by Scott Allan
When faced with a challenge, focus on controlling your initial reactions to the problem. Instead of picking up the phone and launching a complaint session, think of effective solutions you could try to make the situation better. Instead of reacting negatively and saying there is no solution, first identify exactly what the difficulty is, and then mind map the solutions to reach a conclusion.
Try to find solutions to everything. Take time to think things through. Brainstorm ideas and talk with people positively instead of labeling or gossiping. This is “obstacle avoidance,” and it is the most unproductive approach you can take.
Perceive every problem as an opportunity to expand your growth. Listen to what your emotions are telling you and not your mind. The mind is full of ego and rarely works to resolve anything when left to its own devices. When you follow your heart in any situation, everything will be the better for it.
The Formula: A Four-Step Process
“Concern yourself more with accepting responsibility than with assigning blame. Let the possibilities inspire you more than the obstacles discourage you.”
— Ralph Marston
There is an effective formula or process that can be applied to almost any challenging situation or difficulty you are facing. When confronted with a problem that seems too big to conquer, you can find a way to overcome it by using the four-step process below.
1. Identify the obstacle.
Describe the obstacle in one sentence. Do you want to buy a house but you don’t have enough money? Do you have to speak with your boss about a problem with your work? Is your son or daughter experiencing a problem at school and they need your help? Are you working on a project that is over budget and behind schedule?
No matter what the situation is, the first step to working toward a solution is to identify it. Write it out on paper to make it real. Don’t keep anything in your head and try to work it out. That’s the worst place for a challenge to exist. Then, once you have identified the problem with absolute clarity.…
2. Mind map potential solutions.
Now that you have clearly defined the obstacle, it is easier to draw ideas on what actions to take. For the second step, create a “branch of ideas,” or a mind map of possible solutions. By putting your ideas to paper, you can see with greater clarity the solution to overcoming your obstacles. People get stuck when they hold those ideas in their head. The mind has a way of latching onto a problem and making it bigger by focusing on the problem instead of the way out.
You can now write in point form as many possible solutions as you can think of.
3. Select the best choice.
Next, from the list of options, choose the best one. Write down the best solution and work toward taking immediate action. It may be that the obstacle requires several solutions.
In this case, you can prioritize the options in the order of importance. Take action on the first choice and once complete, move to the next possible solution on your list. Keep working through it until you have successfully overcome the problem.
4. Follow up on the outcome.
After applying the formula to your situation, you may not have an immediate outcome. The application of your solutions may take time to work. The final stage is to follow up on the results.
Did you get the outcome you wanted? Did you experience a different result than what you expected? If you didn’t get what you were hoping for, continue to apply other solutions. Just because something didn’t deliver the first time doesn’t mean the situation is hopeless. For every obstacle you face, there is a way to overcome it.
Action Plan
What obstacles are holding you back right now? Do you have a plan for getting past them? Apply the above formula to help you develop solutions.
Everyone has at least one self-defeating behavior that challenges them. Write down your self-defeating behavior and the steps you plan to take to overcome this behavior.
Create a mind map of solutions for this scenario and put your ideas into action.
Next, write down an internal obstacle you’re currently facing. Subsequently, think about this obstacle and brainstorm solutions.
Write about an external obstacle you had to face. Were you successful in dealing with it? If so, how did you do it? If not, what would you have done differently?
CHAPTER EIGHT
Getting Over the Past
“Don’t dwell on what went wrong. Instead, focus on what to do next. Spend your energies on moving forward toward finding the answer.”
— Denis Waitley
The past is a fingerprint of the life that once was, now stamped permanently in the roots of your mind as memories. Lingering in the shadows of our past days, it serves as a reminder of whom we were, what we have done, and all of life’s experiences collaged together that have brought us to the present moment.
Your present is the result of all your past choices and decisions. You have built the path you are on. Having accepted this, you are responsible for where you are today.
Everyone’s past tells a different story. Some people have had it good while living a life of comfort. Others have had a life of struggle and hardship and suffered more than others. Nobody’s past is a perfect fairy tale. It is the experiences you have lived through and events that took place that tells the story of your life, both light and dark.
The past holds the deepest secrets of the soul and unveils the truth that serves as a reminder of the lessons you must never forget.
If you spend endless hours obsessing about the past, you will be lost in the present moment. You neglect the present moment when you choose to live in past memories. You end up losing golden opportunities if you are in the habit of obsessing about yesterday.
Living in the past with the hope of changing it, or wishing it’d been different somehow, puts a cripple on the future. You can’t have both worlds. You need to choose one. As long as you are hanging out with the ghosts of the past, you will never move on. If you are locked into an abysmal state of nostalgic fantasy, you cannot focus on the only period of your life that really matters: the present.
The unconscious habit of redialing past events is like picking up the phone, dialing a number that has been out of service for twenty years, and expecting someone to answer. The simple truth is that the script cannot be rewritten. You are here and that’s all that matters.
The haunts of the past are with you and may always be, but they don’t have to control your future. You can control the tendency to relive the past by awakening to the notion that you have choices in every moment of every day, and how you choose to live each day is up to you.
Resentment: The Suffering Path
“Resentment is like a glass of poison that a man drinks; then he sits down and waits for his enemy to die.”
— Nelson Mandela
One of the greatest causes of misery is failing to resolve resentments linked to past events. Holding on to anger and bitter feelings of the past instigates a cycle of negative emotional trauma. Resentment is a form of negative energy that eats away at us over time, leading to depression, anxiety, and other negative emotions.
These resentments are the judgments and perceptions formed about other people, places, or events that have wronged, harmed, or victimized us, as perceived by the ego-mind. Just because you are angry about something, doesn’t necessarily mean you are right about it.
You might have a good reason for your bitterness: a case of dishonesty, theft, abuse, or something said or done that caused you some form of emotional, physical, or mental harm. You have latched onto this pain and are refusing to give in or let go. Years later, the anger and bitterness has turned against you, transforming it into your worst enemy.
Taking on resentment is like swallowing a bitter pill. You are linking the pain and suffering of the past to the thoughts and emotions of the present. Bitter, deep-seated anger and resentment builds over the years.
Some people hold onto deep grudges, as if it brings some kind of relief to
remember what was done to them by someone who betrayed their trust.
This is the ego’s defense for dealing with wrongdoings. The ego wants revenge. It wants the other party to suffer, and it will not rest until justice is served. Until that day comes, it will remain in a state of bitter anger, seeking ways to win.
A Waste of Life
Resentment festers in the conscious mind and creates a negative state so powerful that not a single day goes by without feeling bitter over old wounds. Carrying around resentment leads to unhappiness and a sad waste of life.
Resentment robs you of the present by focusing on the past. You hold onto your pain by refusing to let it go, as if you have the right to be angry. The wounds never have a chance to heal. In fact, over time, this pain can cause severe mental trauma and illness.
Resentment blocks all positive thoughts from creating new experiences. You can’t build the future if you are trying to reconstruct past events. You will never move on if you are too busy hating someone for something they did years ago. If you’re harboring resentment right now, ask yourself if it has made your life any better. Would you really feel better if you could exact some kind of retribution?
When you resent someone or something, you are invariably handing over your power to that person or situation. A mentor once said to me, “The definition of suffering is being bitter toward someone and having him or her be completely unaware of it.”
While you are busy wasting your creative thoughts and energy on people you don’t like for whatever reason, they are living their lives elsewhere, completely oblivious to your anger.
Do yourself a favor and find a way to get over the pain caused by past events. I am not suggesting that you try to forget these painful events, but how you choose to deal with them is entirely up to you. The grief you’re holding onto is your responsibility. It is time to let go, move on, and live your life.
There is a Solution
A suggestion that was once made by a good friend of mine changed my perspective regarding situations about which I was bitter. This person, who was much wiser and full of spiritual energy, advised me to pray for the people and things that made me angry. He said, “To hold onto the things that make you miserable is the worst form of suffering. By identifying your resentments, you free yourself from the emotional suffering they are causing.”
So, taking this advice, I set out to free myself from the resentments holding my mind prisoner.
I had to get to the core of these negative feelings if I wanted to find peace. I had to get honest with myself and do a deep analysis of my fears.
I was asked to make a list of resentments as a way to cleanse my heart and mind from pain.
Here are the steps for working through resentment:
Take an Inventory of Your Resentment
I created a “resentment inventory” and included the names of the people and events I resented as well as the reason behind my resentment. Here are six steps to help you prepare your resentment inventory.
Create a list. Make a list of all the people, places, events, and/or principles that you resent. Write down the names of all the people and places and details of the events.
List the causes. Now, go back to the top of the list and in another column or on a separate piece of paper, write down the cause of the resentment for each item. Why are you angry? What happened?
How has this resentment affected you? Next, write down how each event affected you. Did it impact your wealth, self-esteem, emotional state, or security?
What is the benefit of holding on? Most people feel they are gaining something by resenting the source of their pain. Write down what you are gaining from continuing to hold onto your resentment.
What is your role in this situation? As someone who has been wronged, you might think you are the victim and therefore take no responsibility. However, what thoughts are you harboring that feed into this? How do you continue to hand over your personal power to the source of your resentment?
How are you contributing to the situation? The people or institutions that you dislike, regardless of the reasons, are not going to change. This leaves you with only one choice: you must change your perceptions and attitude. Let others change theirs. You have the personal power to evolve beyond your present condition. Now, write down exactly how you are feeding into this insanity. Once you identify the pattern, you can work on a solution for stopping the cycle.
Take inventory regularly. Do an inventory of your resentments every three to six months. Check for new resentments that may have cropped up and use these steps for dealing with them.
Regret: Obsession to
Change the Past
“The power for creating a better future is contained in the present moment: You create a good future by creating a good present.”
— Eckhart Tolle
Regret is an obsession. Although it’s normal to feel remorse or disappointment because something was or wasn’t done, or a situation didn’t work out exactly the way that you planned, regretting past events can reinforce feelings of failure and remorse.
Regret is a form of emotional suffering. It focuses on past events that occurred with an outcome that is perceived to be negative. Your expectations were not met and you are now left feeling cheated or disappointed.
Another form of regret is for things you didn’t do when you had the opportunity, resulting in a feeling of deep loss. If you faced such an event, the suffering may persist and in some severe cases, the pain lasts a lifetime.
Regret that is not dealt with or accepted eats away at you over time. You end up feeling as if you are constantly living with the ghosts of your past, forever haunted by memories of events that can never be changed. When you hold onto regrets, you are living in an illusion and clinging to false hopes.
Identifying things in your life for which you are grateful is an effective way to deal with regret. There may have been a different outcome had you done things differently, but how do you know it would have been better?
The choices and decisions you make at any given moment are based on who you are at that time. You did what you felt was right. You will do what you feel needs to be done today based on who you are right now and the information you possess to make those choices.
If you do have regrets—a job you lost, a relationship that didn’t work out, or a decision you made that ended badly—would your life be different if everything had worked out according to plan? Is everything in life supposed to work out perfectly?
I was once told that regret, although very real, is an illusion of the worst kind. It is a false belief that convinces you that all your choices and past experiences have failed you. This simply isn’t true. You had certain expectations that were never met, and when the outcome you desperately wanted failed to come true, you feel regretful.
Life is a process, a series of wins and losses, triumphs and failures. None of it’s all good or bad, but our thinking makes it so.
Living in the Present Moment
The past is inescapable. The events that took place either yesterday or twenty years ago, are now unchangeable and a part of your history. The mind forges a powerful anchor with the past. This is the beginning of a state of disillusion.
You may have heard that some people live in the past. Well, this refers to those who exist in neither the past nor the present. They can no longer separate what has happened and what is taking place in the present moment. The truth is that our mind can only exist in one place at any given time.
If you are obsessing about something that happened in the morning or ten days ago, you are not in the present moment and are therefore lost in the illusion. The only way to be real and deal with ghosts of the past is to be present, right here and now, in this moment.
To exist in the present moment brings you peace of mind and relaxes the senses. If you dwell on past events by reliving those moments, you lose precious time that could be spent building new experiences today and tomorrow.
The experienc
es of yesterday cannot be rebuilt. What happened in the past cannot be undone. Let those towers of memories exist as they are. Focus on your gratitude for what you have in the moment. Everything else is just an illusory state of existence.
The Past Is an Illusion
Once an event is over and has moved into the past, it
enters into a state of illusion. It no longer exists in the present moment. It is human nature to habitually obsess about past events. The illusion becomes our past, present, and future reality.
The longer we fixate on past events, the more the past becomes the present, and the present becomes the future. People who are trapped in a spin cycle of trying to create the future based on past experiences only end up recreating the same results they experienced before. Nothing new is created. The past becomes the future once again.
“We are products of our past, but we don't have to be prisoners of it.”
— Rick Warren
There is nothing wrong with telling tales of the past or thinking about past events. Everyone has a past. Everyone has a story to tell that is unique to that person, and they are shaped and molded by their past.
When your present mind exists in the past, it becomes lost in mirrors of disillusionment. Instead of creating a better future, you recreate the history of past events without a future. When this happens, the past is never finished so long as it is kept alive by the reminder of past regrets and failures.
Think of the past as much as you need to and use it to your advantage as a measuring stick to remind yourself of how far you have come and how much you have grown. If it’s used as a form of punishment, the pain of self-loathing can turn into a destructive force.
Free yourself by living in the present. This will help you break the habit and lose the mental attraction to return to past memories.
Forgiveness: The Path to Peace