by Allen, Jacob
Instead, I decided this was someone else’s problem. I pulled up my phone and called Adam.
“Jackie?” Adam said.
“Where are you?”
My voice was cracking. I breathed slowly to try and keep it under control, but tonight was getting to me.
“I’m headed back to my place, what’s going on?”
I bit my lip.
“Jackie?”
“Kevin got drunk and stormed off.”
I heard Adam swearing on the other line.
“I can’t control him and I really don’t want to. Can you—”
“I’ve got you,” Adam said. “I’ll get a limo and come and grab him. Keep an eye on him and let me know where he is.”
That was much easier than anticipated. Kevin had only gone about ten feet before he sat down against a tree and looked like he started to pass out.
“Thanks, Adam.”
You’re lucky to have a friend like that, Kevin. If you ever feel alone, you better remember what Adam did on this night.
I hung up and waited until the limo arrived, which was only about ten minutes later. Adam got out of the car and ushered Kevin in. He looked at me. I nodded to him and then sped off.
It was all I could do to prevent myself from crying in front of him..
Unfortunately, it did not prevent me from bawling my eyes out as I drove home.
How could I have ever been so desperate to please someone who was so inconsiderate? How could I ever have thought that Kevin was a good guy? People showed their true colors in moments of stress. All Kevin had just shown was how cruel and cold he could be in certain moments.
I’d seen Kevin’s true colors for a long time. I’d just believed that such moments were not the norm.
But I was wrong. That was the normal Kevin. The sweet Kevin, the one who talked nicely to my parents? That was the masked Kevin.
At least now, I never had to rationalize my interest in a bully. I didn’t have to pretend the bully was the saint. There never was a saint, just a bully.
And I had no intention of ever hanging out with him ever again.
18
Kevin
Fuck. Me.
I woke up to a pit in my stomach, a massive headache, and a general feeling of disgust, stickiness, and dirt all over my body. I was still in my clothes from the night before, though I had little doubt that I’d done some damage to my clothes.
I opened my eyes.
I was in Adam’s mansion?
I sat up.
That was a mistake.
I hurried to the nearest bathroom, just barely got the toilet seat up in time, and hurled out what hopefully was the last of the Fireball into the toilet. I felt like a miserable fuck; like there was a wrench in my head clenching down on me. I didn’t think I had drank so much the night before, but whatever amount I’d had, it was enough to make me feel the worst I’d ever felt in my life.
I sat by that toilet seat for what felt like an hour, just trying to hurl up whatever remains of the Fireball remained. I wanted to smash my head into the seat and knock myself back out; at least that way, I wouldn’t be feeling any pain if I did that.
And where the hell was Jackie?
The last thing I remembered was her saying she wanted me to take her. For me to say what happened next would have required some educated guesses. At best, Jackie was in one of the bedrooms here, and when I emerged, she’d come and grab me. But if that were the case, why was I on the couch and not in one of the beds?
Finally, I stood up and exited the bathroom. Ryan entered the hallway, wearing nothing but shorts, and pointed and laughed at me. It was not fake laughter.
“The fuck is so funny?” I said, his laugh hurting my ears and exacerbating my headache.
“Guess the puppy can’t handle his liquor, huh?”
Even in my hungover, fucking miserable state, that nickname broke through the bullshit and incensed me.
“Remember what happened to your brother when he kept saying that?” I said. “It will happen to you. And I won’t suffer detention if that happens.”
Ryan opened his mouth but said nothing. He still kept his grin, so I flipped him off as I went back to the couch. I tried to close my eyes and make sense of what had happened, but to no avail. I checked my phone, but I didn’t have any new messages other than one around 12:30 a.m. from Adam, asking me to stay where I was. Why would he have asked me that then? Did I run off and away from him or something?
A few minutes later, I heard Adam heading to the kitchen, mumbling under his breath. I got up, very slowly dragged myself over, and nodded.
“What happened last night?”
Adam, pouring himself a glass of water, paused.
“I’m too hungover,” he said. “But you fucked up with Jackie. You owe her a huge apology.”
“Shit, knew it,” I said.
Adam didn’t say a word more. What more did he need to say, anyways? If it was a “huge” apology, I wasn’t sure I wanted to know the details, anyways. If I was going to be an ass, I didn’t want to know to what degree I was.
“How did I get here?” I said.
“Limo,” Adam said. “Jackie went home.”
Shit. Doubly not good.
“Can you or Ryan drive me back?” I said. “Or just—”
“I’ll call you a goddamn Uber,” Adam said. “I need to go back to sleep.”
Adam pulled out his phone, opened the app, asked for the address, and I almost gave mine.
And then, as if the day couldn’t get any more embarrassing, I remembered I’d left my Honda Civic at Jackie’s place. With her parents.
If the entire family didn’t hate me now, they sure would when they saw me coming over like an idiot in a sloppy, stained suit.
I gave Adam Jackie’s address. He punched it in, said “six minutes away,” and then left his phone on the counter, returning to his room. I was grateful for what Adam had done, but with all of us feeling like hot garbage, no one was going to have a truthful, honest moment. We all just needed to be asleep, in our own beds, and have an off day this Sunday.
I went outside, sat on the steps, and buried my head into my hands. What had I done to Jackie to piss her off like so? I knew I’d almost made a fool of us in front of that one bitchy chaperone, but that had come before she said I could take her. So clearly, I hadn’t done something so offensive and horrible in that moment as to scare her off.
But I really had no idea.
I looked all over my suit, wondering if I could afford the fixes for it. I saw what looked like some bird shit, and I moved to wipe it away.
And that’s when I realized it wasn’t bird shit. It was old vomit.
I’d thrown up last night at some point.
And given that Jackie wasn’t here anymore, I’d probably thrown up in her car.
Wow. I was a huge jackass.
I pulled out my phone to text her and apologize, but just then, the Uber showed up. I got inside, closed my eyes, and tried to at least nap for the long drive to her place. I’d need to store as much energy as possible before I arrived.
Too bad life didn’t work like that. The people who needed rest the most were the ones least likely to get it; the people who least needed rest were the ones most likely to get it. I fell in the former category, and there was no saving my ass right now.
I got to Jackie’s long driveway about 25 minutes later, and the long walk down felt like the road to my judgment. It wasn’t enough to just drop me off by my car; no, in this rural part of Murfreesboro, where I had to walk down a tenth of a mile just to get to my car, I had to incur glares from Mother Nature herself.
I finally cleared a brushing and saw my car. I looked into the house for any sign of life.
There was none.
But that could have just meant that everyone inside was meditating.
Was it inappropriate to stumble into something like that? Probably. But was what I had done last night inappropriate? Most likely. I needed to
apologize for the latter more than I needed to avoid the former.
It sure was going to suck having to explain that I didn’t remember anything I’d done that was so atrocious, though. At least looking at her Jeep and how it was aired out suggested I was right about having thrown up in it.
I got all the way to the front of my car when I saw her in the window. Her eyes went wide when she saw me. For just a moment, we locked eyes.
But the moment passed too quickly for me to make notice of it. Jackie immediately disappeared from view. The message was clear. Leave me the hell alone. You don’t get to talk to me today.
Seemed true enough.
* * *
Unfortunately, the consequences of my actions did not stop with Jackie.
It was now just after noon, and my father knew I hadn’t come back last night. I didn’t actually have any proof of that, but my father just always seemed to know. If I showed up late, he knew; even if he was asleep, in the morning, he’d sometimes say something. I did not want to deal with this.
But where else was I to go? I was back where I was at the beginning of the semester—an outcast, a pariah, disliked by the girl I liked and bullied simultaneously and a false member of the Broad Street Boys. It was of small solace that the boys considered me one of their own, but it wouldn’t save me right now.
And sure enough, when I pulled up to the house and saw my father on the front steps, I knew I was about to be in for a world of hurt. I just needed to accept it and take it.
Strangely, though, there was a voice in the back of my head saying fuck that. You’ve taken enough. You’re tired enough you have no filter. Push back.
I got out of the car and could already hear my father talking.
“Look at what you did to your goddamn suit,” he said. “Fucking piece of shit. Threw up all over it. This is why you won’t amount to anything.”
I bit my lip, trying to avoid biting back. But with the hangover and the voice in my head, my desire to keep quiet was not nearly as strong as it had been in the past.
“You’re worthless,” he said. “If I’d known—’
“Why are you this way?” I snapped suddenly.
My voice was a little shaky, but I no longer cared. Now that the first barrier of the first question had fallen, there was going to be a lot more to follow.
“Fuck off and listen to me, boy—”
“No, Dad, I’m serious,” I said.
Tears stained my eyes, but I made sure to stare directly at him. I didn’t know if he’d give me a real answer or not, but this was a moment I couldn’t waste.
Then, out of nowhere, my father raised his hands, slapped his chair, and groaned loudly.
“Fuck, Kevin, my life sucks!” he roared. “I have no hope for the future. My wife died a decade ago. I have no prospects. And on top of that, today shows I passed on my alcoholism to you. I’m a terrible father and a terrible husband. Why do you think I’m this fucking way?”
I bit my lip. I had not expected this. Frankly, I hadn’t known what to expect. It was too… too raw for me to ever contemplate seriously.
“Alcohol heals my mind,” my father said. “I know it makes me a terrible monster. But at least, goddamnit, at least I fucking feel happy sometimes when I’m drinking.”
He shook his head. He looked like he was about to cry, but like me, he was struggling not to show it. I hadn’t had any tears fall from my eyes yet, but that was only because I’d stopped speaking. The second that I opened my mouth to say something else, it was going to all come pouring out.
“If you have any goddamn sense,” my father said. “You’ll get as far away from me as possible. I know you stay away when you can now. I don’t blame you. I don’t know what the fuck to think, Kevin. I’m not smart. I’m a goddamn asshole.”
“Can we just nap on this?” I said.
This was becoming too much. I appreciated the honesty, but to hear my father say I should get far away from him… I don’t know. There was something just too harsh about it. I already didn’t have a mother. I suppose, in some ways, I didn’t have a father either. But now I was supposed to be without both for sure?
“Yes,” my father said. “Go. I need to work on myself, but I’m not sure what point there is.”
I had no idea if this would prevent future beatings. I had a better idea that my father severely lacked faith and courage in himself. But for all I knew, this would be in one ear and out the other tomorrow. The best case was that my father’s beatings vanished, but I knew that would come at a price of my father being sullen and withdrawn, having to face how his life sucked.
One thing was for sure as I walked in. When he said alcoholism, my mind went back to the night before. I thought about how I had apparently gotten so drunk as to throw up in Jackie’s car. And I was not a small dude who would get fucked up over a couple of drinks—I was the biggest Broad Street Boy, a guy who could have played offensive line for Providence Prep if I cared about football. It took a lot of Fireball to fuck me up.
And, well, a lot of Fireball had indeed been consumed. However much it was, it was enough to turn me into an asshole to Jackie.
Much as it had caused my father to turn into an asshole like me.
I knew that I never wanted to be like my father again. I didn’t want to turn into a sullen asshole that shoved everyone away. I didn’t want to be that guy who once had friends but shoved them all out because of his own actions.
But I had last night.
At least I knew where to start with my apologies.
19
Jackie
Only three or so months to go.
I usually was among the first students to the school, and while I was among the first ones who parked in the lot today, I was one of the last ones in. I waited until ten minutes remained before I headed in. I didn’t want to see Kevin. I didn’t want to see him at all. And even if I got Emily or Samantha alone, Kevin wouldn’t be far behind.
Kevin. My date from Saturday. The guy who had pulled on Sunday to my house via a limo and stared at me. How dare he.
How dare he have the gall to think that he was going to reach out to me and talk to me. After what he did… did he even know? Did he know that he threw up all over me and my car? Did he know how long it had taken for me to clean out my car, and how it still smelled a certain way? Did he know that my dress was probably ruined forever?
Did he know that my confidence to walk into school was probably ruined forever?
God, this sucked. I hated that I had to deal with this so close to the end of my time with Emily and Samantha. I hated that my last few months of my school would be defined not by my friendship with them, but my embarrassing decision to go the dance with Kevin. I hated that I actually enjoyed it for the most part, right up until he paused, his face on my chest, to vomit.
With a sigh, I got out of the car, shut the door, applied some perfume—I had to mask the scent of vomit somehow—and headed to the school. I tried my usual routine of smiling and greeting everyone, but it had never felt so faked in my life before. How many of these people knew what had happened? How many did Kevin talk to, sharing gossip about what had happened? How many of them would know me as the girl with the weirdo hippy parents?
Granted, Kevin didn’t seem like he was vengeful when he stared at me when he came to pick up my car, but given our history from before, I didn’t think it unreasonable to assume that he might pull something off like so. That, and that his most recent words to me were, “Fucking bitch. You want me to go home and get beaten? Fine. Fuck off.”
If that didn’t say “I’m going to tell everyone your most embarrassing secrets,” I’m not sure what did.
The worst part was about to come, though. It was the part where I’d have to walk past Kevin and, likely, Adam and Emily. Kevin and Adam were easily ignored. But if Emily said hello, I wasn’t going to ignore her. And if I said hi to her, that opened the door for the two boys to jump in.
I opened the stairwell door.
Imagine my surprise when Kevin was waiting for me as soon as I turned, as if he’d anticipated this moment.
“What do you want?” I said, my tone sharp.
“I came to apologize,” he said.
“For what?”
When he went silent, it pissed me off even more.
“You don’t remember any of it, do you?” I said with a scowl. “You don’t remember what you did, do you?”
“I… I threw up in your car.”
That was probably the worst answer he could have given. While that was true, it was clear he was just guessing. He didn’t even know how bad him throwing up in my car had been.
“You threw up in my car and onto me,” I said, emphasizing the last two words. “You blacked out and threw up on me while you were trying to have sex with me.”
Kevin bowed his head. Good. At least he was embarrassed.
“I’m sorry for that,” he said.
“Would’ve been a lot better if you remembered what you were sorry for,” I said. “What was your plan, anyways?”
“My plan?”
“Yes, your plan.”
Kevin didn’t know what I meant, or he was deliberately playing coy so that I wouldn’t figure out what his plan was. I was not going to let him off the hook, though. If I had to spell it out for him to get it, then that’s what I would do.
“I, I don’t know what you mean.”
He’s serious.
“You just wanted to fuck me, didn’t you?”
I couldn’t believe I actually said that out loud. Especially considering it was a Monday before school.
“No! No, Jackie, I… I was just nervous and happy to be with you. I’m sorry I drank so much to do that. I know I embarrassed myself, and I should never have drank so much. I deserve all the shame and grief that comes with what I did. I just… can you give me a second chance?”
I actually laughed at that. I knew how bitchy it looked, but after what happened on Saturday? And he wanted a second chance? Was he out of his mind?