by Viragh, Brea
I wasn’t used to such decadent passion. Having never experienced it before, I was determined to hold tight to the feeling, all my strength and energy previously attached to my heart now flowing into him. At this rate I would be drained. I didn’t care.
Inner romantic was speechless as well.
I should have known it would come to this. Nothing was as easy as it appeared. Having a taste was not going to get rid of the ache, the desire. It alleviated none of the pain of knowing Duncan could never be mine.
This was dangerous. He made me burn for him, the forbidden taste hot and heady.
Perhaps I was a great deal like the mother I’d been desperate to outrun.
I broke away from Duncan, nibbling my lower lip and short of breath. “We can’t do this,” I reiterated, pulse hammering away. Bracing myself against the door, I turned my back to him, wishing my balance would return. I needed a clear head so I could find the right words to say.
Duncan captured my chin, forcing me to look at him, and the struggle was clear. He moved to my side in the beat of a bird’s wing, settling his grip on my shoulders. “I know.”
“We can’t be together.”
“Leda—”
I let loose the one thought I could not contain. “You have your choice. And I have mine.” I trailed my fingers along the side of his forearm, feeling the strength hidden beneath soft golden skin. “I’ve already been compromised.”
“I know, and I’m sorry.” The pads of his thumbs drew circles where he held me and I leaned into the contact. “There’s nothing casual about this.”
My mind reached for logic even when my heart failed to grasp the severity of the situation. I needed to let him go; I could not, in all rationality, be the destruction of my own path to happiness. I’d get nowhere running in place and waiting for him. Or sitting idly by while the rumors of small-minded townspeople impacted my business.
“I’m sorry, Duncan.” I broke contact and made to move across the room.
“Don’t walk away.” The words growled out from between clenched teeth. He moved to grab my arm and draw me back to him. “I need to know what we are to each other. What we could be, and I’m not leaving until I have an answer. Tell me what to do.”
I lifted each finger until he lost his hold on me. “We don’t need to make this harder than it has to be. There are outside circumstances here. We can’t be with each other because you have Isabel.”
“You want to justify it by bringing her here?” he asked.
“She’s always here.”
Make no mistake, I felt her between us. In his kindest moment, in my darkest hours, Isabel was always here. I would wait for Duncan, because there would never be another like him as long as I drew breath. But I waited in vain because men seldom left their wives. Soon-to-be or otherwise.
I wiped my mouth on the back of my hand. Still feeling him there. “I’ll show you to the door.”
Duncan inclined his head and followed me without a word. To prove to myself I could, I held the screen open and watched him take a step toward the front stoop.
I was unprepared when he turned around to capture me one last time. A single massage of skin on skin before he halted the contact.
“I can’t say I’m sorry for this,” he muttered against me. “I wish the timing were better.”
The moment he got back in the car I was toast. I dropped to the floor and wished he were right. The timing should have been better. Didn’t we deserve it?
I’d tried to tell myself no, to put forth the effort into forgetting how I felt toward Duncan and move on with my life. But by the time we finally kissed, the reality of my feelings was cemented. There would be no forgetting, no moving on. I’d given myself to him in a real and solid way. There was no way out, no going back.
Groggy, I walked into the kitchen to drown my sorrows in bread and cheese. The meal plummeted into my stomach, lying there like so much unnecessary baggage.
Duncan’s appearance today had forced me to recognize my own vulnerabilities. Those tiny weaknesses that didn’t always have a defense.
What would my father think of me now?
I bit into my lower lip, squeezing my eyes shut against the outcome I’d fought against since I turned eleven. My breath caught and held. Expecting the pain when it came. I wanted to pretend good intentions made up for small indiscretions. But somehow I didn’t think it mattered in the grand scheme of things.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
I traversed the stairs leading up to the hotel room, my heart pulsed into panic attack territory. Each step felt like I walked on a tightrope. A single wrong move and I would fall over the edge.
“Breathe and tell him it’s done,” I muttered to myself. “It was fun while it lasted, but you are not going to tolerate this nonsense anymore. It was wrong from the start and you need to think about yourself for a change. Do what’s best for your bakery. Your future. There’s no future with a married man.”
Sure, Esme and Bill had rave reviews from their anniversary party. But I’d yet to receive any more custom orders for baked goods. And forget about working for Essie. That ship sailed so long ago it was lying at the bottom of the ocean with the Titanic.
My hand paused inches above the wood, ready to knock, pulse echoing beneath my skin. The twitch of a horse’s hide. My stomach gurgled in a threatening way that had me slapping a hand across my mouth.
I’m a big girl. And big girls handle their messes. With the thought firmly in place, I let loose the fist and knocked.
Duncan took his time answering, lifting the latch and lock. Buttery light spilled out of the crack before he opened the door to me.
“I was thinking about you,” he said without preface. “Come inside.” He wore pajama bottoms and a comfortable t-shirt. The material stretched around the strong, defined muscles of his upper arms.
Scurrying inside, I found the door swung shut behind me, the blood draining from my head at the sight of him. He was sex and sin wrapped into a single package. My lady parts, along with inner romantic, shot out of slumber to hoot and make their desires known.
Would I ever tire of the feeling? Of catching a glimpse and wanting to faint from my desire for him?
Duncan turned and took a good look at me. I knew the picture I presented, tumbled hair and curves beneath a clingy white top and shorts. There was a vague, glassy look in his eyes.
“I wanted to tell you. We had another fight,” he continued. “Isabel went to stay at the house. She’s not here.”
I knew already. I felt her absence like the proverbial wedge between us had been stripped away. “I’m sorry.”
Duncan let out what may have been laughter, running his hands along his chin. “I can’t even remember what it was about. Probably makes me a bad person, but we’ve had so many fights. They all blur together into a big ball of ‘I don’t want to deal with it.’ I shouldn’t be happy she’s gone, but I am. I’m too damn happy.”
I opened my mouth to speak but he continued his train of thought while pacing. “I am happy, you know. Somewhere along the line I lost all joy in her company. And I couldn’t see it. Sometimes I even imagine being alone again. It seems like those are the sweetest dreams. I don’t know why I haven’t said anything. This relationship was done before we packed our final bag and got in the moving van.”
“Alone?” I croaked. There was nothing to do with my hands. I fiddled with the hem of my shorts before I felt the heat of his attention on the area. I forced my fists to my hips and willed them to stay. At once I remembered the day of the party. Heady summer days when the world still felt safe. Normal.
“Maybe not alone,” Duncan amended. “But I imagine what it would be like without Isabel.” He groaned, letting his head drop backward. “I’m a horrible person.”
I needed to speak before I lost my nerve. Before I found myself encouraging him to leave Isabel so I could have him. I wanted to say those words, and felt my lips forming the necessary consonants and vowels. At last I came o
ut with, “Duncan, we need to stop what we’re doing. It isn’t right.”
The best of intentions gone awry.
“Believe me, I know.” With a groan he sank to the bed, bouncing. “I’ve been beating myself up about it for days. Even before the kiss.”
As had I. I’d gone back and forth over what to say to him. Or if I should say anything at all. Wasn’t there some cliché about letting sleeping dogs lie? I couldn’t focus on my work, lost a customer when I cut her hair too short because I wasn’t paying attention. And for what? A single smooch had turned me into a blithering idiot. It had to stop.
“I don’t want to sound like a jerk, but I went into this for different reasons, and now...” I trailed off, clutching my shorts, feet rooted to the floor. “Now I know I need to do what’s right. Instead of just saying it without following through.”
“Which is?”
“We can’t be friends anymore. I’m serious this time.” It killed me to say it, a flash of searing agony constricting my muscles. I sent up a prayer for help, a plea if you will to have the strength to say what I needed to say and make it stick. The possibility of not seeing him felt like a death sentence. “It’s better for both of us if I walk away.”
Why did relationships have to be so complicated?
“You want to stop being friends?” His face dropped, darkened.
“Yes.”
“I know it’s the best answer for everyone,” Duncan said, “but I would rather gouge out my eyes than not see or speak to you.”
I didn’t swallow the dry chuckle. “As horrible as it sounds, I had the same thought. Which is why I haven’t brought it up until now. Until you...we...you know.”
The memory returned, still sharp. The ever-present tingle began in my uterus and traveled along my arms and legs until it was all I could do to block it out.
“I don’t want to have to choose between my fiancée and my friend, although you and I both know—”
“There’s more here.” I set my clutch down on the dresser before moving to sit beside him on the bed. A punishment of sorts. “I’m sorry, Duncan. I shouldn’t have let it get this far.”
“Let’s calm down for a minute, Leda, before you start placing blame.” His palm landed heavy over mine.
This is what dying feels like, I thought to myself. Sitting close to the person you loved, feeling their skin on yours, and knowing it had come to an end. I’d put myself in the position before, happy to break hearts and move along to another because none of them mattered. They were distant, foggy memories compared to Duncan. He, I knew, would last forever.
“The blame has already been placed. It’s a fact.”
“I don’t know what you mean.”
I cursed August for getting me involved. Cursed myself for continuing once I realized the consequences. Family be damned, I was in a tough spot. Toying with our combined fingers, I wondered where my strength had gone. Once upon a time it would have been easy to send him packing. Hesitation now was pure masochism.
“It’s my fault, Duncan. Do you not understand?” I tightened my grip on him before releasing. “I came between you and your future and jeopardized my own in the process.”
“What if it’s not the future I want anymore?” Duncan shifted until he faced me and our knees knocked together. “Have you thought about that possibility?”
I shook my head. “I have. But you don’t know the whole truth.”
“You mean the part about August bringing you into this to distract me? I’d have to be stupid not to see it. I already knew, Leda.”
Hold on. Wait a minute.
“Go back,” I demanded, “because you lost me.” For a moment there were no words, the room dead silent. The air was too thick and I struggled to breathe.
Duncan quirked a single brow. “Come on. Like I can’t see the way he looks at Isabel. Pushing you on me was a logical step. I know his kind of game, and I’ve seen it done a thousand times.”
“I’m sorry, Duncan.” I bit my lip hard enough to leave an impression. “I didn’t realize it would go so far. I never wanted to hurt you, or anyone else.”
“Hush.” He stopped the flow with a single word. Less than a yell and more than a whisper, with all the potency of both. “You are a kind woman. I wouldn’t have continued to talk to you if I couldn’t see who you really are.”
“I went into it for good reasons. But now I feel like shit.” I spoke to the hand he held still. “I was denied the loan because of how much time we spent together.”
Duncan shook me gently. “Every forward step has been mine and I take full responsibility for them. Do you understand?” A second shake had me nodding. “I’m the one who pressed, even when I saw your hesitation. The fault lies with me and I don’t want you to forget it. I am so sorry about the loan. I’ll do everything in my power to make it right. You...you aren’t like your mother.”
“But I am.” Wrenching my fingers from his grip, I surged to my feet. There was nowhere to turn so I faced the wall instead of him. “I knew what I was doing the whole time, and because I wanted August to be happy, I continued. Now you’re hurt, Isabel is hurt, my reputation is in the grave, and all I can think about is how much I love you.”
That last part just slipped out. I slapped a hand over my mouth, too late. “I...I didn’t mean...”
An enigmatic look fell over Duncan’s face. I almost saw the wheels and cogs clicking inside his head before he rose. “Leda—”
“Don’t concern yourself with my feelings, okay, Duncan?” There was a tickle inside my chest, scratching like a caged cat to get out. I studied his face before turning back to the wall. “I’m stepping out and you can go on with your tidy plans for the future. You can go forward with your marriage, with my blessing.”
I strode toward the door, surprised when he clamped down on my arm and jerked me back. “You’re walking away?” Duncan demanded. “You’re going to drop a bombshell on me and disappear like it’s nothing? Because some redneck assholes have been talking?”
“It’s not just because of those redneck assholes. You still don’t get it! My bakery is at stake if I stay. This bullshit has already impacted my salon business too, my sole source of income. I overstepped my bounds and I won’t do it again.”
He turned me around to face him, stepping closer. “It’s all fixable, Leda. Why are you acting this way?”
My palms were clammy, but I stood my ground. “Duncan, let go of me, please. It will be easier for everyone involved if I get out of the equation and let you go through with your engagement. Then I can pick up the pieces of my life and try to find another way to get my bakery. Everything will be right with the world.”
“Easier for who? You’ve got a lot of nerve coming in here tonight and trying to pick a fight with me.”
“This would be easier if it were a fight,” I insisted. “I came here to end our relationship and I plan on doing so.”
“I don’t have a say in it?” Duncan’s eyes sparked fire. “Even when I plan to talk to Isabel in the morning and end things with her?”
I stopped. “I don’t want you to live your life looking over your shoulder and wondering.”
His lips twitched. “Wondering...?”
“Wondering why you left your safe and comfortable relationship for someone like me. No, I won’t be responsible for it. The curiosity would start to eat away at you. I’m telling you now, it will be better for everyone in the long run.”
“Leda, you know what your problem is?”
“What?”
“You talk too damn much.”
He skimmed his fingers through my hair as his lips crushed against mine. It was Duncan who moaned, who urged the kiss higher with a hot spark of hunger. I didn’t want to let myself believe. Not even when he made the first move and pushed my resolve back into dormancy.
Now I could sense his desire.
I wanted to feel the strength of him pressed against me. The length of his hard, masculine torso traveling along my own
. Duncan indulged me with both.
Our tongues danced together, the motion broken by the occasional teasing nip of teeth. Inner romantic did not need to drive this time. She took the backseat when I regained control. There was an impatient thrill to the liaison. Duncan’s heart pounded against my own and aches burst to life inside of me. I wanted more.
Quiet murmurs of need hummed in my throat when he drew me up, my mind indulging in every erotic fantasy I’d entertained in passing.
“Leda,” Duncan said breathlessly, breaking the kiss. “I want you so fucking much.” Those dark eyes were filled with lust and promises of pleasure. In one fluid move, he slid the shirt over my head and tossed it to the bed. “Oh, you are beautiful.”
I squirmed against him, quivered at the darkening of his gaze, and stepped closer to wind my arms around his neck. He was hot, slick temptation, and I couldn’t stop what happened next.
“I want you too,” I whispered. “Please, Duncan.”
Somewhere along the line, he’d gotten hold of my hair again, twining the strands around his fingers.
“God forgive me for what might happen.”
He lunged forward and nipped at my jaw, my knees turning to water. I would have fallen had he not held me up, swinging me around until I was trapped in the cage of his arms.
“Shut up and touch me.”
If we were going to Hell for this, then I wanted to enjoy the ride. Otherwise it wasn’t worth the cost of admission. His hands dropped to my hips and he jerked me closer until I stood on tiptoes. His mouth crushed mine, my last thoughts falling away into oblivion.
Being with Duncan was everything I wanted and more. It was trying to keep hold of a tornado, knowing if I slipped into the vortex I’d be lost. My skin was hot and flushed when he ran his mouth along the curves of my collarbone.
I was desperate, my head buried in the crook of his shoulder, soft sounds of surrender stuck in my throat. Urging him forward, I dragged his shirt off as buttons snapped like tiny firecrackers.
Jeez, I felt like a horny teenager. Letting my hormones do the talking. I wanted his hands all over me. Longing sliced through me and left pieces exposed, raw. Ready.