by F. Anstey
CHAPTER I.
_Extremes Meet._
SCENE--_An Excursion Agent's Offices. Behind the counters polite and patient Clerks are besieged by a crowd of Intending Tourists, all asking questions at once._
FIRST INTENDING TOURIST. Here--have you made out that estimate for meyet?
CLERK. In one moment, Sir. (_He refers to a list, turns over innumerablebooks, jots down columns of francs, marks, and florins; reduces them toEnglish money, and adds them up._) First class fares on the Rhine,Danube and Black Sea steamers, I think you said, second class rail, andpostwagen?
FIRST INT. T. I did say so, I believe; but you had better make it secondclass all through, and I can always pay the difference if I want to.
[_The_ CLERK _alters the sums accordingly, and adds up again._
CLERK. Fifty-five pounds fourteen and a penny, Sir. Shall I make you outthe tickets now?
FIRST INT. T. Um, no. On second thoughts, I'd like to see one of yourshort Circular Tours for the English Lakes, or Wales, before I decide.
[_The_ CLERK _hands him a quantity of leaflets, with which he retires._
_Enter_ MR. CLARENDON CULCHARD, _age about twenty-eight; in Somerset House; tall; wears glasses, stoops slightly, dresses carefully, though his tall hat is of the last fashion but two. He looks about him expectantly, and then sits down to wait._
CULCHARD (_to himself_). No sign of him yet! I _do_ like a man to keepan appointment. If this is the way he _begins_--I have my doubts whetherhe is _quite_ the sort of fellow to--but I took the precaution to askHugh Rose about him, and Rose said he was the best company in the world,and I couldn't help getting on with him. I don't think Rose woulddeceive me. And from all I've seen of Podbury, he seems a pleasantfellow enough. What a Babel! All these people bent on pleasure, going toseek it in as many directions--with what success no one can predict.There's an idea for a sonnet there.
[_He brings out a pocket-book, and begins to write--"As when a----"_
AN AMURRCAN CITIZEN (_to_ CLERK). See here, I've been around with yourtickets in Yurrup, and when I was at Vernis, I bought some goods at astore there, and paid cash down for 'em, and they promised to send 'emon for me right here, and that was last fall, and I've never heard anymore of 'em, and what I want _you_ should do now is to instruct yourrepresentative at Vernis to go round and hev a talk with that man, andask him what in thunder he means by it, and kinder hint that he'll hevthe Amurrcan Consul in his hair pretty smart, if he don't look slippier!
[_The_ CLERK _mildly suggests that it would be better to communicate directly with the American Consulate, or with the tradesman himself._
THE A. C. But hold on--how'm I goin' to write to that sharp, when I'velost his address, and disremember his name? Can't you mail a fewparticulars to your agent, so he'll identify him? No? (_Disappointed._)Well, I thought you'd ha' fixed up a little thing like that, anyhow; inmy country they'd ha' done it right away. Yes, _Sir_!
[_He goes away in grieved surprise._
_Enter_ MR. JAMES PODBURY, _age twenty-six; in a City Office; short, fresh-coloured, jaunty; close-cut dark hair. Not having been to the City to-day, he is wearing light tweeds, and brown boots._
Yes, Sir]
PODBURY (_to himself_). Just nicked it--(_looks at clock_)--more orless. And he doesn't seem to have turned up yet. Wonder how we shall hitit off together. Hughie Rose said he was a capital good chap--when youonce got over his manner. Anyhow, it's a great tip to go abroad with afellow who knows the ropes. (_Suddenly sees_ CULCHARD _absorbed in hisnote-book_.) So _here_ you are, eh?
CULCH. (_slightly scandalized by the tweeds and the brown boots_). Yes,I've been here some little time. I wish you could have managed to comebefore, because they close early here to-day, and I wanted to gothoroughly over the tour I sketched out before getting the tickets.
[_He produces an elaborate outline._
PODB. (_easily_). Oh, _that's_ all right! I don't care where _I_ go! AllI want is, to see as much as we can in the time--leave all the rest toyou. I'll sit here while you get the tickets.
AN OLD LADY (_to_ CLERK, _as_ CULCHARD _is waiting at the counter_). Oh,I _beg_ your pardon, but _could_ you inform me if the 1.55 train fromCalais to Basle stops long enough for refreshments anywhere, and wherethey examine the luggage, and if I can leave my hand-bag in thecarriage, and whether there is an English service at Yodeldorf, and isit held in the hotel, and Evangelical, or High Church, and are thesittings free, and what Hymn-book they use?
[_The_ CLERK _sets her mind free on as many of these points as he can, and then attends to_ CULCHARD.
CULCH. (_returning to_ PODBURY _with two cases bulging with books ofcoloured coupons_). Here are yours. I should like you to run your eyeover them, and see that they are correct, if you don't mind.
PODB. (_stuffing them in his pocket_). Can't be bothered now. Take yourword for it.
CULCH. No--but considering that we start the first thing to-morrowmorning, wouldn't it be as well to have some idea of where you're going?And, by the way, excuse me, but is it altogether prudent to keep yourtickets in an outside pocket like that? I always keep mine, with mymoney, in a special case in an inner pocket, with a buttoned flap--thenI know I _can't_ lose them.
PODB. Anything for a quiet life! (_He examines his coupons._) Dover toOstend? Never been there--like to see what Ostend's like. But why didn'tyou go by Calais?--_shorter_, you know.
CULCH. Because I thought we'd see Bruges and Ghent on our way toBrussels.
PODB. Bruges, eh? Capital! Anything particular going on there? No? Itdon't matter. And Ghent--let's see, wasn't that where they brought thegood news from? Yes, we'll stop at Ghent--if we've time. Then--Brussels?Good deal of work to be done there, I suppose, sightseeing, and that? Ilike a place where you can moon about without being bothered myself;now, at _Brussels_--never mind, I was only thinking.
CULCH. It's the best place to get to Cologne and up the Rhine from.Then, you see, we go rather out of our way to Nuremberg----
PODB. Where they make toys? _I_ know--pretty festive there, eh?
CULCH. I don't know about festive--but it is--er--a quaint, and highlyinteresting old place. Then I thought we'd dip down to Constance, andstrike across the Alps to the Italian Lakes.
PODB. Italian Lakes? First-rate! Yes, _they're_ worth seeing, I suppose.Think they're better than the _Swiss_ ones, though?
CULCH. (_tolerantly_). I can get the coupons changed for Switzerland ifyou prefer it. The Swiss Lakes may be the more picturesque.
PODB. Yes, we'll do Switzerland--and run back by Paris, eh? Not much todo in Switzerland, though, after all!
CULCH. (_with a faintly superior smile_). There are one or twomountains, I believe. But, personally, I should prefer Italy.
PODB. So should I. No fun in mountains--unless you go up 'em. What doyou think of choosing some quiet place, where nobody ever goes--say inFrance or Germany--and, sticking to _that_. More of a rest, wouldn't itbe? such a bore having to know a lot of people!
CULCH. I don't see how we can change _all_ the tickets, really. If youlike, we could stop a week at St. Goarshausen.
PODB. What's St. Goarshausen like--cheery?
CULCH. I understood the idea was to keep away from our fellowcountrymen, and as far as I can remember St. Goarshausen, it is notoverrun with tourists--we should be quiet enough _there_.
PODB. That's the place for _me_, then. Or could we push on to Vienna?Never seen Vienna.
CULCH. If you like to give up Italy altogether.
PODB. What do you say to _beginning_ with Italy and working back? Toohot, eh? Well, then, we'll let things be as they are--I dare say it willdo well enough. So _that's_ settled!
CULCH. (_to himself on parting, after final arrangements concluded_). Iwish Rose had warned me that Podbury's habit of mind was so painfullydesultory. (_He sighs._) However----
PODB. (_to himself_). Wonder how long I shall take to get overCulchard's
manner. (_He sighs._) I wish old Hughie was coming--he'd giveme a leg over! [_He walks on thoughtfully._