by Quinn Ward
“But what does that have to do with you?”
“It’ll be easier for me because everybody’s gone through the initial shock of finding out that one of the boys in the family isn’t straight,” I explained, leaning in for a quick kiss to emphasize the point. If there had ever been any doubt in my mind I was attracted to men, Peter had eradicated it the very first time I tasted him. “And if anyone asks why I didn’t come out sooner, I can explain honestly that it was a nonissue for a long time. When I was married, I took my vows seriously. Yes, the attraction was still there, but it wasn’t like I was going to do anything about it, so I didn’t see any reason to tell anyone.”
“And now you do?” Peter slid his hand under the hem of my T-shirt rubbing his thumb back and forth along my side.
My mouth went dry when I considered what I was about to do. Peter had been here almost three months and showed no signs he wanted to leave. Every time he got a call for a potential assignment he turned it down with a recommendation for another makeup artist, telling the client he was still trying to deal with family issues back home. That was nothing more than an excuse at this point. Maria was more vibrant than I’d seen her in years, and in the past couple weeks, when she’d come over to our house, she seemed truly happy. And yes, I thought of my house as our house now, because I didn’t ever want Peter to leave.
“I’d like to think I do,” I admitted. A pit formed in my stomach as I surveyed his expression, looking for any hint of reaction from him.
He scooted closer to the edge of the counter, wrapping his legs around the back of my thighs. He nuzzled his face against my neck, peppering my skin with kisses. “And what might that reason be?”
I took a few deep breaths, trying to work up the courage to say those three little words to him. With everything I went through with Angela, it was even harder for me to admit what I was feeling to Peter. I knew that was unfair to him because they were very different people at the core but it didn’t make it any easier for me to bare my soul.
“Probably because I’ve gotten used to having you around,” I admitted, my heart twisting because I hadn’t been able to say what was truly on my mind. “And maybe it’s unfair of me to say it to you because I know eventually you’re going to have to get back to your life, but I don’t want you to leave. I want to keep living in this bubble where I know you’re going to be here every night when I get home. I like knowing that Sophia can go to sleep in her own bed and I don’t have to drag her out in the middle of the night when I close.”
Peter braced my face in his hands, holding me firmly enough to keep me from looking away. He leaned in, brushing his lips to mine, before whispering, “I’ve gotten used to being here too.”
“Daddy! Why are you kissing Peter?” Sophia squealed, racing across the room, trying to pull me off “her Peter.” We’d been so careful so far, making sure Sophia never questioned our relationship, but a split-second of carelessness was enough for her to catch us. “Does this mean you’re like Uncle Frankie now? Do you like to kiss boys? Does this mean you don’t like to kiss girls anymore?”
Peter busted out laughing while I stammered over my response. I’d been trying to figure out how to come out to my family, but somehow I never considered how to come out to my own child. The last thing I wanted was her thinking my relationship with her mother was a lie or that we split up was because I could never love Angela the way I could fall in love with a man. Still, I wasn’t comfortable talking with Sophia about who I wanted to kiss, male or female.
“No sweetie, I’m not like Uncle Frankie. Yes, I like kissing boys, but I also like kissing girls.” That was the simplest explanation I could give without explaining different sexual identities to her, which I wasn’t ready to do. “Did you have any other questions?”
Sophia shook her head. I couldn’t believe how easily she accepted my answer. She ran back in the other room, apparently having forgotten whatever brought her in here in the first place.
“Well that was fun,” I quipped, blowing out a deep breath.
“If it makes you feel any better, I’m pretty sure we didn’t scandalize her too badly.” While that was true, it seemed neither Peter nor I were eager to get back to what we’d been doing. He hopped off the counter and asked what he could help with. I waved him off, telling him to go back to his emails. He sat back at the table in the breakfast nook but didn’t open his laptop. Instead he looked up at me, hands folded in front of him on top of the table. “Were you serious about the two of us getting out of town for a bit?”
“Yeah… I mean, if Mama is willing to take Sophia for a weekend, it makes sense for the two of us to take advantage of the uninterrupted time together.” After I said the words, I wondered if I’d made a huge mistake. Having an entire weekend alone with Peter, without any distractions, wasn’t going to make it any easier for me to say goodbye when he eventually left.
“Okay, so this probably isn’t exactly what you were thinking, but I have a proposition for you.” Peter tapped his fingers on the laptop cover. I could tell he was nervous by the way his knee bounced under the table. “I just got an offer this morning for a short-term gig. I could pass it off to someone else but if I keep doing that, eventually they’ll cut out the middleman and offer these jobs to other makeup artists. What would you say about the two of us going up to New York?”
“You’re right. That’s not what I was thinking at all,” I admitted. I’d imagined heading south maybe, renting a condo on the beach or something like that. I’d never say it to Peter because I knew how much he loved the city, but New York held zero appeal to me ever since Angela left. It was irrational, but I doubted I’d ever shake the feeling that New York held something Sophia and I could never compete with.
“I’m sorry,” Peter apologized. “I knew it was a long shot, but I’d really like to show you around the place I’ve called home since I left.”
As much as I didn’t want to, I owed Peter an explanation. I turned off the heat on the saucepan and sat across from him at the table. After a few calming breaths, I closed my eyes so I wouldn’t have to look at him as I admitted my fears. “I’m the one who should be apologizing to you. I appreciate that you want to show me the city and that you want to share that piece of your life with me, but I’m not sure I’m ready to go there yet. When Angela left, that’s where she was headed. Every time she left that’s where she went.”
“What do you mean every time she left?” Peter reached out and took my hand.
“I mean exactly what I said,” I told him. Having to admit the way I’d let her walk all over me, I felt like an even bigger fool, but Peter deserved the truth. As I explained how she acted as if our house had a revolving door for the last year of our marriage, Peter grew more agitated.
By the time I was done, he was clenching his jaw to keep from interrupting me. “What a bitch!”
“Keep your voice down,” I warned him. “Even though you’re not wrong, I try to always be careful about what I say whenever Sophia might overhear me. No matter what I think of my ex, she’s still Sophia’s mother.”
“She may have given her life, but that doesn’t make her a mom.” I loved how upset Peter was on our behalf. Sadly, he had more of a relationship with my daughter in the few months he’d been here than her own mother had for the past few years. “I won’t pressure you if you really can’t do it, but New York is a huge city. You probably have better odds of winning the lottery or getting struck by lightning than you do running into one person you’d rather avoid.”
That may have been true, but knowing my luck she’d walk into the airport as we got off the plane. That was the way Angela operated; it was like she had a sixth sense to stay away from where she needed to be and insert herself where she wasn’t wanted.
“You’re probably right,” I admitted to him. It hit me that even though I was trying to move forward with my life, I was still letting the past dictate my future. If it was important to Peter to show me his world, then I wanted to see it
. “But how would it work? If you’re going to be working, it’s not much of a vacation for us.”
“I was thinking about that. What if we go up a few days early so we can spend some time together and then you can explore, do whatever you want during the day while I’m working? It wouldn’t be much different from how things are now, but you’ll be the one sitting on your ass while I’m busting mine.”
“Let me think about it, okay?” It was the best I could offer him right now. I wanted to be excited about this, wanted to think it’d help us find ways to get over the geographic differences if both of us were committed to having a relationship, but it seemed I had more work to do in finding a way to close the miles between us.
I sat with Peter a few more minutes, listening to him tell me about all the places he wanted to take me in New York. The restaurants he thought I’d enjoy, the tourist traps he’d never visited but secretly wanted to.
When I got up to check on dinner, he went back to work. As I stirred the new sauce I was trying to perfect, I thought about what he said. I wondered if he was already putting his career at risk by staying here so long and if any of his clients had already started going to other artists. If anyone was selfish in this relationship, it was me. He’d given up everything, at least for right now, and I’d let him. I hadn’t stopped to think about what it would cost for him to put his own life on hold to play house with me. I needed to find a way to make it up to him.
“What do you say we get cleaned up and head out for a little bit?” I asked Peter and Sophia as we sat around the table after dinner. It was my one night off and I wanted to do something special with the two of them.
“Can we go to the park?” Sophia suggested. It didn’t matter to her that it was hot and muggy, she was restless and wanted to run around outside. I was tempted to say no because I couldn’t think of much I’d rather do less than standing outside watching her play while I sweat my ass off, but I was trying to put my own wishes on the back burner for once. I wanted to be the parent she deserved in her life. Plus, with her otherwise occupied on the swings or in the sandbox, I could tell Peter I’d decided about New York.
“Sure we can do that, Sophia.” I pushed back from the table and started stacking the dishes. Peter rinsed while I handed Sophia a damp washcloth to wipe the table. The three of us worked together as a team, none of us needing to ask what to do or telling the others what we needed help with. “And maybe after, we can go pick up ice cream.”
She squealed as she tossed the rag into the sink and darted up the stairs to change into play clothes. She was either going to be worn out and asleep before we got home or hopped up on sugar; either was fine with me if Peter and I got a chance to talk.
“You just had to cave and tell her we’d go to the park, didn’t you,” Peter grumbled once we were alone. “It’s a good thing I’m not wearing makeup today, because I’m pretty sure my face would melt off out there.”
I cocked my head to the side, satisfied by the thump of Sophia playing with something up in her room. I couldn’t bring myself to be upset with her for not doing what I’d asked because it gave us a minute alone.
“We wouldn’t want that want that to happen now would we,” I teased, sliding up behind him at the counter, planting my hands on his waist. “I like that you don’t wear makeup when you’re around me. I get the impression it’s a sort of armor for you and I don’t want you to ever have to think you need to guard yourself against me.”
“Oh, but that’s where you’re wrong,” Peter responded. He leaned forward and pecked my cheek, nuzzling his nose against my ear. “Sometimes I think I need to guard myself more from you than anyone else in the world.”
Because I didn’t have a good response, I pressed my lips to his before pushing him away. Sophia’s doorstep slammed closed and she trampled down the steps. It never ceased to amaze me how one little girl could make so much noise. “Are you guys ready to go yet? I want to spend time at the park before it it’s bedtime.”
“Sophia, it’s not even a school night,” I reminded her. We talked quite a bit about how her routines would change with the upcoming school year, and she was so excited she thought she needed to start going to bed and waking up earlier right now. “And remember, after the park we’re walking to the ice cream parlor you like. I don’t think Peter’s ever been there, so he might need you to tell him what flavors are best.”
“I can do that.” Sophia wrapped her little fingers around Peter’s, practically dragging him to the front door. “Peter you need to put on your shoes so we can leave.”
With a laugh, Peter kneeled and did as he was told. Sophia grabbed my shoes off the pile and brought them to me, thrusting them into my stomach. “Daddy you need to get ready to go too.” I sat on the arm of the couch and wrestled into my shoes without bothering to untie them. Less than a minute later, the three of us were on our way down the front steps.
Sophia led the way to the park at the end of the block, inserting herself between Peter and me, taking one of our hands in each of hers. Despite the heat, it was a perfect night with the people I loved.
As soon as we got onto the park’s property Sophia ran off ahead of us. Every once in a while she looked back to make sure we were still there before taking off again. “You don’t worry about her when you’re here?”
“No,” I told him. “I used to, but then I realized the parents in our neighborhood do a pretty good job looking out for one another’s kids most of the time.”
“Sounds a lot like our old neighborhood.” There was a wistful tone to Peter’s voice, and I knew he was thinking about the countless hours we spent at the playground. “Gotta tell you though, I don’t think we had anything this nice.”
He was right about that. Our neighborhood was very much a working-class one. Where this park had a brightly colored playground with everything designed for safety, we were stuck with a rusty metal slide that blistered your legs in the middle of summer, a swing set with chain links that pinched your fingers, and a set of monkey bars high enough that at least five kids wound up going back to school in a cast every August.
I led Peter to an empty bench on the opposite side of the playground from where a group of mothers sat around gossiping. A few of them waved to me, and I hoped they didn’t come over to say hello. It wasn’t that I was antisocial, but this was a chance for Peter and me to sit down and talk.
With Sophia occupied on the playground, chasing a few of her little friends around the equipment and up the slides, I turned on the bench, draping my arm casually over the back, grazing my thumb across Peter’s shoulder blade. “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about what you said earlier, and I don’t think it was fair of me to shoot down your suggestion so quickly.”
“No, I don’t want you feeling that way at all. Did it sting a little? Yeah, at first. Then you explained your reasons and you’re completely justified.” Peter put his hand on my knee, watching for signs of discomfort. It said a hell of a lot to me that sitting here with him felt natural.
“But the thing is, I don’t think I am justified. You gave up so much to spend time with us, and it feels incredibly selfish of me to refuse to see what your life’s been like since you left. If the offer still stands, I’d like to go to New York with you.” My voice shook, but I didn’t take back the words. “Get me the dates you have to be there for that assignment, and I’ll let Frankie and Mama both know so everything’s taken care of on my end.”
“Only if you’re sure. Otherwise, we can find another way to forget about real life for a while.”
“I’m one hundred percent positive.” I hated that I still glanced over my shoulder before leaning in to tenderly kiss Peter on the lips, but it wasn’t long ago I was still firmly in the closet. Some of the parents who came here were familiar with my ex, and I really didn’t want to be the subject of the next gossip train. “I’m probably crazy for admitting this, but I’m starting to think there’s nowhere you couldn’t convince me to go with you.”
Peter
The weeks leading up to our vacation, if you could call it that, flew by. The morning of our departure, I wasn’t sure who was more nervous, Freddie at the prospect of leaving Sophia alone with his mama while we were gone or me for worrying about what Freddie would think when he saw the life I led back home. What he’d seen so far was a tame version of the Peter Agnelli the rest of the world knew. I loved my life in New York, but there were some things I couldn’t explain to Freddie no matter how hard I tried.
While Freddie finished getting Sophia dressed, I loaded our suitcases into the back of his car. Frankie was meeting us at Mama’s house so he could drive us to the train station. Freddie had tried convincing me to let him buy plane tickets, but I couldn’t justify the expense. That was a better excuse than admitting I hated flying. My fear would always hold back my career; it meant turning down opportunities on the West Coast because I couldn’t bring myself to sit in a plane for that many hours.
“What do you say we trade places?” Freddie flopped down on the couch with an exasperated sigh. “She’s insisting on having her hair braided and if I keep trying we’ll be lucky if she doesn’t need a haircut before we leave.”
“Come on, it can’t be that bad,” I quipped. Knowing Freddie, it absolutely could be that bad. The man got an A for effort but he couldn’t get the hang of anything more than a simple ponytail. I felt a pang of regret that I’d spoiled Sophia with some of the complex styles I enjoyed but didn’t have the expertise to do professionally. Freddie glared at me with one cocked eyebrow. I held up my hands in surrender, already backing out of the room. “Okay fine, now that I’ve got everything loaded into the car, I suppose you can sit on the couch while I finish your chores too.”