by Jackson Lear
“And you wanted to end up just like him?”
“No. Just after I turned fourteen I ran away from the orphanage. Tried to join the army. Was turned away for being too young and too scrawny. They told me to come back as soon as I turned fifteen. I nearly did. Then someone kidnapped my friend and the idea of going AWOL from the army to find her didn’t seem all that appealing.”
Jarmella shook her head in disbelief. “You nearly joined the army? You could’ve been a lieutenant by now.”
“Nope. Not a citizen. I could’ve been a sergeant. Nearly served under General Renair. Glad that I didn’t.”
“Why not serve under General Kasera?”
“I didn’t want to stay in Erast.”
Jarmella nodded. Plodded along. “Kiera wasn’t just some friend, was she?”
“I like you Jarmella, but you’re pushing it.”
“Well, I’m dying of cold and starvation and frequently having to put my life in your hands, so you owe me. Was she your girlfriend?”
“No.”
“Secret wife?”
“We were fourteen when she disappeared.”
“So? I married my best friend when I was thirteen. It was annulled as soon as my parents found out about it but I still consider her my wife.”
“It’s not Jessica, is it?”
“Ah, you so you were paying attention when Saskia was taunting me. That was us. Jarmella and Jessica. Practically joined at the hip our whole lives. Sat next to her every day in school. Then she started getting sick.”
“Is she okay?”
“No.” Jarmella put on a brave smile and did what she could to bury any anguish within her. “Her brother has leprosy. She hid him, took care of him, but … last I heard she wasn’t doing too well either. I guess someone found them and dragged them both to a colony.”
“Just because Saskia said that, doesn’t mean it’s true.”
Jarmella shrugged with no way of knowing who was telling the truth or not. “You know what I don’t get? How does someone as cruel as Draegor remain in power for so long?”
“By convincing others that he’s the only one who can protect them. Do you know why most overthrown despots are executed and not confined to some chamber for the rest of their natural lives? Because everything they did was justified. Sure, they might’ve killed thousands of people, but how many people’s lives were improved because of that? Everyone in their circle, definitely, and that’s as far as they usually look. I guarantee you Draegor cared for, at most, three people in his life. At some point, they would’ve been friends or more, then as time went on his cruelty became too much to ignore and they became trapped. They saw him turn on people who out stayed their usefulness. Since there was a chance they would be turned on as well, they had no choice but to tell him what he wanted to hear. They learned to feed his ego, to wash away his mistakes and were able to convince him that his cruelty against some is for the greater good of most. People like him don’t even fear the afterlife, they’ll simply leave enough money to someone so that they will pray for his safe passage to whichever asshole god lets him in. And he’s the king, so he could give his wealth to literally anyone in his kingdom and it would guarantee a long life after death.”
Jarmella hesitated. I couldn’t tell if it was because she was exhausted or because she was nervous about asking me. “What was it like? Killing him?”
“Fairly chaotic.”
“No, not: ‘what was the fight like?’” She tapped me on my chest. “What was it like to kill him?”
“Justice.”
“That’s it? One word? One word to describe the demise of our mission here, a king who ruled for forty years and the death of a man you met only hours before.” Jarmella plodded along.
“Here’s a warning: soldiers with consciences don’t live for long.”
“Yes we do. Have you ever killed the wrong person?”
“Of course.”
Her eyes snapped open as wide as they could go. “Wow, you’re really so cold that you’re not going to soften the blow?”
“For what purpose? You’re a trained killer. So am I. And after twenty years of professionally terrorizing people things do go wrong once in a while.”
“Did you ever make amends?”
“That’s a slippery road, that one.”
“How? If you know you made a mistake …”
“You can’t be a respected mercenary and a pushover. It doesn’t work.”
She was about to retort. Thought better of it and closed her mouth.
“You don’t think mercenaries can be respected?”
“I didn’t say that.”
I drew in a deep breath. Searched the weary faces of the vanguard around us. Groaned. “I’m aware there are innocent people closely connected to everyone I go after. Once we sabotaged a bridge to stop an army from making it across. It also stopped the civilians from escaping. I’ve chased down people who had managed to turn their life around. Sometimes they get a pass. Mostly they don’t.”
“How does that not bother you?”
“Because I do my best to only kill those who deserve to be killed. Others will say differently. You know what Draegor did? Killed people who deserved to be killed. We say differently. What does General Kasera do? Kills people who deserve to be killed. Desdola? Well, she’s getting there.”
“I think there’s more to it than that.”
“Let’s hope so. I should introduce you to Alysia. You two would get along.”
“She’s too far above my station.”
“She doesn’t bite.”
“I … still can’t.”
“How about you start with a handshake?”
“That would be nice.” We plodded along. “Wait, what do you mean Desdola’s getting there?”
“I mean she won’t do the killing herself but she hasn’t hesitated in sending vampire after vampire to kill us.”
We walked on. Jarmella slowly working through whatever was going on inside her head. “Wait, you’re coming with us, right?”
“To Ice Bridge, yeah.”
She stopped. Gripped my forearm. “And what happens after that? Are you going to dump us on a ship like you did with Miss Kasera Lavarta?”
Adalyn stopped beside us. “What’s going on?”
“Tell me,” said Jarmella.
So I did. “This ends with Desdola.”
Jarmella’s face dropped, awash with betrayal. “You can’t.”
“I’m going to.”
“No, you might be good but you won’t survive that alone.”
Odalis stopped as well. “What’s going on?”
Adalyn mumbled beside us. “Raike’s going on to Brilskeep without us.”
“And it’s suicide,” said Jarmella.
“I’ll go with him,” said Odalis.
“Me too,” said Elgrid. Where the hell he appeared from I have no idea.
“No,” I said. “Everyone here is still under Loken’s charge – unless he’s dead. I’m not.”
Several members of the vanguard stopped, searched Jarmella, waiting to see if she was going to arrest me, release me on my own, or command everyone to head into battle alongside me. “I can’t risk our lives to help you do this. It’ll be a slaughter.”
“I know. I will help you get to Ice Bridge but after that I’m going to have to find my own way back.”
“After everything we’ve just been through?”
“She’s a loose end.”
Jarmella pulled back, releasing my arm. “Is that really more important to you than all of us put together?”
All around me the hanging bodies of Día started to grin, goading me into going after her. “More than you know.”
Chapter Forty-Six
Leif returned with a hare. Small pickings for an hour of hunting. Even smaller since he wasn’t the only hunter. Some of the northerners stoked a fire while the rest of us remained too wired to be of any real use. Half of Agnarr’s people tore off some leaves. Munche
d them. The vanguard followed suit, hoping that it would fill their stomachs. Most of them shivered, unable to deal with the cold and hunger and lack of sleep all at once. Bellies rumbled. Humors died.
A minute ago most of the vanguard were still awake. Now they all had their eyes closed, leaning back to back or against a tree. No one was on guard. They had all let their attention slip. Most of the northerners were done as well. Only the fourteen year old Ithka and two guys stoking the fire seemed to be alive with energy.
The fire cracked, jolting Gaynun back to reality. He eased his grip on his sword and stared across the exhausted faces surrounding him. A couple more shook themselves awake, trying to not fall asleep while so close to the bottom of the mountain.
Jarmella helped me with Saskia’s stretcher. Set her down at the head of the crowd. “This way?”
The vampire snarled at us.
Menrihk held the seeing rod up to one eye. “I have no idea what she keeps pointing at but it’s definitely not towards Ice Bridge. It’s nothing but snow-covered mountain and trees.”
“She’s leading us into a trap,” said Jarmella.
Behind us Otario thumped Magnus in the arm.
“Hey!”
“Hey yourself.”
“Cut it out,” said Adalyn.
“He called me an asshole,” said Otario.
“No, I said you were acting like one.”
“Same fucking thing!”
Jarmella turned around. “Otario? Magnus? Pipe down.”
“Tell him that!”
“I’m telling you both.”
“I didn’t do anything!”
“Magnus! For fuck’s sake we’re not in the barracks anymore. Keep your voice down.”
Otario and Magnus seethed in silence, giving themselves a solid ten seconds before Magnus slapped Otario in the arm. “There. We’re even.”
“Magnus! What the fuck are you doing?”
“You said to keep your voice down!”
Jarmella stormed over, shaking visibly for everyone to see. “I’m cutting your rations. Both of you.”
“What?”
“I didn’t do anything!” said Otario.
“No? The both of you goaded each other into this. You two get zero rations until sundown. If anyone gives these two any food they too will face the same consequences.”
Silence settled among the troops as everyone glared at everyone else. Jarmella returned to the front of the pack. Saskia chuckled to herself from under her gag. “… erik … all alone because of you.”
Jarmella’s eyes glazed over.
“All alone …”
Until she snapped, slapping Saskia hard across the face before shrieking back in fright. Saskia had been ready for it, tried to bite Jarmella but missed. Jarmella froze, realizing just how close she came to making a stupid mistake, then turned, thumped into the trees, and disappeared from sight.
Torunn looked my way. “There’s more than just vampires out here.”
“Vanguard? Who’s next in line?”
They turned nervously to each other. “Odalis, sir.”
“Odalis? You’re in charge until we get back.”
“Okay,” he muttered. “Everyone on Saskia. Archers on watch.”
“Hey!”
“Well if you hadn’t have punched each other then we could’ve been a little fairer about this, but no. Archers on watch. Everyone else gets five minutes.”
I went to make sure Jarmella wasn’t about to do anything stupid. Found her squatting behind a tree. “You okay?”
“Shit! What?” She rose quickly, tucking her elbows in around her bare waist. I turned around. She resumed relieving herself. “Great. Right into my trousers …”
I heard her rummage around for some leaves.
“You could’ve announced yourself,” said Jarmella.
“Yeah, I’ve been told I’m quite light-footed.”
“No kidding. Scared me half to death.” She rose. Buckled up. Wiped her hands on the rough bark.
“Marking your territory?”
“Very funny. What are you doing here?”
“Checking up on you.”
She spread her arms out wide. “Well, here I am.”
“Good. Shall we head back to the rest of the troops?”
She sunk low in her stance. “Would you have come to check on Otario or Magnus if either of them had gone off to pee?”
“You’re the first to storm off alone.”
She held one hand against a tree, steadying her balance.
“You okay?”
“Dizzy.” She squatted back down to stop herself from falling over. By the time I helped her up her eyes had turned into a splotchy red, complete with an exhausted slow-blink. “I just want to sleep.”
“Me too.”
She propped her back against the trunk. “How do you do it? I mean, you were going to get a guide and climb a mountain with just the two of you, not stopping or resting. You were going to do it in two days after being stabbed in the heart – and I know you were pretty much healed straight away, but even so – was that just grandstanding or did you honestly believe you could do it?”
“At the time I believed I could do it.”
“And not only that but ambush a hundred riders to rescue Loken?”
“I wasn’t going to attack the riders by myself. I was going to see if Loken was still alive and still human, follow them to wherever they took him, and play it by ear from there.”
“So you really believe you could’ve done it?”
“Yeah.”
“Based on what, the size of your balls?”
“Based on me doing this for a living. I’ve done vampires, mountains, the cold, and trusting former enemies before. It’s always been a pain in the ass and it took a very long time before I was good at it, but I like that I’m good at it. I like other people who are good at it too. You’re one of them.”
She didn’t have the strength to even smile. “Thanks. You’re lying, but thanks.”
“It’s true. You landed ass-backwards into command and you rose to the challenge.”
“Really? I’m surprised no one told you. I’ve commanded before. It didn’t go well.”
“In the field?”
“Yeah. An eight man squad. It went so badly no one’s trusted me with that many people again in four years.”
“What happened?”
“They made fun of me and I couldn’t control them.”
“But now’s your moment. You’ve done well.”
She rested her head back against the tree. Closed her eyes. “We practiced for ages for this.”
“Yeah, it’s different staying up for three days straight in a training exercise compared to three days straight in enemy territory when they’re actively hunting you. But you’ve kept it together for this long without a mutiny.”
She rolled her eyes at me.
“I wasn’t being mutinous. Don’t beat yourself up for being human. That doesn’t do anyone any good.”
Jarmella dropped her chin to her chest, her attention drifting away and oblivious to everything around her. “We’re surrounded by enemies, starving and freezing to death, watching the people around us die slowly and horribly … how do you keep going without completely losing your shit?”
“You know that everything around us is temporary, right? Soon we won’t be cold. Soon we won’t be hungry. Soon we will be able to close our eyes and rest uninterrupted. With any luck it’ll be because we’re back at Commander Lavarta’s fort in front of a roaring fire, a boar on a spit, and a bed awaiting us.”
She fell into the quietest murmur I’d heard yet. “I think you should take over.”
“Nice try, but no. I’m not a soldier.”
“Neither are we. Not right now, at least. We’re not in uniform, we’re not authorized to do this, we are absent without leave from Erast and if caught we have no legal justification for anything we do up here. This is the clearest case of a phoenix operation I’ve ever
seen. We’re de-facto mercenaries with an actual mercenary lieutenant who can guide us. You may not have given any of us explicit orders but we’ve been following your command for days. You’re our lieutenant. I’m your sergeant. I got everyone this far, but …” She trailed off, her eyes falling shut again.
I nudged her. She jolted awake. “We all have a better chance of surviving up here if we stick to the jobs we’re good at.”
“You’ve never led before?”
“I have, but the captain has to always stay behind and send the right person out to do the job. I don’t know your tactics and training as well as you lot. You need an insider. You can do this.” She gave me a feeble smile and didn’t believe a single word I said.
“You just don’t want to, is that it?”
My feet were killing me. My eyeballs stung with a blistering headache. My whole body was slick with nausea. Yet the idea of going home now disappointed me more than being stranded up here until the snow thawed. “How many officers are in Kasera’s army?”
Confusion rained over her. “I don’t know. There are four cohorts, each with a commander and six lieutenants plus the two hundred-strong vanguard itself which has its own … well, had its own lieutenant. Might still if we hurry. Why?”
“Do they each have the ear of the general?”
“Probably.”
“What would happen if I tell any of them to go fuck themselves?”
“Nothing good.”
“Exactly. They no doubt pride themselves on being officers in one of the finest armies in the world and see mercenaries as cold blooded killers, thugs, thieves, rapists, drunks, and degenerates. These officers have spent years earning their place in the world and the new guy with a reputation for stab first ask questions later comes in with no military training, no army experience, no consideration for their rules of engagement, and no respect for Ispar at all. He’s never taken the vows. He’s proven himself to be disloyal and reckless and the only reason he agreed to join the Kaseras was because he was broke. Do you know what happens to people who come in at the middle without paying their dues? Nothing good. In all likelihood I’m going to need to be taught some manners. Let’s spend five years out in gods know where not as an advisor but as a new recruit. Let’s give me a spear and a shield and threaten me with a beheading if I ever choose to leave or whip me if I tell a sixteen year old lieutenant that his plan won’t work because I’ve done this a dozen times before and he hasn’t.”