by Allen, Jacob
Much as I sometimes felt my mother could live in the clouds, she had a pretty good eye for what was happening down here on Earth all the same.
“Kevin,” I said. “It’s always Kevin.”
I bit my lip and looked down.
“Kevin?” my mother said. “Who is Kevin? You’ve never spoken about Kevin before.”
“That’s because…”
I still didn’t look up. There was no reason to explain the Kevin situation to my mother. She wouldn’t get it. Heck, I didn’t get it myself half the time, and I was the one who was living it every day!
“It reached an interesting point today,” I said. “Kevin is a boy that I like, and I think he likes me, but he doesn’t show it by being nice. He shows it by being mean. And so this morning, I asked one of his friends why he doesn’t like me. He told me he didn’t hate me, but then this friend told Kevin. And this really hurt, because I thought this conversation was private. So I told Emily of a private conversation between Kevin and I.”
I shook my head. No wonder I couldn’t focus on meditating today; I’d acted like a massive brat in trying to get back at him in this way.
“I feel bad for doing that, but I don’t know what to do with Kevin. So… that’s what’s bothering me.”
I didn’t want to ask my mother for help, more because I did not want to burden her with this school drama. Mom was a woman in her early forties, a healthy and peaceful lady, and someone who had a very sturdy relationship. High school drama, for her, was probably so far removed from anything she did that I might as well have asked her how to extract oil from the bottom of the ocean.
Which would have led not to a discussion about the engineering techniques but instead a conversation about the ecological disaster that would ensue.
“You believe this Kevin person is capable of behaving as a good human being?”
That was easy. Absolutely. I believed everyone was capable of behaving well and decently. Some, for whatever reason, just struggled to have the confidence or the courage to do so.
“Then perhaps you need to connect to his deeper self,” Mom said upon seeing me nod my head. “Go beyond Kevin, the name. Reach for Kevin, the soul. Connect to who he is at his core, not who he presents himself to be.”
And now I knew why I hadn’t asked these questions to Mom. I was reminded of why I was beginning to peg for her for being a little too ditzy and a little too hippy.
“Only by connecting to his soul can you unlock the person that he is. We forgive our enemies and move closer to them, and they will put their swords down.”
And sometimes, they do it as a feign to lure you in, and then pick up their swords and stab you in the back when you turn away for just a moment.
“I would suggest that when you see this Kevin, that you invite him to meditate with you. Or perhaps you can have a conversation about what so greatly stirs your souls. Through this, I believe you can overcome his self-imposed shield and connect with him.”
I nodded, thanked my mother, and faked enough kindness and gratitude that I was able to get to my room without breaking character.
But as soon as I got to my bed and as soon as I heard my mother go through her wall of beads, I knew there was absolutely no chance that I was going to invite Kevin to meditate. That was probably the easiest way to ensure that I got mocked for the rest of the school year. I was pretty content with who I was, but I knew there were some things that would just not be socially acceptable at Providence Prep, and meditating in the middle of the hall was one of those.
My mother and father had done a wonderful job making me into a generally happy, content, and grateful person. But now, faced with something that neither of those three traits could overcome, I began to realize that I needed to change how I behaved around Kevin. What was the opposite of trying to please him?
What was the opposite of being a people pleaser?
Ignore him.
It felt so wrong. Kevin probably did need someone to comfort him, to pat him on the shoulder or to smile at him and wish him a good morning. Kevin, even more than Adam—especially more than Adam—needed that person to say he had worth and he had value.
But would it be right? It would certainly lower the stress I felt in the short term. It would certainly go a long way to making me feel less insecure about Kevin.
And maybe it would even allow me to open my eyes to someone else who could treat me right and make me feel loved.
I couldn’t say it felt great. My mother’s voice was definitely telling me that my decision to do this was one that was going to bite me later. But if I only did it for a week, that might work.
So, right there, on that Monday night, I vowed that for the rest of the school week, I would just ignore Kevin. I vowed not to make any judgments about it or change course until the following Monday unless something dramatic forced my hand. I vowed to stay strong.
It was either going to significantly improve my daily mental health, or it was going to be just yet another failed experiment in the attempts to distance myself from this boy.
* * *
When I got to school that following Tuesday, I turned from the corner of the stairs to our class’ locker room hallway and paused. I could see a few scattered students milling about, listening to music and doing their homework.
And then I noticed him.
Looking at me.
I pretended to be looking at my phone, but I could not avoid his eyes. That was so much easier said than done, and especially with Kevin—the way his one visible eye seemed to just hone in on you so much more directly than two casually placed eyes—I found myself being dragged to his gaze, like a force I could not resist.
Remember your vow to yourself. One week.
And so, I pulled out something I had never worn at school before.
Headphones.
I plugged them into my iPhone 5, turned on Queen, and walked down the hallway, keeping my senses focused on the music and not on the people around me.
I felt horrible. I wasn’t working to make other students’ days better. I wasn’t smiling at others like I normally did. I’d become just another typical teenager, headphones in, emotions shut off, in my own little, selfish world.
You committed to this for at least a week, Jackie. Stick with it.
I got to my locker and turned my focus to the lock, but not before first noticing just how much Kevin was looking at me. There was also something very distinct about the way he looked at me; it didn’t seem to have as much venom to it as it normally did. How, exactly, I couldn’t say. I was no wordsmith like Samantha was.
But the eyes weren’t as harsh. The scowl wasn’t as present. In fact, the eyes weren’t just not as harsh—they almost seemed to yearn for me.
Had he always been like this? Had I been so focused on him and my attention to him that I’d never bothered to think or realize if he was interested in me as well?
It was possible. It might make for an interesting conversation next Monday. But not today. Today—
I felt my headphones yank from my ears.
“What the hell?” I said, shocked into almost swearing something much worse.
“Whatever happened to my good morning?”
I’d just gotten the lock off of my locker when I turned to see Kevin standing in front of me. He didn’t have a smile on his face, but it wasn’t exactly the typical angry, scornful expression he liked to wear. It was almost… afraid?
“It is a good morning,” she said. “I’m just making sure that I’m being good to myself.”
Kevin didn’t say anything for a couple of seconds, and I turned my attention back to my locker as I stuffed my books in, keeping only my AP Spanish book in my backpack. When I shut it, I saw Kevin walking away. Guess he got the message.
Not that I was very happy to deliver it. It still doesn’t feel right.
I nevertheless put my headphones back in, listening to “Don’t Stop Me Now” as I slumped against the lockers, in the usual spot where Emi
ly and Samantha would meet me. I pulled out my Spanish textbook and reviewed some of the work for the class.
And wouldn’t you know who showed up two minutes later.
“You’re really not going to tell me good morning, huh.”
It wasn’t a question. It was a confirmation of fact. I took my headphones out, not bothering to pause the song—I’d already heard it dozens of times—and turned to Kevin.
I’d never seen him look like he needed attention so badly in his life. He wasn’t overt about his begging, but just as I had always seen the good side of him beneath his petty words, I could now see that he was actually bothered by my lack of attention to him. I gave him a soft, hesitant smile.
“Good morning, Kevin.”
“It would be if you had said it when you first walked in. But no, you had to decide that Jaded Jack was going to be the girl to show up today, huh? You just couldn’t say hi to someone who needed it. Rude.”
I should have known. I should have figured he’d get mean as soon as he got what he wanted.
You did good getting this far. Just shoo him away and do better in the coming days.
“Sure did,” I said, and I put my headphones in.
“Why’d you do that, Jack?”
But by now, I’d made a show of turning the volume up on my iPhone to make it clear I was done talking to Kevin. Maybe tomorrow, if he did this again and treated me nicely, I’d actually engage him in conversation.
I needed to be nice to myself first, though.
“Jack, come on, what the hell is your problem?”
Even with the volume up, I could hear him talking to me. But no matter. I’d gained the fortitude to not crack immediately. Until Kevin said “I’m sorry” or even just asked me nicely to talk, I wasn’t going to take the headphones off.
“Figures, you’re like everyone else.”
What does that mean?
But I didn’t ask the question. I didn’t even turn. I would give Kevin’s words some thought later, when—
“Whatever,” he said. He started to stand up, paused, and came back down. “By the way, people are inquiring if I’m available for Sadie Hawkins.”
OK…
“Maybe you should think about what options you have, too, if you have any.”
So even in a moment that you are hinting that you want me to ask you out to Sadie Hawkins, you insult me. I know you have something going on that makes you this way, Kevin. I know you’re a nice guy. But my goodness, do you have to mask it in anger like you do?
I refused to look at him. My hand was shaking, and I had to bite my lip to steady my breathing. I felt like the tiger was sniffing me, the deer, and deciding if I was worth pouncing on right now.
But after a few more seconds of silence, Kevin finally got up and walked away. I stole one glance at him and noticed that he was shaking his head, his head bowed. If he was muttering something, which I felt was almost a certainty, I couldn’t see it from my vantage point, but I knew it wasn’t anything good.
I did my best to withhold judgment on if this would make me feel better. Emily and Samantha hadn’t shown up yet, and I wasn’t going to keep my headphones in for them.
But right now, I just feel like all that had happened was that Kevin had revealed some interesting details without actually saying anything, and instead of really listening to him, all I had done was shove him away.
I sure hoped that a week of this would go much better than a day of doing this.
10
Kevin
Ten Years Ago—Miami, Florida
“This is fucking bullshit!”
My dad roared at the nurse as more nurses and the doctors came in, prepared to corral the angry man that my father had become. My mother, fighting for her life, lay on the bed, holding my hand as she tried in vain to reach out to my father. I was scared in so many ways, and my father acting this way only made it worse.
Was Mom going to die? Was she going to leave me with my father like this? If so, was he always going to act so mean and so nasty?
“You will heal my wife, and you will do it now!”
“Sir, we’ve tried everything, but at this point, all we can rely on is a miracle.”
“Fuck miracles!” my dad yelled, causing me to flinch and cower against my mother. She held me tight, squeezing me in and kissing me on the forehead. This was the only spot I felt safe right now, because I couldn’t see my father turning to either of us right now. “You guys aren’t doing your fucking jobs, you—”
“Sir!” a man in a security guard’s outfit said. “Step out of the room right now.”
My father stared at the man, who had significant size on him. My father was many things and could be very bad, but I think even he realized that he was not going to win a fight.
“Fucking stupid,” he mumbled, but he went without a fight.
As soon as he left the room, the nurse that he’d yelled at came over to us. My mother smiled and weakly spoke to her.
“I’m sorry about my husband,” she said.
“It’s alright, ma’am,” the nurse said, though she was obviously and visibly shaken. My father had that effect on people—the security guard aside, he was usually the biggest person in the room.
“He doesn’t know how to handle stress like this,” she said. “He’ll keep doing this. But he will be grateful for all that you did. I am grateful for all that you’ve done.”
The nurse nodded, smiled, and looked like she was about to cry.
“Can you give me and my boy a few minutes, please?”
The nurse gladly took the opportunity to leave, and just before she left, I heard her sobbing. She shut the door behind us, all but shutting out the outside world. There was no noise except for the faint din of the air conditioning and some machines. It was like my mother and I were in some new world of our own.
“Don’t go, Mom,” I said, hugging her tight. “I don’t want to be by myself. I don’t want to be with Dad.”
“Oh, Kevin,” she said, sobbing. “Your father is fighting some demons that he and I almost overcame… he may yet overcome them someday. But this disease has not just hurt me. It’s hurt him too.”
“How?” I asked. “He doesn’t have the cancer.”
“No, but my cancer is affecting his heart in some fashion,” she said. “You have to be strong for him, Kevin. Your father is fighting battles that will make it difficult for him to be there with you all the time.”
“Mom!”
But my mom was just getting started.
“He won’t always know what to say to you or what to teach you. The truth is, Kevin, as parents, we fail a lot. We do our best, just like you do in school, but we aren’t perfect. No one is.”
She smiled and kissed me again on the forehead. She was speaking like she was going to die soon. Was it that soon? The doctors had said that yesterday was a good day. Why was she suddenly sounding so weary and tired now?
“You’ll have to become self-sufficient, Kevin, and not rely on others,” she said. “You are a strong boy. If you just remember that, you’ll be fine.”
“I don’t know how to do that, Mom,” I said as my eyes began to well up. “I don’t know how to do any of that!”
The tears came streaming out pretty fast at that point. I cried into my mother’s shoulder as she embraced me and kissed me for what, I feared, would be the last time. I didn’t ever want to see Mom grow old. I wanted her to live forever, or at least until I died, so that we both could go to heaven together.
But now…
“You will figure it out, my sweet Kevin,” she said. “I promise you will. I love you and believe in you.”
“Mom!” I said in between sobs.
“Mom needs rest,” she said, her eyes starting to close. “Forgive your father. Help him. Love him, as I have loved… as I have loved you.”
Seconds later, my mother was asleep.
Hours later, my mother was gone.
* * *
Present Day
I knew I screwed that up. I knew I acted like a dick yesterday.
And now I’m paying the price. The one person who actually cares about me or at least treats me like a normal human being and not like some dog…
Now she doesn’t want to interact with me anymore.
And I fucking deserve it.
I stood against the locker, tempted to punch the shit out of the door and dent it in. The only reason I didn’t was because whatever damage I caused to the door would pale in comparison to the damage my father would do to me as punishment. I would certainly take this rage out somewhere else, though.
“Hey, puppy.”
Oh, speaking of.
I turned to see Emily and Adam walking hand in hand. I really hoped the scowl on my face got picked up by Adam, because if he kept pushing me…
Today was really not the day. Not after last night. Not after this morning. All I’d had to do before today was just snap my fingers and she’d be on me in a heartbeat. Fuck, fuck customs and traditions, I could have just asked her out myself and she would have said yes.
And now, I had to deal with this bullshit from all angles. Go fucking figure.
“Did you get your crush to ask you out to Sadie Hawkins yet?”
I went from telling him to fuck off to holding my breath to a few other distinct options before I settled on quite possibly the worst one of all.
“Let’s not talk about that, shall we?”
Asking Adam not to talk about something was akin to giving him a match, showing him a bunch of barrels of oil, and then telling him not to throw the match. In some ways, it only made him more likely to act out and like a jackass.
“Why not? It’s the topic of all the hallways,” Adam said with a snicker. “This school is boring now that I’m taken. Our class needs new drama. So right now, we’ve got you and your girl. Is she going to ask you out? Are you going to open yourself up to her? Such intensity waiting to happen!”