by F. Anstey
CHAPTER V.
Culchard has the Best of it.
SCENE--_Upper deck of the Rhine Steamer_, Koenig Wilhelm, _somewherebetween Bonn and Bingen. The little tables on deck are occupied byEnglish, American, and German tourists, drinking various liquids, fromhock to Pilsener beer, and eating veal cutlets._ MR. CYRUS K. TROTTER_is on the lower deck, discussing the comparative merits of the New Yorkhotels with a fellow countryman._ MISS MAUD S. TROTTER _is seated on theafterdeck in close conversation with_ CULCHARD. PODBURY _is perched on acamp-stool in the forward part. Near him a British Matron, with ared-haired son, in a green and black blazer, and a blue flannelnightcap, and a bevy of rabbit-faced daughters, are patronising a tameGerman Student in spectacles, who speaks a little English._
THE BRITISH MATRON. Oh, you _ought_ to see London; it's ourcapital--chief city, you know. Very grand--large--four millioninhabitants! [_With pride, as being in some way responsible for this._
A RABBIT-FACED DAUGHTER (_with a simper_). Quite a little _world_!
[_She looks down her nose, as if in fear of having said something alittle_ too _original_.
THE GERM. STUD. No, I haf not yet at London peen. Ven I vill pedderEnglisch learn, I go.
THE BLAZER. You read our English books, I suppose? Dickens, you know,and Homer, eh? About the Trojan War--that's his _best_ work!
THE STUD. (_Ollendorffically_). I haf not read Diggins; but I haf readze bapers by _Bigvig_. Zey are vary indereshtin, and gurious.
MR. CYRUS K. TROTTER DISCUSSING NEW YORK HOTELS.]
A PATRIOTIC YOUNG SCOT (_to an admiring Elderly Lady in a black__mushroom hat_). Eh, but we just made a pairrty and went up AuldDrachenfels, and when we got to th' tope, we danced a richt gude Scotsreel, and sang, "_We're a' togither an' naebody by_," concluding--justto show, ye'll understan', that we were loyal subjics--wi' "_God Save__th' Queen_." The peasants didna seem just to know what to mak' of us, Iprawmise ye!
THE BLACK MUSHROOM. How I wish I'd been one of you!
THE YOUNG SCOT (_candidly_). I doot your legs would ha' stood such wark.
[PODBURY _becomes restless, and picks his way among the campstools to_CULCHARD _and_ MISS TROTTER.
PODBURY (_to himself_). Time _I_ had a look in, I think. (_Aloud._)Well, Miss Trotter, what do you think of the Rhine, as far as you'vegot?
MISS T. Well, I guess it's navigable, as far as _I've_ got.
PODB. No, but I mean to say--does it come up to the mark in the sceneryline, you know?
MISS T. I cannt answer that till I know whereabouts it is they mark thescenery-line. I expect Mr. Culchard knows. He knows pretty welleverything. Would you like to have him explain the scenery to you goingalong? His explanations are vurry improving, I assure you.
PODB. I dare say; but the scenery just here is so flat that even myfriend's remarks won't improve it.
CULCH. (_producing his note-book ostentatiously_). I do not propose toattempt it. No doubt you will be more successful in entertaining MissTrotter than I can pretend to be. I retire in your favour. [_Hescribbles._
PODB. Is that our expenses you're corking down there, Culchard, eh?
CULCH. (_with dignity_). If you want to know, I am "corking down," toadopt your elegant expression, a sonnet that suggested itself to me.
PODB. Much better cork that _up_, old chap--hadn't he, Miss Trotter?
[_He glances at her for appreciation._
MISS T. That's so. I don't believe the poetic spirit has much chance ofslopping over so long as Mr. Podbury is around. You have considerablemerit as a stopper, Mr. Podbury.
PODB. I see; I'd better clear out till the poetry has all gurgled out ofhim, eh? Is that the idea?
MISS T. If it is, it's your own, so I guess it's a pretty good one.
[PODBURY _shoulders off._
CULCH. (_with his pathetic stop on_). I wish I had more of your divinepatience! Poor fellow, he is not without his good points; but I do findhim a thorn in my flesh occasionally, I'm afraid.
MISS T. Well, I don't know as a thorn in the flesh is any the pleasanterfor having a good point.
CULCH. Profoundly true, indeed. I often think I could like him better ifthere were less in him to like. I assure you he tries me so at timesthat I could almost wish I was back at work in my department at SomersetHouse!
MISS T. I dare say you have pretty good times there, too. Isn't that oneof your leading dry goods stores?
CULCH. (_pained_). It is not; it is a Government Office, and I am in thePigeonhole and Docket Department, with important duties to discharge. Ihope you didn't imagine I sold ribbons and calico over a counter?
MISS T. (_ambiguously_). Well, I wasn't just sure. It takes a prettybright man to do that where I come from.
AN OLD LADY (_who is sitting next to_ PODBURY, _and reading a homeletterto another Old Lady_). "Dear Maria and dear Madeline are close by, theyhave taken very comfortable lodgings in Marine Crescent. Dear Madeline'sframe is expected down next Saturday."
SECOND OLD LADY. Madeline's frame! Is anything wrong with the poorgirl's spine?
FIRST OLD LADY. I never heard of it. Oh, I see, it's _fiance_, my dear.Caroline _does_ write so illegibly. (_Continuing._) "Um--um,--supposeyou know she will be maimed----" (perhaps it _is_ her spine afterall--oh, _married_, to be sure), "very slowly" (is it slowly or shortly,I wonder?), um, um, "very quiet wedding, nobody but dear Mr. Wilkinsonand his hatter."
SECOND O. L. The idea of choosing one's hatter for one's best man! I'msurprised Maria should allow it!
FIRST O. L. Maria always _was_ peculiar--still, now I come to look, it'smore like "brother," which is certainly _much_ more suitable.(_Continuing._) "She will have no--no bird's-marks ..." (Now, what_does_ that--should you think that meant "crows-feet"? Oh, no, _how_stupid of me--_bridesmaids_, of course!)--"and will go to the otter aplain guy"--(Oh, Caroline really is _too_ ...)--"to the _altar_ in plain_grey_! She has been given such quantities of pea-nuts"--(very oddthings to give a girl! Oh, _presents_! um, um)--"Not settled yet whereto go for their hangman"--(the officiating clergyman, I suppose--veryflippant way of putting it, I _must_ say! It's meant for _honeymoon_,though, I see, to be _sure_!) &c. &c.
CULCH. (_to_ MISS T.). I should like to be at Nuremberg with you. Itwould be an unspeakable delight to watch the expansion of a fresh youngsoul in that rich mediaeval atmosphere!
MISS T. I guess you'll have opportunities of watching Mr. Podbury'sfresh young soul under those conditions, any way.
CULCH. It would not be at all the same thing--even if he--but you _do_think you're coming to Nuremberg, don't you?
MISS T. Well, it's this way. Poppa don't want to get fooling around anymore one-horse towns than he can help, and he's got to be fixed up withthe idea that Nuremberg is a prominent European sight before he dropseverything to get there.
CULCH. I will undertake to interest him in Nuremberg. Fortunately, weare all getting off at Bingen, and going, curiously enough, to the samehotel. (_To himself._) Confound that fellow Podbury, here he is _again_!
PODB. (_to himself, as he advances_). If she's carrying on with thatfellow, Culchard, to provoke me, I'll soon show her how littleI--(_Aloud._) I say, old man, hope I'm not interrupting you, but I justwant to speak to you for a minute, if Miss Trotter will excuse us. Isthere any particular point in going as far as Bingen to-night, eh?
CULCH. (_resignedly_). As much as there is in not going farther thansomewhere else, _I_ should have thought.
PODB. Well, but look here--why not stop at Bacharach, and see what sortof a place it is?
CULCH. You forget that our time is limited if we're going to stick toour original route.
PODB. Yes, of course; mustn't waste any on the Rhine. Suppose we pushon to Maintz to-night, and get the Rhine off our hands then? (_With aglance at_ MISS TROTTER.) The sooner I've done with this steamerbusiness the better!
MISS T. Well, Mr. Podbury, that's not a vurry complimentary remark tomake before me!
PODB. We've seen so little of one another lately that
it can hardly makemuch difference--to _either_ of us--can it?
MISS T. Now I call that real kind, you're consoling me in advance!
THE STEWARD (_coming up_). De dickets dat I haf nod yed seen!(_examining_ CULCHARD'S _coupons_). For Bingen--so?
CULCH. _I_ am. This gentleman gets off--is it Bacharach or Maintz,Podbury?
PODB. (_sulkily_). Neither, as it happens. I'm for Bingen, too, as youwon't go anywhere else. Though you _did_ say when we started, that theadvantage of travelling like this was that we could go on or stop justas the fancy took us!
CULCH. (_calmly_). I did, my dear Podbury. But it never occurred to methat the fancy would take you to get tired of a place before you gotthere!
PODB. (_as he walks forwards_). Hang that fellow! I know I shall punchhis head some day. And She didn't seem to care whether I stayed or not.(_Hopefully._) But you never _can_ tell with women!
[_He returns to his camp-stool and the letter-reading Old Ladies._