by Quinn Ward
With the help of a police officer patrolling the subway station, I figured out which lines I needed to take to get to Peter’s job site. The building wasn’t anything like I expected; it was basically a rundown warehouse in an industrial area. Everything changed as I stepped inside and waited at the security desk for the guard to verify that my name was on the list of approved visitors. It took long enough that I was considering turning to leave when I heard a familiar voice. “Freddie? What are you doing here?”
My heart sank as I spun around and laid eyes on the woman who’d so easily walked out of our lives. What stung the most is how good she looked, as if she’d blossomed once she abandoned her obligations. “I’d ask you the same question, but I’m not sure I’d believe the answer anyway.”
When I’d admitted my fear of running into my ex to Peter, never in a million years had I thought it’d be possible they’d work together. My stomach flipped like an out of balance washing machine on the spin cycle, and I started looking for the nearest garbage can, certain I was going to be sick. This was beyond the worst case scenario.
“Is everything okay with Sophia? How did you find me? Is she here with you?” Her questions were rushed, and for a split second, I allowed myself to believe she was sincerely worried about her daughter’s well-being. Well, that sucked for her because if anything had happened to her daughter I’m not sure I could bring myself to tell her. She hadn’t been interested in staying around to see Sophia grow up, so what point was there including her now? She pursed her lips as she waited for me to answer, giving me the first glimpse of the woman who come in and out of our lives more times and I could count.
“Don’t worry, my daughter is fine,” I replied sarcastically, not giving a damn about her crestfallen expression when I referred to Sophia as my child rather than ours. Hell, at this point she was more Peter’s than Angela’s; at least he showed interest in her day-to-day life. “If you must know, I’m here to see a friend.”
“A friend, huh? And you expect me to believe it’s a total coincidence that this so-called friend is working in this building? You really need to come up with more believable lies.” She crossed her arms tightly over her chest and cocked out one hip. It seemed ironic that I was telling her the truth and yet she was convinced I was lying.
Peter chose that exact moment to step around the corner, stalling when he noticed my ex-wife and me in a glaring contest. I waved him over, instinctively sliding a hand around to the small of his back and leaning in to kiss his cheek. I didn’t think anything of it the gesture because Peter told me everyone up here knew he was out and accepted him exactly as he was.
“I’m the friend,” Peter clarified, fitting himself against my side.
“Well, I have to say this is unexpected,” Angela sneered “What? Was I such an evil bitch that you decided to swear off women for good?”
“For your information, I haven’t sworn off women, but I’m bi. I’ve always been bi,” I explained. “And right now, I’m ridiculously happy being with someone who knows how to treat the people he loves instead of a selfish bitch like you.”
Peter’s eyes widened, and his gaze darted between me and Angela as realization hit. He turned, inserting himself in front of me, creating a shield between us. He reached behind his body, placing a hand on my hip. “Angela, I think Michael was looking for you.”
“You think he’s going to be happy in a place like Annandale? Peter’s one of the hottest makeup artists in the city, or he would be if he didn’t ghost people.” She sneered as she gave me a quick down-up gaze. “It won’t be long until he comes back for good.”
“Now Angela,” he commanded a bit more firmly this time. “Unless, of course, you’d like to be replaced by the end of the day. Just think what it would do to have someone of my standing report back to your boss that you were harassing my boyfriend?”
Her mouth gaped like a fish on land, but for once, she thought better of saying anything before running off without so much as a backward glance. It was the side of her I’d gotten used to seeing in the last year of our marriage. At least now I had a bit of clarity as to why she left. When we were younger, it wasn’t uncommon for her to spend her down time doodling on any scrap of paper she could find. Before Sophia, she’d dreamed of moving to New York for fashion school and becoming the next big thing, until the moment two pink lines appeared on that pregnancy tests and both of our lives changed forever.
“Are you okay?” Peter guided me to a small room off to the side, easing me onto the couch. I didn’t even realize until he wrapped his arms around me and rested his head on my shoulder that I was shaking. Whether it was out of anger or shock, I couldn’t be certain. “Talk about your crazy small world coincidences, huh?”
I was so stunned I couldn’t even think of a witty comeback. I sat there shaking my head, anger building inside me as I realized as soon as I told her I wasn’t there because of a problem with Sophia, she hadn’t even asked how her daughter was doing. I’d never understand how someone could be so heartless to completely drop out of their own child’s life. But it was her loss, because someday Sophia would realize what a selfish bitch her mother was, and by then, it be too late to make amends.
“I’ll be fine,” I assured him. “I’m not going to get you in trouble, am I? If you need to get back to work, I’m probably just going to take off. As much as I’d like to see you in action, I’m not sure I can stick around here much longer.”
I was afraid that, if I stayed, I’d see a side of Peter I hadn’t before; the confident, creative makeup artist who had everything he wanted states away from a place I couldn’t leave.
“I understand,” Peter responded sadly, his body sagging against mine. It wasn’t fair to him that I was going to bail on him, but I couldn’t imagine much worse than spending the afternoon on edge, wondering if or when my ex-wife would come walking around the corner.
Not only that, but seeing them the same space, realizing how similar their dreams were, made me doubt Peter and I could ever make a relationship work. The two of them were so alike in some ways I was surprised I hadn’t seen the similarity sooner. They both had dreams they couldn’t achieve as long as I was around acting like an anchor, holding them back. I needed to get away and think about where to go from here because one thing was certain: I couldn’t let myself get any closer to Peter than I already had because I’d constantly wonder when he’d get sick of family life and come rushing back to the city.
“I’m sorry Peter. I know how badly you wanted to spend time together, but it’s not going to work. Maybe another time I can come up and things will be different.” Bile rose in my throat as I said the words, knowing on some level, I wasn’t only talking about today. My mind was so twisted from that short interaction with Angela I doubted everything I’d come to believe in the past few months.
Peter’s voice shook when he spoke. “You’re scaring me Freddie. I don’t know what happened before I walked up, but I need you to promise me you know I’m not her. I could never do to you or Sophia what she did.”
“I know that.” I slid a hand up Peter’s neck and around to cup the back of his head, leaning in for a tender kiss. “But you have to understand, my life isn’t about me anymore. From the minute Sophia was born, she became my first priority. I have to make sure I protect her. After Angela left, Sophia cried herself to sleep every night, asking me why her mommy left. Sophia truly believed that if she hadn’t misbehaved, hadn’t made so many messes, that it would’ve been enough for Angela to stay. She doesn’t understand that sometimes loving someone isn’t enough to hang onto them.”
“But sometimes it is,” he responded without hesitation. “We need to talk about this, but I do need to get back to work. Please tell me you won’t do anything stupid this afternoon. Promise me you’ll be at the apartment when I get home so I can prove that I understand what you’re saying and that you and I have a common goal. And wish me luck, because now that I know who she is, I’m not sure I’ll be able get th
rough the afternoon without decking her. For what it’s worth, I think you dodged a bullet with that one. She’s doing her best to prove that she deserves to be here, but so far she’s managed to piss off just about everyone.”
“That sounds like her,” I responded. Now that I calmed down a bit, I realized I felt nothing but anger when I saw Angela, and it wasn’t anger that she left me, it was all about what she’d done to Sophia. As far as I was concerned, at this point she was nothing but a surrogate who gave me the greatest gift in my life. “No matter how amusing it would be to see you knock her on her ass, don’t do it. She’s not worth it.”
“But you are. And what she did to the two of you is unforgivable.” He held my face in his hands, staring into my eyes. “I can tell you don’t believe me, but you should. My life is better for having you in it. Where she felt like you and Sophia were a burden, you are two of the best blessings I never even thought to ask for. I love you.”
“I love you too.” I kissed him again as we stood, holding him a little tighter, a little longer than normal. I still wasn’t sure how we could get past the wall I’d erected in my mind, but Peter’s request wasn’t unreasonable. “I’m going to head back to your place and take a nap. I’ve got a killer stress headache right now.”
“But you’ll be there later, right?”
“Yeah, I’ll be there when you get home.” Peter walked me to the door of the warehouse, holding my hand the entire way. When I opened the door, he seemed reluctant to let go, as if he still thought this might be our last goodbye. Maybe I was delaying the inevitable, but I couldn’t give up on him just yet.
I wound up getting off the subway a couple stops early, wanting the extra time to roam aimlessly and think. I came across a park that reminded me of the one down the street from our house back in Annandale and sat on a bench, watching a young family play. At first, I’d thought the two men were buddies, but their easy affection said otherwise.
No matter who I wound up with, that was the life they’d have to be willing to live. It wouldn’t be nights spent in dark corners of clubs having public sex, loud music blaring through the house at all hours of the day and night, or coming home at four in the morning from a late-night meal. There were times I convinced myself Peter might be willing to give all of this up for us, but it was something I could never ask of him.
By the time I got back to Peter’s apartment, I was no closer to a compromise in my mind. I laid down in his bed, clutching the pillow that still smelled like him, and resisted the urge to sink into a funk. I’d promised Peter he and I would talk when he got home, so now all there was for me to do was wait.
16
Peter
The rest of the afternoon was a complete shit show. Angela had been a miserable bitch since the moment she walked in this morning and after seeing Freddie and me together she seemed to be on a mission to make my life a living hell. Where I’d been praised for looks I’d created early in the day, now nothing was right. One model’s forehead was too shiny, another looked like they just rolled out of bed according to her. It wasn’t until midafternoon when I decided to cut out the middleman and went directly to Michael, the designer who’d hired me.
“Hello Peter,” he greeted me without taking his focus off the rack of clothes he was shuffling through, mumbling about a particular outfit that no one could find. “It is good to have you back, my friend. I was beginning to think you had retired and did not want to break our hearts.”
“I promise if that ever happens, you’ll be one of the first people I tell.” Michael had always been one of my best clients. He and I came onto the scene around the same time and had helped push one another to the next level over the past two years. “I wanted to touch base with you and hear how you think the shoot’s going.”
“It is good. Very good,” he responded enthusiastically. “Now if only I could find this dress, then everything would be even better. I have no clue what that woman did with it. Ever since she went to lunch, it is like her mind forgot there was still work to do this afternoon.”
Well, shit. The last thing I wanted to do was defend Angela, but it made sense on some level that maybe she was as distracted by the scene when Freddie came in as I was. And I was man enough to admit my mind hadn’t been one hundred percent on the job since I walked Freddie outside. Even though he told me he’d be at the apartment when I got home, I was still worried he’d already be on a train halfway back to Annandale by the time I packed up my gear and caught a train home.
“And you too, my friend.” He curled his fingers around the wardrobe rack and turned to face me. “Are these two things coincidental or did something happen between the two of you when we broke for lunch? If you cannot work with her, I will find someone else.”
“No, no, it’s fine.” Michael and I had never been close enough for me to consider him a friend, so it seemed inappropriate for me to explain to him what had gone down. Besides, doing so would also mean divulging Angela’s personal business, and no matter what I thought of her, I wasn’t going to do that to someone else. “I’m sorry if you’re under the impression I can’t work with one of your assistants. There’s no need for you to find another makeup artist.”
Michael laughed, reaching out to place a hand on my shoulder. “You are a fool if you think I would consider hiring anyone other than you. The replacements you suggested while you were dealing with your family situation were good, but none of them can compare to your skill. You are a gem to our industry. A bit of a diamond in the rough, I think is how they say it. And someday, I will be able to say that I knew you when you were still desperate enough to work for just anyone, even someone as surly as me.”
That was high praise coming from someone like Michael. In the past two years, he’d received a great deal of notice for his avant garde designs, which were in stark contrast to a simpler line he started out with, designed as fashionwear for those who couldn’t afford to pay high-end prices. He and I came from similar backgrounds, and I respected him because he hadn’t allowed his notoriety to pull him away from the issues that mattered to him.
“It is all true,” he insisted. “But I worry about you. I know we do not share our personal woes, but if you need to talk to someone I hope you know you can always talk to me.”
“That means a lot to me. Thanks.” I shifted my weight from one foot to the other as I contemplated whether Michael could be an unbiased sounding board for everything in my mind.
“Today you do not seem yourself. You are still doing a wonderful job, but it seems as though there is somewhere else you would rather be.” He glanced over his shoulder when someone called his name and held up a finger to let them know he’d be along in a minute. “Am I imagining things or are you not happy as you used to be?”
The last thing I wanted was for Michael to think I was ungrateful for the assignment or would rather be somewhere else, even though it was true that my mind wasn’t anywhere in the same area code as I was right now. But this was neither the time nor the place to bare my soul to him. As if to emphasize that thought, the vile bitch herself came teetering down the hall in impractically high heels.
The petty side of my mind mocked her because she looked like a little girl trying to play dress-up. She didn’t fit in here, and in trying to prove she could make it, she took everything just a step too far; her makeup was too heavy and painted on, her skirt too short, her shirt too low-cut, everything was too much. I didn’t miss the way she sneered at me when she realized I was the one talking to her boss, but she quickly schooled her features when Michael turned around.
“Angela, did you find that dress?” She shook her head. “Well if it is not on the rack and it is not in one of the dressing rooms, then it must be back in the workshop. I thought I gave you a list of everything you needed to bring today.”
Angela seemed to shrink back the longer her boss scolded her. Good. He was far too decent of a man to work with someone who had no clue what loyalty meant. “I swear I checked everything off t
he list, but I suppose it’s possible I may have missed one outfit. Do you want me to go back to the studio and see if it’s there?”
Michael stared at her as if she’d grown a second head. It was a stupid question, but I took a step back rather than making a snarky comment. This conversation didn’t pertain to me. He shooed her away and let out an exasperated sigh. “I do not know what I’m going to do with her. She came to me from an agency, and they said she had good references, but sometimes I am not so sure.”
I bit down on my lips to keep from giving my personal opinion, which had nothing to do with her professional skills. “How long has she been working for you?”
“She came to me the week after the last shoot we worked on together. I keep giving her chances because every time I reach my breaking point, it is as if she knows and she starts to get better for a while.” It sounded like this was a common theme in Angela’s life. Well, that was too bad, because I refused to feel sorry for her. “We have a few minutes to sit down while we wait for the models to get ready in the outfits that are here.”
Michael led me over to a lounge area at the far side of the building. Both of us stopped and grabbed a drink before he motioned for me to sit down on the couch.
“Something happened while you are gone.” It wasn’t a question. “You do not have to tell me what is weighing you down, but please know I don’t like seeing you this way. If your heart isn’t into your work, it is going to show in the finished product. Perhaps it is time for you to take a break and reassess whether this is the road you want to take. As you grow older, sometimes your priorities change; what you thought you always wanted can wind up holding you back from what you truly need.”