of my hand, and easily slung it over his shoulder. Which was actually nice of him, since it was too freaking heavy to carry, but I glared at him just the same.

  “You’re so mad,” he stated, still not moving out of my way. “Is it because I brought Luce? We’re just friends. You know that, right?”

  “It’s fine that you brought her. I don’t care. She could be more than your friend and I still wouldn’t care.”

  He sighed. “Okay. Here’s the real thing then—I’m actually nervous about flying.”

  I chuckled because he had to be bullshitting me.

  “No, it’s true,” he argued. “This is only the second time I’ve ever been on a plane. The first flight didn’t go so well, and I was about nine. So, can we please call a truce or whatever for the next five hours? And will you please sit beside me?”

  “Um…” That was a totally unexpected request.

  He rubbed his hand over the back of his neck, taking a deep breath. “See, the thing is, if the plane is going to crash into a mountain or catch on fire or happen to fall out of the sky…then God forbid you are not beside me when we go down.”

  Wow. Somehow, that was almost sweet. In some weird, twisted way.

  “Okay,” I answered. “Fine. I’ll sit by you.”

  “Really?”

  I nodded and just like that we were semi-okay again. He carried my bag to the seat and then stowed it in the overhead for me. Luce was already sitting beside Ellie, so she must have known he’d wanted to sit beside me instead. Which almost made me feel better about Luce being along on this trip. Maybe they were only friends after all. Sitting down, I got comfortable in the seat by the window, and then Rhett plopped down in the seat to my right.

  All through taxi/takeoff, he didn’t say a word. He didn’t act dramatic or try to hold my hand or seem nervous about the flight in the least, he simply sat there beside me. Then once we were comfortably in the air and on our way to LA, he pulled his phone from his pocket, plugged some headphones into
it, and started a movie. That was when I finally relaxed. I rested my head against the window and dozed off.

  * * *

  I slept like a baby for most of the flight. It was amazing. So peaceful and so needed. But when I woke up, Rhett wasn’t there beside me. Wondering where he’d gone, I popped my head up over the seat. Georgie and Noah were adjacent to my row, both asleep and using each other as pillows. Behind me Ellie sat alone, but she seemed more interested in the clouds outside her window than me peeking at her. What the hell? I thought as I slipped back into my seat. That meant wherever Rhett was, he was likely with Luce.

  Ten minutes ticked by. Then fifteen.

  Meanwhile I had no idea what to believe with Rhett anymore. He was so confusing and annoying, that my head was spinning. The bottom line was, why bring Luce on this trip at all? Here were my theories: one, he was purposely trying to make me jealous, two, he’d brought her along as backup in case I didn’t want anything to do with him, three, I was the backup, or, four, he was so clueless that he didn’t even get what he was doing.

  I left my seat to go find them. I needed a definitive answer on this one.

  In the back of the plane, both lavatories were locked. I immediately thought the worst. The word ‘mile high’ and some other choice nasty words about Rhett popped into my head. Then I noticed some people in the galley sitting on the floor. Rhett was one of these people; beside him sat Luce, a man that looked like another passenger, and a flight attendant hovered close by, holding out a cup of water.

  Something had happened. My stomach dropped to my toes as I hurried to them. “Is everything okay?” I asked, worried instantly. “Is he okay?”

  “He’s fine, princess,” Luce barked. “Why don’t you go back to your seat?”

  That sealed the deal—I hated her. I wanted to wring her skinny little neck. How did she know that Rhett sometimes called me princess? It meant he’d told her intimate details about us and that made me even more livid. How could he? Plus, the way she spoke to me…it was belittling. I’d never put too much stock into my age difference with Rhett before this moment, but I suddenly felt it.